And on the seventh day, they thanked the Lord for Tom Cruise

July 18th, 2005

“Thank you Tom for standing up and saying something about it.”

Even though I saw “War of the Worlds” (please don’t hate me, the previews got me a long time ago) I was more than happy when the “Tom Cruise is a god” media frenzy went away. Tired of his jumping on the couch, fist pumping, grabbing his girlfriend and kissing her awkwardly for show, I would throw dirty diapers at my television, just begging the ladies on The View to stop kissing butt for one second.

Then, just like that, he went away. It seems, however, that all the “stars” are out jumping on the postpartum bandwagon. “Like, yeah, I was sad one day after I had my baby. Woah, that was bad. It was as bad as the time that Oprah didn’t get into Hermes.” I’m sure that there are plenty of the “stars” that have had full blown postpartum but they didn’t know it was that since the nanny took care of the baby all the time.

So, today, my child is screaming her head off because the stars and planets did not align in the way she wanted. From what I could figure out, she wanted me to hold her while she banged me in the head with her bottle.

At the same time, I’m battling my recurring depression with some hormones thrown in for a good mix. I swooped my baby up from the floor to bring her for a diaper change. In the background, I could hear some “celebrity” discussing postpartum depression and how “wonderful” Tom Cruise is for speaking out.

I take a look at my child, who is busy laughing at the fact that she isn’t wearing a diaper, and feel thankful for my antidepressants.

Yes, Tom, you are so wonderful. Thank you for being so brave to speak of postpartum depression. Since you are an “expert,” I shall become an expert as well. Let me tell you all about prostates. And penises! Ejaculation!

I hope that you are putting a very large suppository in your bum every day for your prostate. What? You aren’t? Well, I happen to go to a church that says there is no scientific reasoning behind not putting anything up your bum.

You don’t know the history of bottoms. I do.

In fact, I am offering myself up as the first “layperson” to go against Tom Cruise in a debate. I will stand up there in my Old Navy maternity clothing, with heels on (So I’ll be taller than old Tom) and stare him down.

When he starts going into his Scientology jargon (which we know he will) I will look him in the eye. After every blatantly wrong statement he makes, I will say one thing.

“Tom, please show me your vagina.”

59 Comments

  1. Jenna wrote,

    Irregardless of the fact that I have no children, I think Mr. Cruise is a whackjob who should not be commenting on things he really knows nothing about. Until he becomes a doctor, he need not proclaim to be an expert in anything except his own inflated ego.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 9:12 pm

  2. Torrie wrote,

    I’m pretty sure Tom is quite familiar with things up his bum.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 9:15 pm

  3. Carmen wrote,

    HAHAHAHAHA! Tom, show me your vagina. That just about killed me.

    This coming from another mom on antidepressants. I know the history of depression, at least in MY life, and I have no wish to repeat it, thank you very much!

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 9:19 pm

  4. clickmom wrote,

    As a PPD survivor- I just fantasize about meeting TC in a dark alley.

    OK, well this is actually an old fantasy, except it used to be that we would get naked and busy, now in my new fantasy I am armed with a baseball bat and duct tape.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 9:52 pm

  5. Jack's Raging Mommy wrote,

    I don’t think you’d need heels to be taller than him, he’s only two feet tall. He’s made taller digitally in post production.
    Fluid Pudding and I emailed one another griping about Tom Cruise for several days after his Today show appearance. Poor Joe is still having to listen to me bitch about it.
    My meds are the reason I am alive, so Tom Cruise can suck my non-existant cock.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 9:57 pm

  6. Michelle wrote,

    Tom is ass and likes it in the ass too, I bet. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I just got done crying my eyes out over last night’s episode of QAF. When do the hormones get back to normal? Never mind I don’t think I was normal before baby…

    You write really pretty SJ and you make me laugh!

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:02 pm

  7. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    Well, I’m 5′5 and he’s 5′7 so I’d probably have to put on heels to stare him down. And then I’d kick him with my heeled feet.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:06 pm

  8. Jack's Raging Mommy wrote,

    Do you have any idea how much money those photos would earn??

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:07 pm

  9. Y wrote,

    AHEM. Excuse me, I think that was my idea first and, like always, you’re totally copying me!!!!

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:09 pm

  10. Erin wrote,

    I would like to stab Tom Cruise in the eyeballs with a rusty fork.

    You, I would like to send a chalupa. The kind with the nacho cheese.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:15 pm

  11. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    chalupas for SJ! I love that idea, Erin. The more chalupas, the better. Though, I must admit i kind of have a thing for the baja chicken chalupas.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:28 pm

  12. Y wrote,

    You didn’t approve my comment? haaa.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 10:46 pm

  13. paula wrote,

    Tom Cruise is a complete idiot…In my not so humble fucking opinion.

    I had PPD so badly after my daughter was born that I was afraid people were going to come into the house and kidnap her. That is not vitamin deficency. That’s borderline psychosis brought on by hormones. I did come out of it eventually, thank goodness.

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 11:26 pm

  14. DesertJade wrote,

    My absolute favorite thing at Taco bell is the Cheesey Gordita Crunch. It started as a promotional thing “for a limited time” But here is a little secret… its not on the menu, but they still exsist.

    It is a taco, in a crunchy shell, with tomatos and baja sauce, then they put it inside a gordita and stick them together with cheese. Its crunchy, melty and cheesy (If I remember the commercials correctly). Haha, the subject has been changed from TC to TB!!!

    Comment on 7/18/2005 @ 11:29 pm

  15. christina wrote,

    wait a minute! Are you saying Tom ISN’T God?!?! WTF?
    And here I was about to pray to him to give me courage to take my vitamins. You know, the vitamins that heal the “crazies”

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 1:41 am

  16. jenB wrote,

    who the hell was thanking him for talking openly about depression? some other scientology freak? hmpf.

    and i like my taco bell simple. nachos supreme everytime baby.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 1:56 am

  17. kim wrote,

    Tom Cruise will get his just desserts in the end. Karma is a bitch baby…and she’s a woman.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 2:06 am

  18. Jessica wrote,

    I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again: Until Tom Cruise gives birth and lives through PPD, he needs to shut his piehole.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 3:48 am

  19. Jessica wrote,

    Looking back, I see that I used horrible grammar in my last post. It was supposed to say, “I’VE said it before and I’ll say it again…”

    Damned Percocet.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 3:49 am

  20. Keira wrote,

    Tom Cruise is the only guy that has prompted my very polite mother to go on a rant and say the word “bastard”. I prefer to describe him as a cockface :D

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 4:56 am

  21. Amber wrote,

    Long time lurker here…Love your writing.

    The important stuff first. On Taco Bell, I love the traditional soft taco but with the fiesta salsa. Yummmmmy! I also love the Nachos Supreme (no sour cream).

    Tom Cruise has never been high on my list of favorites. At 5′9″ I have an aversion to shorter men. Plus I always thought that he had too many teeth. I myself thought that after all of that jumping around and screaming and looking like an idiot that he needed to consult a physician about starting Lithium for his obvious Bipolar disorder. Did you know that with bipolar one has ideas of grandeur? Also, extreme hyperactivity. Don’t you think he fits the bill????

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 8:10 am

  22. Amber wrote,

    Hope I don’t offend anyone with the short guy comment or the diagnosis of Tom Cruise. I am as crazy as anyone (depression, OCD, etc.) but I try not to use my celebrity status (haha) to push my opinions on anyone.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 8:16 am

  23. Barefootgoddess wrote,

    I would love to see Tom Cruise’s vagina

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 8:22 am

  24. Citizen Mom wrote,

    The ironic part is that there seems to be noone in this country MORE in need of psychiatric care and meds than ol’ Toothy Tom himself. And you know, even though his medical “expertise” is highly in question and his rantings are freakish, I don’t even begrudge him his opinons about vitamins, etc. What bothers me most is that he chose to call Brooke Shields out about it because she chose to deal with her experience in a way he doesn’t approve of. That’s some bullshit!
    Wait until “Kate” has a baby, gets PPD and decides, say, not to shower for a week because she’s afraid the baby won’t recognize her smell anymore. Then he’ll change his tune.
    Me, I dealt with my PPD the old-fashioned way: Vodka martinis and joints every night.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 8:38 am

  25. Stephanie2913 wrote,

    Tom Cruise is a complete idiot. I cringe everytime he opens his piehole. When he has a baby then he can talk, but until then he needs to keep it shut.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 8:38 am

  26. Curly Girl wrote,

    ha ha! that is some funny shit. i hate me some tom cruise.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 9:09 am

  27. coolbeans wrote,

    Tom Cruise doesn’t deserve a vagina. Vaginas are too good for him.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 9:17 am

  28. Debbie wrote,

    I think its quite a coincidence that now that their two movies are out, we aren’t having their LOVE thrust in our faces anymore. I suspected their “love affair” was a PR stunt from the beginning. They both had everything to gain!

    Tom has jumped on the crazy wagon. I keep wondering “where is his PR handler that would tell him to shut the hell up?????

    SJ, hang in there with the depression/kids etc. I can remember when my kids were little and I thought I was going to lose it. I told my husband they were sucking the life right out of us! It gets a lot better as they get older. Keep writing - it will keep you somewhat sane. I hope you are submitting things elsewhere.

    Taco Bell Taco Salad is to die for!!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 9:21 am

  29. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    debbie, tom’s PR person is his Scientologist sister. Yeah, that explains a lot.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 9:40 am

  30. Rebecca wrote,

    THAT is the best rebuttal ANYONE could ever think of. Amen.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 9:41 am

  31. debutaunt wrote,

    I still say it’s the herpes. It has driven him mad.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 9:46 am

  32. Ninotchka wrote,

    “Tom, please show me your vagina”

    FUCKING BRILLIANT!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 10:14 am

  33. MollieBee wrote,

    What about the Chilito bitches?

    That shit is yuuuuuuumy.

    It’s not the herpes deb, it’s the THETANS.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 10:15 am

  34. Y wrote,

    Hey! I thought of that first! But my first comment where I linked the post got “lost”.

    Now I can’t link the post where I “interviewed” tom and asked him about his vagina because my database is possibly lost forever!

    Man, this pms is getting out of control because man, I want credit for saying that first! haaaaaa.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 10:18 am

  35. Stacey wrote,

    All the scientologists are coming out to defend him. Weirdos.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 10:24 am

  36. Y wrote,

    HAHA! haaaa. my “lost” comment was suddenly FOUND and now I look dumb! SJ DID IT ON PURPOSE!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 10:41 am

  37. Dee wrote,

    Yeah, I especially like how Kelly Preston is giving Tom credit for the FDA warning people about specific medicines. I just don’t get why all those celebrities keep giving him credit for “warning the public” and that all he was doing was saying that possible side effects should be given before someone accepts a prescription. Ummm, isn’t that what your doctor is for?

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 10:44 am

  38. ieatcrayonz wrote,

    Stacey’s comment made me wonder exactly who these celebrity Scientologist converts are. Interesting and frightening all at the same time.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 11:33 am

  39. h.m. wrote,

    hey Y–read the bottom of the comments section where it says “All comments with links in them have to be approved by me. You do not need to double post.”

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 12:16 pm

  40. Y wrote,

    hey hm, read where me and SJ are good friends and I like to tease her about copying me and I emailed her about it and was all “approve my comment, hizo” and she was all “I can’t find it”, but then she found it and we laughed about how stupid I look.

    I knew she had to approve it, that’s why I was teasing her.

    BUt THANKS!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 12:25 pm

  41. Nicole wrote,

    F Tom Cruise! I wanna see his vag too, then I would kick him in it! He is a psycho who needs to shut it up.

    On another note…the beef meximelt is my favorite! MMMMM! all beefy and cheesey and beefy. Come to think of it…I like my men the same way!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 12:30 pm

  42. Pam wrote,

    Tom Cruise, in the words of my husband, is a douche.

    And my mom believes so, too. And we all know that mothers are never wrong!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 12:31 pm

  43. Amy Steier wrote,

    Tom Cruise’s religion prevents him from showing you his vagina. I figure if he doesn’t have any balls, he MUST have a vagina, right?

    I secretly wish for him to OD on his “vitamins.”

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 12:37 pm

  44. Rowan wrote,

    Oh, I dod love you. For today, you are my hero.

    Perhaps we should all bend over and drop trow to show him ours.

    Ya can’t beat that, now can you, Tom.

    (Sorry if that was a bit rude, but so is telling other people how to live their lives.)

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 1:14 pm

  45. Rowan wrote,

    Hmmmm.

    That was supposed to read, “I do love you.”

    proofread - Rowan - proofread!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 1:15 pm

  46. Jen wrote,

    Three cheers for SJ!

    I want to *SMACK* that man!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 1:24 pm

  47. Jessie wrote,

    Yeah, never liked him and really don’t like him now. “I know the history of psychology” phbbbttt…whatever dude. He sucks.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 1:54 pm

  48. Kelly wrote,

    Just wanted to tell you thank you for your post you wrote about the boring mundane sahm life. I could relate to so much of it. I’ve been doing it for a thousand days now and I feel every last one of them today. I hope everyone is right when they say, it gets easier when they are older, because right now I am going fucking nuts.

    Love your writing.

    Kelly

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 2:26 pm

  49. Happay` wrote,

    I wonder if Tom reads blogs… he could learn a thing or two from them. I also would like to see his vagina. You really cracked me up today. :)

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 2:29 pm

  50. Bella Ozfemme wrote,

    Hi. I’m from Australia. Who is Tom Cruise?

    Only kidding. Sadly, we have been splattered with the whole poopfest that is Tom (and Katie). And the rest of the garbage he has been spluttering. Hopefully it will all die down eventually and he’ll go back to the closet.
    (We’ve all known he’s gay for years. Not that there’s anything wrong with that) Who does he think he’s kidding???? …Katie, maybe????

    Re ppd. I’ve just been brave enough to go off my antidepressants. My baby is nearly eight years old.

    And there’s no taco bell where I live. Please pray for me.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 2:39 pm

  51. sleepingmommy wrote,

    Do you know how much money I would pay (if I had any) to see that?

    A lot.

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 4:09 pm

  52. debutaunt wrote,

    Clarification. I think Tom has a man-gina. And it’s angry and diseased. It is what makes him so bitter.

    Someone hand him some Yeastgard. Pronto!!

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 5:18 pm

  53. Laura wrote,

    You know what? I’d be afraid that if you asked TC to show you his vagina, that he’d lean over and show you his asshole. ‘Cause that’s kinda gay slang…

    Comment on 7/19/2005 @ 11:08 pm

  54. Suzie Petunia wrote,

    Is anyone else boycotting Tom Cruise’s movies, or is it just me? Let’s all get together and go see “Bewitched” (regardless of its ratings). For the first time I am so happy for Nicole that she is no longer with him. How did she stand it?

    Comment on 7/21/2005 @ 12:49 am

  55. Imaginary Girl wrote,

    Hurrah! Brilliant Post! I too have had enough of the ‘TomKat’ swill that’s been dished up. Anyone who can break up with Nicole Kidman (top Aussie bird) is not right in my books!!
    Ha Ha - Luv the Tom has bi-polar theory too. He is actually an alien! That’s why he ignores his kids for at least the first half an hour of “War of the Worlds” to stare at the action. Run, Katie, run! Get the hell outta there! Before you are fully converted (see brain-washed!).

    Comment on 7/21/2005 @ 3:11 am

  56. Carrie Ann wrote,

    And has anyone pointed out that he has never actually LIVED with a woman who has given birth and would therefore HAVE crazy hormones? He and his darling ex-wife ADOPTED children. Adpotion=no crazy hormones=no postpartum! You’re a nut job, Tom!

    Comment on 7/21/2005 @ 11:50 am

  57. Ty wrote,

    I’ve seen his vagina, and believe me, it’s not a pretty sight. It’s all drippy and hangy, with lots of whiteheads surrounding it. I have pics, but trust me, you don’t want to see them…

    Comment on 7/22/2005 @ 11:21 am

  58. suze wrote,

    oh my god. so funny sj.

    Comment on 7/23/2005 @ 7:22 am

  59. Shana wrote,

    Brilliant! I feel sorry for him. Tom truly believes the voices in his head - and has found a “religion/science” to confirm them. If only we had known back in the days of Risky Business, perhaps something could have been done to keep him normal. Do you think it was inherent in him or, a product of his fame? Nature or nurture, I guess?

    Comment on 7/24/2005 @ 12:43 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Powered by WordPress