The Post You All Knew Was Coming But Hoped It Wouldn’t…

January 19th, 2006

I have a feeling that my husband has a few favorite parts of his day. The first part would be my phone call to him at work, usually somewhere between 11 and 2, where I update him on events as they happen.

Him: “How are you? What are you doing?”
Me: “Fine. Bored. Ellie is trying to kill me.”
Him: “Oh…”
Me: “Um, do you think you can leave and come home? Because I am tired and she’s being mean and she hates me.”
Him: “I can’t. I’ll be home later.”
Me: “Fine. You hate me. I see how it is. Have fun AT WORK. Where you talk to OTHER PEOPLE.”

Then, when he comes home at 5, and I act all Scarlett O’Hara like and demand that he take the little one and leave me alone to my TLC with the Mountain Dew he better had brought me.

The third time of the day, however, I know he has to love. It is called SJ Climbs Into Bed And Starts Whining For 30 Minutes About Everything on Her Mind. If he dares closes his eyes, he will get to listen to me rant about how “You don’t care and you don’t UNDERSTAND and don’t you see that the world is going to end?”

Most recently, the whining/complaining/crying has been about “Holy Crap we’re going to have two kids and WHAT WAS I THINKING?”

It really isn’t the birth that’s bothering me this time, even though it has pretty much been comfirmed that I will, in fact, have back labor. I just keep reminding myself that I can try to do things the way I want and well, if that doesn’t work, medicine can help.

All I keep thinking about is having two. How in the heck am I supposed to handle two when the one I have repeatedly kicks my butt on a daily basis? Did you know that newborns wake up a lot? And they like to poop in the middle of the night and you have to turn on the light and change the poop? Did you know they scream and cry and sometimes sleep, but not in this house because I’m sure a certain “Big Sister” (Oh gah, that’s so horrible, I’m turning her into a big sister.) will make sure to punch him in the face every time he closes his eyes.

And? Your boobies? They swell up and explode and you have to wear maxipads and actually USE the ‘rhoid cream and let’s talk about the stitches…the stiches from here to there. The stitches that make you scared to sit down to pee or poop.

My Mom is leaving for out of town tomorrow and will be gone until the 25th. Considering she was, well, the person we needed to use to watch Ellie, that is a Bad Thing. A lovely friend has agreed to join “the list” of people we would call if I go into labor. Poor thing, she doesn’t realize she is the list.

Since she is a sweetheart and bought my child a donut just so she could eat the sprinkles off of it, well, there’s no way I’d call her at 3am to pick up my baby. No, I’d at least wait until seven. Since I went into labor with Miss E in the middle of the night, that’s how I expect for things to go this time.

Picture it. Three a.m. Me, hobbling into the birthing part of the hospital, dragging my gimp leg behind me. The Hubs, holding bags of who knows what because we haven’t actually bothered to pack for the hospital yet. Ellie, pissed off because we woke her up, ready to climb things and stick fingers in sockets and hit people when they look at her funny.

All during the birthing process! I imagine myself, spread-legged on the birthing table, with my child trying to climb into the doctor’s lap to stick her hand up my crotch. She is already fascinated with The Beave, I can only guess that my displaying it like Southerners do “The Flag” would make her day.

By the way, The Hubs recently taught her to point “down there” at me and say “Beave.” (Short for beaver.)

I’m trying not to freak too much about this whole New Baby thing. I mean, hello, there are some people out there that have two under one! So what if Little Jizzy won’t understand what I mean when I say “Hey, Oprah’s on!” or “Let’s go find Barney!” He also won’t have the manual dexterity to take off his diaper and pee all over his bed during naptime.

I’m sure he’ll give me a couple of good blog posts, such as “The day my child first peed into my mouth” or “Look! Ellie’s finger painting with her brother’s poop!”

If anything, there will be more talk of The Penis, which is a good thing. I think a little penis talk could balance out all the vagina talk that’s been going on around here.


  1. paige wrote,

    Just bring Ellie over the week you’re supposed to blow. Or call me and I’ll drive up and give her a little Austin vacation with Terrorpants Maguire. They’ll love it.

    I’ll feed her nothing but donuts and pop tarts and I will just let them poop and pee in a bucket outside. It will rock.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 8:37 pm

  2. wordgirl wrote,

    I’ve heard that taping a kid’s tantrums and then playing them back in front of them sometimes makes them stop. Just a thought.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 8:53 pm

  3. Laura GF wrote,

    I not only read the part about the probable favorite parts of your husband’s day aloud to my husband but I also emailed it to him to read at work tomorrow. It is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a mighty long time and captures our dynamic so perfectly. Also, I forgot about the baby site somehow! I just finished reading through it — I hope LJ flips over so you can avoid the back labor. Isn’t there anything you can do to flip a baby front to back? I know there are lots of things you can try to flip them top to bottom… perhaps it involves a flashlight and your husband talking into your back or something?

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 9:13 pm

  4. debbie wrote,

    oh man, penis talk is the BEST. and wait until you can blog about baby wood! i’ve been lucky enough to see circumcised *and* uncircumcised baby erections. it’s really quite educational. heh.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 9:36 pm

  5. Hillbilly Mom wrote,

    Horror story…I had back labor with my first baby. I got there too late for an epidural, since it was a hick hospital that had to call an anesthesiologist in from home in the middle of the night, and I was already at 7 centimeters. That was my husband’s fault, because he was visiting a friend and wouldn’t come home in a hurry. Then he proceeded to take a shower and pack himself some snacks. “You’re not the first woman ever to have a baby,” he said. Because of the back pain, the labor slowed down, so they gave me Pitocin, which of course made the contractions stronger. I got one shot of Stadol for the whole labor, and the cranky nurse gave me HALF of it around 2:00 a.m., and the other half around 6:00. After 14 1/2 hours, I squeezed out that giant-bowling-ball-headed kid. I recommend you get there in time for the epidural.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 9:40 pm

  6. Crystal wrote,

    Breathe. You’re doing good. Oh, and this will make your hubs feel better. I woke mine up at 2:30 the other night, gave him some nookie, then proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. At 3 in the freaking morning. When he had to be up at 5. He handled it like a champ, but I’m ashamed to say I don’t even have pregnancy hormones to blame it on!
    Soooo… how about some pointers? When you take the boy’s diaper off, have the other one in your hand. Otherwise, he’ll pee on you, his own face, and the wall. That’s all I got… my boy is WAY easier than my girl.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 9:46 pm

  7. wordgirl wrote,

    I always carried around an extra cloth diaper as a burp rag. In a pinch, it can double as a pee-shield. Take off the old diaper and throw the cloth one over the danger area. I think that blast of fresh air over their little nether man-regions makes them totally “let go”.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:36 pm

  8. Toni wrote,

    I had my husband read this and he thought it was hilarious. I did too…for about two seconds…then I realized that this mirrored my life too closely. Then I was horrified. I might have to bring a grumpy preschooler who likes to tell her teachers EVERYTHING into the delivery room at 3am. They may not appreciate the details on sharing day.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:41 pm

  9. JustLinda wrote,

    Oh, having 2 of them close together wasn’t too hard.

    At least I don’t think so. That whole first year after the 2nd kid is a little fuzzy.

    They TELL me I was a pretty good mom during those early years. I’ll take their word for it…. I just can’t remember. hahah

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:47 pm

  10. Susan wrote,

    My husband and I had a miscommunication recently that nearly brought us to divorce (no, not really, but that’s funny, yes?). I called him on my cell phone, in the car, with BOTH kids yelling, and said, ‘Would you do me a favor on your way home?’

    And he said, warily, ‘Why??? What’s wrong??? Right NOW? DO I HAVE TO???’

    Because, see, he thought I was saying, ‘Do me a favor and COME HOME,’ which god knows he doesn’t want to do. What with the two crying kids and all.

    Ha ha! I have no real point. Good luck to you!

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 11:05 pm

  11. Mama D wrote,

    Husbands don’t have to carry babies. Therefore they get to listen to us complain. They also usually don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night with said baby. This entitles you to at LEAST ten years of complaining with no lip from the big guy. It’s just part of the deal. If he doesn’t like it he and LJ can go and talk about their penis’s together.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 11:29 pm

  12. mrtl wrote,

    Just for hoots, would you refer to the penis as “Wally”?

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 11:46 pm

  13. Heatheranne wrote,

    Shit! I read the title and thought “OH MY GOD! She’s in labor” You know because we all “knew it was coming.”

    Wordgirl - I heard that too and I actually tried it when my son was little. It didn’t work because as soon as I got the video camera out he ran. And when I did finally get some on tape, it was impossible to make him watch it. It just pissed him off more and triggered another tantrum. Hmmm. I wonder if I still have the tape. That would be pretty funny.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 12:01 am

  14. robyn wrote,

    Heck, even when you plan delivery time you can’t really. My water broke exactly 27 hours before my scheduled c-section with my second son. I didn’t get the surgeon I wanted, looked like hell because it was the middle of the night and I was going to the hospital “the next day”, and only had a mother here from OK to watch our oldest with about 10 hours padding. Don’t look at it as a countdown to post-delivery pain — look at it as a countdown to those margaritas momasita!

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 12:18 am

  15. Vanessa_AR wrote,

    Yeah, you have to watch out when you’re chaning baby boy diapers. NEVER get complacent and think you WON’T get sprayed, because that’s the one time you WILL.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 6:58 am

  16. Anne Glamore wrote,

    You’ll do great at handline two, but you’ll probably scream and cry a bit more. In the end it’s worth it, though.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 9:18 am

  17. Dawn wrote,

    I have no words of advice, for the one I have scared the desire to procreate ever again out of my mind forever.

    I feel for you though.

    And I can confirm that young children totally spill their guts to all preschool teachers. About everything

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 11:16 am

  18. Mollie wrote,

    Oh honey.

    It’s going to be ok. I think. Holy crap.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 11:20 am

  19. Kris wrote,

    Two is no sweat as long as you recognize that at some point in the future you will look back and think…I cannot remember ANYTHING that happened to EITHER of my children that first year we had two kids. It’s normal, just prepare. *wink*. As for birth…my second was INCREDIBLE. Short sweet and relatively pain free (thank mr Epidural). Loved it, based on that experience I could have 10 more. (maybe not).


    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 12:43 pm

  20. Laura wrote,

    You know what? The Hubs just has to suck it up. HE doesn’t have sciatic pain. HE doesn’t have to gain and lose 40 or so pounds in 2 years. HE doesn’t have to get stitches in his nether regions (yet). HE doesn’t have to have a little baby sucking his boobies RAW. That said, HE can listen to a little kvetching every now and then.

    How do you handle two??? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…RESTRAINING DEVICE. They call it a double stroller or a Baby Bjorn, but what those things really are, and no one can deny it, are baby jails and baby straightjackets. Just get Ellie used to the fact that, in public, she cannot move about of her own free will, and you’ll be fine. OR, start going to the more expensive grocery stores that have the carts with the little cars in front. You’ll figure it out.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 12:50 pm

  21. Heather wrote,

    Just think. Tons of people with lower intellectual capabilities and intestinal fortitude have done it. You can too, and we’re all pulling for you.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 2:15 pm

  22. Lori wrote,

    You’ve already done it once - when you knew NOTHING - so you can do it again now that you’re a pro. Been there, been freaked out, but you get through it a day (& a margarita) at a time. PS - just started reading your blog - love your point of view/attitude :)

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 2:27 pm

  23. heather wrote,

    When Kenny was born (#3), Mer-Bear (#2) proudly pointed at his penis and said, “Boys have penises and girls have CHINAS!”

    I’m all for penis talk. Penis. PENIS! PENIS!!!

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 6:30 pm

  24. heather wrote,

    Oh … and back labor sucks. I’ve done it 3x. BUT … it feels much better STANDING UP and leaning over the hospital bed AS OPPOSED TO LAYING ON YOUR BACK. Yes, much better - relieves a helluva lot of pressure!

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 6:31 pm

  25. Stefanie wrote,

    Look, you can call me and I will fly out and watch Ellie but it will take me a few hours to get there because I will have to use my miles and they sometimes can’t find the most direct route. So, on second thought, maybe I should be your backup plan. Or plan B as I like to call it.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 6:45 pm

  26. Kristin wrote,

    I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who calls my husband a bazillion times a day to ask him if he “can leave early today.” Other favorites include “can’t you work from home?” and “call in sick dammit!”

    Wishing you the best with #2!

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 9:15 pm

  27. Nothing But Bonfires wrote,

    Right, we need to teach Ellie to point at the Hubs’ penis and say “schlong.” That’s an easy word for little people to say, right? I thought “johnson” might be too hard what with the two syllables. Maybe “wang”?

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 10:04 pm

  28. Erica wrote,

    I just wanted to say that I found out today that Lanie is also sunny side up right now, so you certainly aren’t alone…I have a feeling I’m in for back labor too. I’m in a full-on freak out about that. Any advice?! Please? Oh please someone tell me the back labor won’t be that bad. Oh, crap, who am I kidding?

    And oh yeah, it’s good to know I’m not the only slacker pregnant woman who hasn’t packed her hospital bag yet. All I know is that I have to get snacks for my hubby-I’ve been informed that there must be snacks. And some clothes for the baby to wear home. I guess that might be important…hmmm…

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 10:28 pm

  29. R. wrote,

    We’ll our 2nd one was a suprise in itself. If you read Kels blog in November she’s got it down pretty good.

    D decides to come a week before the scheduled C section (our c section was scheduled 1 week before the due date too). It was lucky I was starting my days off during the week and Kel wake me and says my water broke. (I’m still in a daze going … WTF).

    OK so we didn’t pack or have any arrangements made because of the C section. So we’re getting the two year old up and dressed, getting a bag for him packed, calling my brother to drop him off, calling the nurse line, etc.

    We’ll everthing worked out in the end but it was sure fun trying to get out of the house in 20 minutes!

    Comment on 1/21/2006 @ 1:44 am

  30. lawbrat wrote,

    Holy crap! I thought the same stuff with having a 2nd. My 1st was 4! FOUR! After my 1st, I really thought…people continue to have kids after their first one, WHY?

    Comment on 1/21/2006 @ 11:17 pm

  31. NWR wrote,

    two is a perfect #, you have two hands and two legs to catch the first one. my favorite expression is and was “two and through” after haveing two children in 12 months (everyone has an oops!). you will do good.
    best of luck

    Comment on 1/22/2006 @ 4:06 pm

  32. Jazzy wrote,

    Yeah, no one told me about that whole rinse your coo coo off for two weeks and stitches and stuff.

    Comment on 1/24/2006 @ 7:01 pm

  33. katie wrote,

    My poor, poor mother had three children (two of them a pair of twins) nine months apart…I am amazed that she allowed us to live…I think I would have opted for an orphanage for the two who didn’t make me the best pancakes.

    Comment on 1/27/2006 @ 1:53 am

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