Strange Days Are Among Us

It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I was a strange little kid. For starters, I rode the “short bus” to school for a little while. Some of the kids in my class would later grow up to wear helmets all the time.

Like many little girls, I had a variety of toys at my disposal: Barbie, My Little Pony, Legos. What did I play with?

Fingernail polish bottles.

I remember, very distinctly, taking all of my mom’s fingernail polish bottles and lining them up on her dresser. Oftentimes I would re-enact scenes from Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood. I had a very active imagination, which was good because Nobody Wanted to Play With The Girl That Looked Like a Boy and Rode the Short Bus to School.

Look, parents! There’s hope for your kids! They could grow up and be like ME! How fun! And then, you too, could disown your own family for daring to speak their mind on the internet! Do it!

I guess, even at a young age, I walked to a different drum, unlike the rest of the jerkos that had to march in line with the drum corps because man, they’re scared to be different.

So its really no surprise that my drum is now a calypso drum and I beat it proudly while dressing up as a Friend of Dorothy.

Sometimes I wonder what my kiddos are going to grow up to be like. Its hard being a parent, trying to steer the thin line between “Oh how cute” and “Should I be calling a psychologist for that one?”

The other night, Ellie was lying in bed with us after waking up from her sleep. Out of nowhere, Captain Delirious starts this manical laughter that started to scare me. It was like she was posessed. Kinda funny, kinda creepy, definitely worthy of telling the internet. She did it again today in her crib. Started laughing out of nowhere.

Is my apartment haunted by ghosts of tenents past? Does she know something I don’t?

I called a pediatric dentist this week because I have grown concerned over Miss E’s teeth. They seemed a little discolored, which is weird, because we are very good about brushing them. She also now has morning breath. Are you supposed to have morning breath at 17 months? I mean, come on, isn’t that something that only adults get?

My baby has morning breath! She is growing up waaaaaayyyy too quickly! Am I leaded her down a path of two big gapped teeth and a life of headgear?

I wonder how Little Jizzy will be compared to Ellie. I thought, for awhile, (well, I still do) that his pregnancy was much better than Miss E’s. Of course, it turned out that the only reason he wasn’t kicking me in the ribs with gusto was because he is transverse.

Instead, he donkey kicks me in the side. Please do not confuse with the donkey punch. Sometimes, I lay in bed and get repeatedly kicked over and over until I’m sure he has bruised some internal organ.

Sure, Ellie tried to break my ribs on a daily basis but this one is trying to cause me permanent damage. Also, he is very active after I eat, something Ellie never was. He’s totally going to be all ADD, isn’t he?

Then he’s going to be eight years old, wearing a helmet while tethered to the playset down at the park, which is my punishment for mentioning that I went to school with kids who later on wore helmets all the time.

Besides the whole “Are her teeth spotted” thing I have going on, I have started to worry about polarity. Specifically, bi-polaredness. It seems someone that “my child is related to” is bi-polar. (Haha, I’m not going to tell you WHO, but I can promise that it is no one that lives in my apartment.) What if the manical laughter is really mania?

What if she’s really depressed and that’s why she has to poop in secret? Pooping in secret! She has body dysmorphic disorder! She’s going to be on Oprah one day! She’s going to blame it all on me!

Wait. I’ve always had a secret desire to be on Oprah. If Little Jizzy can’t get his mama an invite to party with the Queer Eye Guys, well hopefully Miss E can get me an invite on Oprah. Because, man, I’ll deal with her “in your face” attitude for a chance to stay at the “All-suite Omni Hotel!”

15 Comments

  1. aha! thanks for the Friend of Dorothy clarification. Last week, while we were on a cruise (ha ha neener neener, yes- we were on a cruise) they had a FOD meeting. There was only one meeting for the whole week, while the Friends of Bill W. got to meet every day. Maybe it’s more tempting to be an alcoholic than to be gay whilst (that’s how they spelled it on the ship) at sea. Oh, and it’s fun to be crazy! Ask me how I know.

    Comment by perl — 12/21/2005 @ 9:18 pm

  2. My Elli sometimes wakes up with morning breath as well. I haven’t really worried about it, but make sure to let me know if they tell you it’s a bad sign.

    Comment by Bente — 12/21/2005 @ 9:48 pm

  3. You almost always make me laugh out loud. I forget what specifically made me laugh out loud because I have short term memory loss. Something toward the end of the post. I will re-read it later and let you know. I used to hate when people typed “LOL” because A) it’s banal and B) I doubted they actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD, but um, ok, now I get it.

    Comment by Lori — 12/21/2005 @ 10:35 pm

  4. I have a 13 month old little boy that often has morning breath i went to the dentist and he said when your child falls asleep they don’t make as much saliva (which would usally wash away the bacteria that causes bad breath) so the bacteria builds up and causes bad breath. It’s even worse if your child breathes through there mouth when they sleep because it dries there mouth out even more. As long as it goes away with brusing in the morning it shouldn’t be a problem.

    Comment by lin — 12/21/2005 @ 10:42 pm

  5. Morning breathis normal, it’s from bacteria on the tongue. It’s only bad breath all the time that should be a concern. Oh, and the spots are from too much flouride, or at least that’s what caused my daughter to have them. No big, and her adult teeth should be fine. :)

    Comment by Crystal — 12/21/2005 @ 11:06 pm

  6. Located in the heart of Chicago’s Magnificent Mile! I totally understand that desire!

    Comment by Eulallia — 12/21/2005 @ 11:50 pm

  7. Ellie’s teeth may be from mineral deposits in the water. My sister-in-law grew up here and had stained teeth from drinking unfiltered water. Just a thought. It doesn’t explain the morning breath though. Hmm…maybe she’s secretly pooping and THEN eating it?

    OK, there, I have matched you in shock value today. And, I have managed to gross myself out too. HA!

    Comment by Crazy MomCat — 12/22/2005 @ 12:03 am

  8. Holy shit!

    I wish I had a nickel for everytime that I thought that my daughter needed a shrink at aged two. I didn’t ever think it about my son, and now that he’s nine, I’m kinda’ starting to wonder about him too.

    Btw, my twelve year old daughter turned out very normal. More “normal” than I would have liked. She wants to be a cheerleader, and she’s popular enough that she could be.

    Help! I don’t want a freak cheerleader in my family!

    Comment by paula — 12/22/2005 @ 12:44 am

  9. I’m not that worried about Ellie’s morning breath - give the girl a breath mint. I am worried about the whole DONKEY PUNCH thing!! That’s disgusting and disturbing. If anyone gave me the donkey punch they’d be getting their ASS KICKED.

    Comment by Debbie — 12/22/2005 @ 7:06 am

  10. Some thoughts:

    Don’t cry ( literally burst into tears) to your pediatrician that you are sure that you made your child an anxiety ridden depressive ( when said child is three). It only makes you look a little more mommy crazy. Even though you know the awful genetic burden you have saddled her with.

    Also, brush the kids tongue. It helps. She hates it, but it will help.

    Comment by Dawn — 12/22/2005 @ 9:05 am

  11. You know, Joey has a funny looking tooth and really bad breath…he also does not sleep well. He needs a shrink. bad.

    Comment by Corrie — 12/22/2005 @ 9:36 am

  12. All I have to say is, your childhood sounds perfectly normal for someone who grew up to be a journalist – especially one working for a newspaper. Newsrooms are a genetic boulliabaise of Geeks, Freaks and Weirdos.
    And yes, it takes one to know one.
    Merry Christmas, SJ!

    Comment by MamaQ — 12/22/2005 @ 11:37 am

  13. See, I knew we were alike. Only I thought my mom’s nail polish was lipstick…yeeeouch. Can’t tell you how many times I burned my lips putting that stuff on.

    Comment by christina — 12/22/2005 @ 3:19 pm

  14. Darn, I could have gotten you an invite with the Queer Eye guys. My ex-friend is friends with the GROOMING GUY!

    As for kids having bad breath….you know, I never thought about that!! LOL

    Do they have mouthwash for tots?? LOL

    Comment by mrsmogul — 12/22/2005 @ 3:30 pm

  15. i can’t wait to see you and miss e! (oh and to eat some of those desserts you keep mentioning…)

    Comment by Curly Girl — 12/23/2005 @ 1:29 pm

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