We all know what they say about good intentions…

Last night, as I was sitting on the toilet (as usual), I all of a sudden felt very sad. I was thinking about now and how very different things are from this time last year.

The hubs was fast asleep in bed and all I could think about was how different things were. This time last year, I had a job that I still mostly liked, a house that I absolutely adored, money to spend…

And here it was, after midnight and I am now sitting on a leaky toilet in the only ghetto apartment in this nice town, knowing damn well I didn’t have anything to do the next day because not only am I unemployed, I am also pregnant.

And I felt very sad.

And I wondered whose life this was. And why I had to feel so sad.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get a job. What if they find out how my last job ended? Yeah, they’ll hire me for THAT one, even though the FuckTards at the old place couldn’t take any criticism. I wonder if I do get a job if I’ll like it.

I miss having money, the type of money we did have and could spend and now can’t spend.

I already miss “alone time” with my husband, even though the baby hasn’t gotten here yet. Perhaps it is the family members who feel the need to come and visit even when I really don’t want them to. Perhaps its knowing that soon it won’t be just the two of us anymore and that there’s gonna be this baby here and its going to be in the way.

Perhaps it is knowing that while I feel completely shitty and uncomfortable, the only way to not feel completely shitty and uncomfortable is to have this baby, go through immense pain and then not be alone anymore.

And I’m tired of people saying “Oh, we’ll you’ll be busy once the baby comes.” I just want to tell them to fuck off. Seriously.

Maybe I don’t want to be busy, mmkay?

My Mom’s on her way here right now. I don’t want her here. I don’t want ANYONE here. I just want to be left alone with the hubs and have my baby alone and its not going to happen anymore because everyone thinks that they must come and worship the baby at the alter of SJ, even though SJ doesn’t want them to do so.

When did what I want go out the window?

I must be a horrible child because every time I think of my Mom coming, I just think of reasons she may want to go drive the 40 minutes to my grandparents house and stay there.

And why must people ask me if I’m breastfeeding? I have never ever asked anyone that in my entire life. It’s none of their business how this child gets fed. I don’t want to discuss it with you. If I did, then I would have already brought it up. Instead, all these people manage to do is bring up even more anxiety in me and make me really not like them very much.

And when they do things, such as a certain person did, such as bring it up at Target and then not lay off the subject even when I said that I didn’t want to talk about it with them, well, it makes me not very happy and it makes me want to ban you from coming near me again.

And saying, while I’m standing near a slide that maybe I should go near the slide (it was a covered one and the slidee would come out a hole at the bottom) so maybe Ellie will get the hint, well, I don’t like that either.

All that these “good intentions” do is make me feel more horrible about the situation at hand.

All I have are these stretch marks that are just going to continue to get worse and no baby. Even though I get “to look forward” to this baby, I also get to “look forward” to people coming around and infringing on my personal space. Unfortunately, after living Back Yonder for two years, I’ve gotten used to being alone.

And being subjected to all these people coming around at a time when my body is doing nasty things, well, I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.

I can’t wait until the postpartum hormones arrive.

12 Comments

  1. I read your blog every day and wait with anticipation for your big event. Your anguish really comes through (esp. in this post) and, while I have no confidence that my words can relieve any of it, I hope I can help a little.
    Please be reminded that you are in the throes of a huge event, that affects every element of your being - physical, mental, hormonal, emotional. I know, you don’t need me to remind you of that. However, when you are hugely pregnant, and in a new place, and in the middle of the summer, and with all the changes you have been through (job loss, relocation, etc.), all this is going to combine to take a major toll on you.
    But I want to assure you, as much as anyone can, that you are going to come through this and be ok. In fact, you are going to be more than ok - you are going to fall in love in a way you never have before. You know how all those mothers of newborns gush and coo about how perfect their baby is and how much they love it? Well, they ALL felt the way you do now. We all did. But through the birth process (and through the relief of being no-longer-pregnant), something happens. I can’t describe it - it won’t be believable to you now. I can only promise that it will happen. And you will turn a corner, and most of this stuff that is so all-consuming now, will be faint memories. And it’s not just that you will ‘be busy’ with the baby (which doesn’t sound very satisfying), but you will be forming a relationship with a new person, one which will fascinate and captivate you when it happens, and for years and years to come.
    Try, as much as you can, to be patient. It may be that Ellie needs a few extra days for various parts of her to develop and become fully ready. I know that each extra 24 hours seems like an eternity to you now, but it may be what is needed, and you wouldn’t want to rush her if she isn’t quite ready to come. On the other hand, my second child was a week or two late and I was convinced to try the old “Polish induction’ method which was recommended to me (having sex with your husband) -it wasn’t very erotic, but we fell asleep and I woke up at 1am in hard labor, had the baby by 9 the next morning. So that might be worth a try…. (Note - I was totally paranoid that the nurses and doctor at the hospital would know what we did, but nothing was ever said!)
    Also, I apologize for all the women who ask you about breastfeeding. I’ve asked people that myself and never realized it was offensive. I think that somehow women see it as common ground, and therefore an acceptable question. I will reconsider asking that in the future. But I also know that statistically, only 20% of women do breastfeed for more than the first 3 weeks, and it is one of the biggest gifts you can give your baby. So women like me, who are so positive about it, sometimes try to lobby for it a little (and rebut all those baby-formula ads that you see). And finally, I know that for me, it was an incredibly positive experience (with both children) and I guess we just want to pass it on in a little female-to-female sharing. Sorry that it upsets you so much. But maybe that will help you understand the motivation of the asker a little more.
    Good luck with your labor and delivery, and welcome to the world, little Ellie (whenever her birthday is). I hope you can take a digital picture and post it. I’m sure she will be beautiful.

    Comment by Amy — 7/6/2004 @ 8:44 pm

  2. I don’t have kids yet (except by proxy - my boyfriend’s kids). So I can see the side of it you’re going through now, at least to an extent. I don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant in Texas in July, and I won’t pretend. But I can understand the fear of having Ellie and “getting on” with the rest of your life. Your life has gone through some major changes already, and is going to go through more. It’s gotta be very stressful. But you will get through this. You’ve survived everything that life’s thrown at you this far, you’ll survive this part as well. And I think that when Ellie gets here, you’re going to remember why you wanted a kid in the first place. :)

    And I completely empathize about the breastfeeding question. I wouldn’t want people asking about any activities going on with my tits, either.

    If youy need to vent, you can always email me.

    Comment by Julie — 7/6/2004 @ 8:50 pm

  3. Hun, I know how you feel. I was in the same kind of situation right after we bought our house, hubs found out the next day that he was being laid off. Anyway I know how you HATE when people say yeah well so & so…so I am not going to. But let me say that it always does and will work out. Hell if I made it through with my 2 starting so young, you 3 are going to do just fine.
    Remember that after she comes, try to get away with the hubs like once a week, even if it is for a quiet walk or something. Don’t forget about the “you” time! Once she is here, your outlook will change, and if you ever need to talk email me! I have been there before!

    Comment by Nicole — 7/7/2004 @ 12:32 am

  4. Hey SJ,

    I just want to give you a big hug.

    Kellie

    Comment by Kellie — 7/7/2004 @ 1:32 am

  5. At least you can blame your post-pregnancy rants on hormones. The hormone excuse only lasts awhile though before people catch on. The only thing I can say, after going through this for the first time last year, is that it does get better. At least the baby part. Best wishes!

    Comment by Daisyhead — 7/7/2004 @ 4:23 am

  6. It’ll be good, in a different way. (atleast that’s what I hear) If not I’m sticking this kid in a box and marking it “return to sender”

    I hope she comes soon for you hun.

    And Daisy, I figure I use the hormone excuse until she’s 17 ;)
    Girls ARE different after all.

    Comment by Stacey — 7/7/2004 @ 9:18 am

  7. “Change is the only constant in one’s life.”

    It sucks, is anxiety provoking, difficult, and sad, but it is true. Try to learn and adapt to be accepting of this.

    As far as the family and friends are concerned, don’t be afraid to set boundaries. A simple “no, thank you” will do…no explanation, no nothing.

    However, SJ, also don’t be afraid to let a few select people help you after you come home from the hospital. You WILL need it…for sleep and for sanity.

    Just a little “motherly” advice for ya.

    Comment by Surfie — 7/7/2004 @ 9:27 am

  8. One more thing, you’re going to be just fine. You’ll struggle through this and become a much stronger person as a result and also find out a little more about yourself.

    ***firm handshake with a wink*** (since you’re not the huggy type)

    Comment by Surfie — 7/7/2004 @ 9:33 am

  9. Although I’ve only just started my pregnancy, I was laid off (for the 4th time in 3 years) 2 years ago. I went through bad lows of not feeling worthy as a person, as a woman, and as a wife. I’ve been working on starting a new business so that I can afford to stay home, but I’m most excited about my new career as a mom. They say that it’s the hardest and most rewarding job you can have.

    I can understand some of what you’re going through. We’re growing up into responsible adults, and it’s scary to think that we aren’t just going to take care of ourselves. We can’t act like selfish college students because someone else is relying on us. That’s scary as hell.

    People with good intentions have already gotten on my last nerve. The dads with their advice really get to me. I just try to ignore them and seethe quietly.

    Good luck with your labor! I’ll think good thoughts for you…

    Comment by pink lotus — 7/7/2004 @ 2:37 pm

  10. If it’s any consolation, you are about to start on the greatest journey in your life. Pretty soon you’ll be feeling the greatest love you’ve ever felt, and it’ll be given back to you 100 fold.

    Of course, there will be a lot of poop. But it will be the cutest poop you’ve ever seen. Unless it gets under your fingernails…then that’s just yucky.

    Hang in there.

    Comment by Auty — 7/7/2004 @ 3:23 pm

  11. I remember feeling similar to how you describe and just not wanting anyone around. I lucked out in that only one friend was there because I’d asked her to be there. I hope you’re able to get your space and make it through this.

    About the breastfeeding thing, no matter what your answer is, no one needs to know that, you’re right. I used to respond to the women who asked me if I was breasfeeding by asking if they douche. Yeah. Offended a coupel people, but most of them got the point. The few stupid men that asked…I just asked them when they jerked off. That was the end of that. Personal questions are personal…it’s a shame people can be so stupid about it.

    Comment by Alicia — 7/7/2004 @ 8:40 pm

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