Yearly round-up

I had a big ol’ post prewritten out because this is a very important week. A year ago this week, I got knocked up. Of course, we wouldn’t find out for a few more weeks but it happened this week. Why? NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING.

Here’s a tip for the wise: Do not use it if you are using it not to get pregnant. You will get knocked up.

So instead of going through all the boring mumbo jumbo I wrote down, I’m gonna wrap this year up for you nice and neat. So, without further ado:

The Sarcastic Journalist’s Guide To Pregnancy, Childbirth and Beyond:

1. Try and come up with a good way to tell your baby daddy that you are with child. Calling him up at work and saying “I hate you” isn’t a good story to tell. Not to mention, I now have to explain to people why I told him I hated him as in “What? You didn’t want to get pregnant? You’re a horrible hussy!”

2. Morning sickness. Either you have it or you don’t. If you are like me and have it 24/7 for 17 weeks, you will have no sympathy for people who “got sick” once. My Mom called me while I was pregnant and told me she threw up. I don’t think she liked my reply. If you don’t throw up or if you did only once, you will try and interject that story of how you went to the grocery store and you saw a piece of cheese and felt nausious. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, you stupid horrible person.

3. Don’t tell anyone the baby’s name unless you want them to say nasty comments about the name.

4. Pregnancy sex? Either you have it or you don’t. If you’re like me and fall into the latter category, you will hate the people who do.

5. Stretch marks will show up in the weirdest of places. Like your boobs. And your hips. And leg.

6. When you don’t think it can possibly get any more worse…it will. That last month is a bitch.

7. Pushing a baby out of your cooter can be kinda fun if you get the drugs. Make sure you’re like me and get the drugs that “mess you up” so when they hand that baby to you, the first thing you say is “She looks Asian. Where’s the placenta?”

8. Don’t bury your placenta in the yard.

9. Try to ignore the people who start to say “Hey, you’re starting to walk normal” after your cooter gets stretched out. And remember that the mesh underwear at the hospital are see-through. I seemed to have forgotten this and walked around with my ice-covered goods hanging out.

10. Do not take a mirror and look at the carnage of your vagina. Just don’t. But do make the person who got you into this look at it.

11. You can drink alcohol if you breastfeed. I suggest you start doing so NOW.

12. Your nipples shouldn’t bleed, no matter what THEY tell you.

13. Learn to do 100 things at once. While you’re pregnant, you should practice eating pizza, taking a dump, brushing your teeth and showering at the same time. Learn to blog with one hand.

14. Cut the “trivial” things out. Blogging is important. Brushing your hair is not.

15. If you let the kiddo watch TV, put it on something boring like CNN or Sit and Be Fit. That way, you don’t feel bad about letting her do so because its probably something she doesn’t enjoy.

16. Keep a little of those pain pills your doc prescribed on hand, just in case.

17. Do whatever it takes to get that kid to nap. If it means laying there with a tit hanging out for 30 minutes because that’s what she likes to smell when going to sleep, do it. Use pacifiers, Unisom, alcohol and a circus troupe of flying trapeeze artists if that what it takes.

18. Always remind that person who got you into this about how big around your child’s head was when it came out. That should get you goodies for a little while.

15 Responses to “Yearly round-up”

  1. Jessica
    October 15th, 2004 14:55

    I can’t stop laughing about the first one. I don’t think I told the boyfriend I hated him, but I did tell him that his parents wouldn’t be pleased. They don’t like me much. :-)

  2. Lujza
    October 15th, 2004 16:04

    OMG!!!! I can’t stop laughing…..I should pass this on….too good to keep “hidden”!!

  3. Bree
    October 15th, 2004 16:22

    ROTFL! You told it all so well!

  4. Nicole
    October 15th, 2004 16:29

    Thank you. I know have things to remember for Tuesday!

  5. Robotnik
    October 15th, 2004 16:50

    Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous…and this is coming from a man.
    Totally with you on all of those.
    Except the “looking at the goods” part. Couldn’t do that; otherwise it’d have ruined our sex lives for good.

    Auf auf SJ!

  6. sarah
    October 15th, 2004 17:37

    Marvelous. And accurate. I have had a very similar year.

  7. Auty
    October 16th, 2004 00:47

    “I hate you.” you broke the news that way too, huh? lol

  8. beth
    October 16th, 2004 03:12

    lmao!! good one!!

  9. frozenmojo
    October 16th, 2004 11:36

    #6!!! my god!!! so true - living it right now!

  10. Traci
    October 17th, 2004 12:56

    My last one just turned 2, I STILL remind the SM about number 18.

  11. Sarcomical
    October 17th, 2004 15:43

    #7 just made me snort.

    wow, this whole pregnancy/childbirth things sounds great. where can you sign me up? *snark*

  12. Rbelle
    October 17th, 2004 15:53

    Oh my, that is hysterical! You definately need to write a book. Imagine my husband when I called two weeks after my 6 week check up to tell him I was pregnant…dead silence.

  13. Christine
    October 19th, 2004 00:26

    The cute baby photos caused baby envy. This list changed my mind. Thank you for the reality check.

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