Potty Mouth

May 25th, 2005

I had two forms of delusion when I was pregnant. The first was the “My Baby is Going to be Crazy” delusion. I’m not sure what I expected, but I think it had something to do with her biting the heads off bats and drinking chicken blood.

Luckily, my child came out and she has never had contact with bats. She’s happy and smiley and even though she has recently given me an attitude of a 16-year-old girl, she’s still okay.

My second delusion was the “My Baby is Never Going to do That” delusion. I think, out of the two delusions, this one is the worst one to have. WHY? Because, Internet, your baby is going to do that. A lot. Whenever she feels like it.

My life with a baby has survived on routine. Every morning, when Miss E wakes up, I bring her into the living room and give her a bottle in her playpen. While she is drinking, I run back into my room, which is just a hop and a skip (we don’t have room for a jump) away. I keep the door open and can hear when she’s done with the bottle. That way, she gets out of her crib and I get a few extra minutes of sleep.

I could hear her in the babycage this morning, playing with her toys. Eventually she started to get loud, so I walked in to see what was up. What I saw, Internet, falls partly under both of my delusions.

My child was eating poop.

Not only was she eating her poop, but it was everywhere. It took a few minutes, but I realized what happened. She had taken off her diaper and took a dump in the middle of her playpen. The poop was black, thick and had already dried to everything she had come in contact with. She had eaten beets the night before so she had a horrendous dump (third to the prune juice dump, which is second to the lasagne dump) in the middle of the playpen.

She then proceeded to play with it. She smeared it EVERYWHERE. All over her face, her hands, her hair, her toys, blankets (which included MY baby blanket knitted by my great grandmother). Also? It was in her teeth.

Instead of freaking out, I did the complete opposite. I realized that hey, these things happen. In fact, it was kind of funny. So, before I began Operation Dump Cleanup, I took pictures of the damage.

I’m still cleaning up poop. I have a feeling I’m going to find little bits and pieces of poop in that playpen for awhile.

So, Miss E, if this is the future and you are reading this, don’t even try to tell me that your poop doesn’t stink. WHY? Because honey, my house smells like your poop and it doesn’t smell like roses.

58 Comments

  1. Robotnik wrote,

    Ha! Brilliant.
    mine hasn’t done that.
    yet.
    but the 16 year old ‘tude is there.

    also, keep this post handy for when she does turn 16 and gives you shit (pun most definitely intended)

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:30 am

  2. judi wrote,

    Been there-sad to say. It AIN’T fun.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:31 am

  3. Fellow Eskimo wrote,

    I was stuck in a crib when I was her age, I had it all over the walls. Least now I dont feel so guilty.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:33 am

  4. Sharkey wrote,

    So here I am, eating my lunch while I make my usual visits around the blogosphere. Yeah, I’m finding that’s not such a good idea, seeing as how both you and Dooce had entries like this today. And yours complete with pictures–wow!

    Suddenly my hummus doesn’t look as appetizing . . .

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:37 am

  5. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    How the heck does stuff like that happen? It is a small world afterall. I’m glad I listened to those dancing puppets at Disney or I may not believe it.

    Let the hate mail begin. Both our children shat.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:39 am

  6. honey bunny wrote,

    woah. ellie and leta both had “playing with their poop” mornings.

    your dayghter and Dooce’s daughter are destined for greatness! maybe the two of them will meet one day and form a girl group that will take over the world! and i don’t mean with their musical prowess, but with their intellect and charm. that would be RAD!

    how totally bizarre…i love it when two lives parallel each other. it just makes me realize how totally small this world really is.

    ps) i’m glad you’re someone who can clean that up. not me. i’d run so far away you wouldn’t be able to find me!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:40 am

  7. Tuesdayef wrote,

    I have had that happen to me. It called for the “emergency bath” while his twin sister was everywhere doing everything you can do while Mom gives an “emergency bath”

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:48 am

  8. Y wrote,

    None of my children have ever done that. Oh my God, I WILL FREAK OUT and CRY if Gabby does it.

    I think I’m going to throw up now.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:50 am

  9. zeno wrote,

    Oh yes, I know that. I have four but the most poopily artistic was my boy, he has decorated the bathroom, the hall and the stairs a few times with his own paint mix.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:51 am

  10. Chuck wrote,

    Out of our 6 so far only one has done it. But, he did it twice once at home where he drew pictures on the walls. And the other time while in a shopping cart at Wally World. ARGGGGGGG.
    I think Y and are ok on our girls, it is a blond thing. HEhhe

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:53 am

  11. paige wrote,

    holy shit.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:54 am

  12. Darcie wrote,

    That’s a POOTASTROPHY if I’ve ever heard of one!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 11:58 am

  13. Terri wrote,

    All I can say is EWWW EWWW EWWWW!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 12:00 pm

  14. robyn wrote,

    OMG — I read Dooce’s site and then yours just now. That’s it. One’s going to grandma’s stat and the other is immediately after his arrival. I would be hurling. All. Day. Long. *warm safe place, warm safe place*

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 12:12 pm

  15. Ninotchka wrote,

    You and Heather have cursed me. I read her entry with utter disgust this morning and now yours. That’s never happened to me. But watch, this kid in utero is rubbing h/her little hands together maniacally saying:

    “Just you wait, my pretty. BRU HA HA”

    Seriously, every time I say something hasn’t happened to me or that it won’t, it does.

    Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    (smirk)

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 12:26 pm

  16. Susan wrote,

    Oh.

    My.

    God.

    I’m never having children.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 12:33 pm

  17. Crystal wrote,

    OMG, my kids did this more often than I care to admit. Cleaning up poop before you’ve put your contacts in makes for an interesting day.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 12:39 pm

  18. michaela wrote,

    good thinking with the photos! those are going to come in handy one day, i can just feel it! hee hee.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 12:55 pm

  19. Robotnik wrote,

    aha. now you’ll think twice when you say: “eat shit and die.”
    yes?

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 1:25 pm

  20. debutaunt wrote,

    oh man. when I first opened the site I thought… oh how cute. Baby E got into some chocolate.

    Now I just want to hork.

    Mine never did that, but it happened to my younger sister. We now refer to it as the time my nephew had his shit fit.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 1:54 pm

  21. Corrie wrote,

    I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Eww. My dog has eaten poop a gazillion times, never one of the kids. My dad said that I ate poop, but he drinks a lot of beer, so he could be delusional.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 2:00 pm

  22. what a life wrote,

    The pictures are great!! I had the same delusions, but so far my baby is crazy. After reading you and Dooce today, I’m afraid to jinx myself if I say anymore…

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 3:49 pm

  23. jenB wrote,

    i am afraid to comment for fear my little monster will do it too. but wow. pooptacular!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:24 pm

  24. Amalah wrote,

    Dear God,

    I have changed my mind about this whole “parenthood” thing.

    Amen.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:27 pm

  25. perl wrote,

    whoa. That was awesome! My mom likes to tell the story of when I was 5 or so and decided to climb into my baby sister’s crib and “help” change her diaper. Results were apparently similar to Miss E’s spectacular poopfest. Isn’t parenting fun?

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:29 pm

  26. Queen of Ass wrote,

    OH MY GOD. My son never did that. I think I love him even more now….

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:33 pm

  27. d wrote,

    I would just not be able to handle a scene like that, oh god, no, never! Last week my son had a shit in the bathtub and I called his dad in to deal with it. If he happens to have a poop while unattended he will strip, diaper and all. Luckily, and I did not realize how lucky until reading your entry today, he poops hard little poop balls. It has never ocurred to me that before I find him that he may actually eat said poop balls and now i’m wondering since he really loves m&m’s and well, the similarities are just uncanny. It’s one thing to go on a search for crusty little poop balls but to face the fact that the little bugger probably eats them is just too much for me to handle. I need my mommy!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:42 pm

  28. MollieBee wrote,

    Been there, done that. got the T-Shirt.

    My kid poops in the potty now, rather than all over my house. THANK YOU JESUS!!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:43 pm

  29. Sheryl wrote,

    With pictures, eeewwwwww.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:49 pm

  30. The Merry Widow wrote,

    Wow. Now when I call Miss E a poopy-head, you can’t get mad. Those pictures are gonna make GREAT blackmail tools when she gets older.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 4:51 pm

  31. RisibleGirl wrote,

    Ah yes, I remember those days with my youngest. It became a habit, so I had to buy zip up sleepers, cut off the feet, put them on him backward AND after he figured out how to get out of that, I had to safety pin in addition to everything else.

    The determination to paint with poop astounded me.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 5:30 pm

  32. Lujza wrote,

    K, tell me that this was just a joke?!?!? Please…..

    That’s just plain and simply gross!!! But hell of a laugh!

    My first went for his 1 week check-up, they told us to undress him (so we did) and he proceeded (while on the table) to projectile, orange poop fluids from his butt, straight onto the doctor. Perfect aim, I must say!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 5:36 pm

  33. SueFromOhio wrote,

    BAHAHAHAAHAAHA Ya know, this is the second blog I’ve read today about babies pooping everywhere! If I weren’t the mom of 3, I would have probably barfed on the keyboard by now. Thanks for the pictorial…BHAHAHAAAA

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 5:46 pm

  34. Stacey wrote,

    oh my lord. I’m in tears over here from laughing so hard…thank you for this.

    hahahahahaha.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 5:56 pm

  35. KellyH wrote,

    Thank God the internets don’t have smell-o-vision, my 33 weeks pregnant sense of smell wouldn’t be able to take it. It’s bad enough changing my own toddler’s diaper these days.

    You and Dooce have done me in today! I’m sorry you both had to go through this, but it sure makes for good blogging.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 6:21 pm

  36. Lessa wrote,

    HAHAHAHAHAH!

    My kids didn’t do it, but my nephew did, much to my sister’s mortification. She was even MORE mortified when we referred to bug as the “Poo-Poo-Picasso” of the family for his painterly skills. hehehehehehe

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 6:40 pm

  37. Jessica wrote,

    I know I should be disgusted, but that is too damned funny…until it happens to me anyways. :-D

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 7:04 pm

  38. Michael wrote,

    My oldest did that when we were in Korea. The (ex)wife had her own version of the “shit fit”, but I just laughed and gave him a bath. Thanks for the laugh and reminder!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 7:04 pm

  39. Julie wrote,

    Holy Mary Mother of God, that is probably the most disgusting thing I have seen in a long time!! LOL… I hope Em never ever learns that neat trick!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 7:29 pm

  40. Di wrote,

    You just made my ovaries get up and walk right out of my body.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 8:37 pm

  41. mushster wrote,

    Ugggh, I thought it was chocolate at first too. The worst ‘paint’ job mine ever did was with three tubes of full toothpaste. The house smelled minty for a week. So just when I’m loathing having a 16 year old with the ‘tude and a boyfriend, I’m liking her a lot better after seeing this lol.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 8:38 pm

  42. Tracy wrote,

    Ha! I was wondering how long it would be before you got the doodie eatting or Poop artwork done for you. It’s so funny … the first time. The next 10 to 20? well, gets to be quite annoying. Just think to yourself when you do get bothered by it that she won’t be doing this when she’s in school. Hannah has finally stopped it … for now. But, I did say that once before then I got another present after a nap time one day. =)

    Love the pics though. I was crying so hard from laughter knowing the feeling you had when you saw that for the first time. Confusion then it setting in your head exactly what it was right before the smell hit your nose. Yup, I have a feeling Sarah will be doing the same thing here in about a year. Fun fun fun. >.<

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 8:52 pm

  43. Crystal wrote,

    I started thinking back to those (not so distant) days, and remembered that one friend (who had 5 kids including a set of twins) suggested a strip of duct tape on the night time diaper. She was completely serious, since my son was like one of her children, and this was becoming a daily thing. Keep that in mind, because some kids just LOVE to show their creative side.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 9:16 pm

  44. jenB wrote,

    poo poo picaso. haha! thanks for that.

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 10:13 pm

  45. ten33girl wrote,

    omg…I am not alone! my son (now 3) did this ALOT. We use to be on “poop-watch” 24/7. Trust me, you’ll be finding little surprises in that play pen for weeks!

    Comment on 5/25/2005 @ 10:23 pm

  46. Cindy wrote,

    I had to call my husband in for this one…that is awesome.

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 2:13 am

  47. Cristina wrote,

    Both of my kids of have done this one. The older one did it once at that was it. The younger one was a different story. She would do it every day, and this lasted for about two months. She would just slide out of her clothes and take her diaper off in her crib. We did everything we could to stop it and nothing worked. We would put her in layers and layers of clothes, but she would slip out of them. We would tape her diaper together. We would listen to the baby mointer for any signs that a diaper was taken off. The thing that finally seemed to work was putting the kid in two sleeper sets with the first going on normally and the second going on backward so that she couldn’t reach the buttons. They also had to be a bit tighter than her normal clothes so that she wouldn’t slip out of them. I pray that was a one time thing for you.

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 5:07 am

  48. melanie wrote,

    OMG!! I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile. Honey, I SO KNOW where you’re coming from. Been there and done that! I just wish I’d been genius enough to take pictures of it. I would have been gagging my ass off trying to clean all that poop up!! You are on your way to super soccer momdom. YAYYY!!!

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 9:16 am

  49. mrtl wrote,

    Would it be child abuse to duct tape the diaper on? I’ll be looking into that. This scenario horrifies me.

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 10:30 am

  50. Tracy wrote,

    Problem with duct tape it the fact it can’t expand and contract. Maybe some heavy duty bandage tapes might do the same thing for you. Ones that do strech. My mother gave up (20+ years ago) and used duct tape on my brother for a week. He painted his whole crib along with parts of two walls one night as we all slept. Took half the day to clean. My daughter, I never used it on. But I tell you what. After so many times of it happening, I started to think hard about it. She just ended up sticking her hand down her diaper anyhow and leaving it on when she finaly understood we didn’t want her to take her diaper off. They just find another way around it. I ended up having her wear overalls or one pieces she had yet learned how to take off untill she grew out of the stage .. or forgot about it. That worked just fine. Just have to be one step ahead of them is all.

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 10:41 am

  51. halloweenlover wrote,

    I screamed out loud and fell on the floor laughing at that picture. I CANNOT BELIEVE that you stayed calm enough to snap some pictures. I am DYING over here. DYING!!!

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 12:22 pm

  52. Kate wrote,

    I believe this might be your most popular post yet!
    Poor Ellie.
    : - )

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 2:42 pm

  53. bret wrote,

    dooce had the same problem yesterday

    what the hell are u feeding your kids???

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 5:31 pm

  54. jessca wrote,

    Oh. My. God. Shuddering at the horrible memories. I don’t have kids, but 10 years ago when I was babysitting, this happened to me too. I had put the baby in her playpen, then I made lunch for her 2 older brothers, telling myself that since I could hear her from the kitchen, she must be safe in the playpen, right?? Then after sitting the boys down at the kitchen table for lunch, I ran to the bathroom to pee. Well, somewhere between my serving lunch and peeing, baby-precious pooped the mother-of-all-poops, then whipped off her diaper and proceeded to smear the poop over the entire playpen, all her toys, and yes, her FACE AND MOUTH. I felt so horrible, and so guilty, that I had allowed this to happen. I had completely neglected her!!! But since then I’ve come to realize, keeping her with me in the kitchen while I made lunch probably would have been more dangerous, what with the hot stove and sharp knives and multitude of cupboards full of poison, and when you think about it, are we really supposed to go all day without peeing?? I realized we really can’t keep our children in sight at all times, and the SECOND you take yours eyes off them, that’s when they start the poop-smearing. And I realized, 15 months is a dangerous, dangerous age, poop-wise. I may not decide to have children of my own until the poop memories subside.

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 7:01 pm

  55. chris wrote,

    i swear to god i can smell that in my living room!

    Comment on 5/26/2005 @ 7:09 pm

  56. Kris wrote,

    Oh my f’en GOD! I’ve seen poop explosions but the eating! OH MY GOD!

    Comment on 5/27/2005 @ 3:42 pm

  57. Ashley wrote,

    Didn’t have that problem, I can honestly say. But the comments are even funnier to read than the original post!

    Comment on 5/30/2005 @ 7:47 pm

  58. Rachael wrote,

    I am dry heaving. Seriously poop is the worst smell form e. I can deal with almost everything but when I smell poop I just lose it.

    Comment on 5/31/2005 @ 10:21 pm

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