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I’ll show you a message board!

The hubs has a new insult for me when he feels like getting my goose. “Hello, message board woman.”

He’s speaking of the dreaded pregnancy message boards over at ivillage.

Any time I ever make some irrational comment about my pregnancy or the fate or well-being of this baby, he pulls out that snarky little comment. I wish those words could turn into real letters (like the ones you see floating on Sesame Street) so I could go and shove them up his butt when he says that again.

Message board this, biatch.

You see, I have a lot of time on my hands now. So sometimes its fun to sit at home and say random off the wall comments about this child, even if I really don’t believe them. It’s just those little comments that come into mind each day that I feel he might find funny. BUT. HE. DOESN’T.

We learned today that I’m losing weight. Good grief. I’m 31 weeks pregnant and losing weight. Perhaps its the fact that I’m hardly eating. You see, it’s 90 degrees outside which means its about 100 degrees in our house. Hot weather makes me not hungry. Add in a belly that is full of fetus and well, I don’t wanna eat shit. So at the YMCA today, the scale had me down for gaining all of 22 pounds total. Two or three weeks ago, I was at like 24.

Whatever.

So today, I actually eat stuff but it’s not really baby friendly stuff. Two cookies and a glass of lemonade for breakfast. More lemonade. More cookies. A cupcake. A banana because I felt guilty. Some chocolate ice cream.

I tell him that I’ve rotted Ellie’s teeth out already. And while we’re on the subject of me being crazy, the reason she’s probably shaking so much in there is because she’s having epileptic seizures from who knows what.

I really am not much of a stickler for “The Rules.” I eat cold cuts, drink caffeine (somewhat moderately), sleep on my back, chew gum and walk, take hot baths and bang on my belly just so we can all feel/see/wonder what the little stinker is doing in there.

People who agonize over their pregnancies make me wanna vomit and throw it at my computer screen, or at the person in real life. Damn, cave women had babies and people smoked and did all kinds of crazy shiznit and you’re wondering about the amount of caffeine in chocolate and whether or not you should be eating Subway?

If anything, you should be worried about your kid turning out to look like Jarod from Subway, which would be a bad thing. Because he’s ugly but you’re not allowed to say you’re kid is ugly so you’d have to say your Jarod baby lookalike isn’t ugly and well, that’s a lie.

5 Responses to “I’ll show you a message board!”

  1. Melissa
    May 8th, 2004 12:24
    1

    I think you meant to end that post with: “Anyone else?”

    ;-)

    The cave woman point is lost on me. SJ, those woman also delivered without ANY MEDICATION!?

    No, No Thank You.

  2. Melissa
    May 8th, 2004 12:25
    2

    Correction: “Those *women* delivered….”

    gah.

  3. Julie
    May 10th, 2004 13:02
    3

    I look at it this way. When my mom was pregnant with me, they told pregnant women that they could have two drinks a day and smoke. So my mom did. Caffeine was not a consideration. So mom drank potfuls of coffee. No one saw a problem with red meat, no one cared about cholesterol, etc. So mom didn’t worry. And I turned out *fine*. Above average, according to all those stupid IQ tests they made me take in school. So there, iVillage board moms! :P

  4. Kim
    May 10th, 2004 14:50
    4

    Cold cuts are now bad for baby?!

    Good grief.

    Highly and utterly ridiculous.

    Go have a Subway sandwich, a Pepsi, and a Twix chaser. (For me, anyway.)

  5. vintage backgammon
    April 4th, 2005 21:58
    5

    vintage backgammon
    Men first feel necessity, then look for utility, next attend to comfort, still later amuse themselves with pleasure, thence grow dissolute in luxury, and finally go mad and waste their substance. by

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