You Don’t Want No Drama

January 18th, 2006

We haven’t been exactly strict when it comes to filming Miss E’s childhood. You see, we bought a video camera before she was born so we could film all the happy moments of her childhood to show 20/20 when they came knocking on our door after our child’s tellall book about her horrible family.

Then, the night I went into labor, the camera broke. Then, the good people at Best Buy lost all the video inside the camera, which included nine months worth of me bitching and moaning about how I hated being pregnant.

Luckily, I still have all the archives on this site to remember that.

So basically, the filming of our child has been sporadic, at best. Luckily, she seems very cute and very happy in all the videos so ha, just go and try to sell that book saying how horrible we are.

The cute and happy videos are about to end, Internet. I’ve had it up to (holds hand above head) HERE.

Hello, my name is The Sarcastic Journalist and my 18-month-old daughter has morphed into a moody teenager overnight.

I can deal with her standing at the gate to the kitchen and screaming “Crackie! Crackie!” over and over again. For those of you that don’t speak Toddler, a crackie is the combination of a cookie and cracker. Crackies are fun to hide in couch cushions or in electrical outlets.

If I do not hobble to the kitchen fast enough, she throws herself on the ground, rolls around and moans like death is upon her. After I list a variety of things she may want “Milk? Apple? Butcher knife?” to which, she always screams, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I bring up the cracker.

“Crackie! Crackie!”

No one is allowed to go poop by themselves in our house, except for Miss E. While formerly content to roam around the house while said loaf was pinched (in two seconds or less), that is not the case anymore. Anyone that DARES shuts the door to the bathroom will be met by screaming, whining and the banging on the door.

If you place her in her crib for naptime? Wall banging will proceed for twenty minutes, followed by the throwing of the blankets across the room and, if you’re really feeling lucky, the disrobing of the Toddler, which includes the diaper.

Sometimes she deposits a special treat in the diaper before taking it off.

Today, while watching Oprah together, Miss E decided to learn over and bite me on the arm. Not just a little nip, but a bite that left imprints on my forearm. I had enough. I scooped her up, hobbled to her bedroom and placed her in her crib. She helped me take all the blankets and her bear out of her crib (because haha, time out is fun!) and then smiled at me.

“No biting,” I said. “We don’t bite mommy.”

Then? I shut the door.

I have never shut the door when I put her in time out because, well, I figured I didn’t need to. I had begun to realize that she didn’t exactly take my discipline measures very seriously, so drastic times called for drastic measures. I went into the living room to watch the clock. She had exactly one minute.

During that time, The Devil himself opened a hole from the bottom of the Earth and came into her room. My child went nutso. I would try to tell you how bad it was, but you wouldn’t believe me. Linda Blair in the Exorcist had nothing on my child.

Once I tried to get her out, well, it went from bad to worse. No, she was MAD at ME. How dare I PUT HER IN TIME OUT FOR BITING ME ON THE ARM? No, she would not have it. She screamed louder. Positioned herself so I couldn’t get her. Hit the wall and then, accidentally hit her head on the crib, twice.

All the while I’m trying to get her out because hello, my baby is upset and she hurt herself! Must. Make. It. Better.

Eventually, she laid down on her mattress and looked into the distance. The expression on her face? Priceless. She was sulking, moping because I had punished her for ONE MINUTE.

She wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t let me even cover her with a blanket.

Fifteen minutes later, she finally decided I was punished enough and allowed me to take her out of the crib. If she’s like this before she even hits two, boy, I can’t wait until she hits puberty and starts writing bad poetry about how I ruin her life because I won’t let her leave the house dressed like a slut.

Gah, now that I think about it, it’s a good thing Little Jizzy is a boy. I don’t think I could handle all those years of two girls, two periods and too much bad poetry.

I’ll just hope that he doesn’t knock anyone up or start fires. Fires? I can deal with. Bad poetry? No way.


  1. casemnor wrote,

    I hope you took pictures of that little tantie.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 8:52 pm

  2. Chuck wrote,

    You know it gets worse right. 4 is terible two’s expodential. And when you get really at wits end remember we have twins, and a girl same age…

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 8:54 pm

  3. ands wrote,

    glad to know she is a crack-ie addict….

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 9:04 pm

  4. Laura GF wrote,

    Holy mackerel — it sounds like you had a huge amount of restraint and patience with her, though. Does she act the same way with your husband, or is he lucky enough to avoid most of this drama?

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 9:09 pm

  5. shelby wrote,

    that is the funniest thing i’ve ever heard!!!….. hee, hee

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 9:42 pm

  6. JustLinda wrote,

    Oh, goodness, do I sympathyize. I tried to put together a translation guide to help with the 18 month old lacking communication skills stage of development. It’s here if you want to read it: Inside the mind of an 18-month-old

    And for the record, I am NOT brave enough to stick my hand down in the couch cushions. Nu-uh… not me. I know better….

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 10:04 pm

  7. Emily wrote,

    I know no one will believe me, but my 3 week old sound like Satan’s spawn if I put her down for just a second…seriously! So I can just imagine what she’ll sound like in 18 months!

    See? You’re always preparing me for what lies ahead.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 10:26 pm

  8. clickmom wrote,

    My kid loved crackers until he got his hands on some french fries. He thought they were a new kind of cracker at first but then called them CA-CIES for a while.

    I don’t have girls, but it doesn’t sound like the time out method is working for you and E. I’d try a new approach. In my experience it has always paid to avoid a power struggle. Just saying…

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 10:30 pm

  9. Kim wrote,

    UGH. Miss P is starting with the “2ness” also. It’s going to make me crazy! Oh, and the almost 7 year old female. Hell, she might as well be 13. THEN, there is the new one. What the hell am I going to do with a 34rd GIRL!!

    OK, so it’s not ALL bad. She is more free with her spontaneous hugs and kisses when she’s not possessed.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 11:17 pm

  10. Shalebug wrote,

    heeheehee! So glad am I that my princess is now 9. Instead of the grand mal temper tantrums she used to have (which eerily sound just like Miss E’s) she has instead taken to slamming her door shut and turning up Miss Hilary Duff on full blast– knowing this is the worst form of punishment a mother can take. I am so certain bad poetry is next. But they say half the battle is knowing what to expect right? Right?????? God help parents of daughters.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 11:27 pm

  11. wordgirl wrote,

    I’m so glad I have boys.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 11:30 pm

  12. Karla wrote,

    First of all “crackie” is the cutest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard.
    Secondly, where can I unload my 11-month old before he starts acting like this? My friends tell me their toddlers go through/have gone through this stage, and I’m pretty sure I won’t survive it when my kid does it. I think I’ll drop him off at the airport tomorrow.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 11:37 pm

  13. Crazy MomCat wrote,

    I am so there with you on this. My daughter is already a total drama queen and has full throw downs and she’s not even two. My GOD what will 13 be like at this rate? HA!

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 11:37 pm

  14. Jesster wrote,

    My first niece should arrive tomorrow, I giggle at the though of my (high maintenance) sister dealing with a “sassy” toddler.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 12:10 am

  15. Mel wrote,

    I will not tell you that 18 months to 30 months is bad, really bad. That would just be plain mean.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 12:44 am

  16. mrtl wrote,

    She’s a saucy one. Time outs have worked really well for us. I hope you have the same luck.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 1:31 am

  17. Susan wrote,

    Yup. Not gonna have kids. Not me, no ma’am, I’m turning in my ovaries for a cool twenty bucks on the black market. *lightbulb* Better yet, ebay.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 2:48 am

  18. Kristie wrote,

    I know exactly what you are going through. I have a 5 year old daughter, a 19 month old daughter and I am pregnant with my 3rd kid. God help us all. My 19 mos old is the meanest child I have ever seen before on the planet. She demands everything and then when she doesn’t get her way she will throw her self in the floor, scream at us, spit on us and try to smack us. At first I thought this was cute, but now I realize I have the spawn of satan. And I had to go and bring another into the world? What was I thinking….Good luck with Miss E. I really hope my 3rd is a boy.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 7:25 am

  19. Heatheranne wrote,

    I remember the fun! You don’t have to describe it because my son was the same way. Yes, I believe you. My child would throw himself on the ground screaming because his eggo waffles didn’t look just like the ones on the box and he didn’t have a little pat of butter (did I just say “pat” of butter?) because it MELTED. Try explaining that to a two year old. Also, when he was three he was throwing a fit (because that was what he liked to do, it was his hobby) and he screamed at the top of his lungs “I want watermelon.” I still tease him about that one. Of course now he doesn’t throw himself on the ground over butter, he stomps to his room and slams his door (and opens and slams and opens and slams) and tells me he hates me because I make him do homework. Damn I’m a mean mom. Hee hee. They never really grow out of the terrible twos. It just evolves.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 8:21 am

  20. heather wrote,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. See, yesterday was a trip to satan’s lair and now I can share that there are others … others in this hell ride with me.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 9:38 am

  21. Texas T-bone wrote,

    Still pics are where it’s at. Some parents take miles of video and never watch it because it’s total snoozeville … like a wedding video with dirty diapers.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:12 am

  22. sherry wrote,

    My oldest is three and more than once I’ve wondered what kind of hell the teenage years will be if she’s this teen-like now. I fear the future.

    When she was smaller, she called crackers “crackos” so it always sounded like she was asking for crack hos.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:34 am

  23. honey bunny wrote,

    ellie is totally going to goth herself out when she hits 14…just to piss you off.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:38 am

  24. Diana wrote,

    So you have the female version of my son! Found you through Dawn, and glad.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:46 am

  25. Rayna wrote,

    I was lucky. My kids missed the terrible 2s (I do hear the groans of disbelief back there). Really, they both did. It happened at 4 for both. Thankfully, a *really* loud clap (which many of my family members have mistaken for a hard slap when hearing it over the phone :) , and a loud authoritative, “HEY! No yelling” somehow worked for us to head off the screaming tantrums. I get mean looks, crossed arms, and stamped feet. They get five silent minutes in the corner (they are 6 & 4… corners don’t work with a toddler, I know).

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:47 am

  26. Rayna wrote,

    p.s. when mine tried to punish me by not letting me get them out of their crib at that age, I didn’t try to coax them. I’d walk out and shut the door for another two minutes (I promise it didn’t hurt them). Occasionally, I had to do it twice, but not often.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:50 am

  27. Mama D wrote,

    I have nightmares about these times with my daughter. At four months she already displays a terrific temper and I imagine it will get worse before it gets better. You survived though right? I will look to you one day when this is happening to me and you will smile knowingly.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:53 am

  28. happay wrote,

    I’m feeling your toddler pain. It must be the age. My child screams like he is possessed everytime I put him in his bed. He doesn’t stop with the screaming. Oh, no he has to hit the wall, shake the bed, throw things, stomp his feet rapidly. He also screams if I leave the room. He does it if he doesn’t get what he wants. He screams for a drink and then dumps it on the floor. He crawls onto the couch and screams for me to get him a toy. He drops his blanket on the floor at his feet and screams until I pick it back up for him. Yeah, toddlers are fun.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:56 am

  29. the SmockLady wrote,

    Hello, found you via Very Mom a while back and I pop in every now and then.
    Watch out for those fires. Those boys really do like it. I posted a few weeks ago about my worse day ever as a mother and it includes my then just turned two year old settin gout house on fire. So, my experience leads me to say, “I can handle anything those girls throw at me casue my hormones are bigger and stronger, but those boys get into more than I can chase down.”

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 10:57 am

  30. Karyn wrote,

    I’ve been there, pretty much every day with my 3-year old. I’ll caution you, though about using the crib as a place for time-outs. For the sake of your future sleep prospects (after the newborn is no longer a newborn, of course), you will want your toddler to have only pleasant, comforting associations with the crib. Trust me on this.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 11:09 am

  31. Dawn wrote,

    Their aim only gets better with age . Here me and beware.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 1:36 pm

  32. Surfie wrote,

    Yup Karyn, I used MY BEDROOM as the time out place. How’s that for reverse psychology??

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 2:26 pm

  33. Debbie wrote,

    Forget the blog posting I did last night about missing out on having a girl….

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 2:50 pm

  34. A. wrote,

    If you’ve got some one-piece jammies/sleepers, try putting them on her with the zipper or snaps up the *back*. Works best with the footless kind though. This worked for the 3 of our 4 who loved creating diaper art.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 3:55 pm

  35. Carolyn wrote,

    Diaper art, ha ha. My son has been a treat lately too - glad I’m not alone.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 4:41 pm

  36. Jeanette wrote,

    Just wait until hormone sets in… I have three teenagers on different cycles(three different weeks - four if you include mine). Pray for my husband.

    I had my middle child that was a biter, until we started biting back. Everytime she would take a plug out of us, we would bite her (not hard enough to leave a mark) but it was bad enough for her. I got tired of putting her in time out and tired of her biting me, her big sister and her little sister and anyone else that was around at the time. It seemed that she was almost two at that time too.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 4:49 pm

  37. Big Thirsty's Wife wrote,

    I’m with Susan, I bet we could get a hefty price for our ovaries on ebay. Hell, take the uterus too, being a mom sounds way to scary. BT has ADHD, so do I really want to have his babies anyway?

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 5:24 pm

  38. Laura wrote,

    STAND YOUR GROUND!!! Don’t let Miss E get away with ANYTHING!!!

    You should witness my sister’s pure glee as she tortures her children. She whips those kids into shape. They scream. They cry. It just makes it all that much better for her. She *enjoys* it.

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 5:41 pm

  39. Liz wrote,

    Oh, god. An hour, an hour an HOUR of this, we had:
    “Pick up the mess you made when you were playing in the cabinet. Put the tupperware back in the cabinet.”
    “Do you want a time out?”
    “Then pick up the tupperware.”
    Time-out commences…
    “Okay, you can get up now. Come pick up the tupperware.”
    “Do you want another time-out?”
    “Then pick it up.”
    Rinse, repeat.

    An HOUR.

    She’s two. Did I have to say it? Nope.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 5:02 pm

  40. MamaQ wrote,

    NOT that you asked, but…That kid played you like a poker chip, mang. She got 15 minutes of your undivided attention and you fretting over her as you tried to get her out of the crib. And even worse, you missed Oprah.
    Next time, leave her there for another minute, then check again. If she’s calmed down and will let you take her out, then cool. If not, another minute.
    Then again, my son has been pushing kids in his preschool class, so I’m hardly Parent of the Year to give advice. But I’m telling you, try the passive approach. Just walk the hell away for a few minutes and she’ll get the idea.

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 7:59 pm

  41. newfiesgirl wrote,

    me does know excately what ya meant when ya said that satan comed up through the floor……..but mines is a teenager an female…….an Regan as me lovingly calls her (not her real name ) would give Linda Blair a run for her money………me feels for you…….me really do

    Comment on 1/29/2006 @ 7:22 pm

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