You have ruined me and for that, I am thankful.

It is seven p.m., and The Hubs and I sit inside an empty pizza parlor. I’m wearing a “fancy” black top with a flowered skirt and he wears his new cords.

“Are you using those witch hazel pads when you go to the bathroom,” he asks as the rain pours down outside. It is a rare night out, Ellie is at my Mom’s house and we’re using the hour to eat dinner without anyone screaming at the table.

“Well, you know, you see, yeah, sometime.”

“You’re not using them?”

“I use them if I have hemorrhoids but not all the time. But– get this– today, I’m sitting on the bed and all of a sudden I think that I have The Rhoids again. So, you know, I go into the bathroom and I have to check and see if I do.”

He begins to smile.

“So, you know, I check in the mirror and there are the ‘rhoids,” I say as I hold up my fingers, “But also, it’s all red like a diaper rash. It really hurts. I mean, no, really, it is this huge area that’s red and itchy and hurting.”

“So what did you do?”

“I put that cream on that my Mom gave me.”

“Ha, you and your Mom use the same butt cream.”

When I met The Hubs, I refused to even admit that I went #2. I told him that I didn’t have to do #2 because girls don’t do that type of thing but finally admitted that perhaps, if I did, the little poops were more like Hershey’s Kisses.

I wouldn’t let him see me pee. No way would I let someone see me in that type of position.

Since then, he has seen me pee myself while vomiting, vomiting in every place possible, having an IUD inserted (and the screaming that came with it), give birth to a 9 pound child, and have two catheters inserted.

I think it should be expected that I’d grow more comfortable in front of my husband. But? Other people? I’ve gone from shy about my body to sharing way too much information with everyone I meet.

A week or two ago, we were at my Mom’s house, eating dinner. After dinner was finished, I stood up in the living room, hunched over the couch. “Sorry,” I said to my stepfather. “My ‘rhoids are acting up.”

He just looked at me, not sure what to say about the rhoids.

I blame it all on The Internet. I sit here, every day, and tell you what’s on my mind. In case you haven’t noticed, bodily functions, body parts and such are all on my mind. What can I say? It is in the gutter.

Even though, when I was a young girl, my Mom gave me “The Book on How Your Girly Parts Work,” I really didn’t believe that anyone else besides me had a downstairs hedge. I’m not sure why I thought that, but I guess it is a preteen/teenage thing to think that yes, you are in fact, a freak of nature.

Let’s just say that I felt a bit better after my first community shower experience. Not only did everyone else have downstairs hedges, they didn’t look like anything in one of those “Men’s Magazines” either.

So, imagine my surprise when, last week, I went to visit my Midwife and it was time for the dreaded “internal.” I had pretty much given up on any time of “grooming” because I just can’t see down there. So large is the belly that when I have to give my weekly pee in a cup, I just put the cup down and aim.

My aim without any line of sight is better than my aim with. Hmm, go figure.

So, the Midwife and the nurse on “Crotch Watch” come into the room and I saddle up. I don’t know what came over me, but I find myself apologizing for the state of things down there.

“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “I kind of gave up on grooming. My husband offered to help but I’m just too lazy, even for that.”

33 Responses to “You have ruined me and for that, I am thankful.”

  1. Laura GF
    January 22nd, 2006 20:41

    I remember going through all kinds of contortions trying to shave while I was pregnant. I think my doctor probably laughed more than a little on the inside when faced with the results ;) Luckily, no ‘rhoids for me — I think they might have put me right over the edge. Hopefully they just go away after LJ is born. Does it happen that way???

  2. Jack's Raging Mommy
    January 22nd, 2006 20:51

    And there I was at nine months with no line of sight and a pair of scissors because I had to at least trim before delivery.

  3. Fellow Eskimo
    January 22nd, 2006 21:33

    I think if a husband knocks you up, he should be required to trim your pubs pre-birth. Just my thought. They should start including that one in the wedding vows.

  4. paige
    January 22nd, 2006 21:41

    I used to run water in the faucet when I peed so he wouldn’t even hear it from the other room. That’s a long way from the delivery room, episiotomy and all, but yeah, it’s worth it.

  5. Valerie
    January 22nd, 2006 21:52

    So understand where you’re coming from….and i’ve never been preggers, but after having back surgery, i understand not being able to SEE there, much less have the gardener come out.

  6. Crystal
    January 22nd, 2006 21:54

    Ok, I’ve GOT to ask. Am I the only one who looked at those books, where the hedges were the size of rose bushes, and thought “There is NO WAY I’m gonna have THAT much hair!”? You know, because in the beginning, there is a managable patch. Now I’m like “Dammit!!!” every time I go to shave.

  7. Y
    January 22nd, 2006 22:06

    I pee when I talk to you on the phone.

  8. Stefanie
    January 22nd, 2006 22:25

    I trimmed before my C-sec but apparently not “enough” because they had to get in there and do some more. Now that’s embarrassing. At least they didn’t do the butt like my waxer does.

  9. Susan
    January 22nd, 2006 22:52

    If you can’t neatly trim the hedge, you can at least be a grungy hippie and roll it into dreads or cornrows or something with character. I’m sure the midwives would get a kick out of if, you know, something new to talk about at the water cooler.

  10. Melanhead
    January 22nd, 2006 22:54

    Cornrow Pubes. I like that.

  11. Susan
    January 22nd, 2006 23:00

    Maybe even a beehive.

  12. Big Thirsty's Wife
    January 22nd, 2006 23:11

    Waxing is the best way to go. I have no pain tolerance what so ever, and I can honestly say it doesn’t hurt. It’s just a little uncomfortable and after your rhoids, how bad can it be? Then you only have to visit the gardener once a month!

  13. jessca
    January 22nd, 2006 23:14

    Meh. I’ve never apologized for being hairy during a pap test or vaginal ultrasound. I don’t feel the need to shave or wax, and I would hope my doctors have more pressing matters to occupy their minds than the status of the hair on my vagina.

  14. Isabel (Izzy)
    January 22nd, 2006 23:32

    Once your husband has seen you give birth, I don’t think there’s much else for one to be embarrassed about. Not that giving birth is embarrassing unto itself but sprouting hemhorroids while you do it, as I did, is pretty humbling. After the baby was born, when I was complaining about them he goes “I knew you were gonna get those. I kinda saw it happen while you were pushing” Jeeeeesus! I could have gone my whole life without ever knowing that particluar detail.

  15. Melissa
    January 22nd, 2006 23:59

    I was so afraid of hemroids when I was pregnate. And I was afraid of him seeing me in the natural state. Now, I don’t care. I had to have lazer surgery on my cervix and it’s so much more humbling than even having a baby.
    I like how you were out to eat and he was thinking of you using the witch hazel pads. Very classy!!! :)

  16. sarah
    January 23rd, 2006 01:24

    Never mind my husband seeing my give birth twice, it’s the two surgeries and the 4500 doctors and nurses that were required afterwards to put me back together and come in twice a day and “check it”. I just love knowing that there are people out there, a lot of people, who know and have seen and have played around with, more of me, than either myself or my husband. It’s just so comforting. HAH!

  17. Karyn
    January 23rd, 2006 04:24

    and after you apologised about the state of your hedge…what, pray tell did your Midwife and crotch watcher say in reply?

  18. Jill
    January 23rd, 2006 09:25

    I got one ‘rhoid when I had my baby, and I named it. hemi was his name, ah we were good buds, until he left me :( It’s been 2 years and I still miss him :(

  19. JenfromBoston
    January 23rd, 2006 10:25

    For my sister’s 1st baby shower, I knew that she was going to get a ton of clothes and blankets all that stuff. So, I made her a basket for stuff for her that only a sister could buy. THe basket included Tucks Medicated pads. Fortunately for her she did not need them (ended up having a c-section).

    For sister #2, I included a tube a Butt Paste ™ because I thought the name was funny (and I heard the stuff is supposed ot be pretty good for the baby be-hind).

    I think my sisters are now afraid of opening gift from me.

  20. Dawn
    January 23rd, 2006 11:09

    I think the only thing that made me blush ( a little) was confessing to my midwife on the 3rd visit into the Hospital that Yes - That was semen she was seeing, since Yes, I had just had sex with my husband, since YES, I was going into labor, dammit.

  21. Laura
    January 23rd, 2006 12:11

    Yes, I still have my rhoids. They love me and plan to stick around forever. It’s been two years and I’m still sporting the rhoids. Yeah for me.

    So, Dawn, the old semen on the cervix trick worked for you? I was two weeks late with my first and we tried long walks, bumpy car rides, Mexican food, evening primrose oil, castor oil, pineapple AND sex…all on the same day…and none of it freaking worked!

    Whatever the state of your cooter, whatever substances happen to be IN your cooter…I’m sure the doctors have seen much worse.

  22. Nancy
    January 23rd, 2006 14:21

    Oh I sooo understand. There is just no way to contort the pregnant body so you can trim the hedge. I’m just repeating my mantra over and over “they’ve seen worse, they’ve seen worse, they’ve seen worse.” And, of course, I am praying that is actually true.

  23. Mignon
    January 23rd, 2006 15:17

    You were wearing your “fancy” black top? I love that, because we all know what extent clothing companies go to to make pregnant women look like decorated circus animals in their “fancy” clothes.

  24. Mama D
    January 23rd, 2006 16:22

    Thank god you sit here and share with the internet everyday. Where would we be without you? We’d be sitting here thinking we were the only ones with ‘rhoids and untrimmed hedges, suffering alone.

  25. Amy
    January 23rd, 2006 17:19

    I have two comments. First, I went and got a bikini wax last week in case I go into labor. My husband told me I am a nut job.

    Second, SJ, you of all people would understand my newfound fascination with the mucus plug. See that is stuff to share with the Internets. It does not get better than the mucus plug.

  26. clickmom
    January 23rd, 2006 17:28

    My little sister tried a do-it-yourself trim during the last trimester and nicked the part you don’t want to be nicked. I think the trimming should be part of the check-up as in “Hey, while you’re down there, take a little off the top!”

  27. gabbi
    January 23rd, 2006 22:49

    Ghad! Your talking about pubes! My man still locks the door when even if he is only having a shower. Meanwhile I can’t have a sitdown without my dogs supervision.

  28. Texas T-bone
    January 25th, 2006 00:15

    Yeah, it’s not so bad to keep the pooptimes to yourself. I’m sure he really doesn’t want to watch that!

  29. Arabella
    January 25th, 2006 08:42

    Thanks for making me smile. I think the Internet has been very positive in making us open up about our bodily functions just a little bit. It makes me feel a little less ridiculous to know that I’m not the only one who has had a perfect stranger with the letters “M.D.” after his name insert a catheter through my cervix to allow for the injection of dye. I mean, really, how am I supposed to go home and have a normal day after that? I can only imagine giving birth…

  30. sanders5
    January 25th, 2006 09:28

    You are getting a bill. I totally have to KILZ the wall behind my computer now.

  31. joy
    January 25th, 2006 15:36

    if your husband’s seen you give birth, there’s a strong chance he has also seen you poo. remember that part when the nurse is wiping your butt, and….

  32. the SmockLady
    January 26th, 2006 11:20

    My hubby’s as bad as the WildOnes about the private times that we need. Why won’t they leave us alone? Oh, I know, they can’t live without us.
    And I too share more info than I should, but mostly as comments on other blogs. Lately I’ve gotten a little loose on my own though. And I suspect it will get better. ;)

  33. Rae
    February 4th, 2006 22:27

    At least your Hub offered to help, mine refused. You crack me up, THANKS!

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