The story of all stories

July 13th, 2004

Okie dokie. I’m alive and well and figured that some of yous womens (esp the pregnant ones) would want to hear the “real deal” about what went down with Miss E’s birth.

So we go to the hospital at 7pm on Sunday night and they give me this Cervadil, which you stick up the cooter to soften the cervix, with the plan for starting Pitocin at 6am the next morning. I was told by the nurse that she would be born in the afternoon on Monday.

So start that med stuff around 8 or 9. No big deal. A few of those contractions that don’t hurt but show up on the monitor. Then I get a few cramps. No biggie.

All of a sudden, after midnight, I feel a kick, a pop and then a trinkle of water. “Uh, I think my water just broke.” The hubs gets the nurse. It did. She gives me some meds to sleep and something to combat the pain.

I try and sleep and at 2am the contractions just start hitting me hard. About one minute apart, I start feeling scared and saying “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!” and tell them i want a c-section. I’m up, I’m down, I’m going to the bathroom, I’m standing, laying, hunching, all with an IV pole and these monitors hooked up to me.

They call to get me an Epidural. 3:30am, it happens. Didn’t hurt at all, hardest part was sitting still during contractions while hugely pregnant and sitting crossed-legged on a hospital bed.

Instant relief. I’m so happy. Why doesn’t EVERYONE get these things?????

So I’m off in sleepy land, my poor hubs is up, my Mom shows up and keeps him company. I guess my contractions were so hard that it makes E’s heartbeat drop so they give me some medicine to slow down the contractions. That gives me the shakes and I keep shaking and stuff. Nurses tell me its a good thing that I have the epidural. I look like a crack addict on withdrawl.

Eventually they decide I don’t have to have a c-section and we get to play “Push the baby out!” Hubs turns off the TV and I make him turn it back on so I can watch Katie Couric while ruining my chances of ever having a nice looking cooter again.

Pushed about 1.5 hours, everyone is all impressed because I’m not screaming, not panting, just pushing and talking in between pushes. At one point I ask my husband if he is licking my leg while holding it. He says he didn’t. I still don’t know if I belive him on that one.

Next thing you know, out plops the baby and then out plops the placenta. The hubs laughs because there’s a new baby here and I’m all “I want to see the placenta!”

At that point, the room is full of medical professionals. I’m so glad everyone is getting to enjoy the ruining of my cooter.

Why didn’t someone inform me about what happens to your cooter after birth?? I mean, I figured it stretches but I guess I didn’t consider the fact that it stays stretched out. And I had a tear so they had to stich it up so my perinium (a tang or taint to some of you boys) is HUGE. I say I now have “she nuts.” Kind of like peanuts, but less fun.

Seriously, If it weren’t for the big huge gaping cooter, I could be a hermaphrodite. I feel like someone took two hotdog weiners and stuck them between my legs and expects me to walk around like that.

And I sooo love the maxi pads, by the way. Blood on the floor, blood on the bed, blood on my shoes. I bet the hubs never thought “In sickness and in health” meant changing his wife’s bloody maxi pads and wiping blood droplets off the floor. And spraying antiseptic on her vagina.

Oh, after the epi was taken out, I for some reason thought I could walk. I literally try and get out of bed and fall to the floor. My gown falls off. I start bleeding everywhere. From you know where. It’s such a hallmark moment.

I’ve lost all humility. Want to see me sitting on the pot, squirting water onto my gaping loins? Go ahead! Want to manhandle my boobie into a sleeping infant’s mouth? ALLRIGHTY THEN! Want to pour KY Jelly all over my cooter as my legs are propped up in the air and tons of people are standing around? GOODIE!!

And please, just ask me one more time to roll over so you can spread my buttcheeks and check my ass. It’s not my ass that’s the problem. It’s the shenuts.

They go great with chocolate, I hear.


  1. Cinderella wrote,

    LMAO, not at you, but with you. I can totally relate to your experience. Just that it happened to me about 7.5 years ago. OH MY how time flies. While your cooter heals, just enjoy the baby. Maybe the shenuts will provide you with some other type of pleasure?! LOL

    BTW, I don’t think I’ve ever read another blog where they called it a cooter. I thought only I did that!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 1:19 pm

  2. Stacey wrote,

    Alright, so the cooch stays swollen. Got it.

    Maxi Pads don’t work, use plastic sheeting when I return home.

    I gotta write this stuff down. ;)

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 1:25 pm

  3. Stacey wrote,

    Oh, and do not wear favorite sneakers to hospital.

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 1:30 pm

  4. Shylah wrote,

    LoL, I just love the way you write! I’m glad you and Miss Ellie are doing well - I can’t wait to see more pictures!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 1:32 pm

  5. shaunacat wrote,

    Finally, someone who tells it like it is. (Meaning telling the honest truth about the parts I’d want to know about - for instance, the cooter staying all stretched out. I wouldn’t even of thought of that, either!)

    Since pregnancy is being planned for our near future, good info to know.

    The pictures were wonderful, too. I’m so glad you decided to post some. :)

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 2:00 pm

  6. Hilary wrote,

    You’re story created quite a visual picture. :-) You have such a way with words. Congrats to you and the hubs. Enjoy that sweet baby!!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 2:18 pm

  7. Jae wrote,

    Omgosh, I just wet my pants laughing. That’s the other thing no one tells you. That after you push a baby out your bladder ceases to work. Every time I laugh or sneeze or cough or blink I pee my pants.

    Really, the shenuts will go back down, but the cooter [we call it a wuh-jine in these here parts] will never look quite the same again. You’ll always look like one of those swollen hustler women, which isn’t so bad is it?

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 2:44 pm

  8. pink lotus wrote,

    Ohmigod. Is it too late to turn back? Now you have me scared. Maybe I shouldn’t have read that post… Doesn’t every book say to do Kegels to help with the coochie stretching? I don’t really believe it, but I do them every so often anyway. My friend said that the first time they had sex after having the baby, his wife felt like a teenage girl. I don’t know if they stitched her up, or what.

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 2:53 pm

  9. Jae wrote,

    I hate Kegels they feel like an orgasm without the “O”. They make me edgy and irritable. I always lied to the midwife when she asked if I was doing them. No complaints from the hubby over here and I’ve squozen [new word copyright me] two 8+ pounders out of my coot. I had stitches the first time and he said I felt like a virgin for a year. It hurt like hell too…..

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 2:59 pm

  10. grace wrote,

    Gah, they surely don’t tell you THAT in What to Expect… do they? Heh, I think you just wrote the afterword!

    Great post, SJ, it makes me almost glad I had a c-section!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 3:10 pm

  11. Lauren wrote,

    woohoo congrats!! Glad to hear you and Ellie are doing well! =)

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 3:34 pm

  12. Auty wrote,

    “I wanna see the placenta!” hehe.

    And I’m sorry about your “shenuts”. They probably go away. I wouldn’t know.

    Good job! And you have your laptop at the hospital with you?! Kooky girl.

    Enjoy. And you know…breastfeeding may work out for you to the point where you couldn’t imagine doing otherwise. Was that way with my first born.

    And yeah…you’ll never be shy again. Childbirth does that to ya.

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 3:40 pm

  13. Rogue wrote,

    Take it from a three time mom, who has been cut twice and torn once, the cooch goes back to normal. Do kegels! They do work and they work wonders if you do them right. The “she-nuts” disappear and in time so does your scar pretty much.

    The cooch will survive and be better than ever, if you take care of yourself now. After three kids, hubby says he couldn’t handle it if I was any tighter … and I still do kegels. :)

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 3:44 pm

  14. Allison wrote,

    I’m so happy everything went well and that you finally have your baby girl in your arms. Now you can scream, “It’s OVER!”

    I can’t wait to read about your first bowel movement after giving birth.

    Aren’t I just the little ray of sunshine. :-P

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 3:57 pm

  15. Julie wrote,

    These are all things I will be filing away in my head in case I ever have a kid. Definitely most important among them is the possibility of shenuts. Why do they never tell you these things in health class?

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 4:38 pm

  16. Traci wrote,

    Because, darlin’ Julie, if thye did tell you this stuff, no one would ever have babies again.

    SJ, props to you, darlin, made me laugh so fricking hard! Get back home, and feel better!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 5:03 pm

  17. Wendy wrote,

    What a great visiual!! I’m glad that everthing went smoothly for you!!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 5:12 pm

  18. Nicole wrote,

    I always loved the mesh undies that they gave you to wear. At least here they did. Talk about uncomfortable! Oh the things to look forward to in a few months! Oh and my hubby always says that true love is when you can touch your wife again after watching her give birth!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 5:13 pm

  19. misbah kyrene wrote,

    *misbah schedules app’t to get her tubes tied IMMEDIATELY*

    if i was emphatically anti-pregnancy before, you can imagine what this vivid description did for me! LOL

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 5:18 pm

  20. Melodee wrote,

    Hydrogen peroxide takes out blood stains. It’s magic and cheap, too! :)

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 5:46 pm

  21. justjenn wrote,

    I don’t think I had the “shenuts” problem…

    Don’t kill me…it only took me 10 minutes to push my son out!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 6:11 pm

  22. Michele wrote,

    i am so very glad i’m not pregnant or in danger of having a baby any time soon. (knock on wood) my co-worker and i enjoyed your account of giving birth!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 7:23 pm

  23. Jennifer B wrote,

    You should write the “real” pregnancy book.

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 9:39 pm

  24. Lujza wrote,

    Congratulations to you all! I’m a new reader and can’t seem to get enough already. All the best!

    Comment on 7/13/2004 @ 10:16 pm

  25. Texas T-Bone wrote,

    Look on the bright side: your total lack of privacy will only last 18 years, minimum!

    Comment on 7/14/2004 @ 10:51 am

  26. Pixie wrote,


    Comment on 7/14/2004 @ 4:32 pm

  27. bella wrote,

    Oh that made me laugh! I remember so well! Don’t panic….the cooter goes back to how/where it’s supposed to be. I even had a second baby. Just do your pelvic floor muscles and things will be better than ever. (In my case, I was so uptight and neurotic that I had my pelvic floor muscles in a permanent state of UPTIGHTNESS). Maybe that’s why I’m such a popular girl with A these days?….Hey, it all sounds normal, just enjoy it…cos it all passes so quickly.

    Comment on 7/16/2004 @ 1:24 pm

  28. The Sarcastic Journalist...Your Mom says "hi." wrote,

    […] e different? My life has changed so much in this past year. With a move back to Texas and the birth of the most beautiful girl in the world, my life is nothing like it was on April 15, 2004. I am abl […]

    Pingback on 4/15/2005 @ 7:43 pm

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