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Gaydar

I think I’ve mentioned before that I come from a long line of Very Conservative People. I’ll admit it, I used to be one of those people too, that is, before I grew up and got a brain and decided to make decisions for myself.

Now? I have opinions for everyone!

I had a friend once, a friend that had moved to North Carolina from New York City. She asked me what my family “background/heritiage” was. I’m like “I’m a mutt. One side is Cajun and the other side are just crazy breeders that have some Irish up in there somewhere.”

Hence the dark hair with the really light skin. I’m like Snow White without the fame or the Dwarfs.

Anyway, my family doesn’t have many things that we pass down from generation to generation. I’m doing pretty good to know that I had a great-grandma named Lily and a grandma named Mary.

The one thing that my family does pass down is their conservativeness. I usually don’t speak of politics with people, my family included, because it is like beating a dead horse and I have better things to do than beat dead horses, such as beat husbands when they don’t make me fudge like I demanded.

I think that there are several people in my family that are hoping to turn Little Jizzy into a gun-carrying, NASCAR-watching, camo-wearing, hick. Basically, they want to turn him into my worst nightmare.

Me? I want to turn him into a metrosexual.

I want a kiddo that will go shopping with me and help me pick out color palattes and plan events that involve catering and decorating of rooms.

I know that if I want to tick off a bunch of people very quickly, I start talking Gay Rights and Gay Marriage and how sad I am to live in a country that treats gay people like second class citizens.

So, basically, after I get through with all of my Civil Rights speeches, I tell them that Little Jizzy is going to be gay. In all honesty, I just want for him to be happy. I think you know that, Internet. Whoever he is, whatever he is, as long as he’s not selling drugs or showing up on the 6 o’clock news for robbing a bank, I’ll be happy.

They don’t like my gay jokes.

On Wednesday, I went to some store and got a “makeover.” The entire time I was sitting in the makeup artist’s chair, LJ was kicking. Going to town, actually.

Hmm…does he like makeup?

Then, yesterday, I busied myself making Christmas cards and Birth Announcements. I probably did that for about five hours and the entire time he kicked. Kicked and kicked and pushed and prodded and pretty much made me miserable.

So, he likes makeup AND crafts. Interesting.

Everyone is going on a hike today in the Okie hills, a hike I am not going on because ha! In case you didn’t know, I am carrying a gut roughly the size of a turkey and going on a hike for several hours isn’t my idea of fun.

Instead, the few of us Non-Hikers are heading out to Wild Oats to look for non-milky food. If he gets all crazy looking at Organic produce, well, I better start stocking up on Queer Eye DVDs.

29 Responses to “Gaydar”

  1. wordgirl
    November 25th, 2005 13:21
    1

    I’d have a tough time selling the “gay” idea to my family, too. Even though my cousin is gay and one of my best friends is gay…and my family thinks these two people are two of the most wonderful, wonderful men in the world. Still…by the familial estimation…they will eventually go to…you know…Hell.

    A gay son would be so kind and helpful and wouldn’t mind helping you pick out new sofa fabric or tile for the kitchen backsplash. And, as long as he isn’t a snarky gay–like Carson Kressley–he would probably only give you a gentle nudge when it was time to tell you that your butt was getting a tad too big for capris pants.

    We got one of our dogs from a gay couple and, let me tell you, that dog’s teeth were cleaner than the fangs in my 11-year old son’s mouth. Her coat was clean and her nails were trimmed. Those gay “mens” know how to keep the doggies in tip-top shape, so if LJ turns out to bat for the other team, he’ll probably come equipped with the skills to keep you, in your old age, from leaving the house in mis-matched shoes…or one of those sad snap-up-the-front housedresses.

  2. Tammy
    November 25th, 2005 16:30
    2

    I keep saying my son is going to be gay, and it makes Hubby nuts. But the boy loves dolls, housecleaning, and dressing up! I think the writing’s on the wall!

  3. clickmom
    November 25th, 2005 17:26
    3

    I worry about my middle son, he’s 8. He pays meticulous attention to how he dresses, asks “Do I look fat in this?”, spends 10 minutes blow drying and gelling his hair after a shower and…..well, it goes on and on. I am praying for metro sexual, because dammit I want grand kids!

  4. fuzzystartsover
    November 25th, 2005 20:57
    4

    Every conservative condemns the gays on the basis that it is “sin” as if they are Jesus clones without sin. Hmmm.

  5. Torrie
    November 25th, 2005 22:54
    5

    Seriously, stop invading my brain.
    The husband and I have had conversations about how we actually hope our child is gay because we’d be so OK with it.

    p.s. Your email is all screwy I didn’t get the emails you sent me until 2 days later. Did you get the emails I sent you?

  6. Karen Rani
    November 25th, 2005 23:04
    6

    WICKED! I hope you get your wish.
    Karen

  7. Karin
    November 25th, 2005 23:14
    7

    I highly recommend Queer as Folk as well. For you, as well as LJ. Wow on the eye candy. :D

  8. Crystal
    November 26th, 2005 00:37
    8

    Rock on! It doesn’t matter to us if our son is straight or gay, I just hope he stops drooling on himself long enough to get laid! (Keep in mind he’s 3.5 years old, and still drools ALL THE TIME.) Plus, he’s dance moves are quite comical, so they aren’t going to help his game. I’m just sayin’…

  9. old horsetail snake
    November 26th, 2005 00:44
    9

    I found your site listed at Synaptic Interlude (Surfie, of “Twin Peaks”, Texas. She mentions posting on a “secondary site” about her father, who is afflicted with PSP. Would you happen to know how to reach her? My wife recently died of PSP and I’d sort of like to help Surfie, if I can. If you don’t got a clue, no biggie. Thanks.

  10. Cissy
    November 26th, 2005 09:49
    10

    Hmmm, interesting. But you know straight men can like artsy stuff too, and gay men are sometimes just tough old biker guys who just like guys. Metrosexuals abound. My son decorates he and his wife’s house. My husband cooks, and loves organic anything. I call on both for advice on decorating for the holidays etc. And they both still do annoying guy things like constantly watching football, drinking too much beer, burping loudly and knowing what make and model of every car on the street — and sometimes scarily — even what day of the week it was built.

  11. coolbeans
    November 26th, 2005 10:29
    11

    Do metrosexuals fart around other people?

    I’m really tired of the farting.

  12. Curly Girl
    November 26th, 2005 11:08
    12

    if lj turns out to be gay, i will so take him shopping and then out for martinis and bad pop disco music.

  13. Jill
    November 26th, 2005 21:53
    13

    Dosen’t matter who you love, as long as you have good taste.

  14. Susan
    November 26th, 2005 22:07
    14

    We need to get together after Jizzy gets here–Charlie would love to teach him to style your hair, or maybe make and serve him some ‘petend’ food in the pink and blue play kitchen. Or show him my shoes (he likes the ‘pretty’ ones the best). Oh, and he might even share his tiara. Then they could play with Hot Wheels cars–Charlie likes the convertables, preferably in pretty colors.

    Gay sons rock.

  15. denise
    November 26th, 2005 23:10
    15

    haha. does the hubby share the hope for lil jizzy to be metro or gay?

  16. Y
    November 26th, 2005 23:24
    16

    When Ethan was 5, he was totally was going to make girls pretty” for a living.

    He’s undecided now that he’s 8, but he LOVES doing hair. He’s so NOT gay, he loves the ladies wayyyy too much, BUT.. he’s totally not ashamed or afraid to express his “Feminine side” and I LOVE him for that.

  17. Happay
    November 27th, 2005 09:18
    17

    I’ve been known to suggest that my son will be a gay poet. He’s the most loveable, huggable toddler I have ever know. I think he’s sensitive. That and he likes to give the 2 year old neighbor kisses.

  18. kristine
    November 27th, 2005 13:29
    18

    So you’re giving birth to my fiancee? Aside from the make up…I would say he’s metrosexual.

    I guess that sounds so much better than saying, “hey you with the bitch like hands, get over here!”

    Yes, I too can be more politically correct.

  19. lawbrat
    November 27th, 2005 16:07
    19

    I voiced some concern to my significant other about my 7 year old boy maybe being gay. He said…he had the same thought too. If he is, he is. I’m ok with that. His dad, would NOT so much be ok with that.

    He takes longer to shop than I do. Always finding the ‘right’ shirt, or whatever. He picks out my shoes. I kid you not. I love shoes. I think I have an unhealthy obsession, but I can deal with that. But my son will tell me when shoes dont go with what I’m wearing, and tell me to wear another pair. He is usually correct. So, if little jizzy dosent like to shop, you can borrow my little one sometimes to shop with you. :-)

  20. Dawn
    November 27th, 2005 21:08
    20

    I told my mother that I had hoped my sister would be gay, cause then my mother would have the liberal trifecta - The one daughter with the black husband, the unmarried son who is not gay but has no plans to get married, and the gay daughter.

    Sadly, my sister just moved in with a guy, so my hopes are dashed.

    Recently my daughter had a big discussion with a neighbor girl.
    NG: Girls can’t marry girls!
    Em: Yes they can, my mom’s friend Pilar got married to Jenny and they both wore wedding dresses! Do you want to see the picture?
    NG: Well they can’t have babies, they have no daddy!
    Em: Yes, My friend Zoe has two mom’s AND a baby brother. You can marry whoever you love.

    I am listening in the door way and thinking “YEAH EMILY!! ”

    But may I say that as a Native born West Virginian, it has been a long uphill battle. I feel your pain. And my 35 1st cousins stand with your family on this one.

    Oh, and read a book? I roared with laughter at that comment. May Tula get the most demonic child ev-eh!

  21. Autumn
    November 27th, 2005 22:37
    21

    Oh….keep breeding and you’ll have the 7 dwarves. And you’ll send them to work in a mine everyday, and they’ll come home wanting supper and a bed to sleep in.

    Trust me, Snow White.

  22. Mir
    November 28th, 2005 08:29
    22

    Damn, that reminds me that I meant to take a picture of my son in his sister’s unitard for you this weekend. He wore it all day Saturday, telling me it was “his most favorite comfiest outfit.” I thought about having the “there’s a time and a place for spandex” talk with him, but then thought better of it.

  23. Debbie
    November 28th, 2005 10:52
    23

    If I wished for a gay son then my luck would have it that he would still scratch his balls, burp, fart and walk around the house naked. You know, Gay without Benefits.

  24. Bob
    November 28th, 2005 22:14
    24

    Wow, you could cut the unguided missiles of mistaken estrogenic toleration in here with a mustard knife, I’m so sorry, but this collective notion of HOW SWEET AND CUTE IT WOULD BE IF THIS LIL BABY BOY GREW UP ALL GIRLISH AND NOT A FARTING PIGLET LIKE HIS DADDY WAS is just silly and destined for deep disappointment, girls. Little T-Dog ain’t gonna never put yer hair up, ain’t never gonna giggle and gossip about Aunt Jessie and her new boyfriend “Snake” no no no. If you want a BABY GIRL then you should have married a guy with a tiny penis as shallow shooters make girls. You can’t have it both ways. It’s just selfish.

  25. Bob
    November 28th, 2005 22:16
    25

    By the way, I have two boys. I have my boner fides. Get it?

  26. sarcastic journalist
    November 28th, 2005 23:07
    26

    You can have your cake and eat it, too. And, hopefully, our gay sons will make it.

    Bob is just jealous because he’s been spending too much time pretending to be a girl (A’la Silence of the Lambs) by tucking his boy bits back.

    It’s okay bob. your secret is safe with us.

  27. Arianne
    November 29th, 2005 00:15
    27

    I saw a recent “Everybody Hates Chris” where the mom just didn’t want them selling drugs. They did a bit where the cops brought Chris to the door and told his mom he had shot the mayor and set something on fire and her response was, “Did he sell drugs? No? Get in here boy.” She was fine with him as long as he wasn’t sellin drugs!

    I named my son Jamie, so according to my Hair stylist I’ve already sent him down the gay path. Apparently Jamie for a boy is SO gay. Who knew? He also has beautiful curly hair that I refuse to cut, and at this point if he’s no wearing green camo or talking shakespeare (they had long wavy hair, you see), people think he’s a girl.

    As for Bob, any man making a comment with “estrogenic” in it is destined for a good bitch slap. Seems tucking his manly bits has cut off oxygen to his brain. Get it?

    How does such a brilliant man account for families with one dad, a daughter AND a son?

  28. Torrie
    November 29th, 2005 09:50
    28

    Put the lotion in the basket.

  29. Shrinking Violet
    November 29th, 2005 17:07
    29

    As Karen says on “Will & Grace”….”He’ll keep you away from chiffon and backlighting”! My husband knows that if he dies before me, I’ll be living with a gay man before his body gets cold!

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