Now Accepting Applications

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always enjoy getting to hang with the people who ‘Knew me when.” You know, the friends from high school who ask about that “web site” and the ones that still refer to you with your maiden name?

The girls that saw you in the community shower several smaller bra sizes ago, the ones whose parents you knew as well as your own?

My high school friends invited me to a Christmas party on Friday night. Eager to get out with all my single gals, I happily obliged. Of course, I brought Ellie and The Hubs for ten minutes so everyone could see her vast array of vocabulary, including the words “Don’t” and “puppy.”

There was wine and beer at this party but I didn’t partake because I don’t like wine and beer. Oh and yeah, that whole “pregnant” thing.

Surprisingly, even though I didn’t have any alcohol in my body, I managed to talk about more ahem, racier topics than everyone else.

Give me an audience and I’ll run with it. Especially if I can talk about my cooter.

Yes, yes. I spoke of The Vagina. I couldn’t help it. You see, I was the ONLY PERSON there that had given birth! No one else knew about the joy of birth! The ‘rhoids! The stiches! The big floppy hot dogs that reside in place of your vagina! The strech marks in places that no one knew you could get stretch marks. (Yes, you CAN get them there and I have a few to prove it.)

If someone brought up their doctor? You can bet I turned the conversation to my OB. Or my vagina. Or boobies. Or someone else’s boobies.

I think my friend’s parents can rest a little easier after hearing me exclaim “My titties are now a size E!” I mean, that’s why they left the room, right? They were so happy to hear about leaky boobies? Sagging, leaking, stretched out boobies?

I’m glad I went to this party, but it got me thinking. What if other people need someone to liven up their parties? What if they need someone that is there just to keep the conversation going? Someone that doesn’t mind making a fool of herself for the sake of entertainment?

That’s how I came up with Rent a Drunk.

Aren’t any social ocassions more fun when there’s a drunk there? What better a way to strike up a conversation with the good looking guy in the corner than to say “Hey! Did you see that chick who stood up on the table and pulled down her pants? I think I’m blind from all the cellulite!”

Perhaps you’ve been living a big lie and told everyone about some crazy family member that doesn’t exist. Perhaps you described her as having lost everything in the Enron fiasco or in a divorce. Need someone to pretend she’s your best friend that is throwing you a bachelorette party in Vegas next weekend? Want everyone to think its going to be WILD?

Dial Rent a Drunk!

You know you want everyone talking at the water cooler about that wild party you had for weeks to come. Who do you think is going to bring up the idea that really, orgies are still TOTALLY in? Not Suzy from accounting, that’s for sure.

But, here’s where the real fun comes in. If the Rent a Drunk can’t get at least one person at the party to admit to an STD (or whatever they’re calling them these days) you get your money back! No, no. That’s not the fun part. The fun part is where the drunk hides her money on her body.

Trust me, it’s not where the sun shines, either.

14 Responses to “Now Accepting Applications”

  1. wordgirl
    December 26th, 2005 10:51

    Wedding receptions are a popular location for the Rend-A-Drunk. Once we were at a reception where a wildly drunk woman went up to an older/”stuffy”/Country Club woman and said, “Hey! I really love your shoes!”.
    And then she promptly threw up on them. Good times!

  2. John
    December 26th, 2005 11:06

    At school, this is what would be a project in the ‘Entrepreneurship and Emerging Enterprises’ major. I think it’s a fabulous idea, and if you are looking for some people to hire as your drunk, look no further.

  3. clickmom
    December 26th, 2005 12:27

    Wow, you really scared those unsuspecting girls! I ususally do the “nod of experience” and then while patting their arm I speak in a hushed tone and tell them to call me in private if they want the real truth. Funny, no one has ever taken me up on my offer. Hmmmmm….

    Also, the rent a drunk, one reason to hire- then you can relax, do what comes naturally and let the rent a drunk be so off the wall that no one looks down their little nose at you the next day.

  4. Janet
    December 26th, 2005 14:31

    Rent a Drunk..what a great idea. Do you think you’d pay double time for the holiday edition?

  5. Mariselle
    December 26th, 2005 14:49

    I am one big gigantic stretch mark….or at least that’s how I feel sometimes…*sigh*.

  6. Dawn
    December 26th, 2005 21:16

    It is those occasions that I announce that the whole “Black Man” penis thing is true…which is why I - white girl of Vermont- got my husband, and why I let him knock me up, lo those 7 years ago.

    That scares the old girlfriends too. Then talk about your vibrator.

  7. Debbie
    December 26th, 2005 21:37

    I would be a great Rent-A-Drunk!! I get funnier and funnier with each drink….cuter too!

    Only if I can get a Rent-A-Hangover to take my spot the next day though.

  8. debutaunt
    December 27th, 2005 08:18

    While you are talking about your vagina, I have now been relegated to talking about cancer. And how great it is to be bald. Then some schmoe wants to know if “the curtains match the drapes now.” I’m like.. you are all wanting to know about my snatch now?? It’s just as much fun as stretch marks. I have some candidates for your Rent A Drunk. You are going to be a kazillionaire!

  9. Karen Rani
    December 27th, 2005 11:09

    Me thinks these poor unsuspecting girls will not have any children! Either that or they will remember your stretch marks fondly as they discover their own.

  10. Bob
    December 27th, 2005 13:20

    Geeze, I had to speed read that entry because I’m so busy busy busy but I caught “rent a drunk vagina” and I thought heck yeah it’s time for another Vegas vacation. Thanks, this is why I read blogs. Anyway I’m really here to plug my new stay at home daddy blog. Hope you chicks dig it.

  11. tracy
    December 27th, 2005 14:11

    your new banner/header/whatever it’s called made me make this weird snort of laughter. it sounded like: pfffftsnrkgggle!

    anyway, i love it ;)

  12. Dad Gone Mad
    December 27th, 2005 14:21

    If the rates are cheaper than porn, I’d like to be your first customer.

  13. Autumn
    December 27th, 2005 22:57

    I’m in, but I’m expensive. A buck and a quarter an hour and I won’t leave until the following week.

  14. Kelli
    January 4th, 2006 20:35

    what IN THE WORLD are the big floppy hot dog things that reside in your vagina? Now I’m scared. :(

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