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A dedicatin’ we will go

I found out on Friday afternoon that we were supposed to attend a dinner at church for our child’s baby dedication. I signed up for the dedication about a month or so ago, via phone, during those precious few moments when my child is not causing me or anyone else bodily harm.

I knew something of the dinner but really, I didn’t think much of it. I thought of it as a “getting to know your fellow baby dedicatin’ parents before the real event.”

Um. No. Turns out that Friday was the actual baby dedication. I found it out Friday afternoon, after it was too late to invite anyone because ha! Food had been ordered and plates had been set and things were already getting put together.

So, basically, we were the only people that showed up at the dedication without any family in attendance. I worried about this on the way there because I had a feeling we would get set at a table with people we don’t know.

I would assume most people wouldn’t have a problem with this, but I do. I don’t do well sitting around people I don’t know. I don’t do silences. I turn “silence” into “awkward silence” and the next thing I know, I’m saying very inappropriate things to people that only wanted to talk about the weather.

It happens all the time. We’re sitting there and I open my mouth and out comes things that one should only discuss with their doctor or the people who produce shows on The Discovery Channel.

We ended up at the table with The Pastor and His Wife. This is the guy who married us back in 2002. He’s really nice and personable and his wife is just so cute, but, you know, they’re Holy People and I run a website called “Shenuts.com.”

Next thing I know, The Hubs and I are having a conversation in code about Ellie’s poops. You would think we were describing secret plans to bomb a village in Iraq, the way we were using words. I’m not exactly sure why we were discussing poop. The only thing I could figure out is that we’re married and we’re parents and uh, well, we don’t really get out too much anymore.

On Saturday night, The Hubs and I drop off Miss E at my Mom’s house to head out for my pre-birthday dinner.

We head into Houston to eat at a Mexican restaurant. Not long after getting there, I mention how my nose is running. So is his. Then I bring up the idea of us rubbing our snotty noses together so we can be snot brothers. You know, like blood brothers?

The romance, it is there, Internet. Can’t you just FEEL it?

He later tells me, over cake at a dessert place that he’s pretty sure its not okay to have a finger in your nose anytime in public, even if it is covered with a tissue.

Its not like I was PICKING my nose, I was just trying to stop the snot. You can’t eat cake with snot, people!

I’m not sure why I even listen to him, Internet. Right after that, he said “Hey SJ listen to this,” lifted his bottom up and farted.

While at the table. (There was hardly anyone in the place.)

I know that I can do these types of things with my husband. I mean, hello, I’m married to him so I own him. If I want to sit on him in public and fart, well, I can.

But I guess that other people may not find it as cute as he does.

Perhaps that explains the look on my Mom’s face when I announced while in line at a cafeteria-style restaurant today that her boobs looked really nice. Only problem? We were in front of her inlaws. And many, many other people that we did not know that seemed a little shocked that I would ask my Mom if she was, in fact, wearing a new bra.

But grandpa summed it up the best. “I guess its good to be in a family where you can just say what you want.”

Yes, gramps, it is. It is. If you can’t talk about yo mama’s titties, then what’s there to talk about?

16 Responses to “A dedicatin’ we will go”

  1. Susan
    November 21st, 2005 00:03
    1

    What else is there to talk about? Out here in Iowa, my family can talk about warshers and dishwarshers and warshing dishes til the flippin’ cows come home. Drives me insane. I’d compliment my mothers teets, but they blend into het stomach so she’d know I was lying.

  2. Karen Rani
    November 21st, 2005 00:28
    2

    Holy crapballs I love your blog. DO you realize that once the baby is born, Ellie could call your family Miss E Ellie’s Lot? Say it fast. Yeah I know, I should go to bed.
    Thanks for linking me babe - I am in the process of redesigning my site from a blogspot to sumpin’ else, so I’ll do you later. Woo! Kinky!
    LOL!
    Okay okay…….I’m going to bed.
    Karen

  3. laura
    November 21st, 2005 04:34
    3

    i think that’s great. i get so nervous during lulls in conversation, i always end up saying something that makes me appear socially retarded. it’s really special now that i have started dating again. on my last date, i actually took it a step further and did the robot at the dinner table.

    i think i will be going on many more first dates.

  4. Karyn
    November 21st, 2005 08:25
    4

    I can’t even say tampon in front of my Mum. My husband is the king of conversation silence - he launches into his talking because silence is a killer routine, and OMG the crap he comes out with. Funniest thing is - 99 times out of 100 he’s talking long distance to his parents, on their dime.

  5. MamaQ
    November 21st, 2005 09:06
    5

    You need to join my friend Scott’s church, he’s pastor of a church in Waco. (No, not THAT church). His wife is a good friend of mine and would totally talk about poop and nose-picking with you.

  6. yonzie
    November 21st, 2005 09:19
    6

    What backasswards church has a baby dedication on Friday? Sunday morning, people, is the ritual.

  7. coolbeans
    November 21st, 2005 09:48
    7

    I want to give a shout-out to your mom’s boobs. And I want to dedicate the Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” to them. YAY!

  8. Surcie
    November 21st, 2005 10:38
    8

    SJ, my husband is a pastor, which makes me a pastor’s wife. Even though I am holy (HEE! HO! HA!), I read your blog regularly and enjoy it quite a lot.

  9. wordgirl
    November 21st, 2005 10:40
    9

    I can say “tampon” in front of my mother. I can also say”boobs”. Our danger zones are politics and religion, which we’ve been trying really hard to avoid lately.

    I remember those baby dedications. Back then my kids had four living and functioning great-grandparents! And they were all there! The tension came–somewhat–because I was raised in a church that prohibited female leadership. The church we attend now has female EVERYTHING. It was strange for them.

    The small talk thing is a killer, because I refuse to engage in BS conversation. You know—when someone tells you that they think you haven’t changed since high school, but you both know that they’re lying? Small talk without BS is dead talk. That’s why it’s so awful.

  10. Y
    November 21st, 2005 11:07
    10

    Ew. GROSS.

    I can’t talk to my mom about ANYTHING body related. Like, she once tried to have a “vagina” conversation with me and I literally dry heaved.

  11. Stacy
    November 21st, 2005 11:30
    11

    Snort! If I was drinking milk it’d be spraying out of my nose. Your blog is like jr. high all over again….talking about all the things “polite” society ignores….poop, fart, booger, belch and puke….hee, hee….it’s so liberating.

  12. Murrye
    November 21st, 2005 11:31
    12

    was your birthday yesterday?? (you said you went out sat. for your pre-birthday dinner). if so, our bdays are the same day!

  13. Teresa
    November 21st, 2005 12:03
    13

    As we’re currently “shacking up” in my mom’s basement and saving for a “real” house (mom’s *is* a huge house, so not quite as pathetic ans loser-ish as it sounds), and I’m currently nursing the baby, the boobs are a non-issue anymore! I bought a pair of boots a few weeks ago, and when mom asked to see them, I thought she said “boobs” insteand of “boots” and my reply was, “Mom, you see them like, 5 times a day!!’ Then I realized what she’d actually said, and felt kinda’ dumb. Much I like do presently upon recognizing that 1) This story doesn’t lend itself well to internet telling and 2) I’m making very innapropriate conversation with strangers.

    Ooops.

  14. Chrissy
    November 21st, 2005 14:08
    14

    Your blog brings me such joy, I can’t even express how grateful I am for it. I have two girls,6 & 10, and somehow they don’t quite sate my appetite for inappropriate discussion with their own talk of farts, poop and snot. So, you give me that extra little sumpin’ sumpin’ that keeps me going.

    Thank you much!

  15. clickmom
    November 21st, 2005 14:23
    15

    I share your “my life is an open book” policy but manage to always turn it around and make the other people look freakish for not sharing too. Try it sometimes, much more gratifying.

  16. Girl
    November 21st, 2005 15:05
    16

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d be pleased as punch if anyone told me my titties were looking good.

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