Birth Control for the Masses

January 15th, 2006

When I was a little girl, I had the notion of having lots and lots of kids. Seven, to be exact. They’d all have names like “Tabitha” and “Candace” and we’d all live happily ever after, just like the family in The Sound of Music– minus the Nazis.

Then I saw “The Miracle of Life” video in 7th grade health class and started making plans to adopt a little herd of children because no way was that stuff going to come out my coochie.

I remember, very distinctly, a lot of green stuff coming out after the baby. I can only hope that I don’t have green stuff in there right now. What is the green stuff? Snot? Ectoplasm? Leftover baby batter?

I never expected to get pregnant. Not because I thought I was infertile, it was just that haha, The Sarcastic Journalist getting pregnant. Good one. But then? Well there is this magical thing called “Natural Family Planning” and let’s all say that we weren’t exactly following the “family planning” part down to a T.

Natural? Oh yeah, we were all that.

In fact, I think that everyone that we knew who knew of our “birth control” method made predictions on how fast I’d get pregnant. Not only were their predictions wrong, but they were also slow! I got pregnant much faster than anyone could ever imagine.

I never expected for pregnancy to turn me into a big, stretchy, raving lunatic, but it did. I know that some women rub their bellies and talk of the miracle of life, but all I could do was scratch my expanding butt and talk about how I wanted more chocolate cake.

I think it’s hard for me to believe that there are actually “glowing” pregnant women. Are you really telling me that some women sit around, smiling and humming while knitting some cute booties? Do these women not get heartburn? Or the ‘rhoids from all that sitting?

Heck, if I sit on the toilet for two extra seconds while I tie my shoes, I have to pull out the Preparation H for the next week.

I think one of the most common comments I get are from women who are either: A. Not pregnant but enjoy the having of the sex or B. Newly pregnant and eagerly buying their copies of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

After said woman that enjoys sex or woman that had good ideas of pregnancy picks her jaw off the floor and stops crying, well, she asks me why I must scare her. Sadly, I always feel bad about scaring the women and then I try to email back with positives about babies: They’re little! They sometimes smell good! They’re fun to snuggle!

I do not mention my hatred of the baby socks.

After a very short self-assessment, I realize that I do not have many marketable skills. I can change a diaper on a wiggling toddler and I can stop said toddler from dropping her Fig Newton into the toilet. I can blog and well…I can also eat a lot.

But I’ve come up with a new marketable skill: Acting as a walking birth control method.

Are you a public school teacher? Sunday School teacher? Ice cream man that deals with large amounts of children? Do you want to scare the kids you come in contact with into abstinence?

Hire me!

Forget pictures of STDs. Forget telling those horney teens that they should wait until they’re older. Handing out condoms in the nurse’s office? HA! No, they need to meet their very own, very angry, very fat pregnant woman.

I’ll give them the real skinny on what it is like to be in the final month of pregnancy. First, grab the arm off an old Barbie. Shove said arm up your butt. Walk around for a month or two. If that isn’t enough, place about 570 odd-sized rocks under your mattress. Drink about 500 cups of coffee before trying to lie down on said rocks.

Whine, whine and then whine some more. Cry because that little baby on Oprah, the one that didn’t have a body at all, died during the operation because those mean doctors couldn’t figure out how to save a baby with no body at all.

Get emotional about the baby born without a face or the little girl covered in burn marks, both of which you can see on TLC.

Realize you shouldn’t watch so much TLC.

I know there are people out there that make reproducing look good. They get massages and manicures and make sure to wax before they go to the doctor.

They aren’t the people that secretly tweak their boobies when nobody is looking, hoping that all that tweaking might you know, do something down there.

Those women, the Happy Pregnant Women, do things like display pregnancy tickers. We all sit in awe as Little Peanut rides the Choo-Choo train down to Cooterville, all the while announcing “59 more days to go!”

Well, I’m not one of those people, so I’ve developed my own ticker. Sure it is, um a parody of another ticker, (which happens to be one of the better ones out there) but I think it describes my life perfectly.


  1. Beth wrote,

    You always make me laugh! By the the ticker!!

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:05 pm

  2. Lisa wrote,

    Oh too funny, I laughed that hard while reading your entry that I cried, I Just had a baby less then 2 years ago, so its all still fresh in my mind lol

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:23 pm

  3. JustLinda wrote,

    hahaha I think you’re onto something… start up your own little ticker factory.

    When my 2nd daughter was 7, she told me she was never going to have a baby ’cause she wouldn’t let a boy see her in her underwear.

    I was in AWE of the wisdom from such a young girl. She’s 20 now and I’m pretty sure no boy has ever seen her underwear. Mostly because they’re so freaking small, they can’t possibly be visible to the naked eye. I’ll think the dryer is empty and she’ll say “No, Mom, my underwear are in there!”

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:24 pm

  4. Corrie wrote,

    You know, I cried at a CREDIT CARD commercial this afternoon. What is wrong with me? Oh, I know…I am about to have a baby. This is crap, get the kid out of me already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:43 pm

  5. Crazy MomCat wrote,

    Hang in there, SJ! You are almost there! Look at it this way, at least your sense of humor is still intact. We’d all be sad if that went away this last few weeks!

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:46 pm

  6. Laura GF wrote,

    Oh my god, I love that ticker! It is creative and funny and just fantastic. SJ, I totally agree with JustLinda — if you made tickers (please, please make tickers?) your faithful readers would definitely use them.

    Also, have you noticed your 162 votes in the BoBs? Michele has such legions of commenters and is really a totally different kind of blog than yours. You are totally winning best overall blog if compared to blogs with the same format. Do you realize how many ticker subscriptions this could translate to? :)

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:51 pm

  7. Cristina wrote,

    About the sex thing…. I was a pregnant woman who wanted sex for one reason and one reason only. It started up my labor. With the first kiddo I felt sorry for my husband and I went to bed with him. Six hours later I was in the hosiptal pushing the kid out two weeks early. With the second kiddo I figured it would work again so I was chasing my husband around begging for sex ( I still don’t know how the hell that happened). Anyway he didn’t want to touch me because there were problems with that pregnancy and blah blah blah I was in the hosipital a couple of times. He finially gave in and I went into labor only 4 hours later!. The really bad thing the second time was that when I went and was examined by the nurse she felt the need to share what happened the night before. I believe her exact words were “Wow someone GOT busy last night”. Yeah thanks lady I like hearing that I’m loose while you’re giving me an exam.

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:54 pm

  8. Jack's Raging Mommy wrote,

    I hold Jack, and hug him, and love him so much it hurts. I stare at him and realize, I never want to have another baby.
    That shit hurts.
    And the new baby stuff? Not so much fun after all.

    Yes, you can throw this in my face if I become pregnant again.

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 10:57 pm

  9. david wrote,

    very funny _ i know you will love being a mom

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 11:27 pm

  10. dawn wrote,

    I was totally a poster woman for birth control only it was during my first four months. I do a lot of teenage-ish girls hair and during those months of pregnancy I nearly vomitted on many of them while they were in my chair. In fact I joked with them about coming to their schools and giving talks on birth control and abstinence while keeping a puke bucket nearby of course.

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 11:28 pm

  11. jess wrote,

    Three weeks - unless you’re overdue! Just kidding. The ‘rhoids? They will be with you forever now. They are your badge of natural family planning, might as well buy preparation h in bulk - i do.

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 11:29 pm

  12. Debbie wrote,

    Yeah, right. You’ll probably try that “natural birth control” thing again and be pregnant with number 3 by this summer. Now that will be some interesting blogging.

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 11:33 pm

  13. Melissa wrote,

    I was right there with you, if I had a glow, it was from hanging over the toilet loosing my guts all day. I hate hate hate pregnacy and love love love the baby.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 12:01 am

  14. daysgoby wrote,

    Have you tried offering the baby candy?

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 12:17 am

  15. karen wrote,

    I’m probably one of those annoying happy pregnant people - after the first 4 months. I’m not quite 3 months pregnant right now, and i’m smack in the middle of morning sickness. Let’s just say right now i’m not a poster child for the glowing pregnant woman.

    And about the crying thing - that’s one of my first clues that i’m pregnant. I start crying at commercials for car insurance or telephone service. Random.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 12:20 am

  16. Jyesika wrote,

    I’ve been concerned since seeing my mums boobs, with their bright red nipples, that I’m doomed to having the same happen to me. Do they stay like that forever? Or do they get paler after a year or two? Will I be trading my cute flesh colored nipples of youth for brown dinnerplate nipples upon getting knocked up? Forever?
    Seriously, is it worth it?
    I’m getting married… should I call it off and go celibate?
    I just found your blog yesterday, and stayed up ridiculously late reading your past entries. You are utterly hilarious.
    I was fired for my blog just a scant two months ago. Enjoyed reading about your experience. I, obviously, should have learned from Dooce etc. etc. but obviously cannot prevent my mouth from running off when I feel put upon at work. I’m glad to be in good company with you ladies.


    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 2:05 am

  17. Crystal wrote,

    The woman speaks the truth!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 2:23 am

  18. Valerie wrote,

    Wow….i guess there ARE worse things than being in my position! Hey, i’m not pregnant, but i cry at commercials, too…espeically when it’s “that time.”

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 8:44 am

  19. ieatcrayonz wrote,

    I’d buy it, but I don’t think I’ll ever need one again. Your blog does wonders for my ticking biological clock! I’ll be sure to have my daughter read the archives when she hits puberty.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 9:14 am

  20. coolbeans wrote,

    What the hell are you doing to Barbie over there?!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 9:48 am

  21. mrtl wrote,

    The idea of your addressing a roomful of middle or high school girls about pregnancy is BRILLIANT! Bonus having a toddler running around during your spiel.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:03 am

  22. s wrote,


    I glowed. Yeah. In that whale-finding-herself-unaccountably-thrown-onto-the-beach-and-gasping-for-water kind of way. ugh.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 11:23 am

  23. Nothing But Bonfires wrote,

    Tabitha? Candace? Were you planning on giving birth to cats? And soap opera stars?

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 1:05 pm

  24. mama_tulip wrote,

    I used to scream at passersby in the street, ‘WEAR CONDOMS’ after I had my first child. I hear ya.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 1:16 pm

  25. Shrinking Violet wrote,

    That is one of the methods China used to get people to use birth control - they’d send all the older women in the community around and talk about how having children ages you. God knows someone needs to say SOMETHING to the teenagers in this country. GO SJ!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 1:19 pm

  26. Dawn wrote,

    We could be a traveling show. I can display the vast quantities of anti-depressants that post partum depression caused me to ingest, and then loose my screaming ADD 7 year old daughter on the masses.

    We were at a birthday party on Saturday and I stepped out for a few minutes. When I returned my spastic child had begun the other “nice” girls chanting “TOGA!TOGA!” to the birthday girl.

    I placed my hands on her shoulders and announced “You can see why we only have one child.”

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 1:39 pm

  27. Mariselle wrote,

    My pregnancy glow was due to the glare of very shiny stomach, hip, thigh and other assorted stretch marks throughout my body.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 3:12 pm

  28. Beth wrote,

    I love it! You are the right kind of reality. Hang in there.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 3:20 pm

  29. snarflemarfle wrote,

    Ha! Love the ticker!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 4:57 pm

  30. Tammy wrote,

    I taught high school Family Studies while pregnant. I made the students watch a birth video, and between that horror show, and the sight of me carrying around a puke bucket for 8 months, they were scared into celibacy. At least for awhile.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 5:00 pm

  31. Crazy Lady wrote,

    I like that ticker - so much more about what is going on, than the peanut train!

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 5:03 pm

  32. Laura wrote,

    Oh, does this bring back memories. I was not a pleasant pregnant woman. When the fourteenth-million co-worker asked what I liked least about being pregnant, hemmorhoids, perhaps, I said, “no, I really hate the endless nosy questions co-workers ask.” She cried.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 5:22 pm

  33. Stefanie wrote,

    You know, you can have a glass of wine or two while you’re preggers. I’m just saying. Sounds like you need it. Even more than I do.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 7:59 pm

  34. tracy wrote,

    i’m kind of sad that there’s only three weeks left of your pregnancy. granted, i don’t have to be around you, but reading about your ‘rhoids makes my day less boring. maybe you could keep lil jizzy up there for a little longer? your readers thank you.

    Comment on 1/16/2006 @ 9:03 pm

  35. robyn wrote,

    OMG that ticker almost woke up the children!

    Comment on 1/17/2006 @ 1:12 am

  36. halloweenlover wrote,

    Is there really only 3 more weeks? Little Jizzy is going to be here in no time!!! And then we’ll really be gettin’ Jizzy wid it.

    Love the ticker.

    Comment on 1/18/2006 @ 10:59 am

  37. Heather wrote,

    Sheer brilliance. I can’t say how much I enjoy your blog. Not only are you a phenomenal writer but your entries are both honest and hilarious. I’m in the “pre-marriage and planning to have kids phase” and am a bit of a hippie in that I *think* I want to have a home birth… but I’m starting to seriously worry otherwise.

    I definitely think that you would be phenomenal birth control for the masses (if they stopped laughing long enough to listen). I hear about half of my fiance’s grade 7 class are sexually active (and 1/5th of them got caught smoking pot last week) so we’d love a tour stop if you decide to have one. :)

    Comment on 1/19/2006 @ 12:28 pm

  38. Troubleina wrote,

    ROFL……Love your editoral on pregnancy! Would it scare you to know that I DO have 7 kids? :D

    Comment on 1/24/2006 @ 6:15 pm

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