Stupid ass stupids

Open letter to the Unemployment Commission:

Dear Assholes,

I filed for my unemployment ONE FUCKING MONTH AGO. Can you count that? ONE FUCKING MONTH. Okay, so you had some woman call me on the phone who seemed unable to talk at a decent volume. I thought I FUCKING UNDERSTOOD what she was saying.

Well, assholes, I called today to politely ask “What the fuck is up with you mothafuckas?” Well, it turns out that YOU’RE NOT GIVING ME UNEMPLOYMENT BECAUSE I WASN’T FILLING OUT SOME STUPID ONLINE FORM EACH WEEK. A form that, obviously, you really didn’t explain to me or OTHERWISE I WOULD BE DOING IT.

So now I’ve broken the law because I didn’t file in the exact moment I was supposed to file. I also have “issues” on my record now, which, I just want to thank you for.

I’m so glad that some stupid ass dumbass gets to make a decision about me, my life, and my personal finances. I’m so glad that I’m watching our bank account go down and down and down EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT GETTING TO SPEND THE FUCKING MONEY ON ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

I hope that you get your ass fired one day. I hope you’re really, really pregnant when they do it to you. I hope then you have to go through the system, but your system is even harder to understand and completely written in Swahilli and that some dumbfuck who doesn’t give a rats ass answers your phone calls.

I hope that you get to fucking worry about what will happen if you don’t get unemployment. I hope nobody takes pity on you. I hope you get anal and genital and oral herpes, that you get a yeast infection in your mouth, grow excessive amounts of body hair that can’t be trimmed with anything less than a weedwhacker, i hope that your AC breaks down on the hottest day of the year and that you live a very terrible life.

Thank you so much for just ruining my day.

Your enemy,
The Sarcastic Journalist


  1. Note to self….
    Stay on Sarcastic Former Journalists good side….

    Comment by David — 5/17/2004 @ 2:51 pm

  2. I’m so sorry! You should be in Texas. TWC is the easiest unemployment system to navigate. Sign up online, one simple phone call every two weeks, and wallah! - you’ve got a check.

    Oops, sorry, I know that doesn’t really make things better for you right now.

    Comment by Linz — 5/17/2004 @ 6:06 pm

  3. Sorry hun, but even here in hell land MN it is just like Linz said. Maybe it is defintely time to leave the no name state there and at least move back to Texas. Trust me things will get better, they always do.

    Put it this way, in ‘01 2 days after we closed on out house we found out that hubs was getting laid off and I got laid off 6 months later. Both laid off, new house, 2 kids, and then both collecting unemployment. And that don’t pay much. 12 months later we were both employed and things went way up.

    That was until I got pissy and got fired. But they always do work out!

    Comment by Nicole — 5/17/2004 @ 8:26 pm

  4. Dude … I seriously think you should mail that to them!

    (Only, it might not be a good idea to sign your real name.)

    Comment by Stacy — 5/17/2004 @ 11:50 pm

  5. I was going to say what Linz said. At least in Texas they make it *really* clear - “We expect you to call in to our craptastic and annoying TeleServe service every 2 weeks. Here is the number. Call for the first time on this day. We’ll tell you when to call back, but it’s every two weeks, so mark your calendar.”

    That just sucks. Gah. Hopefully someone will get a clue and figure it out.

    Comment by Christine — 5/18/2004 @ 3:00 am

  6. “What the fuck is up with you mothafuckas?”

    Hey sweetie, keep talkin like that and baby will have boils on it’s butt! Nasty, Nasty, Nasty…

    Comment by larry — 5/19/2004 @ 4:15 pm

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