Our little Alfalfa

June 1st, 2005

When my fetus was a hypothetical fetus, meaning it was an egg and a sperm, we referred to it as “To Be Determined.”

It worked well in conversations such as “Man, we better start saving money for when we have to put Ellie and To Be Determined in therapy because we’ve screwed them up so much.”

Now that the child is a nice itty bitty clump of cells in my belly, To Be Determined doesn’t exactly have a nice ring.

I was playing around online tonight, surfing through random blogs and message boards like I always do, you know, to keep it real, when The Hubs looked over my shoulder.

“What is Lima Bean,” he asks.

Besides the obvious answer of “A nasty vegetable,” I explain that a lot of women online nickname their fetuses. Other names include: Sprout, Peanut, Bean, Tid Bit and other “bean” variations such as “Little Bean” and “Sticky Bean” and, most likely, Green Bean. Basically, if it is a legume, it goes!

Obviously, if you read this site for more than two seconds, you can probably guess I’m not a Cutie when it comes to talking about my Fetus. If you want to call your Fetus Pookey Wookie, hey, more power to you!

But me? Nooooo. I referred to Ellie as “the embryo,” “the parasite,” and “the fetus.” Eventually, once we knew I was having a girl, we referred to her as “Ellie.”

I haven’t exactly decided what to call this one yet, so I’ve been referring to it as “Fetus.” I asked The Hubs what I should call my unborn child on this Big Waste of Internet Space and this is what he said.

Jizz Biscuit.

Don’t get me wrong, Jizz Biscuit has a quality ring to it. If someone is trying to pretend that they are me online, I would most likely find Jizz Biscuit and call them out on it.

So, the name is up in the air. I want a name that says “Sense of humor” without saying “I’m the Mom That Gets Naked at the PTA Meetings!”

And, no, we’re not going to call it Our Little Souvenir.


  1. Rachael wrote,

    Jizz Biscuit is super catchy. Call him Jiz Jiz or Jizzy for short. We called Gavin “the accident” or “the pill that didn’t work” mostly he was called baby or blobby or crampy or throwing up. We called him all sorts of things until he became Gavin. At one point we called him Liberty because we thought he was a chick.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 12:06 am

  2. kim wrote,

    I called mine ‘the bump’…that is, until they got to be all-consuming and whale size. Then I just cried.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 12:20 am

  3. Ann wrote,

    I like Jizz Biscuit. If you want to “keep it real”, calling your unborn child “Jizz Biscuit” would do the trick. Also, when he/she (although I think it “works” a little more for “him”) is older, it can be his/her rap or “gansta” name. Li’l Jizz Biscuit and his crew. Li’l Jizz Biscuit and his homies.

    “OMG. You will never guess who I saw at Target”
    “L’i'l Jizz Biscuit and his bitches”
    “Jizzy Bizzy?”
    “Fo Shizzle”

    So, I like Jizz Biscuit. Or Festus the Fetus. Either one. Or whatever you choose will be superb.


    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 12:35 am

  4. sarah wrote,

    jizz biscuit…definately jizz biscuit. anything but legumes.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 12:43 am

  5. Kat wrote,

    Delurking to say I love your blog. I can’t stop laughing. Definitely love the idea of Jizz Biscuit. When he/she starts moving around you can say he/she is “Gettin Jizzy Wid It.”


    Maternity Genes

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 1:30 am

  6. Jessica wrote,

    We called Jason “the Spawn” when he was in my belly. Now I call him “Chinklet”. Why, you ask? Because he’s half-Asian and I’m not very politically correct. :-D

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 2:37 am

  7. Poppy wrote,

    I’m a big fan of The Fetus. That’s what we used for my kid. Most common usage: walking into my neighborhood diner daily and announcing, “The Fetus needs a double cheeseburger!”

    “Jizz Biscuit needs a bicuits!” got a good ring to it, too.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 3:28 am

  8. melanie wrote,

    I actually like Jizz Biscuit. Very original. I called my son “The Alian” and my daughter “The Alian 2″…yes, yes, I know, very original (rolling my eyes). Funny thing? My sons favorite movie is now “Alian”. I can’t make this shit up. Honestly!

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 6:14 am

  9. Lisa wrote,

    LOL — I like the name Jizz Biscuit. It’s an attention grabber. We called all of ours in utero “Cletus”, as in “Cletus the Fetus”.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 7:44 am

  10. Heather wrote,

    I never named my “jizz biscuit”s until I knew the sex. Both girls. But I did refer to the husband and I as the #10. I even signed cards #10. (He being tall and lanky and I being preggers, we looked like the #10 together)

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 8:17 am

  11. Emily wrote,

    Mine fetus has different references depending on who you talk to in my family. My favorite is my dad’s. Since day one of this pregnancy he always calls and asks “How’s barnacle doing?” I love it! Get it, Barnacle?

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 8:24 am

  12. halloweenlover wrote,

    I love jizz biscuit! And I love Kat’s suggestion of saying gettin’ jizzy wid it. Ha!

    hmmmm, how about something disney related if you don’t want to call him your little souvenir. Like grumpy or sneezy or dopey? Or the beast, as in beauty and the beast (if fetus makes you throw up). But I still like jizz biscuit the best.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 8:47 am

  13. Tuesdayef wrote,

    I called my twins shrimps. Not very clever or unusual but still they resembled shrimps.
    How about calling it “oops I did it again” or something even funnier then that.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 8:48 am

  14. Queen of Ass wrote,

    Okay, I totally LOVE Jizz Biscuit. I mean, it has an interesting ring to it, ya know? PLUS? Hello Google!

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 8:53 am

  15. karmajenn wrote,

    Jizz Biscuit…oh, that is definitely a keeper, and gender neutral, too! I’m not a cutie either and have been calling my fetus The Parasite or The Tapeworm at home. Mr. K is less than thrilled. I’m test-driving Cletus the Fetus with him, but the jury’s still out.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 9:38 am

  16. Soirenoir wrote,

    I like Jizz Biscuit. It has.. a flair to it :P

    I always used “The Crotchling” :D

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 10:09 am

  17. Kat wrote,

    How about “My Future Tax Deduction”?

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 10:11 am

  18. Kismet wrote,

    Weird, but undeniably funny, Jizz Biscuit.


    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 10:21 am

  19. Ty wrote,

    Ours was called a chicken mcnugget. During our first ultrasound that’s what it looked like. Little did we know that there was another mcnugget hiding behind it. Can you say shocked???!!!

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 10:41 am

  20. Lujza wrote,

    With our first…it was “the alien child”…cuz during the ultrasound he was facing the “camera” and that’s what he looked like with big dark circles for eyes and a huge head!!!

    The next two….they were just painful.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 10:51 am

  21. Darcie wrote,

    I was just going to suggest Cletus, but looks like that’s done been done. (If you’re going to use the name Cletus, that’s how you’re going to have to talk. As one who was raised in the South, I know these thangs.)

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 11:48 am

  22. debutaunt wrote,

    You can’t call it cletus. A freak ex boyfriend of mine called his dick that.

    I say you should call it Lil’ Tom Cruise for obvious reasons.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 12:19 pm

  23. Ninotchka wrote,

    Jizz Biscuit: OK, now that’s ORIGINAL. I like it.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 12:42 pm

  24. Kristin wrote,

    How ’bout Love Nugget?

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 1:09 pm

  25. Christina wrote,

    I heart Jizz Biscuit! We called Lexie “demon spawn” or “demon seed” and I called Emmie “sister spawn”, “pain in the ass” or “Monkey”. Such fun!

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 1:39 pm

  26. Jessica wrote,

    Oh yeah, I forgot to say that Jizz Biscuit is awesome. Props to your hubby for being so original. :-D

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 2:40 pm

  27. Stacey wrote,

    Parasite was one of my favorites (especially in the first trimester) when I was preggo w/ my son too! I don’t really have a nickname for this pregnancy though, but I think Jizz Biscuit is hilarious!!!

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 3:00 pm

  28. emma wrote,


    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 3:24 pm

  29. coffeegirl wrote,

    Fetus seems so… I dunno… Beavis and Butthead. Maybe it’s because I’m reading it and not actually hearing you say it.

    When I was a few months preggo my doctor once told me my baby was “the size of a jelly bean.” So he was jelly bean until he was born and I saw his weiner and I knew I could actually give him a boy name and not curse myself.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 3:33 pm

  30. Corrie wrote,

    I love Jizz Bscuit, I am refering to my fetus as “Jon’s Birthday Present” as this fetus was made on his birthday.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 3:47 pm

  31. shanntastic wrote,

    We refer to ours mainly as MAH BAYBAAABAHHH! in a southern accent. It also works in a vaudeville Helooooooooooo Baybee! way. That or parasite, blastocyst, clumpie, and my weiner for some inexplicable reason. My hub and I can’t decide on el namo at week 21, so it may really go on for the forseeable future.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 3:58 pm

  32. Tammy/averagemom wrote,

    I don’t think you’ll find better than Jizz Biscuit. I don’t remember what we called the first one, after she was born we called her “grub”. The boy child I called “evil bastard” for the last 2 months of pregnancy. My sister in law calls all newborns “Screaming crotch fruit”. It’s got a certain ring to it.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 4:14 pm

  33. clickmom wrote,

    “It” worked for me all 3 times. Very non-sentimental.

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 5:01 pm

  34. Heatheranne wrote,

    I like “the parasite” because really, that’s what it is. And I’m with clickmom, I called my son “it”. I also called him “the shithead” when he would keep me up all night from kicking, or “this thing”. Instead of “shithead” you could call it “number two.”

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 6:26 pm

  35. louise wrote,

    my second was either “my passenger” or “the occupant”

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 6:59 pm

  36. Laura wrote,

    How bout Baby Batter Betty or Baby Batter Bobby?

    Did you have “Your Pregnancy Week to Week”? I loved how that book always told you which fruit your child resembled each week. Right now, it’s a pomegranite seed, then a grape; next month, a lemon, apple, pear; and finally a watermelon. Ah…good times…good times…

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 7:00 pm

  37. ~Tim wrote,

    I laughed out loud at Jizz Biscuit and you already have several other great suggestions here. I suppose that a Sarcastic Journalist carrying around an Ironic Anchor would be too cute….

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 8:29 pm

  38. Kat wrote,

    I have to say, I’m so laughing at all the funny suggestions here. It just occurred to me that we never even gave a sarcastic petname (or otherwise even acknowledged the existence of a baby in my belly) until a few weeks before she was born. This, because I had had 4 miscarriages and was living in a shitpile of grief and anxiety. I almost couldn’t believe I’d end up with a live bare, let alone joke about it. But we’re trying again… and eventually we’ll get another one that sticks. (I’m fertile like that.) And I think I have a better sense of humor—and the ability to breathe again—about it all now. Sorry to hijack the comments… just wanted to say again I love your blog. Your sense of humor is very refreshing to me now that I’m laughing again.
    Maternity Genes

    Comment on 6/2/2005 @ 11:10 pm

  39. honey bunny wrote,

    jizz! hahah! that’s the funniest word in the history of words. well….maybe not, but I THINK SO!

    last week my fiance said “i can’t wait to make you my wife. that way i can say “HEY! DON’T JIZZ ON MY WIFE!”

    i wet my pants i was laughing so hard.

    i hope the jizz biscuit is doing well.

    Comment on 6/3/2005 @ 10:37 am

  40. warcrygirl wrote,

    Jizz Biscuit…Love It! I don’t remember having any cute nicknames for either of my two but I do remember yelling “Fetus don’t fail me now!” everytime I had to run to the bathroom to pee. I’m in the early stages of a pregnancy scare right now; the condom slid off halfway out during withdrawal. I guess if I am preggers I’ll have to think of a nickname to commemorate his/her conception as I was pretty much done after the second baby.

    Comment on 6/3/2005 @ 12:03 pm

  41. Karli wrote,

    My daughter’s name is Ellie too, so props on that one. She doesn’t eat her poop though, so they don’t have that much in common. Although I’m sure she’d eat the cat poop if I let her. Anyway, I like Jizz Biscuit too. If it ends up being a girl you can call her “Jizzifer.”

    Comment on 6/3/2005 @ 11:29 pm

  42. bighev wrote,

    name him “Paco”

    Comment on 6/4/2005 @ 6:50 pm

  43. Angela wrote,

    I like jizz biscuit, that is hilarious, and totally doesn’t say “gets naked at PTA meetings.”

    We called Ryan “Jackie” while in utero b/c it FELT like he was practicing his Jackie Chan moves in there. Before that, it was “it” or “baby”

    Comment on 6/6/2005 @ 10:09 am

  44. Citizen Mom wrote,

    I called my son “The Tenant.”
    Nice blog!

    Comment on 6/6/2005 @ 5:57 pm

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