And that, Ellie, is how your mamma went crazy.

July 2nd, 2004

Thought you were going to go a whole day without me whining about pregnancy, eh??? HAHA, how wrong you were.

You see, a few weeks ago I said “I bet I go into labor on July 2.” And then I had said “I bet I’ll go into labor on the full moon.” And that happens to be July 2.

And yesterday I had my membranes stripped. And if you dare tell me how it didn’t work for your next door neighbor’s best friend’s lover….well, let’s not go there. I know membrane stripping works ONLY if your body is READY to go into labor.

Hello I am so ready to go into labor. Isn’t that enough?

So today I pull out the boobie pump and start pumping. Pump. Pump. Pump. Nothing is working. I pump while reading. In between bathroom breaks. While laying in bed and while standing in the baby’s room.

Does the thing not work???? Hello….where are my contractions?

What if I don’t go into labor on July 2?? What if I’m going to have this baby late? You see, this wouldn’t be that big of a deal. First off, my in-laws are coming to town this weekend. And, if we all remember correctly, I didn’t want anyone in town for this birth. So that means that I need to pop this baby out TONIGHT so nobody will be here.

And, have I mentioned, it’s also the second? Of July?

But they are coming and that’s that. I know they’re excited. I know the hubs wants to see them. BUT I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE AND HAVE A BABY COME OUT OF MY COOTER AND THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN NOW BECAUSE I HAVE PREFORMANCE ANXIETY.

So my Mom has decided to leave Albuquerque on Tuesday instead of Monday. So that means I can also go into labor on Monday or Tuesday and be left alone, as the in-laws will be leaving Monday.

But MONDAY IS NOT THE SECOND OF JULY! Why is the boob pump not working??? It’s such a failsafe method. You pump boobs. It stimulates brain which stimulates cooter which stimulates baby to come out.

This isn’t exactly Nuclear Physics here.

I’m also very very sick of people calling and asking if I’ve had the baby. If I’ve had contractions. How I feel.

**Begin Mean SJ Rant** If I fucking have this baby, you will fucking know. Please do not fucking call and ask me every fucking day if the baby has fucking come yet. She hasn’t. If you keep fucking calling me, I’m not going to fucking call you when she does come. You are not helping the situitation out here. **End Mean SJ Rant.**

My Mom called today. And I could hear it in her voice when I said I wasn’t in labor. I know that voice. If I was there, I’d look down at her (she’s 5′2 on a good day) and she’d have this smarmy little smile going on. I told her that I knew what she was thinking and that she better wipe that smirk off her face if she knows whats good for her.

What if the fact that I’m measuring small means she’ll come late? I KNOW the exact date of conception. Don’t make me pull out my damn chart. I can’t HELP IT that I don’t have a large uterus and that I didn’t gain 500 pounds and that my insides are nice and cozy and hospitable for babies.

She can’t come late. It’s not allowed. She is SUPPOSED to come on July 2, even if her due date is the 7th.

6 Comments

  1. Lauren wrote,

    AHAHAHAHAHAA Gawd I am SO with you on this one!!

    So having contractions yet? Have ya dropped? Are you in LABOR yet?? mwahahahaaaa

    Comment on 7/2/2004 @ 6:57 pm

  2. Stacey wrote,

    This could so be a tv show.

    “What we need here is a ball of thread, a coconut, and a hot towel. We WILL get this baby out”

    Comment on 7/2/2004 @ 7:08 pm

  3. Melodee wrote,

    Uh-oh, didn’t anyone tell you a baby’s due date is just an estimation and that some need 42 weeks to cook properly? ::::::ducking::::::: Seriously, good luck and I hope your baby has the courtesy to make a nice private arrival. :)

    Comment on 7/2/2004 @ 11:35 pm

  4. Surfie wrote,

    This is waayy off topic, but I thought you might be interested. I lifted this from Rob’s blog…Gut Rumbles.

    http://instapundit.com/archives/016361.php

    Comment on 7/3/2004 @ 11:57 am

  5. Jae wrote,

    *Unhelpful but maybe helpful how to start labor exercises*

    Okay - first take your SJ rant and put it on your answering machine and stop answering your phone.

    Next, walk all over your neighborhood. When I got my membranes stripped my midwife said to walk until I was ready to fall over. I walked for MILES AND MILES.

    Then go home and have sex.

    Then forget the stupid pump and sit there and tweak and pull and yank on your own nipples for 15 minutes each side.

    I swear, it works every time, but it’s got to be done in that order!

    If nothing else, you can feel productive while you wait for labor to start on its own.

    Comment on 7/3/2004 @ 2:34 pm

  6. backgammon set up wrote,

    backgammon set up
    The present contains nothing more than the past, and what is found in the effect was already in the cause. by backgammon & chess trave

    Trackback on 4/4/2005 @ 10:08 pm

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