Nobody will believe I have technical difficulties if I keep posting….

June 21st, 2004

I learned a very important lesson tonight. If you don’t want anything to come out of your boobs, it is best not to squeeze your nipple because “it looks a little moist.”

Yes, you might have just dried off, and you have just gotten out of the shower and before that you floated around in a bug-filled pool with your husband like you do every night, but just pretend that the reason your nipple looks moist is because you do not own very absorbant towels.

For the love of God, please do not give it a squeeze, because I can PROMISE you that you will not like the aftermath of what will happen.

What will happen is the product of the devil my friends, and by messing with it, you are furthering the Devil’s work.

I know. I squeezed my boob. And then I cried. And I cried some more. And my husband lay next to me as I lay naked in my bed, crying, because some stuff just came out of my boob and it looked like pus.

I am a very private person, which you may not get on here, probably because you do not know me in real life. In real life, I do not discuss masturbation, pubic hair, sex (about me, anyway), nipples, breastfeeding, poop or buttholes. (To think of the Google searches I’m gonna get now. Ugg.) I also do not fart in front of people.

I do not do very well with change. Yellow stuff coming out of my boob equals change in my book, and well, I just don’t do that. I also found out this past week that I finally have a stretch mark. Actually, two. Or two small areas of them, which are each comprised of a few small marks. Most women would probably want to kill me if they saw how small they are, but to me, these stretch marks are change and they aren’t something I’m ready to deal with yet.

Last night, I lay in bed and was unable to fall asleep. And I knew I was supposed to be sleeping because I need to sleep and if I don’t sleep now then I’ll never ever ever ever ever be able to go to sleep again. I also had a baby ass permanently stuck in my rib cage, which isn’t as fun as it sounds.

And I thought to myself “I wish I would have this baby already.” Then I got scared because I thought of all the stuff that comes with babies, which includes birth, but which also includes LIFE WITH A BABY, which really, come on, I’m not ready to go there yet.

Life with a baby? That’s change, too!

After Wednesday’s phone appeal with the unemployment commission (which, by the way, I am dreading in a way that nobody should be forced to dread) I will have nothing to do until da baby is born. Not like I have a lot to do anyway now, but then it will be official.

I guess that I walk around with this permanent dread about the unemployment commission and baby having and baby rearing that consumes me.

Then I go and think about all the people in the world who desperately want babies and then they accidentally come across this site and probably get offline and cry and wonder why such horrible people like The Sarcastic Journalist should be able to have babies when they can’t?

I wonder the same question. I should have known how fertile I was. Damn, I probably could have gotten pregnant without having sex if I put my mind to it.

I’m ready to not be pregnant anymore, but at the same time, I’m not ready for all the after-pregnancy stuff, which Dooce has explained in very vivid detail.

I’m also scared that people (aka my family) are going to know that I’m breastfeeding, which means that people will be knowing I am doing something that I don’t talk about. They will KNOW the baby is hungry and then I will go hide somewhere and then we will come out and then they KNOW the baby was fed because she then burps it up on them and everyone sees the content of my breasts on their shirts.

Even worse, if I do ever do it “in public” someone might see my nipple, which is enough of a thought to go and drive me into a deep depression. I had my old nips for 24 years and now they’re different and ugly and moonpie-ish and someone might see it.

I did not go to the gyno until I was 21, and that was at the urging of The Hubs. And know what happened that day? Let me give you a hint. While my cooter was getting probed by some woman, terrorists were attacking America.

Yes, I scheduled my first gyno appointment on Sept. 11, 2001. I should receive government funding just for THAT one. It took time, but eventually, after having 20,000 different people look at my cooter last year (remember my cathater story?) and having some nurse stick a finger up my butt and having a colonoscopy where a MAN was in the room, I learned to get over the cooter thing.

I just don’t know if the boob thing is possible. I swear, I swear it feels different. I can’t prove it, I can’t explain it, but my boob, the one that was MOIST, does not seem the same anymore.

Maybe the boob terrorists have won.

6 Comments

  1. Nicole wrote,

    “I am a very private person, which you may not get on here, probably because you do not know me in real life. In real life, I do not discuss masturbation, pubic hair, sex (about me, anyway), nipples, breastfeeding, poop or buttholes.”

    It’s a good thing you are having a girl. I don’t think that any conversation in this house doesn’t have something to deal with 1 of those topics. And if it doesn’t someone will surely fart by the end of it and start laughing! Which of course makes me so happy that this one is a girl!

    Comment on 6/22/2004 @ 12:12 am

  2. Shylah wrote,

    I know it’s not much consolation, but that yellow-ish stuff is colostrum, kind of a pre-milk stuff that’s loaded with nutrients and antibodies and good stuff for the baby.

    As for the stretch marks (how many different suggestions will you get about this? heh).. you can use cocoa butter - the good, thick stuff that comes in a tub and smells like chocolate - or they have cream just for stretch marks that’ll help with your skin’s elasticity. You may not be able to avoid them altogether, but those things might help keep them from being too bad.

    All that aside, though, I think you’re going to be a great mom. I’ve been reading you for awhile now, and I’m so excited for you - I can’t wait to hear about Ellie’s arrival. I checked out your registry, but you don’t have many items listed.. is there anything you still need for the baby? Any characters/themes/colors you like? I’d like to send a small little something..

    Comment on 6/22/2004 @ 2:03 am

  3. Stacey wrote,

    I’ve gotten two ugly PURPLE stretch marks on my tits, of all places.

    And I find if I squeeze them a little they don’t leak as much, because if I don’t, I get a soaked tshirt. :(

    Poor boobs.

    Comment on 6/22/2004 @ 11:36 am

  4. Texas T-Bone wrote,

    My wife went through many of the same things. Now that our little one is 18 months old, she says it is more than worth it and even talks about having another one! I don’t know if I’M ready for that. She once described childbirth as robbing her dignity, but the fact is she’d do it again because the result is one of the greatest blessings God ever gives us.

    My wife had a sling thing that allowed her to breastfeed in public without anything showing if it was necessary. Really, she tried to keep that stuff private because nobody else wants to see it.

    Comment on 6/22/2004 @ 11:44 am

  5. Jen wrote,

    Just wait until you can shoot milk across the room. Hubby annoying you? Give him a little sqirt. :) Not that I actually did that to mine…

    Comment on 6/22/2004 @ 12:08 pm

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