Sweet Hell, Thy Name is Ebay

Although I don’t consider myself a “shopper,” I don’t mind going out to the mall during the holiday season to find gifts. There’s something about finding the perfect gift in the midst of a thousand other people, all trying to spread a little “Holiday Cheer” while handing over our Visa Cards.

This year, it is different. I don’t want to leave the house. I assume it is because I have a 16-month-old that screams “Don’t!” and doesn’t like to sit in her stroller. I also assume it is because I am 31 weeks pregnant.

I am now an official internet shopper.

Yes, I bought a coffeepot on Drugstore dot com. I also managed to get free shipping, even though my item didn’t really qualify for it. It is called being nice to the person on the phone and telling jokes. Phone people like jokes. Or at least the girl I spoke to did. I am an Amazon shopper. Free shipping for books? Rock on!

I’ll take your free shipping and throw in a gift receipt.

Along with Drugstore and Amazon, I have been visiting Ebay. They should really change the name to EBuy. E Buy and Buy some more.

I’m not that competitive of a person. I’d never make it to The Olympics because winning isn’t that important to me. Hopefully Ellie or LJ aren’t big competitors because I’ll totally be all “It’s okay to come in last place! Didn’t you have fun? Let’s eat ice cream!”

I wasn’t valedictorian and I have never won any sporting competitions. I’m not the coolest blogger or the best blogger or the most well-known blogger or the biggest narcissist. I’m just little ol’ me and I’m always surprised and happy when someone reads this site.

But, when it comes to EBay, my inner competitor comes out. All of a sudden, it matters to me that I am The Highest Bidder on that cloth diaper.

(Sidenote: Anyone that says something negative about the cloth diapering gets a free poopy diaper in the mail from your’s truly.)

I saw these diapers I really wanted on Ebay about four days ago. Nobody had bid on them yet, so I felt a bit of ownership as I placed my top bid of $4.00. As the days went on and nobody bid on my lime green and orange diapers, I told them it will be okay.

“It’s okay, cute little diaper. I will give you a good home. My child will give you many poopies to play with.”

Today was the last day of bidding and all of a sudden, The Evil People come out. You know the types: They wait until the end of the auction and then start bidding. Next thing I know, I’m ready to head up to Iowa to kick some lady’s butt because she seems intent on outbidding me at all costs.

I really wish I could just leave some feedback without a transaction. I think my feedback for said lady that seemed intent on bidding on everything I was bidding on would be “Dirty Rotten Whore.”

I call my Mom up on the phone and tell her to have her computer ready when I come over. “I’ve been Ebaying for days now and I’m not letting some dumb whore outbid me at the last minute.”

Yes, I call complete strangers “Dumb Whore” in front of my Mom. I also refer to certain people we know with that name. “Dumb Whore” is totally my new favorite insult.

So, we’re sitting at the kitchen table and she’s trying to teach me how to sew my own diapers. Meanwhile, I have her laptop open next to me, turned to the “My Ebay” page. Every few minutes, I hit refresh.

“Dumb stupid (blank blank blank blank blank) whore! She can’t get the green one! Not the green one! The green one is the one I really wanted!”

At one point, she’s explaining to me how to stretch the elastic when I break into my Whore rant again. I finally tell her to keep talking, I can scream “Dumb Whore” while learning which stich to use.

Although I ended up paying $8 for that darn diaper when my original “high bid” was $4, I felt like a winner. Sure, I’ll never win any races or be the coolest blogger that makes a zillion dollars a year or whatever, but I have my Ebay. I should have run up to Bumblebutt, Iowa and said “Ha! In YO FACE” to that Ebay Stalker Lady. Yes, I know I need therapy.

Anyway, what’s even better than Ebay? I have these diapers and I made them MYSELF.

32 Responses to “Sweet Hell, Thy Name is Ebay”

  1. Emily
    December 6th, 2005 00:25

    Beautiful handiwork. :) Last-minute bidders are the devil.

  2. Fellow Eskimo
    December 6th, 2005 00:32

    *doesnt know anything about cloth diapers* But I love ebay!

  3. Angela
    December 6th, 2005 00:58

    Oh those diapers are just so cute I could die! Only… not really… I mean, they’re adorable, but I think that I won’t die now. And I must admit, I’m a last minute bidder. I guess I just don’t see the point in jacking up the price until those last few precious minutes where it really matters!! Good luck with your continued conquering of the Ebay world.

  4. wordgirl
    December 6th, 2005 01:03

    1) I failed at cloth diapers, but these look PRECIOUS!
    2) I can’t sew worth shit
    3) I’ve never bought anything on E-Bay….I’m afraid I might buy on impulse, but I’ll drop $150 at the book store without blinking.
    4) You’re one of the best damned bloggers EVER. Don’t sell yourself short.

  5. IB
    December 6th, 2005 01:15

    I feel you on the ebay thing. highly addictive, and now I am suffering.

    Cute diapers - ever tried cloth menstrual pads?

  6. John
    December 6th, 2005 01:20

    What is the benefit of cloth diapers? This is a serious question, as I have no idea.

  7. christina
    December 6th, 2005 01:30

    Ha, you’ll hate me because I am a last minute bidder. My step-dad (King Ebay) taught me to bookmark my auction, and not to bid until there are 30-60 seconds left on it. I don’t jack up the price by bidding over and over, and I tend to win what i want. It’s the bidders that bid against themselves I don’t understand….oops, I went off a bit didn’t I.

    Anyway, I wish I could cloth diaper. But, we have no washer and the wash service here for cloth is outrageous. I can’t believe you made your own, that’s so awesome!

    Is Ellie in cloth? I can’t remember…if not, are you switching her? I’ve heard of people doing that late in the game, supposed to make potty-training easier or something.

  8. Karen Rani
    December 6th, 2005 07:51

    Sometimes Karma gets those dirty whore bidders….my sister-in-law bid on some fantastic earrings, only to be out bid within minutes of the auction closing. They had started at $14, and the dirty rotten whore out bid to $20! So my SIL was disappointed, but when she went back the next day, there were more of the same earrings as a Buy-now item and she snagged them for $7.50! So sometimes the dirty whores have to pay an extra $12.50 when they act extra whorish.

  9. martha
    December 6th, 2005 08:22

    Those diapers are so great - did you use a pattern or just guess? I’d love to make our own for when we need them.

  10. Sarah
    December 6th, 2005 08:38

    cute cute cute!!!

  11. wayward goddess
    December 6th, 2005 08:46

    I’m the same way with ebay. I have a hard time just walking away from an item. I feel like I NEED it. I often times end up with bidders remorse and hope thatsomeone please outbids me so that I’m not stuck spending $40 on that item I can get at walmart for $20.
    It’s times like that I start rifling through my husbands clothes to see what I can sell to pay for the crap I just bought.

  12. Dawn
    December 6th, 2005 08:54

    I call the Ebay Sniper bidders Dirty Rotton Whore Douchebags.

    Sometimes, and I am shamed for saying this, if someone outbids me, I follow them to another auction they are bidding on and jack up the price by bidding, just to fuck with them.

    Wow. I am a little , little person.

  13. Kristy
    December 6th, 2005 09:10

    I’m curious about the benefits of cloth diapers, too. I’m totally clueless when it comes to all things baby.

  14. Curly Girl
    December 6th, 2005 09:36

    your diapers are so cute! (i never thought i would type that sentence) the dw from iowa sucks.

  15. kelllie
    December 6th, 2005 09:39

    I see a work at home buisness in your near future…maybe?

    cloth rocks!!!

  16. Rayne of Terror
    December 6th, 2005 09:59

    I’m starting cloth too. I’ve followed the directions to the T, but am having a leaky leaky time. I’ll have to contact the shop owner and see if she can help me. I’ve got 4 Happy Heinies with hemp stuffies and as far as I know that’s a pretty good arrangement, but we’re wet wet wet.

  17. Jen
    December 6th, 2005 10:35

    Actually, I’m curious how you do with the cloth diapers. Some time in the next year or so, I think we’ll start trying to make a baby (yay!) and I’ve been considering the whole cloth diaper thing. But, I am worried that it will be way more work than I want, I won’t be good at it, etc. So when you eventually start on that, let us know how it goes and what you think of it :)

  18. Crystal
    December 6th, 2005 10:38

    I totally know what you mean about Ebay whores!! Just bid if you want the item dang! Anyways the diapers you made are super cute - kuddos!!

  19. Priscilla
    December 6th, 2005 10:55

    Yeah, wondering if you got a pattern for the cloth diapers as well.
    I am addicted to Ebay too. I have gotten some great deals though and my husband is convinced that those last minute bidders are actually the sellers jacking up the prices with a different username/email address!

  20. gabbi
    December 6th, 2005 11:09

    Giving items use again is good feng shui, plus Jizzy can say his Mom was environmentally freindly! Ebay is soooo addictive! The diapers you made are adorable, how cool are you?

  21. Jessica
    December 6th, 2005 11:14

    i am surprised and happy THAT i read your site…consider me the next on your list of loyal readers!

    and also, i will be the 10th person to say, ‘yes, please tell us about cloth diapers!’

  22. Corrie
    December 6th, 2005 11:17

    Okay, I bow down to you, you are the craftiest. You win.
    I hate shopping right now, because I have you beat, I am 34 weeks. I win there! NOBODY is getting presents, except the kids!

  23. jess
    December 6th, 2005 11:27

    I had to give up my ebay addiction - it’s so easy to spend so much. Plus, feedback! I was a feedback whore. Wanting to move on up to the next color.
    Anyway, glad you’re getting into the zen of cloth. They are really awesome and not more work, at least before solids, than disposable. I used to put two on at night for mega-diaper butt look.

  24. Rachel
    December 6th, 2005 11:33

    Very cute diapers! I started cloth with my second baby, I also bought a few for my 2 year old, she potty trained really fast after that. LOL So it really does work!

    Have fun with the cloth diapers! Disposables are great for out but at home cloth is so easy and CHEAP! I have sold most of my sons diapers and actually got money for them, you can’t do that with disposables!

  25. Lee
    December 6th, 2005 11:41

    Those are your First attempts at diapers!? Those are amazing - this makes me want to have another baby and use cloth….!

  26. Happay
    December 6th, 2005 11:56

    The diapers look great. I just didn’t have time to make my own. Plus, I thought I could do it cheaper buying all the used. I don’t know if I was right or not. But, we’ve been supremely happy with our diapers. Most of the ones I bought on eBay I didn’t like. So, I quit buying from there. eBay doesn’t like quitters. I still get e-mail from them.

  27. mrsmogul
    December 6th, 2005 13:18

    I can’t sew or make diapers…I haven’t even bought anything online for the baby yet! I am useless! LOL

    Also 31 weeks!

  28. Chickie
    December 6th, 2005 13:32

    I must admit that I get a perverse pleasure out of waiting til there’s 30 seconds left on an auction and then swooping in for the kill.

    What pretty diapers. If I had a baby I’d want to do the cloth thing just because they look so neat!

  29. eBay freak
    December 6th, 2005 14:46

    Auction sniper, baby, auction sniper! I am a total eBay addict and I used to get SO pissed when I’d lose out in the last minutes that I just don’t care anymore. BTW, your diapers are CUTE! WTG! I wish I would have done cloth diapers but my son (15 mos) is a big tinkler so I don’t want to wash the sheets every day!

  30. Emily
    December 6th, 2005 15:15

    Yeah, well, call me what you want but? My eBay life sometimes depends on eSnipe. It’s the nature of the beast, ya know. Especially when you’re 38 weeks pregnant and not about to waddle your pregnant ass into Target to fight for the very last Xbox game. I’d prefer to fight for it from the comfort of my couch!

  31. robyn
    December 6th, 2005 17:58

    I’m with Chickie — it makes sure you get what you want, without getting in a bidding war to do it. I have it down to a math-science almost at exactly what second I swoop in for the kill at the very end when I really, really neeeeeeeed something.

  32. coolbeans
    December 6th, 2005 20:45

    OOH! Makey some for MEEEEEEEEE!

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