What Did Your Vagina Do Today?

July 10th, 2005

Many years ago, my stepmother had an accident when a deer ran into her car. She seemed a little upset about it and I joked that life would now be known as BA and AA. Before the Accident and After the Accident.

It is the same way with having kids. My life is now BB and AB: Before Baby and After Baby.

There are things in life nobody should say to a women who is pregnant such as “Wow! You sure are big! Are you sure you aren’t having twins?” I’m going to hang my head in shame to say that I said this to someone once upon meeting and she still became my friend for awhile.

When I was pregnant with Ellie, someone (Not The Hubs) told me that I looked fat in pictures. Before I go on with the story, let it be known that #1 I was 8 months pregnant. #2 I had just got fired from my job and was getting ready to move cross-country to Texas. #3 Not fat. What made it worse was that this person had been pregnant herself and wasn’t what we called a skinny minnie. Even worse was that we shared the same DNA and had, you know, parents in common.

This person and I are not speaking to each other right now and I have said I would not write about her on here. But? I am not speaking ill of this person, in fact, I’m just telling a story of what she said to me on the phone. Therefore, if you’re going to call someone “fat” while she is pregnant and not fat, you better stand behind what you said, biotch.

ANYWAY, before I got pregnant with Ellie, I figured I’d gain about 90 pounds with the pregnancy. Somehow, up until my last month, I had only gained 22 pounds. I gained 6 pounds in the last month, which is odd considering I only drank Sonic Slushies for 4 weeks straight.

So that final weigh-in comes and I had only gained 28 pounds. Yeah, I felt a little smug like “Ha! Look at me!” You would have thought I had just graduated from Harvard with a double major and honors, that’s how smug I was. (I know, this is all going to come and haunt me. I can see it now.) And then, this is the sad part, I never lost any weight (give a few pounds) after my 6 week postpartum checkup. Given that I was thin beforehand, the 11 pounds I still carried from pregnancy weren’t horrible so I dealt with it.

Now I’m pregnant again and I have this constant voice inside my head from the Inner Critic that says “You’re going to gain a lot more than 28 pounds this time, biznitch. Yeah, yeah, keep eating Taco Bell. Let’s see how big your butt can get!”

Now before the Eating Disorders Police hop onto the comment section and threaten to report me, please know I’m eating enough. Pregnancy makes me have the cravings of a 7-year-old boy so I’ve had hot dogs, fried chicken and mac & cheese. Nobody is starving over here.

So, BB I had this weird idea that if you had a big baby, that meant that you got really fat in your pregnancy. You know, Hollywood people always have 5 pound babies and they only gained about 3 pounds total in the nine months. So, of course, I decided I wouldn’t have a “big” baby because i wasn’t gaining that much weight!

In fact, my doctor told me at my 40+ week checkup that I might have a 7 pounder on my hand, at tops. (Note to all pregnant women: NOBODY CAN TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS BABY WILL WEIGH. WHEN YOUR DOCTOR MAKES A GUESS, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS PERSON GETS POOPED ON MANY TIMES A WEEK BY WOMEN GIVING BIRTH.)

So, I ran around saying “Look at me! I didn’t gain much weight and I’m having a teeny tiny baby!”

I guess that my doc didn’t think about the fact that my husband is 6′4 and comes from a family of giants. Next thing you know, my child is born and she weighed 8 pounds, 15 ounces.

All of a sudden, I’m wearing my child’s birth weight like a badge. Like, HA! My baby was big and I was miserable and see? I had a reason to complain all that time! The weird thing is that I’m not a very competitive person. I’m not very good in sports because I really don’t care about winning, I’m more into having fun and acting like an idiot.

I also enjoy telling people that I am a twin and was born weighing in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Like ha! I win the big twin badge as well!

(I see an entire session with my therapist in my future on this topic.)

Part of me is trying not to think about the potential size of this baby. I mean, if it decides to go down that Log Ride known as my vagina, well, the thought of a ten pounder shooting out makes me want to cross my legs and go “ouch.”

Perhaps I should have thought about that before I got myself into this mess.

I’m more worried about the fact that I am going to have to actually work to lose the baby weight this time, especially since I am not having 17 weeks of hyperemesis to stop the gain. Trust me, though, I’d rather gain the weight instead of having that Living Hell.

The funny thing, before The Crazies come out of the woodwork, is that someone can not control how much a baby weighs when it is born, much like they can’t control if it comes early or late.

All I can hope is that these MNMs go to developing Little Jizzy and not developing my love handles.

Either way, if I never accomplish anything else in my life, I can at least say “Ha! Yeah well my baby almost weighed nine pounds! I don’t see you having to get stiches to acquire that fancy schmancy PhD!”

34 Comments

  1. Shalini wrote,

    hehe.. we totally financed Sonic didn’t we… And now you are financing Taco Bell, we should totally have shares in those companies!

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 9:32 pm

  2. Torrie wrote,

    My husband graduated from Harvard with a double major and honors but he’s not nearly as funny as you.

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 9:41 pm

  3. SuzanH wrote,

    I could not stop eating Taco Bell when I was pregnant. Regular tacos but with two or three packets of the really hot sauce on each. Mmmm. Now? Can’t hardly eat the regular sauce.

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 10:30 pm

  4. janna wrote,

    Aren’t sisters a pain? Mine tells me I’m fat all the time, which is stupid, since she’s like anorexic or something. Actually she tells me, “Look how skinny you used to be, you sure gained a lot of weight recently.”

    YEAH, I was skinny when I was FOURTEEN. God.

    But I have bigger boobs than she does. So there.

    SJ, I might need the name of your therapist…

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 10:35 pm

  5. Crystal wrote,

    Ha! I gained 32 lbs, and my kids weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and 4 lbs 14 oz. 11 lbs of baby total, and everyone was CERTAIN I wasn’t gaining enough weight, and they were going to be tiny little sickly babies. Oh, and you were a 7+lb TWIN?? Good lord! I thought my son was big for a twin, but your mom must have been miserable!! Anyway, since were trying to get pregnant, my hubby is terrified that I’ll carry some huge kid because he’s a lot bigger than my ex. He’s also grateful I’ll have another C section, since he has a big ass head, and assumes his kid will too. I so don’t worry about it, since my little ass carried 11lbs of babies once, I can do anything!!

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 10:40 pm

  6. Y's vagina wrote,

    What did I do today? SO glad you asked. I cried a lot, because my cock isn’t snipped yet and as much as I miss him? I won’t let him in because I REFUSE TO LET ANOTHER HUMAN BEING PASS THROUGH ME.

    p.s. I got more stitches than your vagina, so don’t even try it, sistah.

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 10:50 pm

  7. Bente wrote,

    My Elli was 8 lbs 9 ounces! I had to have a ceasar though. I was a bit cocky about stretch marks while pregnant–didn’t have a single one up until the beginning of the ninth month and then all of a sudden I was covered in them. I swear it happened over night.

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 10:55 pm

  8. Bella Ozfemme wrote,

    Eden (daughter) weighed in at 11lb 12 ounces. At birth.
    Now, what do I win????

    If the Eating Disorder Police start bugging you - send them to me. Now there’s an emergency….

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 11:17 pm

  9. Stefanie wrote,

    There’s such a simple solution to your problem I’m surprised you didn’t see it. Smoking. I’m sure you’ve heard that smoking (and I’m talking cigarettes not crack so please don’t get upset) can really make you have a small baby. But keep in mind, second hand smoke won’t do it so start puffing sister!

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 11:28 pm

  10. MsInterpreted wrote,

    Absolutely no offense to your sister, I mean, the person that shares the same DNA as you, but she is just jealous. You are NOT fat.

    Comment on 7/10/2005 @ 11:37 pm

  11. tracy wrote,

    i weighed eleven and a half pounds when i was born. my claim to fame: I WAS AN ENORMOUSLY FAT BABY.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 1:40 am

  12. tanya wrote,

    i have been asked if I was pregnant, or assumed, or confused with someone who has too many times. I’m not, wasn’t at the time. I’m just fat. I wish people would just shut up sometimes! Don’t take sas from anyone, your pregnant and beautiful. Creating a human being deserves more respect.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 3:58 am

  13. Robotnik wrote,

    G checked in at 10 lbs. 8 oz.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 5:48 am

  14. Lizard Queen wrote,

    I totally gained less with the second baby…which I was smug about, till I gave birth to him…ya see my first was 9lbs 4ozs…and well I figure since I gained less this one would be smaller…hell no, he was 9lbs 14ozs…ugh! I didn’t go all crazy gung ho natural with him, as in no painkillers like I did previously…I gave in about a hour before I started pushing and begged for some demerol…

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 8:13 am

  15. Tuesdayef wrote,

    My twins were 7lbs 1 oz and 8lbs 2 oz.

    THAT is my claim to fame. Now gimme my prize.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 8:18 am

  16. Mir wrote,

    I dunno, supposedly subsequent babies are larger, so after my nearly 9-pound first child I was TERRIFIED… but Monkey was barely 6 pounds. Something about the placement of the umbilical cord on the placenta, I think the doc said, but I didn’t really hear him because I was too busy dancing around going “Holy CRAP that was easy! Didja SEE that? That TINY LITTLE BABY practically FELL out!!”

    Ahem.

    Anyway, the moral of the story (other than my being a gigantic dork) is that you just don’t know, and it’s all good. Also, when you have kids close together like this (mine are close as well) you lose a surprising amount of weight just trying to keep up with a toddler and an infant.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 8:30 am

  17. debutaunt wrote,

    My child weighed 62 lbs 6 oz. It was ALL baby weight. I ate nothing but Golden Corral Buffets every day. They even named a breakfast taco after my kid. When I gave birth, they chopped her out of me and I was running a marathon the next day and fitting into jeans I wore when I was in 4th grade.

    Eating disorder po-lice? Jigga what?

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 9:28 am

  18. chris wrote,

    I have given birth to 7 kids, that is my claim to fame and I want a prize dammit, and I have found no correlation between my weight gain and their weight.

    When I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first the ob told me he was so concerned at how small the baby was, he didn’t think the baby would even weigh 5 pounds at birth, blah, blah, blah. ONE WEEK later he was born early weighing in at 8 pounds.

    Or what about my MIL who insisted through every pregnancy that I must be having a girl, since I was so fat and looked so bad, because “girl pregnancies rob you of your looks.” Uh yeah, thanks, I had 6 boys.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 9:47 am

  19. KattyKatFlash wrote,

    I thought I was gonna explode I got so huge, all I ate while preggers was mini-microwavable pancakes (couldn’t wait long enough for the real ones) and steak. I started out at 115lb. By week 34 I was 178lb. HP (the kid) was born 5 weeks early (exactly 35 weeks to the day) and he weighed in at 6lb 7oz. He looked like a sharpei (the dog not the permanent marker). I can only imagine what he wouldn’ve been full term seeing as I was 9lbs 8oz when I was born. My mom told me I looked like a three month old from day one. I’m almost back to pre-pregnancy weight still have 10lbs to go (god help me).

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 11:03 am

  20. Seglenda wrote,

    I gained exactly 90 pounds. I weighed in on my 4 month check-up and was 108 pounds. I got weighed in on the day she was born and was 198!!! HELLO!!! I went from itty bitty hottie to hippo! The little one weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces. So where is my prize? Maybe I will get it when I finally lose all of it….yeah right!

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 11:38 am

  21. Jack's Raging Mommy wrote,

    When I was pregnant with my first baby, Justin, my world was far from okay. Paired with my eating disorder and the feeling of “Woo! I can actually eat!” I gained 60 pounds. (Justin was 8lb 15 oz too oddly enough… so I can relate to the big baby thing) I never lost all of it, so with Jack’s pregnancy I knew that the huge numbers were going to make me crazy throwing up lady, so I didn’t let them tell me what I weighed. Other than the odd looks when I would face away from the scale and tell people I couldn’t know my weight it wasn’t a problem. Sure, I felt huge, but I was pregnant so it was ok. The other upside to this being I don’t know how much I gained, and since I am still not weighing myself I don’t have to focuse on specific numbers. I can just go by how I feel and what clothes I can get in.
    Oh, and if you are freaked out about having an even bigger baby, Jack was only 8lb 7oz.
    And as for my vagina, the poor thing has had no visitors since my stomach has decided to reject everything that enters it, making vagina visitors a non-pleasant thought. Good thing Joe likes the porn.
    (It’s amazing what we tell strangers over the internet)

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 11:57 am

  22. TDCL wrote,

    Women poop when they are giving birth???? Seriously? I gave birth!!!…..Do ya think……??? And they never told me….?????? OMG

    BTW, I had an 8lb 5 oz baby…I sat on a doughnut pillow for three weeks. She is an only child.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 12:03 pm

  23. Meredith wrote,

    I’d get knocked up again in a second if only my period would come back and my extra weight would melt away. Or I might just suck it up and be pregnant for some time and deal with the old body much later. Like when I have the cash to have reconstructive surgery on these so-called boobs. Perhaps I’ll jsut get pregnant again so I can see what more havoc can strike these suckers down. Wait. Were we talking about vaginas? Right. Vaginas.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 1:52 pm

  24. MollieBee wrote,

    My cooch did nothing today, the lazy bitch.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 3:02 pm

  25. SuperMomIsDead wrote,

    I gained just under a ton with both pregnancies, and my eating habits hadn’t really changed all that much - just spicier. Both of my boys were big. My 3 year old was my “little guy” at 9 lbs, 9 ozs. My 6 year old makes pregnant mommies cringe. He was 10 lbs, 11 3/4 ozs and 25 1/4 inches long - and a head that was off the charts. Both were C-Sections. When I was recovering from the first, people would walk by my room and whisper (not so quietly), “That’s the mom who had that really big baby!” The hospital had preprinted post-C-Section instructions stating that moms shouldn’t lift more than 10 lbs. They very cleverly crossed this out and wrote over the top that I couldn’t lift anything heavier than my baby.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 3:37 pm

  26. Torrie wrote,

    I fucking love the internet.

    “Hey SJ, you are going to gain a ton of weight. And the baby will be HUGE. And it will hurt. And you will poop on the table. And you will have trouble losing the baby weight.But I did too, so it’s OK.”

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 4:49 pm

  27. brilly wrote,

    My husbands father was the largest baby born in Britian in 1911. He weighed in at 15 lb 2 oz. He has a cup to prove it. His Mum was on crutches for a few weeks. She had 11 kids and two of them were 15 pounders. Scary huh?

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 5:00 pm

  28. Seriously Steph. wrote,

    With my son, I craved Sonic’s Cherry Limeades non-stop. The daughter, it was pineapple and bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits from McD’s. (OK, I still crave those, I can’t help it!)

    My son was 3 weeks early and he was 7 lbs 11 oz. You’d think I’d have thought of that when I got pregnant with my second child. I did not. I gained very little weight with her, until the last trimester, where I made up for it all. She was 9 lb 3 oz. and I had her naturally. Ugh! If you think I’m trying for a third, you’re crazy!

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 6:19 pm

  29. Robotnik wrote,

    My Vagina smoked a Pall Mall to-day.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 6:26 pm

  30. Bob wrote,

    You know ladies, one day these blog entries are going to come back and haunt you all. Yup. Y’all will be late 30s to early 40s, divorced, horny as a cheetah on a waffle iron, and looking for some internet love. But then some dude is gonna come across this and require proof of Vagina Rejuvenation Surgery before he ponies up a coach class ticket to fly you out to his apartment for a weekend of really disappointing love. I’m just saying.

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 10:30 pm

  31. Justin'sMommy wrote,

    I was induced exactly a week early and my kid was 9lb 9oz. Natural delivery with LOTS of stiches. Ouch… I gained 75 f’in pounds. Still got 30 more to go 8 months later…..I guess that’s what happens when you eat ice cream 3 times a day and say to yourself “It’s ok because I’m pregnant.” Wrong…

    Comment on 7/11/2005 @ 11:21 pm

  32. Shylah wrote,

    Hey, you remember I had a dream about you birthing a twelve-pound boy right before Ellie was born.. maybe it was a premonition. *gigglesnort*

    Comment on 7/12/2005 @ 3:58 am

  33. Happay` wrote,

    Sometimes you can have a big baby, gain 50 pounds, have a PhD, and lose all the weight. 8 pounds 7 ounce baby - I had to be induced early due to high blood pressure - must have been the donuts I ate to gain the 50 pounds, PhD in chemistry (and yes, I had stitches), and back to my former weight of 138 on a 5 foot 9 inch frame. Don’t you just hate me now? I actually think lugging around a 25 pound 11 month old will do wonders for your arms, back, tummy and legs. I recommend this workout for all new moms. My son turns 1 on Thursday so our kids are pretty much the same age.

    P.S. I’m a new reader and am obsessively enjoying your blog.

    Comment on 7/12/2005 @ 7:33 am

  34. Amy wrote,

    oooOOoooo, you guys are going to be so jealous, but my son was a little over five pounds at birth (he was early). It took all of fifteen minutes to deliver him…. On the downside, I gained about 125 pounds and haven’t been able to take of ounce one of it. I tell my husband that the baby weight came out with the baby. Now I’m working on the twinkie weight.

    Comment on 7/13/2005 @ 4:28 pm

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