Sit down and shut up!

Filed under: — shenuts @ 4:11 pm

In case you missed today’s Oprah big baby shower:

Bunches of knocked up bitches, jumping up and down. “Holy shit! A diaper genie! Holy shit! A carrier! Holy shit! A onesie!”

I’m glad she’s helping you out and stuff, but good grief, it IS JUST STUFF. Just stuff. You probably won’t use half of it and the rest of it your child will crap on within the first month.

Sit down bitches. I know you’re not that excited about the Tennessee Titans Cheerleaders. How do I know? Because, when you are pregnant, the last thing you wanna do is see some perky little biznitch with perky tits and a waist jumping up and down.

PS– I’m sure that the last thing a woman in labor wants is for Cindy Crawford to be broadcasting from your room while your cooter is getting stretched to “THIS BIG.”


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  1. A-mothafeckin’-men!

    Even I don’t want to see or hear the feckin’ cheerleaders–I hate perky people!

    Comment by Robotnik — 10/11/2004 @ 4:47 pm

  2. What the fuck are you doing watching Oprah?

    Comment by James — 10/11/2004 @ 5:13 pm

  3. But, but, but…EVERYONE knows that you can’t possibly be a GOOD MOM unless you have a Diaper Genie, a fashionable nursing bra, a video camera in every room in the house, a baby monitor, baby Bjorn products, a mountain-trail/jogging stroller, Baby Gap clothes, Nike infant shoes, and GOOD GOD…NOT a WALKER!!! Your children will end up with no teef and bowlegs.

    It’s beyond ridiculous now…seriously. I have a 5yo, a 10yo and I managed without all of the aforementioned bullshit. They are alive, healthy, smart, and really pretty cute, to boot. Frankly, I worried more about the pain they would endure with the NECESSARY shots (and don’t get me started about those health freaks) than all of the scare tactics vomited out of the mouths of greed mongers taking advantage of first-time mothers.

    I say give the great-big middle finger to these capitalist fucks. Your babies will survive without name brands and fancy electronics..trust me and your own instincts.

    **folding up soapbox, now***

    Comment by Surfie — 10/11/2004 @ 5:27 pm

  4. Hey…whatchu doin’ writing about TV?


    Comment by Robotnik — 10/11/2004 @ 6:33 pm

  5. Are you for real telling me that Cindy motherfucking Crawford was in the motherfucking room, cameras and all, for the Oprah show, while some poor sap of a woman was giving birth?! That’s hysterically funny, and what makes it even more so is the fact that the situation made it impossible for the woman to “smack the bitch up.” Excuse the language, but I’m afraid that just called for it.

    Comment by Antonia — 10/11/2004 @ 8:44 pm

  6. Were the cheerleaders there too?

    Comment by Antonia — 10/11/2004 @ 8:49 pm

  7. Diaper Genie?? Is that something new?? I don’t recall a diaper genie product when I had my boys (youngest is 8). (shrugs)

    And will the genie change the stinky diaper for me???

    Comment by Angie — 10/11/2004 @ 11:11 pm

  8. My favorite parts of that show:

    1. Cindy getting CHOKED UP as she stuck the microphone in the face of the woman getting to see her baby for the first time.
    2. That one woman with the glasses they panned to every time a big country star came on who was shrieking and crying like it was the motherfucking Beatles.
    3. The fact that those goddamn cheerleaders actually brought the stuff to those pregnant ladies. Ahem, cheerleaders? Who the fuck is going to CARRY it? They’re pregnant, dipshits.
    4. The shrieking. JESUS GOD THE SHRIEKING. Oh wait, no. I totally HATED that part.
    5. Oprah scaling the wall and actually tipping over. Oh, and the way her helmet didn’t fit her big ol’ head.
    6. The insertion of the “O Baby” logo on almost every damn thing they gave away.
    7. Ben Affleck talking about showering with 640 pregnant women. I don’t even want to think about him showering with ONE woman *shudder*

    heh - I didn’t even watch the whole thing. The shrieking was so annoying I gave up.

    Oh, and Denise Richards, you are gross. You creep me out, and so does your husband. I do not care what you say. Go away, and take your monster eyebrows with you.

    Comment by A Different Angie — 10/11/2004 @ 11:44 pm

    It’s corrupting your brains.

    Comment by Robotnik — 10/12/2004 @ 6:58 am

  10. I had the same thoughts about the Cindy Crawford thing.. but my mind is strange.. I tried to block it out.. not think about it.. omg.. on a beautiful afternoon, I’m watching OPRAH!!!!!! Hehe.. seems I wasn’t the only one huh?

    Comment by Cherise — 10/12/2004 @ 7:15 am

  11. I heard they were all military wives with hubs that were shipped out overseas. I would care less who gave it too me. Free stuff is always good! Aren’t all women that are in Oprah’s audience annoying period?

    Comment by Nicole — 10/12/2004 @ 9:53 am

  12. We had a hand-me-down Diaper Genie, and it was neat. Except I had to empty it and the used diapers come out looking like a gigantic string of pearls. And sometimes our little guy’s crap was just too powerful for the genie. I tried to rub the genie, but was never even granted one wish – much less three.

    Comment by Texas T-bone — 10/12/2004 @ 10:40 am

  13. ever since someone mentioned it in my comments, I laugh my ASS off everytime she gives away things that OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONATED (Because God FORBID Oprah ever pay for anything with her millions and millions…) because, as the person pointed out (maybe it was you?) she repeats the same thing over and over and over again while shes’ giving the stuff away. In a very deep, man voice. That is some funny shit. (ps. what in the hell was Kenny Chesney doing at the baby shower???)

    Her audience, on the other hand, not funny. I want so slap each and everyone of those bitches up. Ok, not the pregnant ones, but every other one in her audience. Like, calm the FUCK down, it’s not JESUS CHRIST. It’s Oprah.

    Comment by yvonne — 10/12/2004 @ 11:04 am

  14. Dear SJ,

    I am beginning to get concerned for your safety, especially in light of all of the Oprah-bashing you’ve been doing. She’s the richest black woman on the planet, dude, and she probably has the secret service scoping out your site RIGHT NOW. I mean, what if she sicks her crazy/annoying audience on you one day as part of her “Nobody disses Oprah” special? You make me laugh, but man, I get scared for you some days. :)

    Comment by Caitlin — 10/12/2004 @ 12:10 pm

  15. I love when one woman calls another: DUDE!
    You know, that adds gravitas–"Dude” does.

    Comment by Robotnik — 10/12/2004 @ 12:22 pm

  16. I could only handle watching half of that show because of all of the damn shrieking, and I agree that the cheerleaders were not a good addition to the show. But I have to admit that my pregnant hormonal ass started weeping when they’d interview the soon-to-be moms whose husbands were in Iraq or the women who’d have to be sent back to Iraq a couple months after having their babies. Sniff, sniff. Those women deserve everything they got. It’s just stuff, but the show pointed out all of the people who are affected by the war. They are to be thanked for their sacrifice.

    Comment by Pink Lotus — 10/12/2004 @ 2:19 pm

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