everything I learned About Hypnotizing Myself, I learned on the Internet

January 4th, 2006

After weeks of walking around bags and boxes, I finally started to unpack Little Jizzy’s clothes. You see, I peed on a stick and then a rabbit died and all the suns and moons and stars worked together and said “By golly, I think you’re with child!”

Then they told me that child would be born in February. I laughed, because I like to hold in babies for a long time so we all realize that means the baby will come sometime in May.

Even though I don’t believe I’ll have a baby anytime soon, I realize that you know, I have to get things together Just In Case. (For those of you playing along at home, that means I do not expect a baby to pop out when I am 36 weeks pregnant. Those things just don’t happen.)

Also, since I’m a hypocrite and I don’t feel like answering 200 “are you in labor” emails for the next month, there is an “Operation Baby Drop” note in the column to your right. For all of you stuck in the Stone Age and not using Firefox, that column is at the bottom of this page.

Besides unpacking baby clothes and signing papers at the hospital, I’ve tried to prepare myself for the actual birth, aka The Day My Cooter Will Fall Apart Again.

I was lucky enough to have Kateri loan me her Hypnobirthing CDs. She warned me not to listen to them right before bedtime.

Guess what I did the first night at midnight, after I took a Unisom? Can you guess?

Internet, I can’t figure out if I’m doing Hypnobirthing correctly. You’re supposed to go into a very relaxed state and put your mind in a Happy Place where stretched coochies don’t hurt.

I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be singing the Lady Lump song in your head and thinking about how much your back hurts. Lumps and hurting backs are not part of the Hypnobirthing Program.

I once saw a video where a lady Hypnobirthed and did this thing with her finger. It is called a finger drop and you are supposed to look at your finger and then hypnotize yourself and then go to lala land. The lady in the video, well, her finger would drop and she looked like a frat guy that passed out on Homecoming. Her hand immediately hit the bed and she seemed very relaxed.

Well, um, when I do my finger drops, I don’t pass out and my hand doesn’t hit the bed. I feel like a faker closing my eyes and dropping my hand because I immediately go into Lady Lump Song mode.

I have a feeling that all the nurses at the hospital are going to realize that I’m practically the world’s worst hypnobirther and call me out on it. What if they’re experts on the Finger Drop and call me “Faker in Room 107?”

What if I keep doing the Finger Drops and trying to look all relaxed but secretly wishing for drugs but then I’d look like a wuss because ha, I was all “I’m cool” on the ‘net but then I totally backed out.

And yes, I know the whole “There is no medal for birth” and “The best birth is one with a happy baby and mom” speeches and nobody is allowed to give those to me because HA, I’ve already given those to other people.

I just hope that my nurse will sympathize with my ability to do all things half-assed and won’t call me a faker. And then maybe, just maybe, she’ll realize I come from a place where My Hardest Just Isn’t Good Enough and will still be nice enough to push the poop aside (nope, not an analogy) and let me pretend that I didn’t poop while giving birth.

Because, I don’t know about you people, but I might have troubles overlooking the poop of someone whose idea of “pain management” is a half-assed attempt at self-hypnosis.

26 Comments

  1. wordgirl wrote,

    I signed up for the pre-birth enema three times. Three times!! I draw the line at pooping on anyone who might get grossed out and forget to offer me drugs. I read hippie commune midwife/Ina May Gaskin’s “Spiritual Midwifery”, which is a fabulous book, but I could never convince myself that babies who “presented” face-up and broke my tailbone (3 times, people!!!) upon exiting my cooter were little rainbow fairies and my contractions were groovy “rushes” that made me see colors. Maybe you’re like me and that’s why hypnobirthing may just be an urban myth.
    Do what works for you. No judgement here. And no questions about when the baby is here. But….can we give you an internet baby shower?

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 12:07 am

  2. Stefanie wrote,

    I say have a fricken C-sec and call it a day! I had one and it was so easy and fun (okay, not fun but…) I felt better fast and have a little tiny scar. Sorry, not that funny but true!

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 12:29 am

  3. Aj wrote,

    Dude: if you back out, blame it on the kid. I did: he got “stuck.” Well, he really did get stuck, and I made noises I didn’t think were humanly possible which really sucked except for the fact that my brother heard me and will now never have pre-marital sex or probably sex at all for fear of procreating (I’m the best big sister EVER). I figure if you can’t make it through birth sans the happy machine and you’ve done all the training, it *must* be someone else’s fault, and there’s only one other else working with ya. Plus, then you can hold it over Jizzy for the rest of his life and give him more fodder for future therapy sessions: “And my mom blames me for making her look like a wimp online and . . . ” Or maybe that’s just my son talking. :)

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 12:31 am

  4. Cissy wrote,

    Drugs and plenty of ‘em. That hypnosis stuff, give it to your husband.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 12:47 am

  5. robyn wrote,

    You wouldn’t go through college without the drugs* so why would you go through a birth without ‘em? I mean, c’mon. Bring on the Demerol! I would’ve had ‘em throw a shot of tequila in my IV if I thought I could’ve got away with it. (*didn’t actually use drugs in college, unless you consider alcohol a drug, and I got my PhD in Rumology)

    Seriously though, good luck! Birth plans never seem to go as planned, but I’m hoping as badly as you want this, you break the mold… Just not the coochee.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 1:00 am

  6. Krisco wrote,

    I think most nurses, at this point, are “down” with letting you try it your way, but being there with the d-r-u-g-s if you suddenly CALL FOR THEM. (Like I did.)

    We had a visiting nurse from Louisianna; she had never seen anyone give birth squating, if you can imagine, and she was still supportive of that period of time before I caved (my god, I was getting induced at the time!!!!) but right there when I realized I needed help from medical, pharmaceutical science.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 2:31 am

  7. ivory wrote,

    My pain management technique? knowing that it WILL end, and most likely in a baby. but you already know this..

    did i miss if you decided on the hospital birth vs. the birth center? i know that if i had been at a hospital, where i knew drugs were offered, i would of taken them, but since i was at the birth center, where no drugs were offered, i was able to do without them. and guess what? i lived. i pooped on peoples hands, yelled loud enough for the neighbors to wonder who was being killed, and called my husband by the wrong name - but i lived, and am completely satisfied with my birth. do what feels right, and set yourself up for success. if you get the hypnobirthing down - great. if you don’t - well, your grandma didn’t have hypnobirthing OR lady lumps to get her through labor, and she (probably) lived.

    now i will go back to refreshing my page every half hour to check on operation baby drop.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 3:15 am

  8. Debbie wrote,

    I totally second what Cissy said! If you change your mind and want drugs than by golly take ‘em! That is not failing! Make the experience the best it can be (how good can it be having your cooter stretched to mammoth proportions and tons of people witnessing it?) and it can be decent. And, I didn’t poop on anyone after the first child so maybe you won’t either. Even if you do so what? Poop happens.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 7:41 am

  9. Amy Steier wrote,

    I’ve posted some pics of my big pregnant belly today. Do you have any new ones, too?

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 8:52 am

  10. Texas T-bone wrote,

    My wife went through 8 hours of labor and then had to have a C-section because the little booger refused to come out of his womb. If there’s a next time, we will probably plan a C-section. It’s like having an insta-baby. My wife gets impatient if the microwave takes too long.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 9:18 am

  11. clickmom wrote,

    First of all Stephanie is in denial, let’s just get that out in the open. I have done it both ways and let’s just say that you don’t get morphine after a vaginal birth-ever. Get my drift?

    People who are easily hynotized have alot of white showing when they look up as far as possible. Do you have a lot of white showing? If you can’t get the hang of hypno birthing just find yourself a hippy dippy Bradley teacher (Or get a good book and memorize it) and embrace the Bradley method. I did for my two VBACs and it they were 1,000 times easier to recover from than my c-section despite the fact that I wasn’t getting any younger.

    Tell Texas T-bone that suggesting surgery to his wife is not what a supportive husband does either. Jeez. Wise up people.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 10:01 am

  12. JustLinda wrote,

    I’m totally cracking up at this “You wouldn’t go through college without the drugs so why would you go through a birth without ‘em?” That’s classic… I’m going to remember it and spread it around in other places where I don’t give credit to Robyn at all and she’ll never know ’cause the internet is big and vast and I have other screennames I use. :p

    Anyway, drugs, no drugs, it’s all up to you. But just remember this — you have the opportunity to pile on MORE motherly guilt if you’ve gone through greater amounts of pain. I had an epidural with 1 of my 5 and I just don’t feel justified in blaming her for the endless hours of pain and suffering and pushing her big HUMONGOUS head out because, well, I didn’t feel it.

    Pay now or pay later, that’s what I always say (well, that and the thing Robyn said… I always say that, too, now.)

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 10:34 am

  13. Alison wrote,

    Ok, now I had my kid without meds in a hospital. I did not hypnobirth. I did take childbirth classes from my doula though and she helped us with techinques to get over the pain. I’m really thinking Lady Lumps will do that for you and if so, go for it! Whatever it takes babe! I love that song and to be completely honest, if I were to be popping out another baby anytime soon, I would have that song on repeat and I would be singing at the top of my lungs. That is just me though.

    Hypnobirth or not, lady lumps may be your ticket to going med-free.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 10:43 am

  14. Em wrote,

    Hey, do what you want but as a general rule in life, if someone offers me something to make seering pain disappear, I take it. I don’t wonder if I could do it through the pain. I don’t want to. Its like Fear Factor - why do those people cry through eating a bug? I would just not eat it. Easy Peasy. Same with marathon runners who look like they are about to keel over and die. God, stop running. Have a seat, here’s a Corona. Maybe its common sense, maybe its abject laziness but either way my memory bank isn’t full of thoughts of being in excruciating pain. I am not judging, really, do what you want. I’m just stating my stance on the whole pain control thing because you care (you know you do).

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 10:49 am

  15. KellyH wrote,

    Yeah, I’ve been the broken tailbone, ripped up cootch route. I’ve also been the planned c-section route. Guess which one was better?

    You can do it, SJ. Go with whatever is best for you and LJ!

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 11:48 am

  16. mapletree7 wrote,

    Damn you for putting that song in my head,

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 1:42 pm

  17. Dad wrote,

    Even though my youngest kid has been on the ground for over 17 years, I am still considered somewhat of an authority on baby making. I have some bad news. All that stuff they say and try to teach you in Baby Making Class is just stuff to make the people in the Baby Making Class establishment feel better about themselves, sell books, and make money. So be sure to learn all about self-hypnosis, cleansing breaths, heavy breathing, and a tennis ball or teddy bear to look at when you do heavy breathing. If you don’t, your Baby Making Class leader will feel bad. Then, when the time comes, take advantage of hundreds of years of advances in medicine.

    And by the way: It was over 24 hours between the time they started inducing our first and the c-section. No. 2 and no. 3 were scheduled c-sections. Mother and all three are doing fine.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 1:42 pm

  18. Emily wrote,

    I really wanted to do more relaxtion but back labor made me think differently!

    I admire you and hope that you have the birth experience you have planned. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you and sending you drug free labor thoughts!

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 2:16 pm

  19. Laura wrote,

    The medical term for “fake” is “malinger”. So if you hear the nurses and doctors talk about how you’re malingering, then you know that they are on to you. However, I would bet that you wont be able to hear their chatter over your own very loud screams.

    KIDDING!!!!

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 2:37 pm

  20. Rayne of Terror wrote,

    Laura, I just about spit my water at the computer. Too funny! WHether it’s February or May I’m sure you can have the birth you want SJ. I used my lamaze training to great relief until about 8 cms at which point I just hollered and rolled around. My control freak OB who pushed and pushed the epidural said, you wouldn’t be feeling this if you’d had the epidural when we offered it. Fart knockers to her! I pushed that baby out screaming and pooped on her besides. Next time I would ask for the enema. Pooping on the table made me embarassed for a long time. Only now, a year later, can I embrace the pooping.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 4:21 pm

  21. mrtl wrote,

    All kidding aside, I just want to say that I admire your she nuts for even CONSIDERING natural childbirth after having a kid. I know, millions of women for millions of years have done it, but I’m a huge wuss.

    I shall toast you with my duck fart.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 4:33 pm

  22. Karyn wrote,

    I birthed 3 babies (not all at once!) in a hospital without pain meds and didn’t get a single damn medal! I’m still upset over it. :-P Seriously, the key for me was remembering that the pain has a positive purpose and that it’s SUPPOSED to hurt, but the pain will end. I used to have very painful menstrual cramps that went on for days. Labor pains are worse, but they stop between each one and my labors certainly never lasted for 3 days like my menstrual cramps did. AND! I got a baby to show for it after all the pain was over. So I say, if you can handle menstruation, you can handle having a baby without pain meds. :-)

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 4:45 pm

  23. Tammy wrote,

    Is it alright if I secretly, just a tiny bit, hate Karyn?! Cause I do. Let me tell you, after the first kid, I was all for drugs. Bring on the drugs. In fact, when the nurse tried to have the “drugs will stay in your system” talk with me, I yelled “DRUGS NOW, TALK LATER” at her until she gave in.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 5:19 pm

  24. Recovering Straight Girl wrote,

    Go Clickmom.

    I won’t even get started…you know how I feel about all of this!
    Please remember what I told you about the giant trash bag that collects all of the crap that people say to try to sabbotage you; gather it up and throw it away before it even enters your brain.

    You’re going to be fine.

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 6:09 pm

  25. kelllie wrote,

    You can do it. I know you can! You know why you want to do it. Suck it to anyone who gives you a hard time or tries to belittle your decision to try.

    I also seem to find “Dad” up there a tad patronizing. Thank god he has a vagina though and can totally knows what we go through. :-)

    Comment on 1/5/2006 @ 10:02 pm

  26. Devra wrote,

    Hypnobirth? Hmm, if we change out the “y” for an “i”, delete the “n” and double the “p”, then I can say with certainty,”Been there”. However and whenever it happens, I wish you the absolute best. In the words of a song who’s performer I cannot remember due to complications of having “mommy brain”, let’s just sing “It’s your thang, do whatcha wanna do…”

    Comment on 1/6/2006 @ 11:43 pm

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