You will never think of playhouse disney the same way again.

It took a little time, but I’ve become an avid fan of TLC’s “What Not to Wear.” I’m even considering buying their book (yes, there is a book) with a gift card I have. I can’t help it. I’m addicted.

The deal is, I’ll watch this show and the “victims” will say “I watch your show all the time!” yet they do not change how they dress.

Today, I left the house in pajamas. Not any pajamas, but a two piece pink button-down set with very large coffee cups printed all over. I am pretty sure that is against all “rules” that they have.

Sure, I could have put on my jeans and a shirt to bring my husband his lunch at work. But, that would have taken more time and I was hoping to get back to watch the end of The View. Once out, however, I realized that I had another errand to run. Those of you with small children know that once you’re out, you’re out. You could be wearing a pink thong and a feather boa but you’re still heading to the post office to drop off that package, damnit.

Hello, my name is The Sarcastic Journalist and I went to church wearing pajamas. Even better, my child did not have on shoes or socks and it was 40 degrees outside. (I carried her. I’m not mean enough to let her walk on the cold ground with no foot covering.) She also has yet ANOTHER cold (ha, that’s what I get for letting her lick the seats on the airplane) so her nose is sprouting this thick greenish-yellowish goop that slides down her face and sticks to everything.

I am a pregnant suburban mom that wears pajamas in public while lugging around a snot-nosed toddler. Someone shoot me. Didn’t I used to care about what I wore?

Oh wait. I still do. I just don’t have that many winter maternity clothes to wear.

You know things are bad when you take a shower only to put on a tracksuit. You know, a blue one with matching hoodie? Yeah, that’s totally me, rockin’ the tracksuit in suburbia.

Next thing you know, I’m driving a minivan and complaining about the PTA. It’s only a matter of time.

It is not that I ever considered myself a “rockstar.” I’ve never really been that cool, or well-dressed for that matter, but I did okay. I might have qualified as a “roadie.”

Now, I might qualify for the Moms standing backstage at The Wiggles concert, hoping to get a glimpse at whatever color Wiggle they fantasize about when tickling their pickle.

Yes, you know there are women that um, you know, thinking of the Wiggles.

That gets me thinking, I think that undersexed suburban Moms are really not well-represented in the sex toy market. Not that I really know anything about that because ha, I’m pregnant and we all know that I DO NOT HAVE THE HORNEY but I would assume that most sex toys are geared towards people that wear deodorant every day.

So, for your viewing pleasure, I bring to you the newest form of sexual entertainment for the Oprah-watching Mama. The Wiggles Vibrator, brought to you by Playhouse Disney.

37 Responses to “You will never think of playhouse disney the same way again.”

  1. John
    December 6th, 2005 21:37

    You know they should market these sex toys. There is already a sex toy company marketed at the conservative christian lot. Why not the moms?

    Except for mine. Margaret does NOT get a sex toy.

  2. Karen Rani
    December 6th, 2005 21:52

    Good lord - I just choked on root beer that went out my nose, and back down my throat…..Geez! Snot-laden root beer!!!!!!!

    Thank you for the great laugh!!!!!!!

  3. Nancy France
    December 6th, 2005 22:13

    uhnmmmm ew.

    Not my cup of tea, a Wiggle. They’re kinda spooky.

  4. carly
    December 6th, 2005 22:22

    anthony is the blue wiggle, so he should be on a blue vibrator

    well done, i wouldnt buy it myself, but its a spanky idea

    ps, i love your christmas photos

  5. denise
    December 6th, 2005 23:07

    um…fun for every member of the family?

  6. Susan
    December 6th, 2005 23:49

    I love What Not To Wear, if only because they ALWAYS send the mommies home with HIGH HEELED SHOES. Because THAT’S a good idea!

    And because I like you, I will admit that I have read the book. Not bought it, just read it! In the bookstore. And I still look like crap. But at least now I KNOW that I look like crap. I keep hoping they will offer me $5,000 to NOT look like crap. Cause I would do it, high heels and all.

  7. kate
    December 7th, 2005 00:17

    oh my. I dont know what the Wiggles are, but that just doesnt do it for me

  8. sarah gilbert
    December 7th, 2005 00:22

    I’m laughing because I did a variation on that today - I dropped off my husband at work and then realized I had to pick up photos while I was already downtown - and my baby had just a onesie on. it was 40 degrees and windy. I tried to hide his naked legs in the sling but it didn’t quite work.

    and I have that very pink coffee cup pajama set. while I haven’t worn the whole outfit out, I have worn the top out, especially right after baby #2 was born… it was very cozy. and better than a pink thong, right?

  9. mixedupmama
    December 7th, 2005 01:11

    the yellow wiggle would do the trick for me.

  10. Crystal
    December 7th, 2005 01:13

    Oh, god… that’s hilarious and frightening. Here’s one for you, I didn’t blog it because I’d NEVER hear the end of it from the hubs. I fell asleep on the couch this morning while the kids watched Lazy Town. I totally do not think Sportacus is hot, though there are a LOT of moms who do, but I had a sex dream about him!! I need to wash my brain out!

  11. mrtl
    December 7th, 2005 02:06

    Thank you for not putting Wags the Dog’s face on the rabbit part.

  12. Susan
    December 7th, 2005 05:28

    Ooooo, I have that one in glitter-blue!!!

  13. debutaunt
    December 7th, 2005 08:10

    Just think what you could do with Captain Feathersword! Pink thong and boa? Are you stalking me? I’ve been begging my friends to nominate me for that show for years now. I would so spend that $5,000 in a minute. I have great taste. Just no cashamatoma.

  14. warcrygirl
    December 7th, 2005 08:29

    Absolutely brilliant! Now if they’d just make one with a picture of one of the Kratt Brothers…

  15. Mellissa
    December 7th, 2005 08:35

    Pyjamas and tracksuit pants are nearly my entire winter wardrobe, and I’m neither pregnant nor a Mum, so I have no excuse. I hate the cold, so warmth and comfort come first, dammit.

  16. wordgirl
    December 7th, 2005 09:30

    I have pink flannel “I Love Lucy” pajamas…with hearts, candy, and pics of Lucy and Ethel working in the candy factory. Also…black pj pants with the Three Stooges on them.

  17. Tuesdayef
    December 7th, 2005 09:57

    That is just wrong.

  18. Dawn
    December 7th, 2005 11:10

    I have always thought that the Wiggles were strictly “man on man” gentlemen.

    And Thank SJ for searing my brain with the Wiggles Vibrator. My poor Rabbit will never look the same to me again.

    Although I did have an uncomfortable moment in the recent Harry Potter movie when I thought “Hey! That Harry is looking ALL RIGHT”

    Then recoiled in horror as I recognized I could be his mother

  19. Shrinking Violet
    December 7th, 2005 11:31

    When you are out and about with your pajamas on and a snotty nosed child, you need to develop a look of righteous indignation. Flash that look at anyone who stares and DARE them to comment.

  20. rachel
    December 7th, 2005 12:20

    My MIL has a foot-high Bob the Builder with vibrating jackhammer. It says “Can we fix it? Yes we can!” and then “Whooooaaaahh!” as its jackhammer goes off. So, uh, somebody’s already marketing this kind of thing.

  21. Angi
    December 7th, 2005 13:09

    Great blog!! I just started reading a couple days ago. My child LOVES the wiggles…I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at them the same again! :-) Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is that maybe Henry the Octopus would make a better product, with the 8 legs and all!

  22. Amy
    December 7th, 2005 13:43

    I love the show What Not to Wear, too. I always wonder why they always send the women home with pointy toed high heeled shoes. Those aren’t the ONLY shoes out there.
    The vibrator is HILARIOUS.

  23. MamaQ
    December 7th, 2005 14:07

    I seriously know at least one mom who uses her rabbit whilst fantasizing about Anthony Wiggle. There’s also a whole underground love cult dedicated to Steve from Blue’s Clues.
    See you in hell.

  24. Sarcomical
    December 7th, 2005 14:34

    but what kind of SHOES were you wearing?

  25. Laura
    December 7th, 2005 14:48

    Steve from Blues Clues is da BOMB! I’d do a Kratt brother. Anthony Wiggle is over-rated. I have had sex dreams about Cap’n Feathersword, though. Ahoy there me hardies! (or is it supposed to be hearties? I like hardies better, considering the context).

  26. katie
    December 7th, 2005 15:08


    I’m not a mom, but as a former nanny I’ve seen way more than my share of The Wiggles. I always kind of considered Jeff to be the sexiest Wiggle…maybe it’s the unexplainable narcolepsy that he suffers from. That’s hot.

  27. Ninotchka
    December 7th, 2005 15:38

    A HA HA HA Thanks for the laugh!

  28. Dawn
    December 7th, 2005 16:07

    I thinks Steve from Blues Clues has an almost PeeWee Hermanesque vibe. But the Kratt Bros’s? They can “Be My creature”

  29. coolbeans
    December 7th, 2005 16:26

    I’ll watch What Not To Wear when there’s nothing else on. It’s just so weird. If we all knew What Not To Wear, we’d all dress alike. Except the short people would have pinstripes on their pants and the boobilicious girls would have the V-necks. Also, no really fat people could leave their houses. We can’t dress you, fat people! You’re helpless. And our hairstylist doesn’t wash his hair for WEEKS. And neither should YOU!

    Someone tell me. Is Clinton? Or isn’t he?

  30. Nothing But Bonfires
    December 7th, 2005 16:31

    But have you seen the British What Not To Wear? Trinny and Susannah are BITCHES, man. And it’s AWESOME! They’re repeatedly sticking their hands down other women’s shirts to hoist THE GIRLS up. I love Clinton and Stacy too, but Trinny and Susannah are just so MEAN. I LOVE IT.

    And I borrowed the book from the library.

  31. Rayne of Terror
    December 7th, 2005 17:12

    Hey, yer quoted on Blogging Baby this morning.

  32. lawbrat
    December 7th, 2005 18:56

    I’m not sure there has been a morning that I dressed to take the kids to school. I’ve gone to the grocery store in my slippers and sweats. If I could go to school in slippers, I so would.

  33. Eulallia
    December 7th, 2005 19:56

    I’ve had “romantic” dreams about the Wiggles during both of my pregnancies. That Murray! RRRRAWR!

  34. surcie
    December 8th, 2005 15:53

    I *heart* Anthony. When I took my boy to see the Wiggles in concert, Anthony waved at me. So, I’m pretty sure he *hearts* me, too.

  35. Busy Mom
    December 8th, 2005 17:41

    Anthony’s mine. Back off. The real Anthony, that is. Not sure what to think about the battery Anthony.

  36. Amanda
    December 11th, 2005 14:05

    This is probably inappropriate, but that vibrator - the one without the Wiggle on it, I mean - is AWESOME. Those who own it know what I’m talking about.

  37. chris
    December 12th, 2005 21:08

    thank goodness you didn’t put Murray on there. I would never have had sex (with my vibrator) again.

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