Snip Snap To It

January 16th, 2006

While exiting the doctor’s office the other day, I heard the nurse trying to explain to a woman on the phone how to put “The Ring” in. I heard her saying that she’s never heard of “The Ring” falling out.

I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say yes, “The Ring” can fall out and I’m proof. I do not know why I keep using quotations. I guess it is fun.

From the conversations I’ve had with other gals, they seem to think I enjoy throwing caution to the wind and not dealing with birth control. It is not that at all. The problem is that Birth Control Doesn’t Like Me.

I spent way too much time shoving my hand down my pants in public places when I had “The Ring” because it kept falling out.

The pill? My husband begged me to go off it because it turned me into a crazy woman. It is also a libido killer, in case you were wondering. That’s how it works: It makes you never want to do the deed so you never get pregnant!

The patch? Didn’t try that because ha, it’s just like The pill.

The IUD? Been there, done that, had a colonoscopy, CT scan and laparoscopic surgery to try and figure out what it caused me so much freaking pain.

If I believed in “The Universe,” I would believe that “The Universe” really wanted to see me get knocked up. There you go, “Universe.” You won. Twice.

But now…after I have this baby and we get through the next five months of “Get that thing away from me!” I will have to think of birth control.

Here’s what we came up with: A vasectomy!

I think a vasectomy is good for several reasons. First, it doesn’t have anything to do with my privates. Second, no condoms or pills or creams or things getting stuck up my cooter. Third? Well, I think it is time that The Hubs gets a little of the pain I’ve been going through.

Yes, I’m mean.

The problem, Internet, is that I’m stupid. I let The Hubs read The HILARIOUS Dad Gone Mad’s account of getting the old twig and giggle berries snipped.

I thought it was funny. I mean, hello! He could smell things! And he cried! What’s funnier than that?

Well, my husband and his nuts have differing opinions on what is funny. Turns out nut smoke isn’t funny in his book. Well neither is stitches going from my cooter to my bum hole, but well, I named an entire web domain after it.

(I know that some people think this site means “She Nuts” as in whoa, that girl is nuts. No. It comes from this entry where I describe what happened to my nether regions after the birth of my daughter.)

Now The Hubs is all “I’m not doing that! There is no way I’m going to let someone do that to my nuts!”

I already felt bad for him because they will make him Do His Thang in a cup. I’m sure he probably won’t care because he enjoys the talk of the whacking it, but, well, I felt embarrassed for him. But now, he’d have to Do His Thang In a Cup AND be scared of someone placing a tiny little slit into his nutsack.

Men, I swear. They act like their puppies are all “sensitive” and “delicate” and “important.” I totally think they’re exaggerating when they fall to the ground after getting kicked in the nuts.

“Oh, my nutsack. It is SOOO SENSITIVE. I mean, it just hangs there, all hairy and wrinkly and you should respect the nutsack.”

How can I respect the nutsack if he won’t even let me get close to it? I’m sorry, Internet, but I find the giggleberries very interesting. So interesting that I’d like to get up close and examine. But…nooooooo. He’s “ticklish.”

Well, I wanna know how ticklish he’ll be one he’s doing this*.

*Not Safe For Work.

43 Comments

  1. Melanhead wrote,

    You had a baby shower, now it’s his turn to have a vasectomy shower. You could decorate the family room with snipped vas deferens, and everyone can give him ice packs for his swollen balls.

    It’ll be fun.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 10:27 pm

  2. mom on a wire wrote,

    Oh man, that was the funniest post ever. “Respect the nutsack” is the best phrase ever written on the internet.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 10:41 pm

  3. Laura GF wrote,

    When we’re done having kids, this is our plan too. It’s easy to agree on it now before the time to make the cut is at hand. I wonder how Joe will react once the day arrives. Keep us updated on how the Hubs manages it!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 10:42 pm

  4. JustLinda wrote,

    Have you ever heard ‘The Scrotum Song’? It’s done by a group called The Asylum Street Spankers and is played on the Bob and Tom morning radio show occasionally. Your post made me think of it… It’s a real upbeat tune that goes “Scrotum. Scrotum. It’s my wrinkly crinkly bag of skin. Scrotum. Scrotum. It’s the thing I keep my testis in.”

    I swear, once you hear it, it’s just so darn catchy that it will play in your head all day. Or perhaps I’m just disturbed. LOL

    Here is it: http://www.immortalia.com/html/records-and-cds/CDs/the-asylum-street-spankers/dirty-ditties/the-scrotum-song.htm

    My husband doesn’t want to get the snip-snip either. Sigh.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 10:43 pm

  5. Nicole wrote,

    Mine had it done - although he was conked out for it (guess he was a “nervous” person”. He had to shave his entire sack - that was the funniest thing ever.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 10:49 pm

  6. Sam wrote,

    Amusing. The Pill did the same thing to me, I was like a bengal looking for a fight! I finally found something though - the implant thing, have you heard of it? I hate pain, but surprisingly, it wasn’t too bad and I’ve actually gone back for a second one. They last for 3 years at a time and sometimes you get the benefit of no period!

    PS: When are you due, girl?! Seems like you’ve been pregnant forever!!!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 10:54 pm

  7. Kristina wrote,

    To snip or not to snip…here’s another tidbit for you. My MIL was telling me that after she had my hubby and his sister, my FIL got this done. She stayed on the pill for a year or 2 afterward because 2 of her friends had ‘unprotected sex’ right after THEIR hubbies had it done, and they both got preggers. It definitely works, but you should be careful for another year or 2 after the fact, she said. Also, my FIL said it was easy-peasy, not a bad operation, never regretted it, etc. Figured it was the least he could do, since she’d been on the pill for years, and - you know - BIRTHED the babies and everything… :)

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:00 pm

  8. Crystal wrote,

    My husband WILL get the snip when we’re done having children. Period. I’ve had my guts spayed open to remove 2 humans already, a little day surgery will be good for him.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:08 pm

  9. Isabel wrote,

    I just finished reading your account of giving birth. Jesus God Almighty! Where the hell were you before I had my baby? It would have been nice for someone to tell me the truth about ALLLLL about all the fun things I was about to experience like hemorrhoids, peeing and gushing all sorts of other bodily fluids the first time you get up to walk, and then finding out you CAN’T walk because it hurts SO much and my all-time favorite..the bain of cooters everywhere..the stitches. My first was a C-section. When I wanted to do a VBAC with the second, I had no idea what I was in for. A little snip-snip on the giggle berries will never, ever compare to what we’ve been through. I hope he goes through with it. I wouldn’t take the pill either!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:13 pm

  10. Crazy MomCat wrote,

    I’m pro-snip-snip as well, although my daughter is almost two and it hasn’t happened yet. Something tells me if I showed my hubby that picture, it never would. Hmmm…need to have that snip-snip talk again soon…so thanks for reminding me!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:19 pm

  11. Ninotchka wrote,

    Oh, I love you. YOU CRACK ME UP. I wrote an entry about the old snip-snip back when I was pregnant with Anna Sofia. It was a conversation I had with my girlfriend about how I’d carried the babies, birthed them (Elle [and Anna Sofia] without drugs!) and then nursed them forever and a day. I said I was going to let HIM get fixed. But he’d have to do it without drugs. However, I would let him have a doula. I’m not heartless, you know. lol lol lol

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:27 pm

  12. mrtl wrote,

    Our lovely military hospital boasts a possible year-long waiting list for the snip snip. I told my husband this, that he needs to get his name on it. I’m due in a month. It hasn’t happened. This without the DGM posts.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:28 pm

  13. Mir wrote,

    Awwww. Love that picture. It’s sort of like a newborn puppy, all hairless and pink and defenseless.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:38 pm

  14. Y wrote,

    Tony still hasn’t had his done and he already took the class which expires in six months. He’s cancelled his appt to have it done TWICE.

    So, Gabby is now 17 months old and my husband is STILL sportin’ a Weapon of Mass Fertilization&trade.

    I’m at the point where I’m just going to take a pair of scissors to His Shit while he’s sleeping and BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 12:26 am

  15. suzanne wrote,

    I was just talking about this with my hubby last night and after reading Dad Gone Mads post, he might be off the hook, even though I laughed through most of it. Yikes!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 1:16 am

  16. danelle wrote,

    I had my tubes tied when the last child was expelled and it was easy peasy.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 3:24 am

  17. Jyesika wrote,

    No kidding with the topsy-turvy pill effects. I went on ortho-tri cyclin and went utterly nutso. I had crazy moodswings and got all dramatically depressed. It got to the point that I would throw up (involuntarily) during the first week of the pill, because the dose was way too strong for my body. Obviously my body was telling me something. I switched to a really low-dose pill that has the same dose of hormones almost every day, except the first two days during your period. I’ve been on it for 6 years now and like it well enough.
    However, you totally deserve a vasectomy. It’s about time you don’t have to suffer massive hormone and body changes just so you can get it on! Surely they can just inject your hubby with some Veerised (phonetic spelling) to make him all loopy and giddy.
    -jys

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 5:21 am

  18. happay wrote,

    I think it’s good to get your man fixed. Someday I hope to have mine fixed as well.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 5:21 am

  19. roro wrote,

    My dad got fixed in 1978, right after my brother was born, because my grandfather threatened to kill him if he got my mom knocked up again (she nearly checked out both times she had a kid). My dad was too shy to tell my mom on the actual day he was going to the doctor and that night she made him and his painful junk go dancing. And still, he kept silent, aside from the occasional whimpering. He explained us later “Your mom went through a total of 72 hours of labour having you guys. I knew that foxtrotting my tender balls around for 4 hours wouldn’t make up for that … but it was a start.” Good times.

    Anyway - love your blog! Tell the Hubs not to fear the snip. It’s so his turn.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 8:16 am

  20. coolbeans wrote,

    Just tell him it doesn’t hurt; that it’s not really PAIN but more PRESSURE. Teach him breathing exercises to help him relax. Offer him ice chips and a cool wash cloth. Hold his hand and count to ten over and over again.

    Boys are sissies.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 9:45 am

  21. Julie wrote,

    My husband got a vasectomy last summer and got up and walked out the door and down to his group therapy appointment. (Good timing, huh?) It was easy, sneezy. Of course, I didn’t want to look at it for a month or so.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 9:48 am

  22. ieatcrayonz wrote,

    I think the testis snip snip is the way to go, even after reading DGM’s hysterical account of the procedure. It’s covered by insurance, right? Just think of all the money you’ll save on contraception that could be used for margaritas! And let me just say that if you’re in town around the time for your first, or second, or forty-fifth margarita, I’d love to buy it for you.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 10:12 am

  23. dawn wrote,

    I was due to have my period when my husband and I were going to be on our honeymoon. I was stupid and listened to the people who told me to just keep taking the pill, without the break so my period wouldn’t come that month. Talk about libido killer. We ended up having terrible sex because I was totally not into it and he TOTALLY was.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 10:28 am

  24. whoorl wrote,

    The pill is definitely a libido killer…I work in the women’s health industry and am aware of the completely valid scientific reason for why women lose their libido while taking the pill. Yet, many doctors still prefer to go with the “it’s all in your head” theory. Pretty ridiculous. The key is utilizing the lowest effective dose of estrogen possible …

    …excuse me while I perform my job on your website… :D

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 11:08 am

  25. Jeanette wrote,

    My husband would not get snipped either. After three children in three years, I told the doctor to cut, tie and burn those tubes. We also tried birth control pill(Ashley was born), the ring(amber was born) and condoms/birth control pills(Ariel was born). I was not taking any chances, I got fixed just 5 hours after the last one was born.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 11:20 am

  26. Dawners wrote,

    PSA: My friend got pregnant with triplets while she was on the patch. Stay away from the patch!!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 12:06 pm

  27. Jen wrote,

    Justin just had his vasectomy about a month ago. There really wasn’t that much to it. He was up and around the next day. I will say that seeing his balls afterward was hilarious. They really were blue. And very very large.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 12:25 pm

  28. Andrea wrote,

    My husband had it done about 8 months after baby #2; frankly after I endured two vaginal deliveries and a miscarriage, it was his turn. And it was not a big deal, although he did a good job of lounging around the house in sweatpants with an ice pack the rest of the day. I don’t remember anything being blue. He said one side was completely painless, and only a little pinchy on the other. The shaving was pretty darn funny, though. Anyway, I can give you the name of his urologist in Houston if you want it. Good luck with the new arrival.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 12:40 pm

  29. Kelly wrote,

    You are freakin hilarious!

    LOVE the new margarita banner!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 12:56 pm

  30. honey bunny wrote,

    i’m totally getting the hubs to get his nutsack snipped. i’m so tired of being on the pill. seriously. and it’s about time he dealt with some pain! if he doesn’t make an appointment on his own, i’m making it for him.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 12:57 pm

  31. Very Mom wrote,

    “Oh, my nutsack. It is SOOO SENSITIVE. I mean, it just hangs there, all hairy and wrinkly and you should respect the nutsack.”

    Bawhahahaha! Hey I’m one of those crazy weirdos who throws caution to the wind. Well not really but I do Natural Family Planning. It fits right in with my granola eating and armpit hair braiding self.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 1:08 pm

  32. Seglenda wrote,

    I think you are so funny! I don’t understand what the big deal is either. My hubby made and appt. for his “snip”. He left with tears in his eyes. He came home 15 minutes later. He didn’t do it! He was all, “I can’t do that to my nuts! It will ruin them…blah blah blah! I was like, LOOK, I gave birth had 36 stitches in the hooha area all the way to the booty area, I had the top of my breast cut open and had a pace maker shoved in there, and I have had heart surgury. You can have this done or you won’t get any EVERY again!” He went. I was not even alowed to go with him. He was such a wimp! He came home and was drugged up and showing his nuts to me and my parent’s. They were HUGE and BLACK! He slept for a few hours and when he woke up he was fine. He went that same nite and taught a CPR class. He sit in the chair with frozen peas on his crotch, and taught a class at the Fire Hall. Don’t you know they made fun of him! The next morning he push mowed our yard. SO tell the hubs he will be perfectly fine. I only wish that I got to go with him and watch it. You can go and watch…that is amazing! Good luck on getting him there. OH, and the fun part, I forgot, you have to take in a “sample” a few weeks later! I went with him and I got the giggles! He had it in a brown paper bag! He give it to the nurse and I said here’s his brown bag special. Boy was he mad at me! Good luck! It is so wonderful afterward!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 1:21 pm

  33. mrsmogul wrote,

    Okay I almost passed out on that pic. I want another baby so no cutting of the man’s dick off yet.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 1:22 pm

  34. Laura wrote,

    Obviously, the Hubs didn’t read the post script to DGM’s vasectomy story. DGM had to ejaculate something like 20 times before he went back to the urologist’s office. Tell the Hubs about THAT and see how he feels about a vasectomy!!!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 2:05 pm

  35. John wrote,

    I am currently counting my blessings that I am gay and will never accidentally get someone prego, thereby never having to get my sack snipped.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 3:12 pm

  36. Shalebug wrote,

    My hubs had his boys punished after the birth of our third. My pregnancy was horrible and birth was a nightmare that only women could understand… my cooter is still not the same *sigh*. We had fun with the bag of peas, and oh my, the jokes about the size of his very blackened coconuts…. It was all fun and games for years, until the unforseen and unthinkable happened and our youngest son passed away. (unrelated of course to the big V). Now hubs and I are both just a little bit sorry we didn’t wait a bit longer before we had the ol’ snip. Not that we want to replace the lost one with another (unthinkable and impossible) but it would be nice to have the ability to try again. Just a thought.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 5:33 pm

  37. Nytro wrote,

    i’m TOTALLY with you on the birth control killing the libido. here i am paying $15 a month NOT to have sex. does anyone else think this is crazy? i got an IUD last week and after a little spotting, i’ve been doing really, really well on it. and, i’ve got my libido back. love. it.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 5:46 pm

  38. Q wrote,

    The Ring??? Holy crap, I ran out during the holidays and my doc wasn’t available for a new prescription, so I just went off it entirely and went back to using condoms. It’s like I am all shiney and new, I can tell you that. The ring was an even BIGGER libido killer than the pill ever was for me. What a nuisance. I will totally have my man go through with vasectomy once we are done having kids. Hormonal contraception is just not the answer.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 6:13 pm

  39. Dawn wrote,

    Terrance had his Procedure in November. He still moans about his loss. However, I reminded him again and again that no one asked me to rest on the couch for 5 days following the birth of our child. In fact, They snatched her out of MY snatch and suggested that she was hungry and I should use my boob to feed her.

    But tell the Hubs. Sex is SO MUCH BETTER after the week of healing.

    But the look on his face afterward? Priceless. I tell a story on my blog about Terrance shoving frozen pease down his pants in the car, while an elderly white man watches from the SUV next to us. Confirming every racial sterotype Ever.

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 11:10 pm

  40. Eva wrote,

    I use depo provera (who cares how it is spelled). It’s a shot once every 3 months. The best part is ……wait for it……absolutely NO PERIOD!

    Some man has been keeping this a secret for a long time.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 7:10 am

  41. shellibells wrote,

    I was on the pill and got pregnant wtih my daughter, now 8.
    I again was on the pill and this time also used a condom (after the first 20 seconds to a minute) and got pregnant again. As far as I’m concerned, not only does the PILL not work, it makes you feel like shit. I think the whole idea of the pill is to make you feel liek you dont’ really wanna have sex in the first place, kills the libido, right?

    *sigh* Why can’t men have it like this? HAH, they can, give him that vasectomy! WOOOT!

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 10:19 am

  42. Clarence wrote,

    First…allow me to ask: Do you actually read all these comments?
    I voted for your Blog over at BOB’s. Hope you win.
    It is said that God had a bunch of elbow skin left over while he was creating man, so he decided to use it to make a sack to hold his testicles. That’s why it looks the way it does.

    Back to the topic: I had mine clipped when I was 35. That was thirty years ago, back when it was pretty new as a birth control procedure. It didn’t even slow me down. It DID NOT hurt even though they stuck me with the infamous square, three inch needle to numb the area first. If it takes someone a year to make sure it is safe to have intercourse without protection when it’s intercourse with their spouse, then all I can say is, they need to have sex more than once a month. I’d venture to say that any man, after ejaculating 12 times after his vasectomy will be shooting blanks for the rest of his life. Still…after 12 times he should take a specimen and give it to his doctor for testing to make sure.
    Any couple that a vesectomy sets free are FREE INDEED.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 11:21 am

  43. R*Belle wrote,

    My OB said she didn’t advise the ring for anyone that had a vaginal delivery…

    Comment on 1/20/2006 @ 9:02 pm

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