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The One Where She Gains 100 Pounds

I have a confession to make, Internet. I only eat food that has butter in it. I know. I KNOW. I’m the type of person that normally would say “You’re eating WHAT?” and have been known to mutter that some people should change their diets to control some medical issues going on.

But? These people aren’t pregnant. They also aren’t master bakers.

They aren’t master bakers with a large assortment of butters, sugars and chocolate on hand. They don’t have the world’s best recipe book.

I informed The Hubs that we needed to make a trip to the store to “get a few things.” I didn’t really want to tell him what because it’s kind of like a compulsive shopper saying she’s heading to the mall. For some reason, and I’ll never know quite why, I told him what I planned on getting.

All the things needed to make cherry cobbler.

But, wait, Internet! Wait! See, we have vanilla ice cream. Of course, the reason we have vanilla ice cream is because he had to buy some yesterday so I could make a coke float, but that’s totally off subject. So we have vanilla ice cream and I don’t want it to get all icy and yucky.

I’m doing the ice cream a favor by making cherry cobbler.

Normally, I’d just eat the ice cream with the chocolate chip cookies. But…um…I ate all of them. And the petit fours my Mom bought me?

Well, if I didn’t eat those they were going to GO BAD. There is a commandment in this house and it is that I shall never let a good dessert go bad. So I ate those, too.

But I did not eat the brownies. No. SOMEONE ate the brownies without thinking that his pregnant wife might need the brownies more than he did. Then he has the audacity to go and tell me that perhaps I should go “one night without dessert” because I’m “trying to kill us.”

I’ve only gained 20 pounds so far. And I only have 6.5 weeks left. So who cares if I started out with those last ten pounds I didn’t lose from Ellie’s pregnancy? I mean, come on, “they” say the pounds just melt off with breastfeeding.

Well they lie. They didn’t melt off. So maybe I should have stopped eating all those Oreos. BUT THEY SAID THE POUNDS WOULD MELT OFF AND LOOK AT HOW MUCH YOU CAN EAT WHEN BREASTFEEDING.

Why did “they” lie to me?

If I’m going to gain weight anyway, then I might as well have fun doing it. And my fun involves hot cherry cobbler with vanilla ice cream. But, noooooo. No cobbler for me because I’ve been shamed. Shamed by the man that got me into this situation to begin with. Shamed by the man that has been known to eat an entire tub of icing by himself.

This man is shaming a hungry pregnant woman.

So fine. I’ll starve to death. When this baby is born without a nose and he looks at me and says “What happened?” I’ll point out that the calories needed to make that nose were in the cherry cobbler he shamed me out of.

I hope he can live with himself.

39 Responses to “The One Where She Gains 100 Pounds”

  1. jess
    December 22nd, 2005 21:26
    1

    Damn the hubs - eat the cobbler. Tell him to back away slowly if he ever, ever hopes to see you in non-maternity undergarments again.

  2. Emily G.
    December 22nd, 2005 21:37
    2

    Oh my God, I just almost laughed myself to death. That was what I needed this week. Thank you. You deserve all the cobbler in the world.

  3. Jazzy
    December 22nd, 2005 22:14
    3

    Thanks. Now I want cobbler. I don’t care what kind it is either. But it must be warm and have vanilla ice cream. Dammit!

  4. dillygirl
    December 22nd, 2005 23:09
    4

    Doncha hate it when husbands all of a sudden think they can decide what goes in your mouth? (ooh, that sounded bad)

  5. Annika
    December 22nd, 2005 23:11
    5

    This is terrible! Quick, tell me what you need - I’ll FedEx it.

  6. debutaunt
    December 22nd, 2005 23:16
    6

    MONTHS later. I’m talking nearly a year here… I STILL think about the baked sweet goodness you made and mailed to me. I’m saying MONTHS. Your baked yumminess is stuff of legends. So it is imperative that you eat some for me. I’m sure you can make it a mission, mmkay?

  7. wordgirl
    December 22nd, 2005 23:17
    7

    Shame on Daddy for not wanting his son to have a nose? How selfish is that?

  8. Mir
    December 22nd, 2005 23:51
    8

    Okay, um, FIRST of all, I think your husband should strive to rectify this grievous cruelty with both cobbler AND diamonds.

    Secondly? I’m not pregnant and your description of eating justification sounds eerily familiar. Through in a little bit “Oh LORD, I do not need to have [fill in dessert item here] in my house. I’d better eat all of the [fill in dessert item here] so that it’s gone and I am no longer tempted to eat [fill in dessert item here].”

  9. Mir
    December 22nd, 2005 23:52
    9

    er, THROW. Not THROUGH. I should be sleeping. Clearly.

  10. kim
    December 23rd, 2005 00:27
    10

    Doesn’t he know that getting between a pregnant woman and her craving is a recipe for trouble? He’s taking his life into his own hands! The poor dolts…they don’t even know enough to be scared, do they?

  11. Lynne
    December 23rd, 2005 07:16
    11

    Mmm I’ve never had a cobbler cherry or otherwise but you make it sound soooo good. SJ if your baking is so good maybe you could sell your cakes to a fru fru shop that sells home made goodies (or would that spoil the fun?). I got the yen for fairy cakes, with pink icing and sprinkles the other night, sigh no baking going on over here though.

  12. Leah
    December 23rd, 2005 07:55
    12

    Thanks for a great morning laugh!!!

  13. Erica
    December 23rd, 2005 08:33
    13

    See SJ–you have one argument that trumps all other arguments. You should use this argument each time he disagrees with you. It doesn’t matter the reason! You are giving birth to HIS child. You are pushing that tike out of a place that will cause you unspeakable pain. You are doing this for HIM. I mean seriously, what can a man say to that? Not damn much, I’ll tell you. Cherry cobbler is the very LEAST he can do for you! I LOVE manipulation!!! Manipulation ROCKS!

  14. s
    December 23rd, 2005 08:43
    14

    I’m here to tell you:
    THEY DO LIE!! THEY LIE!! THEY LIE!!
    Weight melting off - TOTAL FABRICATION.

    sigh. Kid #2 is 9 months old and I breast-fed and I’m still 20lbs over AND HOLDING. It took me a year to lose the weight from my first one. (granted, I didn’t exactly try very hard …)
    And, lucky you - you’ve only put on 20lbs (so far -heh heh). I put on -wait for it- FIFTY lb (yeah, FIVE.ZERO.) with BOTH of ‘em.
    Good times.

  15. Dawn
    December 23rd, 2005 09:24
    15

    Eat the cobbler. EAT IT!

    Oh, and Lie #2 - “Your menstral cramps won’t be as bad once you’ve had a baby”

    Another bit of wisdom thought up by some dude sans vagina.

  16. Lisa
    December 23rd, 2005 10:05
    16

    Um, cherry cobbler? That’s not dessert! That’s fruit! You need your servings of fruit everyday so the baby will grow strong and healthy! I’m only 9 weeks pregnant and I know that. My husband has yet to shame me and he never will if he knows what’s good for him. Go eat your cobbler, girl!

  17. dawn
    December 23rd, 2005 10:56
    17

    Merry Christmas SJ! Eat and be merry!

    dawn

  18. Cristina
    December 23rd, 2005 11:14
    18

    I’m sorry. My husbad did the same damn thing to me with child # 1. I wasn’t allowed to have sweets, fast food, or soda the entire time. I waa outta luck because I didn’t drive yet and there were no stores within walking distance. I remember I ordered food from the local sub shop with a 2 liter of coke. I hide the coke behind the couch so that I could enjoy it later. The worst thing about being denied all of the stuff I wanted, I still gained 60 pounds with the kid. At least with the second one I got to eat what I wanted and only gained 18 (28 if you count what I hadn’t lost from the previous one). And the second child is the calmer one of the two. Men can be bastards sometimes.

  19. Julie
    December 23rd, 2005 11:25
    19

    What nerve. When I was pregnant with my first son, I had THE biggest craving for cream cheese icing. So as I throw the tub of icing in the cart at the store, my husand says, “What are you gonna eat that with? Are you gonna make carrot cake” I look at him, like “Are you kidding me, does it really matter?” I reply, “A spoon, what the hell is wrong with you?” He proceeds to tell me how me and the baby don’t need that, and how disgusting it is, and how could I ever eat frosting with a spoon. I start to cry in the store, and put it back, and maybe 10 seconds later, I turn around and run back down the isle and throw MY cream cheese frosting back in the cart. I said, “I’ll only eat a few spoonfuls a day and I really NEED it. It was the last time he ever told me what I could and could not eat. So make your cherry cobbler and eat it and enjoy yourself. You crave it for a reason…and it doesn’t matter what the reason is…you NEED it.

  20. Toni
    December 23rd, 2005 11:49
    20

    The #1 commandment during pregnancy: Thou shall not mess with a pregnant woman and her food (or you will die). I nearly killed my hubby when I got up at 2am to eat some leftover Taco Bell and found that he had eaten it. Let’s just say he learned his lesson!

  21. honey bunny
    December 23rd, 2005 12:12
    21

    hahahahah! you crack me up!

    i have never had cobbler of any kind. i’ll have to try and make it after we move and i have a kitchen that has a GAS STOVE! WOOT! pardon me while i masturbate to the thought of making cobbler on a gas stove.

    *drooooool*

  22. Sarcastic Journalist
    December 23rd, 2005 12:20
    22

    After reading this, he told me that he can’t “stop” me from eating anything and that if I really wanted it, I would have had it. He’s a good guy; would never stop me from eating anything. I think he’s just more worried about HIS waist line than anything.

    Doesn’t he know I’m impressionable? And hormonal?

  23. gabbi
    December 23rd, 2005 12:54
    23

    HA! Whenever my sister explains a delightful twist she’s made to a recipe she says “the secret is MORE BUTTER!” … I think it might be a sin to waste ice cream.
    I hope you, your hubs, and Ellie have a christmas filled with memories, figgy pudding, sugar plums, and a slosh of ‘nog ta-boot!

  24. angelos_mom
    December 23rd, 2005 13:59
    24

    From a first time reader who finds your blog highly amusing… Eat whatever you want because it’s the only time you can do it and feel relatively guilt-free. Also, I gained 65 lbs with my pregnancy, and within 4 months I was back to my normal size - think positively :) Just tell your husband you NEED that food LOL

  25. Jack's Raging Mommy
    December 23rd, 2005 14:52
    25

    This is where I suck up. I don’t know how you weren’t nominated at BoB yet, but you are now.
    Merry Christmas :)

  26. sweetney
    December 23rd, 2005 15:11
    26

    mmmmm….. forbidden cobbler….

    dude, its the holidays. eat the hell out of those oreos.

  27. paige
    December 23rd, 2005 15:56
    27

    I had to get up and get a coke float before finishing this entry. After that, I was right there with you. How about cherry cobbler with a scoop of ice cream on top, then a brownie smooshed on top of that? Yep, me and my coke float agree.

  28. Crazy Lady
    December 23rd, 2005 16:13
    28

    Shame on him. That baby NEEDS those cherries. Fruit is vital for babies. Ice cream is vital for the mommy. For shame!

  29. Laura
    December 23rd, 2005 16:29
    29

    Doesn’t he know that pregnancy is your 9 month food party??? You can have whatever you want and how much of it as long as you take your prenatal vitamin. That’s whay MY doctor told me. Prenatals are like insurance. Cheetos and a prenatal? Okey dokey! It’s all good! No…it’s all DELICIOUS!

  30. John
    December 23rd, 2005 19:04
    30

    OH GOD! You NEED to watch the food channel and tune into Paula Dean’s cooking show. She. Is. Insane. She’s a southern mom, and she’ll be making, oh I don’t know, crumb cake, and she’ll go ‘Well y’all, we need to add some butter now. Now, y’all know how much I like my butter, so let’s just add an extra stick. Okay. There we go. Two sticks of butter. Mmm mmm.’ OR she’ll make finger foods. She calls them ‘light snacks’, when in fact, she takes these crescent rolls she made [with extra butter of course], and wrap them up in bacon. Then she’ll save the bacon grease to marinate the dinner. And if she doesn’t use all of it, she’ll stick it in the fridge.

    I love watching that show so damn much.

  31. nine
    December 23rd, 2005 19:23
    31

    eat the cobler and tell ‘those people’ to shhhh up! i gained nearly 100 lbs when i was pregnant. you haven’t even gotten CLOSE to getting freaky about the food. i didn’t just eat food with butter IN it, i ate butter with butter on top!

    (i am totally NOT kidding. and thank heavens i was fairly underweight to begin with because 16 years later i still haven’t lost the last 25 lbs. oy.)

  32. semisocial
    December 23rd, 2005 23:41
    32

    Hey SJ… check out www.kevinfederline.com … k-fed has his own website, and its hurting!!

  33. Nothing But Bonfires
    December 24th, 2005 03:26
    33

    I made the most glorious apple pie today. Apparently it has won people several awards at county fairs, which sounded good enough for me. It has an obscene amount of butter in it. I would mail you a slice if I didn’t think I’d eat it all first.

  34. debutaunt
    December 24th, 2005 16:04
    34

    Ok. Maybe you can uber bake something as an altruistic measure for a girl with leukemia. Then you can tell hubs all the butter and sugar is for a good cause. Cos I’m like dying over here for some baked goodies. I just am.

  35. paula
    December 24th, 2005 19:23
    35

    Lol!

    Gosh, cherry cobbler sounds really good right now.

  36. Crystal
    December 25th, 2005 04:15
    36

    Merry Christmas to the Sarcastic family!

  37. Dy
    December 26th, 2005 23:34
    37

    I don’t have homemade cobbler, but Marie Callendar left one in my freezer… Thanks for the inspiration!

  38. momisold
    December 27th, 2005 13:41
    38

    Excuse me? There are people (according to these comments) who have never had cobbler, much less CHERRY cobbler?!? Where do these people live? And how have they grown into adulthood without the benefit of cobbler? I can’t imagine my life without cherry cobbler. Kind of sad, isn’t it?

  39. JenfromBoston
    December 28th, 2005 21:43
    39

    My sister just had a baby last Friday - feel the need to e-mail this post right away. Awesome.
    The part about missing a nose..killed me.

    LOVE your site.

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