A Million Pieces

January 12th, 2006

Children are innately curious beings. That’s why they put dog food in their mouths or have the need to stop at every pine cone on the ground and touch it.

I get it. I try to encourage curosity to an extent, well, to the point that she’s not going to choke on any rocks, because I hope it encourages creativity and learning. Also, curosity in rocks is a heck of a lot cheaper than anything they sell at Toys R Us.

We’re all about the learnin’ in this house, Internet.

I also know that when left to their own devices, that The Little People will come up with creative ways to entertain themselves. While I’m sure it is okay to finger paint with poop or let your child juggle knives in other houses, well, I try to keep it to a minimum because I’m lazy and don’t want to clean poop or blood up off my couch.

In order to pass the time (isn’t that what it is all about?) before naptime, I let Miss E get into the shower with me. You see, somehow we have convinced our toddler that brushing teeth and taking baths are, in fact, rewards.

“Eat your dinner and then you can BRUSH YOUR TEETH!” She falls for it every time. She’s like a little dog jumping for a T-bone steak except the T-bone steak is a Tasmanian Devil toothbrush with Spongebob toothpaste.

Even though sitting at my feet while I shower isn’t exactly quality bath time, my child still enjoys playing with her “duckies.”

I’m not shy about letting her see me naked. Sure she pokes me in the “boobie” and sometimes grabs me in places that the sun doesn’t shine, but I figure its okay. I mean, my doctor manhandles me more than she does. Besides, she doesn’t realize that she’s doing something taboo. She’s just grabbing at what she sees.

I’m sure I might be different with Little Jizzy. Sure, I’ll let him see me naked, but there will come a point where all of his naked time will be with Daddy and his “puppy.”

I’m all ready to give talks on periods and bras but he’s going to be the one that explains those boy parts. Penises are scary, yall. That’s all I have to say about that. Luckily, The Hubs has already announced that he will tell Little Jizzy that “whacking it is okay.”

That’s my husband, Internet. Sorry, he’s taken.

So I’m in the shower today, with my back to my child as I wash my face. Next thing I know, I feel something poking me in the butt crack and it wasn’t the hemorhoids from last night. Seems as if my child decided today would be a good day to try and shove a shampoo bottle up my butt.

After making a loud “Woah!” noise, I put the bottle down and went back to business. All I can say is this: I’m glad we don’t have any gerbils in the house.


  1. Hänni wrote,

    OMG. Miss E put some ‘poo in your booty.

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 7:14 pm

  2. Crazy Lady wrote,

    squeaky ass clean!

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 7:45 pm

  3. Kim wrote,

    LOL Thanks for the laugh. For the record. Penis’s are good, great, wonderful. Anyways boys are no different, but I might be, I have a two year old that see’s it all. I’m not modest about nudity, LOVE it.

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 7:54 pm

  4. Dawners wrote,

    I thought for sure it was the “duckies”.

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 7:55 pm

  5. Laura GF wrote,

    You made me spit diet coke with the part about your interlude with the shampoo bottle ;)

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 8:33 pm

  6. The Hubs wrote,

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 8:46 pm

  7. Y wrote,

    See, I was scared of having a girl because of vagina issues, which is weird, because I have a vagin and I am in love with my vagina. But, The Penis is easy, man. Well, except for when they ask you why it gets big when they touch it, or when they grow hair on their balls or when they discover it feels good to put the “back massager” down there, but other than that, they’re great fun and nothing to be scared of!

    (Oh wait, I forgot… WET DREAMS. Yeah, you should be scared, very scared.)

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 9:11 pm

  8. Erin wrote,

    My crotch saw the large side of an adult big cup straw last week. My son said “what’s in there Mommy?” (point, with said straw to my crotch) and I laughed and said “more than you want to know.”

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 9:40 pm

  9. Melanhead wrote,

    Hey! That brings to mind the Glade commercial jingle: Plug it in, plug it in.

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 9:41 pm

  10. Big Thirsty's Wife wrote,

    Oh, your Hubs is a dirty man (#6). Kinda reminds me of mine. I’m in the market to multiply and reading your posts is giving me a nice warning for what I’m in for, thanks SJ.

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 10:21 pm

  11. ~Tim wrote,

    Thanks. I needed to laugh tonight. This did it!

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 10:42 pm

  12. Janet wrote,

    Richard Gere might disagree with you on that one.

    Congrats on your Best of Blogs nomination!

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 10:58 pm

  13. Melissa wrote,

    I love it. These are the joys only a parent can enjoy!!!
    Enjoy your clean ass!!

    Comment on 1/12/2006 @ 11:34 pm

  14. Autumn wrote,

    My house is surrounded by rocks. Just so you know.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 1:42 am

  15. Nothing But Bonfires wrote,

    At least the shampoo bottle was clean. You know, because you were in the shower.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 11:21 am

  16. s wrote,

    How is it possible for you to be so funny EVERY DAY?! I would comment on every post … if only my brain worked that quickly.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 1:11 pm

  17. Keb wrote,

    I forgot how fun they can be in the tub. My two misses are 6 and 8. They still see me naked although lately, I’m thinking they need to stop with the critiques. “Mom, your boobs are big!” or my fav, “Mom, why is your tummy so big?” You’re lucky. I didn’t get any boys.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 3:54 pm

  18. Stefanie wrote,

    I hope she then used some conditioner. There’s nothing worse than an unmanagable ass.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 3:55 pm

  19. Amy wrote,

    Ha! I had no idea where this one was going, but a stellar ending.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 4:16 pm

  20. Laura wrote,

    Ah! Isn’t that SWEET??? I love it when my kids play with my fat.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 4:24 pm

  21. Sheryl wrote,

    You’re so funny.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 4:28 pm

  22. Clarence wrote,

    I’m here via the BOB’s thing. It was fate I tell you. Destiny or something like that. I love me some sarcasm and honesty. Also, I think you are very funny … you know, in a you make me laugh a lot way. I probably would have gotten fired myself because of my Blog but they beat me to the punch and let me go after 23 years through a down-sizing move back in 1996. I’ll teach them…I’ll just retire. That’s what I did and I’m not the least bit sorry. If I do a search for saggy boobs will that get me there?

    I’ll be around, so go ahead…abuse me verbally…I don’t mind.
    If I owned a newspaper…I’d hire you. I like your style kiddo

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 4:45 pm

  23. Emily G. wrote,

    Children are not the only innately curious creatures - my husband ate cat food (dry) once to see what it tasted like. I refused to kiss him until he brushed his teeth. He may want to eat cat food, but in the throes of passion I’d rather taste Mentadent than Kibble.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 5:55 pm

  24. victoria winters wrote,

    Yikes! Nothing like a little anti-dandriff up the rear, eh? :)
    Funny story - thanks.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 6:21 pm

  25. carly wrote,

    i went in to check on my kids last night after they’d been in bed for a while, and my 6 year old was laying, spreadeagled and naked on the bed, “whacking it”. i just said good night and walked out

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 6:36 pm

  26. dyzgoneby wrote,

    My son is now at the “whacking it” a lot stage. I have to remind him that sister’s backscratcher isn’t for playing with anything other than your back.

    My exhusband didn’t think it was time to have “the” talk to him. Well at 11 it is way past time. I figured he knows more than dad thinks. When the x’s wife was pregnant. My son wasn’t quiet sure where they came from. Needless to say his “little sister” told him. Yep, she knew way more than him. Other than he loves to “whack away.”

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 8:43 pm

  27. Nicole wrote,

    Is this still National Delurking Week? Well, ready or not I’m delurking. I don’t remember how I found you, I know it was SOMEONE’S blog roll, but after a year now you are one of my Blog Bookmarks. Why? Well, you’re pregnant, I’m pregnant. You live in an apartment, I live in an apartment. You have sciatica, I have sciatica. (seriously, it’s bad, I know. Really bad) I do not live in Texas, nor do I mess with it, but we are brought close by the Internets, and that’s a beautiful thing. Rock on.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 10:31 pm

  28. Carmi wrote,

    That’s it: I’m removing all the shampoo bottles from our shower stall immediately and installing one of those wall-mounted dispenser thingies. Let’s see if our little people can yank that sucker down and cram it. I challenge them!

    Seriously, my stomach still hurts from all the laughing. Well said.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 10:38 pm

  29. heather wrote,

    Our girls showered with their daddy until the 2nd of the two decided to yank his *ahem* chain. I’m thinking my shower days with Kenny may be coming to an end soon as he has taken a particular fascination in nipples. Yes, nipples. I sense that there is something innate with men and nipples that has little to do with nursing, and so, our time of showering together has passed.

    And then, the other day, he yanked his daddy’s *chain* and well, the boy is doing baths now.

    Comment on 1/13/2006 @ 11:59 pm

  30. shelby wrote,

    you’ll have to let “e” know that the butt is for poopin…not for pokin

    Comment on 1/14/2006 @ 4:12 am

  31. Shalebug wrote,

    Thank God for you because you make me laugh!

    Comment on 1/14/2006 @ 11:50 am

  32. f-i-n wrote,

    As a kid, I tried a handful of cat food. Hey, if my cat liked it…

    Comment on 1/14/2006 @ 12:03 pm

  33. Heatheranne wrote,

    Y - As I’ve learned through my son’s sex ed classes, it’s no longer called “wet dreams”, it is now politically correctly called “nocturnal emissions”. Hee hee. I giggle my ass off every time I read that. It sounds like something you would take your car in to be checked for.

    I’m so glad I have a boy. I think boy parts are so much easier to deal with than girl parts. Plus, I don’t have to go through the whole teenage girl hormonal period crap.

    Comment on 1/14/2006 @ 2:48 pm

  34. Jack wrote,

    You haven’t lived until your child has tried to hide a toy/bottle/object in your behind.

    Comment on 1/14/2006 @ 8:29 pm

  35. Amy wrote,

    I’m delurking to tell you how sorry I feel for you w/ your sciatica. I had that w/ my 1st son and I was afraid to go to the store as I was having a homebirth and was scared I would have an “episode” that would bring me to my knees and then someone would yell “she’s in labor!” and cart me off to the hospital.

    Comment on 1/14/2006 @ 8:57 pm

  36. Stefanie wrote,

    I kind of thought your post was going to be about the James Frey memoir so I’m a little confused. Anyway…

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 12:01 am

  37. Autumn wrote,

    I once asked my husband to teach my son how to conceal an unexpected boner during math class because I think those happen sometimes, and I wanted my son to know what to do about it.

    It’s all good.

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 12:05 am

  38. Shrinking Violet wrote,

    One day, Miss E will know all the secrets of owning and operating the UTERUS system!

    Comment on 1/15/2006 @ 6:42 pm

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