Pickle Me Tender

It seems like every other day, some wise person is telling me what to say or not to say in front of my child.

“Don’t say ‘No!’ She’ll catch on and then one day, she’ll yell no at you all the time.”

Guess what? I said “Don’t” instead of “no” and haha, she says that, instead. It doesn’t matter what one says, your child will pick up on its connotations.

I could yell “PICKLE” every time my child did something “naughty” but then I’d have a 17-month-old child running around, yelling Pickle at people.

I can understand some things such as not letting your toothless child gum on your nose because one day that child will grow fangs and bite your nose and you will have to do everything in your power not to drop kick that baby. Are you a new parent? Well, consider that my advice to you. That and “babies bounce.” Because they do.

I know that I shouldn’t say the “S-word” in front of my child. I also know she says something that sounds a lot like s-h-i-t. But that word also sounds a lot like “shoe.”

So, here’s my hint for you. Never say ANYTHING in front of your child. In fact, never say anything remotely negative towards your child because she will eventually pick up on it and use it back to you.

Never let your child know that you own a nose. In fact, I highly recommend wearing a hockey mask at all times. If you don’t, you will wake up to a child jabbing her finger up your nose until she touches your brain.

Never let your child see you naked. After that, she will automatically assume that your “mommy bits” are for her enjoyment and you might accidentally have someone stick her finger where the sun doesn’t shine.

While we’re at it, don’t let her know that your drink has ice in it or give her a taste of what you’re eating. You’ll never ever, get to eat or drink in a calm manner again.

But, there is one thing you should do. When your child spots her father naked, (okay so all kids don’t have fathers but well, this won’t make sense if I say mother) point to daddy’s weiner and ask what that is.

When she says “puppy,” make sure to clap really loud and say “You’re so smart!”

24 Responses to “Pickle Me Tender”

  1. Jack's Raging Mommy
    December 29th, 2005 21:45

    I’ll let Jack see Joe naked, but now that we’re done with the breastfeeding I won’t even let him see my boobs.
    I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of neurosis behind that. Maybe it was seeing my dad’s ass when I was eight. It scars you.

  2. mrtl
    December 29th, 2005 23:09

    Conjuring images of playdates involving playing with puppies.

  3. Sarah
    December 29th, 2005 23:28

    I agree, we should just be silent. I should have been today when I dropped a saucepan on my foot, suppressed the urge to say ‘fuck’ and said “JESUS!’ instead. Guess what the 2 year old I nanny for entertained herself by singing for 20 minutes when she was alone in her crib at naptime. Whoops.

  4. Crystal
    December 29th, 2005 23:47

    So, to recap, we should box up all children in little cages, with only slots to slide their food through. They should not be exposed to any language, lest they start cursing in Japanese when your MIL visits. Got it!
    Actually, we curse in front of the kids all the time. Every once in a while they will repeat it (Maddie told the hubs “Yeah! You pissing mommy off!!!” I was so proud) but we don’t make a big fuss over it. If they cuss out their teacher in Kindergarten, at least we can revel in the fact that they aren’t sniffing glue and throwing poop at other kids. It could always be worse.

  5. Pauly D
    December 30th, 2005 00:00

    I like to talk in gibberish in front of my nephew when we’re alone in the hopes that someday he’ll start talking and no one will know what language he’s speaking.

    That would be so fun and so sad all at once.

  6. Autumn
    December 30th, 2005 04:18

    Shoot, at least she talks.

    And BOLOGNA regarding what you heard about how you should not say “no” to your kid.

    Kids need to understand “no” and they need to learn to say “no”.

    “No” is disciplin AND self-preservation.

    Teach “no”. It’s a powerful word that needs to be taught and understood and used with gusto.

  7. Shrinking Violet
    December 30th, 2005 10:38

    That is a riot! Don’t say “no” in front of your kid. What a freak.

  8. Spoonleg
    December 30th, 2005 12:02

    Oh, man. I really love puppies.

    That’s all I got.

  9. Curly Girl
    December 30th, 2005 12:22

    it’s been a while since i met a really nice puppy. or any puppy for that matter…

  10. mrsmogul
    December 30th, 2005 13:36

    ARGH! I once saw my mom naked when I was young. I ran into her bathroom and she was putting on her girdle! It was not a sight I want to repeat. About Pickles, I think I will go get some from the fridge!

  11. Dawn
    December 30th, 2005 13:49

    Em took a swing at her father’s urinating penis when she was 14 months. He has never been the same since.

  12. JustLinda
    December 30th, 2005 14:23

    Here’s my hypothesis: she happened to see Daddy in the bathroom in front of the steamy mirror after his shower. He gazed at is manly perfection in the mirror and muttered “Yep, yep… get a load of THAT puppy!”

  13. veg4me
    December 30th, 2005 14:29

    I know of a toddler counting from 1-10 and omitting the 3 because they were so used to their mother threatening “I’m going to count to 3! 1, 2….” Once they learned to talk they just figured it was a number they’d be better off not saying.

  14. wordgirl
    December 30th, 2005 16:11

    Gawd! I could write an entire book about my nephew and this particular subject. My BIL and his wife have never treated their son’s inability to take instruction/correction as anything but proof of his genius. They don’t like to intimate that he’s doing something he shouldn’t and usually his misbehavior is either praised for it’s creativity and originality or (if it’s too bad to ignore) they simply blame it on someone else.

    When they were looking for schools for him, they mentioned to the school that he was disinclined to stop an engaging project simply because a bell rang or the teacher told them it was time to put away art supplies and go to lunch. They felt that bells or demands were brutal ways for him to be pulled away from whatever was holding his attention at the time and they much preferred a system that asked him, personally, if he was READY to move on to the next activity.

    Can you picture it? An entire room of Kindergarten students being required to wait patiently while my nephew considers whether or not he’s GOOD AND DAMNED READY to go to recess?

    Perhaps this is why he’s such an insufferable little shit. It brings out the worst in me and I just want to scream “NO!” at him as loud as I can. But I don’t. Writing about it does help, however.

  15. Debbie
    December 30th, 2005 18:21

    I totally agree with Crystal. If they use the word appropriately, you should be proud. If they used the word supercilious appropriately wouldn’t you be impressed? I don’t want mine throwing around shit or piss unless they know just how to do it. So, I provide a good example. I am such a potty mouth.

  16. Queen Beth
    December 30th, 2005 18:37

    I am laughing hysterically because I have been through the same things! People, mainly my Mom, have said all those things to me and I still do them all and my kids are great. So my four year old says “gosh” alot and my son says “crap” when refering to anything nasty. My husband’s weiner has been dubbed his “peanut” by my 4 year old (her version of p e n i s). I guess in the end, our good intentions are just fine because our kids do turn out ok in the end.

  17. Teresa
    December 30th, 2005 22:12

    Cooper (3) has taken to asking me whenever I feed Alex (3 mos), “Mommy, when Alex eats your boobs, it doesn’t hurt you, right?” I guess I should be glad that he’s concerned for my well-being, and not terrified that he’s gonna’ bust out the concern in public, no?

  18. paula
    December 31st, 2005 00:07

    I had a dear friend who convinced me that I should teach my children all the medically correct terminology for privates, such as vagina and penis. It wasn’t a problem with my daughter, because she talked at a late age, and when she did start talking, she seemed to intuitively understand that it was impolite to talk about her privates in public. Unfortunately, my son talked at an early age, way too early, and had no sense of propriety at all. It wasn’t until I received a phone call from his preschool complaining about his use of the word “penis” that I realized that my dear friend, who had given me this awful advice, was a complete idiot.

    Puppy is a great word for penis. Go for it!

    Happy New Year, SJ! You rock!

  19. Texas T-bone
    December 31st, 2005 10:45

    There’s some truth in watching what you say around the kiddos, because at some stage (try age 3 for mine) they will repeat EVERYTHING. But I think they’ll pick up the words like “no” and “don’t” from the kids at school. Maybe in the locker room, where they all learn about sex. We haven’t let our son discover soda yet, but I have a feeling he’s going to catch on someday.

  20. Vanessa_AR
    December 31st, 2005 13:28

    My niece has a “bunny” and her little brother has a “jackrabbit” which is great when we’re in public and I hear, “Oh, my bunny itches,” or “this carseat tickles my jackrabbit.” Makes me laugh every time!

  21. Stefanie
    December 31st, 2005 13:31

    I’ve taught my daughter that curse words are holy and only to be used when we really need god’s help. Of course I use the word “teach” very loosely since she’s 13 months.

  22. clickmom
    December 31st, 2005 20:09

    Hahaha, can’t wait she tells the next stranger about the puppy in daddies pants!!

    I tried the never say NO thing and my kid said it as soon as he spoke. Then I realized that DUH I said it to the dog 10 times a day.

  23. mama_tulip
    January 1st, 2006 10:52

    If I had read this while pregnant with my first child, she’d be a totally different kid.

  24. jamie
    January 5th, 2006 13:13

    I have a theory about kids and talking. here’s the thing, with the first kids, you’re (and that’s a generic you) all excited about this new kid, sleep deprivation aside, and you teach the kid stuff. Because, OH MY GOODNESS, you have a KID! And you can teach it stuff!

    By the time you realize how badly you’ve screwed yourself, you’ve taught the kid how to talk, and walk, and etc, etc. Then you end up knocked up again. Realizing how you screwed yourself with the first one, you determine not to teach the second one anything ever. Hence turning number two into a drooling baby until the age of 21.

    Unfortunately, number 1 is going to teach number 2 all the same crap that you taught number 1. It’s not good. Not good at all, people.

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