I got a pee purse and you don’t!

First off, I must tell everyone this important piece of information. If someone you live with, say your spouse, is ill, don’t just ASSUME that he has allergies and then go eat after him and kiss on him.

Cause you know why? It’s not allergies and your ass is gonna wake up at 630 am feeling crappy. I know. I’m there. I’m totally there.

But anyway, I forgot to tell the byproduct of the laproscopic surgery story yesterday. And this story is good on its own. And since I feel like gum on the bottom of your shoe, this would be a good story to tell.

So, after I had my laproscopic surgery last year, I got to sleep all day long in recovery. I was pretty drugged up– it took me 7 hours to eat 3 crackers or something like that. So, anyway, before you’re allowed to leave, you gotta pee.

Well, I didn’t have to pee. So they say “We need to do a catheter.” And I start crying because I did not want a cathater. So they drag my drugged up self down to the bathroom, sit me on the toilet and…nothing. Not one drop.

So, somehow they felt bad about my crying and it was late and they wanted to go home so they sent me packing. I got home, still couldn’t pee. Which is unusual for me because I ALWAYS PEE. I can pee on command. So the hubs gets on the phone with his mom and my Mom, who both suggest all kinds of fun things. Drink water while on toilet. Sit in bathtub. Turn on water while on toilet. Nothing worked.

So I go to sleep and the next morning I decide that I’m gonna start drinking till the cows come home. Not alcohol, mind you. I’m not that crazy. So, I drink like 3 glasses of Gatorade and a large thing of coffee. Nuttin. Not a drop.

So we go on over to the docs office and I get literally 1 drop out. I say “Well, I don’t think I have to go.” But not uh. We’re gonna play shove a tube up my pee hole. So I get to lay on my back, spread eagled while these two black women shine a light on my nether regions. They have accents. Its funny.

They get the tube and they start “threading” it or something. I’m crying. The hubs looks confused. It’s like the never-ending tube. The thing just keeps going and going. Probably coulda hit my nose with that one. Finally they admit they don’t know how to do it. Bring in another doc. She puts it in. The correct way. Which isn’t exactly nice feeling.

So the pee starts. They have this little cup thing. Fills it up. Keeps going and going and going. So I’m sitting here, spread legged with 3 ladies looking at my cooter while pee comes out of a tube. You can hear it go into the pot thingie. Trinkle trinkle. Its all very serene.

Eventually it stops. I’m somewhere between 600-700 ccs of piddle. Yeah, I was to bursting point. Didn’t even know it.

So they fix up my catheter and I get to carry my pee bag purse around. Gotta keep it below the cooter or we got some problemos. It turns into something very fun. i can sit on the couch, drink all kinds of liquids, talk on the phone AND PEE AT THE SAME TIME!

I could use one of those right now. I dont feel like getting up. Where’s a good pee bag when you need one?

2 Responses to “I got a pee purse and you don’t!”

  1. Sarah
    May 21st, 2004 12:36

    Someone just came in and asked why I was hunched over, hand on my crotch, laughing my ass off.

    Your blog is gonna get ME fired!!


    any word?

  2. backgamon
    April 4th, 2005 22:02

    For knowledge is itself power. by backgammon board

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