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If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, please don’t assume you aren’t having duck for dinner.

I recieved a call yesterday, from the doctor’s office. At the time I answered, I was a little frazzled and not really paying attention to what the lady on the phone said. Basically, I heard the word “infection.”

“Do I have an infection?”

The lady sounded distracted, told me “no” then placed me on hold. Okay. If I didn’t have an infection, why did I hear the word “infection?”

Once she returned on the line I asked her to repeat herself. Basically, from what I got out of the conversation, I had peed in a cup and the pee said that I had 10,000+ of something and did it hurt when I peed?

Um, well, it doesn’t burn to pee but I do have a stabbing sensation “down there.” I also have to pee every ten seconds.

The nurse seemed a little confused as to why someone would have stabbing pains down there and pee every ten seconds yet see no reason to inform her doctor.

Basically, long story short, this happened last time. I would get a “stabbing pain” that felt like someone was shoving knives up my peehole. I told a doctor, who did a test, and she said that I did not have an infection.

So, I figured that haha, I just get stabbing pains in my peepee area while pregnant. And the peeing all the time thing? Well, isn’t that what pregnant hussies do? We pee?

According to my Mom, the amount I peed at her house while over there on Monday was alarming. We both just figured that I drank a Mountain Dew earlier and that might have something to do with it.

I mean, so what if I felt a very strong, very sudden urge to pee followed up by a dropper’s worth of urine? I’m pregnant! I pee in small amounts!

So, basically, I’m on medicine to help this (insert quote) infection. (end quotes.) Side effects include kidney damage, a baby with five heads and brown pee.

I’ve been on pee watch for a day now. Currently, it is at neon yellow phase. I totally can’t wait for it to turn brown so I can scream about my very watery diarrhea and show the contents to people.

Because, seriously. If you’re going to have brown pee and not show it to people, well, you shouldn’t be allowed to have a normal pee hole.

22 Responses to “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, please don’t assume you aren’t having duck for dinner.”

  1. John
    December 15th, 2005 22:47
    1

    I think, if it isn’t too much to ask of you or too much to take of the readers, it may be picture time. Both of the brown pee and 5-headed lil’ Jizzy. Also, random fact? For the longest time, I thought you all peed out of your vagina. I mean…why would you all have 3 holes? I only have two, and that gets the job done. So does that mean men are more effective? Needing only 2 holes to do what women need 3 to?
    Let the games begin…:)

  2. Curly Girl
    December 15th, 2005 23:51
    2

    you got a urinary tract infection. right? did i guess right? i hate those. they hurt like hell. not that i would know anything about that….it’s all from work, really.

    drink some cranberry juice. lots of cranberry juice. oh yes. delicious.

  3. wordgirl
    December 15th, 2005 23:55
    3

    John- We have three holes and we have four functions. As an added bonus, we use one of those holes for both sex and childbirth. Peeing a crapping come from two completely unrelated locations. You use one hole for peeing and sex and the other for…well…you know. So technically, we’re MORE effective than you guys. Plus we’re the givers of all human life on the planet. Now bow down and worship us.

  4. Recovering Straight Girl
    December 16th, 2005 00:38
    4

    Women actually have four holes.
    Yes, it’s true.
    You’ll need to look close but trust me, it’s there.

  5. Chrissy
    December 16th, 2005 01:21
    5

    As I look at my toe nails right now, I realized that yesterday I painted them roughly the same color as rust colored urine. I knew I didn’t like the color once it dried, but now I know why. All they would have had to do was put UTI in the color name thingie, and I would have passed for sure. It looked like a dusty rose at the time, who knew? Please feel better and go drink some cranberry juice, me, I’m going to go and grab some polish remover right quick.

  6. John
    December 16th, 2005 02:15
    6

    Well, wordgirl, I have to disagree. I have 2 holes [or something with a hole, as part of the case may be], and each whole has 2 purposes. Excrement and enjoyment. It seems my community beats out all the rest. Ha ha! Victory is ours!

  7. Eulallia
    December 16th, 2005 02:22
    7

    John, unless we can see your penis on SJ’s ultrasound, we don’t want to hear about it.

  8. Susan
    December 16th, 2005 02:33
    8

    Wordgirl - 1

    John - 0

  9. John
    December 16th, 2005 05:58
    9

    I want to thank you all for helping to make this the most amusing thread that I have ever seen slash EVER had the pleasure of being involved in.
    Back to the subject…the gays totally have the win. That is what I meant prior. 2 holes. 4 purposes. That’s a 200% effectiveness rate, I think.

  10. Susan
    December 16th, 2005 07:49
    10

    Five heads. That’s what I want to see. Right now.

  11. Karen Rani
    December 16th, 2005 08:38
    11

    I need to find a mirror.

  12. wordgirl
    December 16th, 2005 09:33
    12

    John- You’re making the grievous assumption that gays are the only people who utilize the “back door” for sex. We STILL trump you and your ass. Five functions, baby. Read ‘em and weep. Gay or straight…you can’t have kids and we can. And don’t go passing off your kidney stones as kids. I’m not buying that kind of crazy…I already got some.

  13. p
    December 16th, 2005 09:50
    13

    SJ,
    You don’t have an quote/unquote infection, you have a urinary tract infection! And I can’t believe you lived with it this long!!! I woke up with one a couple years ago and camped outside the doctor’s office until he got there and could give me antibiotics, it hurt so bad. The best part about the antibiotics is that they turn your pee all sorts of colors. You’ll progress through an autumnal spectrum of vibrance: red, maroon, orange, and glowing yellow. Very nice. And best of all, you can pee again without the knives or the releasing one tiny drop of pee when you have what feels like gallons. SJ, you are absolutely insane for thinking that’s normal!!!!

    Hey John, thanks for crowing about your penis and anus. I’m with eulalia.

    -P

  14. coolbeans
    December 16th, 2005 10:14
    14

    You guys are flippin’ hilarious.

  15. SuperMomIsDead
    December 16th, 2005 12:02
    15

    Thinking about brown pee is not recommended while drinking coffee.

    I wish you a speedy recovery!

  16. mrtl
    December 16th, 2005 13:03
    16

    Thanks for sharing… one and all.

  17. tracy
    December 16th, 2005 13:11
    17

    i had my first UTI last spring. it was pretty awesome. i mean, besides the whole having to pee constantly but only being able to pee a tiny bit, and the stabbing — oh, the stabbing!! — and just the ickiness about thinking “my pee-hole is infected”…. the antibiotics did indeed turn my urine lovely colors. not brown, but it definitely ran the spectrum from day-glo orange to magenta. even grosser, i had to flush the toilet twice each time or it would leave a sort of residual glow in the bowl.

    when i first got that UTI, i didn’t want to go to the doctor (i hate doctors) so i drank a lot — A LOT — of cranberry juice instead. bad idea. then it hurt to pee AND i had explosive diarrhea. stick to the meds :)

  18. John
    December 16th, 2005 14:02
    18

    I think the end result of this thread will be that we are just all great. I’ve re-read this three times, and I keep crying because I’m laughing so hard.
    It is a convo about who can use their orifices more than the other. And I love it. Hahahaha!

  19. Lisa
    December 16th, 2005 14:13
    19

    WOW, well I have interstitial Cystitis which is like a chronic bladder infection that never goes away. Fun stuff. But guess what the med I take for it turns my pee blue! It looks like a smurf visited our house. But its kinda cool!

  20. Stefanie
    December 16th, 2005 14:20
    20

    Enough with your pee stories. How about the poop on your poops? Frequency, consistancy, likability?

  21. debutaunt
    December 17th, 2005 14:23
    21

    Pee should not be the color of Shiner Bock. Mine is bright red right now from this red koolaid colored chemotherapy.

    Holes? Weird I say.

  22. MoxieMomma
    December 18th, 2005 12:02
    22

    sj, take some of those cranberry tablets too, that will help stave off another infection. i had them all through the girl’s pg and never even knew it. no stabbing pains, no nuthin.

    deb, that’s just cruel to make your pee red of all things. what are those chemo peeps thinking? that could scare the bejeebus out of a person. not right.

    and what’s all this competition with the holes? women are superior. end of story. there’s no competition.

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