Dear Oprah…

November 10th, 2004

Dear Oprah:

I know that you’re doing this “Before and After Natural Makeover” thing today. So you have these people and you show a before picture and then they eat salad while standing on one leg before rubbing organic mustard all over their crotch and Bam! Ten years younger!

The problem with this is that in the after photos, these people have professional makeup on. I’m talking about that pancake stuff they put on your face– these women have so much foundation on that I can’t see skin. But you’re talking about how great they look after rubbing that organic mustard on their crotches and your little groupies are all screaming and clapping like wild geese on crack.

What is going on? I can’t see the difference! All I can see are smiling “after” pictures, colored hair and LOTS of makeup! You can’t do that and expect for me to put cod liver oil up my poohole unless I see an actual difference that doesn’t involve makeup.

I’m sorry, but you didn’t win me over on this one. I may use your magazine for party planning tips, but I’m not going to stick that cucumber THERE if you get my drift. Especially for the healing capillary purposes.

Signed, your friend,
The Sarcastic Journalist


  1. Erin wrote,

    I’m with you… was thinking the same thing while I was watching. It was all a load of hooey… one big load of hooey after another. My favorite was the guy hawking the anti-inflammatory foods diet. WTF?

    Comment on 11/10/2004 @ 6:41 pm

  2. Allison wrote,

    “wild geese on crack”

    good one.

    Comment on 11/10/2004 @ 6:44 pm

  3. Rbelle wrote,

    Looked like crap to me. They are all just clapping so they might get a free car.

    Comment on 11/10/2004 @ 8:27 pm

  4. Robotnik wrote,

    …and yet you still watch.

    Comment on 11/10/2004 @ 9:19 pm

  5. Caitlin wrote,

    LOL, mustard-crotch. Totally brightened my day.

    Comment on 11/14/2004 @ 8:22 pm

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