It literally keeps coming out your ass

I think there should be a law where, if someone is asking for experienced advice on a topic, people should not be able to give their own opinions or what they think they’ve heard on it if they do not have experience themselves.

So on the preggo message board, some people wanted to know about the Mirena IUD. Wanted answers from people who have had it and wanted first hand experience.

So, I tell them the truth. I’ve had the thing before. It hurt like hell. Felt like someone was shoving a butcher knife up my cooter and slicing and dicing me just like Freddy Kruger might. Then I spoke of the “mysterious” pain that lasted for SEVEN MONTHS. The pain on my left side that hurt all the time. The pain that I went and got a CT Scan, Colonoscopy and Laproscopic surgery to figure out. The pain my doctor SWORE “could not be from the IUD.”

In case you’ve never had a CT Scan, it’s where you get to DRINK BARIUM, which tastes like ASS, and then you get to DRINK MORE BARIUM, which then tastes like dirty unwiped ass and then A LITTLE MORE BARIUM which tastes like someone had diarrhea and then squirted it into your mouth. Then you get the squirts. In public. And then, oh, it gets better, they pump your veins full of Iodine. It makes ya get all tingly down in the nether regions, you know?

In case you’ve never had a colonoscopy, you get to #1 drink only clear liquids for a day and then you get to take Fleet PhospoSoda. With sprite. Which tastes like salty sprite. Which tastes like ass. Then you get to crap for 12 hours straight. Not just a crap, but a crap that will get so bad that you have to stay one foot away from a toilet lest you shit your pants. Then you crap all night long and then you get to wake up in the middle of the night and take MORE Fleet Phospo Soda. Then you get to crap more. Except its not crap. It’s the squirts. You will never realize how much poo you have in you until you’ve had a colonoscopy. That means, if someone says “You’re full of shit.” They’re probably right. Then you get nausious because you’ve havent eaten in over a day and you’ve had the squirts all night. Eventually, your poo, which looks like someone is just pouring black coffee out of your ass, turns yellow. Then it looks like you’re crapping mountain dew. But you can go do that in public, which you will have to when you go to get the colonoscopy, because it’s just like taking a leak. Out of your ass. And then someone shoves a tube up your ass.

If you’ve never had laproscopic surgery, they punch a hole in your belly button, fill you up with gas and then stick some contraption up your cooter to move your utreus around. While you’re asleep. Naked on a table. And everyone gets to stare at your beave. Then they poke holes in your abdomen and put a little camera in. Then you look pregnant for a week.

I say this on the board. I say how I had “congestion” in my left half of my abdomen, which meant all my shiznit was all inflamed and stuff. And finally, even though my doc advised against it, I took the IUD out. And the pain went away.

Amazing, eh? yet, someone still has to get on there and tell everyone that she hears its wonderful and that she wants to get it and how magical the IUD is. That it doesnt cause problems. That her doctor has never had someone with a complaint with it. Her doctor probably hasn’t ever had a patient with the damn thing.

It’s like my story, my saying how I bled for 2 weeks straight, the butcher knife cramping afterwards (which she describes as mild or something) isn’t really something people need to know. Like this little piece of plastic is wonderful and could not possibly have side effects.

I hope that the butcher knife that she feels is the size of Montana. And is rusty. Dirty ho. You haven’t had the thing. Don’t go spreadin lies when you don’t know what you are speaking of.

Sure, it works for some. But those people didn’t have a tube shoved up their ass.

8 Comments

  1. Ok, I have had a colonscopy and your description is so acurate that I am having flashbacks.

    That being said, I have the Marina IUD and I have no trouble. No trouble when it was inserted, no trouble with cramping or pain or anything. I have almost no period and I’m not pregnant which is the whole point. (LOL) I also have found my PMS symptoms to be gone.

    However, I am quite certain that as with ANYTHING this could cause trouble and for the dr to keep saying that it’s not the problem is just stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

    Comment by Karen — 5/20/2004 @ 5:54 pm

  2. The receptionist at my company was having the knife jabbing pain you describe. She got her IUD taken out–mysteriously, the pain disappeared. Hmmmmmmmm.

    Comment by Sarah — 5/20/2004 @ 6:23 pm

  3. a friend of mine had an IUD and she ended up having to have a hysterectomy.
    nice eh? in her early 20’s.

    Comment by roxie — 5/20/2004 @ 7:19 pm

  4. You are the funniest human being I have ever known in my entire life. Even though I know you are talking about pain and stuff and I can’t even begin to imagine what you when through…you’re still funny as shit.

    Comment by Allison — 5/20/2004 @ 7:59 pm

  5. I had one and it was painful to have put in but I was incident free after that initial pain (and about a month of spotting)

    So, not discounting your experience but adding my own.

    You’re so funny….you must stop reading the message boards.

    Comment by Melissa — 5/20/2004 @ 9:17 pm

  6. Oh, man… that’s rough. And you’ve really got me LAUGHING SCARED! Your description is funny as hell (and accurate, from what I’ve heard); but since colon cancer is in my family, I know I’m gonna have to go through that shit starting at an unusually early age. *shudder*

    Comment by Princess — 5/20/2004 @ 10:36 pm

  7. I’ve had the tube. And they oh-so-kindly positioned the video monitor in front of my face so that I could watch too. Which I did for about 3 seconds before clamping my eyes shut and repeating silently to myself “this is *not* happening.. this is *not* happening".

    I’ve also had barium. Bleah.

    Comment by Maggie — 5/21/2004 @ 2:40 am

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