March 14th, 2005

Dear women in the Oprah audience,

I’d first like to say hello since anytime Oprah says “hello” to you,
you start screaming like a gaggle of wild banshees. You make it seem
as if your life, including marriage, baby making and jobs, has meant
nothing up until this point when Oprah walked down a hallway and said “hello” to you. The screaming is mildly annoying but even more so is the fact that Oprah likes to reply “I’m just doing my job. I should come to your work and cheer for you.”

How can you feel like your life is so trivial? What about that drunken
night with that frat guy back in 1996, when you downed Jello Shots and he took your virginity on his roommate’s futon? Doesn’t your virginity mean anything to you?

How about the time you got to send your first family newsletter? Or
the first time you bought a minivan?

Obviously, these moments mean nothing when the possibility of a free
CD from some obscure artist is presented. “Oh look! I’ve never heard
of this guy but it’s a free CD! Forget the day my child was born!
Bring on the tunes!”

What you don’t realize is that Oprah is generous now, giving away free purple purses and making your wildest dreams come true, but she is not always this way. No. This is “Skinny Oprah.” Don’t you remember Fat Oprah? The one who wanted you to donate to the Angel Network? Fat
Oprah does not give out free jackets. Fat Oprah takes and takes and
shows pictures of orphans so you’ll take money away from your Botox
fund to build them a school.

She’s a yo-yo dieter, women in the Oprah audience. She may be skinny
now, but who knows when the next beef lawsuit will occur and she’ll
resort to downing cherry pies? So, go ahead and scream. But, remember: You never know if today is the day she jumps off the diet bandwagon.

Your friend,
The Sarcastic Journalist


  1. anonymous lurker wrote,

    Hmmm… I think Oprah has had her AHA! moment and won’t be going back to being fat anymore. Her lifestyle changed!

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 11:09 am

  2. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    Well then I should go to the show! More presents!

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 11:10 am

  3. Di wrote,

    The women in her audience ARE rather annoying, aren’t they?

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 12:14 pm

  4. F. Francis wrote,

    Sooooooo…I get what you’re saying - but I don’t think it’s fair to assume the woman in the audience is a total moron who thinks getting a free CD from Oprah cancels out the birth of her child.

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 12:48 pm

  5. susanne wrote,

    u are totally nuts…..but in a good way:P if there is a good way to be nuts in that is…..anyways I like ´reading your blog but I’m one of those blog lurkers who hardly ever writes a comment.*keep smiling*

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 12:49 pm

  6. murrye wrote,

    love your sense of humor! thanks for stopping by my blog the other day and the good advice on blogging about work.
    at least i haven’t jumped on the oprah bandwagon.

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 12:56 pm

  7. Sarcastic Journalist wrote,

    F, you are right. The free CD probably cancels out the birth of the second child. I mean, been there, done that…right?

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 1:40 pm

  8. ChickenFlicken wrote,

    Girl, you FUNNY.

    And I don’t like Oprah. Because I know you were wondering.

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 1:56 pm

  9. Y wrote,


    Oprah is NOT generous. Her sponsers are. Fuck Oprah.

    This is a lady who had to televise herself getting her ears pierced because she was THAT SCARED of it.

    Listen, bitch, I’ve shat out three babies, all over 7 pounds. That’s seven pounds of skull, bones and fat that came out of my itty bitty TWAT and you didn’t see me acting like a big fucking attention whore about it, now did you?

    WHOA. What the hell was this post even about again, I got so pissed at Oprah, I forgot…

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 2:01 pm

  10. F. Francis wrote,

    Oh it cancels out the birth of the second child for sure! :)

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 2:02 pm

  11. Kelly wrote,

    I lost mad respect for O when she was scared shitless about the whole ears pierced thing. Give me a freakin break!

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 2:38 pm

  12. Tammy wrote,

    Did you see the one where a woman PASSES out? I’ve NEVER been that excited. Not even during sex. Especially not during sex.

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 5:27 pm

  13. Crystal wrote,

    Man, I need to start watching Oprah, just for the maniacal screaming and stuff!

    Comment on 3/14/2005 @ 10:14 pm

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