The Name Game

June 13th, 2005

I stood in the bathroom in Orlando while my friend Crystal, we shall call her “The Girl Who Loves Mormons” listened to her voice mail. It seems as if the Mormon of her affection just became an uncle.

I don’t remember the child’s middle name but I won’t forget the first name any time soon: Paris.

Yup, they named their baby Paris. First, Paris is a very pretty name. It brings to mind images of sidewalk cafes and little men in berets and mimes. How can you go wrong with a name if it conjures up the image of a mime?

Only problem is that there’s also another famous “Paris.” This Paris conjures up to mind pictures of sex videos, answering cell phones during sex videos and really skanky clothing.

It’s like naming your child Madonna. You just don’t do it. Even now, when I see someone with a decal on their SUV for little Britney, I want to gag. Britney is also on my list of “don’t go there” names.

Sure, we’ve all seen the website about really bad baby names. Some of those names are just bad.

I mean, as much as I love the names Sharmonica and Cenwig, I don’t think I’d name my kids that. I have a hard time imagining a President Cenwig.

However, I wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Rice thought Condoleezza really even had a chance. I’m assuming Condoleezza is combo of two names, but I can’t exactly figure out which two.

Recently, (magician?) Penn Jillette named his daughter “Moxie Crimefighter.” What did he have to say about the unusual name? She can tell cops she’s on their side because she’s a “crimefighter.”

Someone shoot me now.

“Hello Mr. Rapist! Don’t rape me! My name is Suzie UpTheButt.”
“I don’t have to study to get into Harvard. My name is Jennifer Brainiac Jones.”

I know its tempting to pick exciting names. We already have the names for Jizzy picked out. No, I’m not going to tell you. One of my friends was shocked when we told her the girl name because it is the same name as her dog.

Yup, we’re naming our kid “Fido.”

She thinks “Fido” might need a longer name such as “Fidora” so everyone would take her seriously. Perhaps “Fidorlina?” I don’t really think so. If people can name thier kid “Apple” or “Banjo Jones,” then Fido is totally going to make it.

Besides, if Fido ever gets into a fight with a dog, she can look at it and say “Please don’t bite me! My name is Fido! I’m one of your kind.”

43 Comments

  1. julia wrote,

    Condoleeza is from the musical phrase “con dolcezza” which means with sweetness.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 12:49 pm

  2. halloweenlover wrote,

    Don’t laugh, but Paris has always been my favorite name. For years and years, but now that this other certain skanky disgusting paris has emerged, every one of my friends and family have vetoed the name. In fact, my friend said that if I named my daughter paris she would most certainly be giving boys blow jobs in the backs of their cars. Now I will never again be able to remove that image from my mind. So no Paris for me.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 12:59 pm

  3. MollieBee wrote,

    heh. I love mormons too. They fascinate me.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 1:21 pm

  4. KellyH wrote,

    There’s some actor who named his kid- a girl, I think- Pilot Inspektor.

    Some of the funniest names are in the birth announcements section of newspapers. One last week struck me in particular. Not the first name, although it was bad. But the middle name? Y’Quail. What is wrong with people?

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 1:41 pm

  5. perl wrote,

    I know! I know! It’s Fifi, isn’t it? Have you read “Freakonomics” yet? Very interesting stuff in there about names (among other fascinating tidbits).

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 1:46 pm

  6. trine wrote,

    that is hilarious!!! and made me think of the artist Dido.. that too, is just silly…

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 1:53 pm

  7. ieatcrayonz wrote,

    SJ, hate to say it, but “Fidorlina” conjurred images of Federlina.

    Just say no to Britney.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 2:00 pm

  8. Jessica wrote,

    My husband, being the butt he is, wanted to name our son “Jesus” or “Guido”. I gave him the death stare and we went with what I picked, “Jason Michael”. A nice, normal name….until my buddy pointed out that I had named my kid after two murderers from slasher flicks. :-D

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 2:01 pm

  9. h.m. wrote,

    this is all i have to say:
    http://www.newbabynews.net/hospitals/stf33/public/stf33birthannouncement.pl?babyID=h33-440

    oh, and that i know a baby whose middle name is “everlasting”

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 2:33 pm

  10. h.m. wrote,

    this is all i have to say:

    http://www.newbabynews.net/hospitals/stf33/public/stf33birthannouncement.pl?babyID=h33-440

    oh, and i know a baby whose middle name is “everlasting”

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 2:35 pm

  11. Alexia wrote,

    My name actually shows up on that bad baby names cite, but I happen to think Alexia is a very pretty name and no, I did not end up as a character in a Danielle Steele novel. I’m quite the opposite in fact. ;)

    While Paris is a pretty name I agree that Ms. Hilton has somewhat tarnished the image of said name.

    My favorite “bad names” are Female (pronouced fee MAL eh) and Orangejello (pronounced Or ANJ ello).

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 3:04 pm

  12. Di wrote,

    I recently read about Penn naming his daughter that REALLY STUPID NAME and I just shook my head. My high school band director named his daughter “Timpany” - YES, AFTER THE DRUM. I’m sickened.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 3:33 pm

  13. brilly wrote,

    I think if it’s a boy you might call him Max.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 3:41 pm

  14. mrsmogul wrote,

    Susie up the butt. yeah, I knew a Suzie up the Butt once, she was married to John Getsitintheass.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 3:57 pm

  15. Poppy wrote,

    My dad’s middle name is Paris, and I always wanted to use it for one of my kids, until that skank screwed everything up. I’m just glad I procreated in the post-Paris Hilton world.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 4:46 pm

  16. NinaKaye wrote,

    I know of a girl named Amazing Grace. I also heard about a kid named Shithead, prounounced “sha-thead”. It takes all kinds I suppose. Hell, I named my kid after a Cheers/Frasier character and a Fleetwood Mac song. heh

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 6:12 pm

  17. Soirenoir wrote,

    http://inch.stormpages.com

    I can’t say enough about this site. I adore it :) we picked very short names, and didn’t tell *anyone* until the baby came. I even posted a “fake” name on my blog to get my mom off my back.. Who’s name is Howardeena (Yahuh) and who named my sister “Maeve” I got off so easy. :D

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 6:22 pm

  18. clickmom wrote,

    OK, I taught in the Bronx and we had African twins, whose mother came to states shortly before their birth, whose names were pronounced Mah-lay and Fem-ah-lay. When a curious teacher commented on their names and asked if they were African the bewildered mother told her that the children were named by the hospital staff- Male and Female. I am not making this up.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 6:58 pm

  19. Citizen Mom wrote,

    I love the freaky hillbilly/soap opera names of the kids at my son’s preschool. TWO girls named Harley, one named Falyn, and a boy named Zebediah. But they called him Zeb, which made him sound even more freaky.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 7:14 pm

  20. Phoebe wrote,

    The names that some people give thier children astounds me. I work with children and I have therefore been exposed to some very ‘unfortunate’ names.

    For years as a child I hated my name. Children would always make fun of my name and teachers never knew how to pronounce it, so I would have to go to the teacher on the first day of school and tell them what it is so that they would not screw up during the attendance, and then make all the kids laugh with thier bad pronunciations. After “Friends” became popular, my name suddenly became acceptable to those who had never heard it/seen it. Now I smile everytime I am out and I hear a parent call out “Phoebe” to their daughter.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 7:20 pm

  21. Kismet wrote,

    Don’t forget that Michael Jackson also named his son Paris.
    My daughter’s last name is Penn and she ALWAYS wanted to name a daughter Paris and now she feels she can’t. I don’t blame her.
    I remember about 25 years ago ‘Farrah’ was a very popular name also.

    ~K!

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 7:34 pm

  22. Heatheranne wrote,

    Oh lord! I could tell you some stories about some of the fucked up names I see at work. “Heavenly” cracks me up because 1. It’s a fucking adjective, why would you name your child an adjective? And 2. I can assure you that this person is NOT “heavenly”. Then there’s “Princess”. Yep, they named her “Princess”. There’s “Coyote”. WTF? And of course, we can’t forget “Rochelle Hudson” and you guessed it, they call her “Rock”.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 9:33 pm

  23. geo wrote,

    My daughters both have Irish sounding names… fits with the family theme.
    If I ever had a son, I wanted to name him “Thor”. I figure with a name like that he would have to learn to pound the shit out of every bully around - or else. Kind of like the song “A Boy Named Sue” (which was written by Shel Silverstien by the way).

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 9:43 pm

  24. MollieBee wrote,

    Actual posts taken from baby-naming message board regarding most unique names:

    1. “We thought ours was unique….Saphire”

    2. ” A friend named her baby girl Pria.”

    3. ” I met a couple with a baby girl at the pool the other day. Her name was Evianna….like Evian the water. I thought it was pretty. Never heard that one before. ”

    4. ” Our son is going to be Trebor, which is Robert spelled backwards. Robert is my dh so it is different with a special meaning behind it.”

    Oh great, we’ve got a kid with a dumb name spelled incorrectly, a kid with the same name as a PowerBar, and a kid named after bottled water. I’m not even touching the last one. What the fuck is wrong with people?

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 10:23 pm

  25. brilly wrote,

    My daughter goes to school with a girl called Blossom. Her sisters are Precious and Treasure. V scary.

    And what about the family who named their daughter “Fonda” after the Fonda family of actors. Pity their last name is Cox. :-)

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 10:23 pm

  26. debutaunt wrote,

    I knew a girl named Happy Berry, and my cousin was named Bingo. I named my kid after a Lenny Kravitz song in the hopes that one day we will reunite and he will claim his love child.

    I also gave her a standard/normal middle name in case she hates me or if another Zoe decides to be all a big porn star and sucks some guy on an amateur video, and my daughter has to go incognito.

    Comment on 6/13/2005 @ 11:39 pm

  27. janna wrote,

    According to one baby name book, my name is the “sexy” and “hot” version of Jane or Joanna. I’ll take that.

    My life’s goal is to marry a man named Eric so I can name my son “Leif” as in the viking. I’ve also had a crush on boys for the sole reason that their last names start with a W. Wouldn’t it be cool to have JEW as initials? I think so.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 12:33 am

  28. ~Tim wrote,

    I hoped my niece Melody would name her kid Harmony, but she wouldn’t go for that. It’s okay to name your kid Fido, but you should spell it Phi Deaux. (Yeah, I know it’s an old joke….)

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 4:19 am

  29. Mellissa wrote,

    Here’s an Aussie take on this issue - http://www.smh.com.au/yoursay/2003/05/13/index1.html

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 6:59 am

  30. Priscilla wrote,

    My niece’s name is Unique. When I tell people that, they are waiting for her name but Unique is her name! I just tell people that she’s from my hubby’s side not mine!!

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 7:13 am

  31. Jill wrote,

    I used to hate my name because noone else had it. Now I like it for that reason. And it least it’s not a name that noone else has because someone totally made it up. Hello??

    A friend has a relative who’s name is Philip Space. I laugh every time I think of that. I used to know a woman who named her daughter Crystal Clear Waters.

    What some people will do!?.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 7:51 am

  32. Hillbilly Mom wrote,

    I had a student named “Damien Saints.” Sometimes he was bad, and sometimes he was good.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 8:56 am

  33. Cynical wrote,

    You could also try “Winifred” and that gives you a nice easy nickname… fred.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 9:14 am

  34. Hilary wrote,

    Ok, this comment has nothing to do with your post, but I wanted to explain myself. I’ve read your blog for a while and remembered you posting about the “trots.” Recently I’ve started running and am having the same problem. OMG it’s awful. haha Anyway, I thought maybe in your post you had some type of remedy, but I didn’t find one. I may have to quit jogging…..hahaha.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 9:40 am

  35. Hilary wrote,

    Ok, that last comment made no sense. I wanted to explain myself because I searched your blog for “runners trots” lol. I didn’t want you to think I was some crazy phycho. Ok, I think I’m done now. :-)

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 9:41 am

  36. Dawn wrote,

    Two girls I went to high school with were Summer Beeche and Sandy Beeche. Also, really bad were sisters in a town I used to live in named Dandy, Rowdy, and Thumper. They were a doctor’s kids. My Mom also taught three kids named Dakota, Wyoming, and Montana. Guess it was good that she didn’t close her eyes and point to Louisiana, Florida, and Georgia.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 4:55 pm

  37. brilly wrote,

    Priscilla, How do you catch a unique person? You neek up on them. :-)

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 5:58 pm

  38. Heatheranne wrote,

    OK. I just got home from work, and I was talking about fucked up names today (because believe me, working in the medical field…we see them all) and one girl told me about a patient who used to come in named (are you ready for this!!!) CANDACE TETES. And yes, it was pronounced “teets”. Can you imagine growing up being “Candy Teets”?

    Needless to say, I was unable to work for about 15 minutes after I heard that one because I was laughing too hard.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 6:07 pm

  39. Sara wrote,

    I know a woman in her 50’s - Her name is Anita Hart. It’s not that funny, but her maiden name is really good - Anita Dick. I didn’t make this up.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 10:17 pm

  40. caitlin wrote,

    I for one, LOVED my name as a child. I still love it. I always tell people, if I were ever to get a tattoo, I would tattoo my name on myself in a show of undying narcissistic love, because at least I know that after liking my name for 20 years, I’ll probably still like it in another 20…and I can’t say that about anything else in my life. So, feel free to have my name, SJ. I promise your child won’t loathe your decision. LOL. :P

    But failing that, you could always use the name Jonathan Davis (of Korn fame) gave to his second child: PIRATE. no word of a joke.

    Comment on 6/14/2005 @ 11:37 pm

  41. suze wrote,

    there was a guy in my highschool with the name duncan hines. as in the cake mix. poor guy got teased all the time about betty crocker…

    Comment on 6/15/2005 @ 11:12 am

  42. Sarah wrote,

    –There’s some actor who named his kid- a girl, I think- Pilot Inspektor. –
    Yeah, Jason Lee. His kid is a boy though!

    Some of the names are horrible. One of my best friends just had her daughter, and named it Nikohl. Love the name, hate the spelling.

    Comment on 6/19/2005 @ 6:12 pm

  43. E wrote,

    We’ve stuck with three naming rules: cats are named after political figures (i.e. Rabin and Billary) that mattered at the time we got them, dogs are named after whichever novel we choose at the time (i.e. Scout and Boo) and kids are/will be named after streets we have lived on in various cities/countries. Our daughter has a Dutch name that ends in “laan.” But her middle name is a prominent street in Boston. (One block up from Arlington.)

    Comment on 6/20/2005 @ 3:15 am

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