Another reason to use birth control.

A day in the life of a pregnant SAHM of a 16-month-old.

8:13 am: Awake to sounds of “mama” filled with babbling.
8:14 am: Drag overly alert child to living room, place in port-a-crib with bottle, turn on that Blasted Barney, and head back to bed.
8:40 am: She’s had enough of Caillou and screams. I enter living room. Put her on couch with me, and fall asleep.
9:15 am: I awake to the fact that she is trying to untangle the knots in my hair.
9:20 am: I awake again to find that she has now brought me her humidifier, which is oddly empty.
9:21 am: Find out that she has also brought me stuffed animals that went swimming in said humidifier.
9:22 am: Guess the carpet needed a washing as well. Carpet soaked in water.
9:30-10am: Damage control.
10:10 am: Try to make breakfast during commercial of “The View.”
10:11 am: The Hubs decided to hard boil all our eggs. Give her hard boiled egg.
10:12 am: She throws eggs across living room while I try to figure out what’s wrong with the coffee maker.
10:13 am: Damage control while she laughs from her high chair. Notice that Star Jones should really cross her legs when wearing a skirt.
10:50 am: Breakfast finally finished. Drug child, change diaper and place in bed for nap.
11:20 am: Guess who crapped while in bed?
11:45 am: Okay. She’s not going to sleep. Bring her to living room to watch “What Not to Wear.”
12:15 pm: Put her back in bed after a little cough medicine.
12:30 pm: Still not sleeping. Still pissed.
12: 45 pm: Take her out of bed. Go into kitchen to clean off high chair for lunch. Remember humidifier is still out.
12:46 pm: Someone is giving herself a bath in the humidifier.
1 pm: Go to bathroom. While in there for one minute, child manages to climb behind Armoire and get into fireplace.
1:05pm: Child will not leave fireplace. Make call to The Hubs. Leave message.
1:10 pm: Pick up toys. Child exits fireplace. Child now covered in soot. Starting to look like dirty, snot-nosed child from Third World Country.
1:15 pm: Lunch.
1:30 pm: Diaper changing wrestling time. Drop all the wipes left behind the drier.
1:40 pm: Child finally stops screaming.
1:50 pm: Take a shower.
1:55 pm: Realize I will have two children under two in 11 or so weeks.
1:56 pm: Realize I will be able to drink alcohol in 11 or so weeks. Plan on becoming an alcoholic.
2:10 pm: Take a nap.
3:55 pm: Awake to screaming child.
4:15 pm: Find trail of apple bits throughout house. Damage control.
4:30 pm: Unload dishwasher.
4:45 pm: Ants! In the kitchen!
5:10 pm: Child gets put in time out.
5:11 pm: The Hubs comes home, gives child cracker.
5:22 pm: Find smooshed up cracker on my side of bed.
5:30 pm: Go on walk. Uterus feels like it is only falling out of half of my crotch.
6:00 pm: Target. Child takes everything off shelves and into our cart.
6:30 pm: Grocery store. Child demands grapes.
7:00 pm: Dinner. Child throws more food.
7:43 pm: Child in time out again.
8:00 pm: Tantrum. Again.
8:15 pm: Bribing with Tofu Ice Cream so we can watch CSI.
8:30 pm: SJ sits on toilet, meanwhile, The Child tries to climb into the (half-full) bathtub with her clothes still on.
9:00 pm: Bedtime arrives. Child suddenly becomes sweet. Suckers The Hubs into letting her stay up.
9:30 pm: SJ begging for cookies. Demands for Child to go to bed.
9:40 pm: Child into bed. Sj eats cookies. The world is safe for another day.

17 Responses to “Another reason to use birth control.”

  1. Susan
    November 18th, 2005 00:27

    9:45pm: Child Terrorist types morse code to the Jihad with news of another failed mission. Will try again tomorrow.

  2. Steph.
    November 18th, 2005 00:35

    Oh, man! What Not to Wear is on that early? COOL!

  3. Dani
    November 18th, 2005 08:41

    Hang in there. I also had two kids under the age of two…I couldn’t have gotten through it without my friends.

    Recently though I finally hit a new, abosultely amazing milestone: they actually play with each other. That’s right. I’ve even gone so far as to curl up on the couch with book and glass of wine and watch them run aournd the house entertaining themselves. I could’ve cried I was so relieved.

  4. gorillabuns
    November 18th, 2005 08:51

    completely understand your day. i have 2, 19 months apart and yes, i became an alcoholic soon after the birth of my second.

  5. whoorl
    November 18th, 2005 09:28

    and i want to get preggers?!

  6. yonzie
    November 18th, 2005 09:49

    Love that Susan.

  7. Dawn
    November 18th, 2005 10:20

    Want until the child terrorist technique moves from the screaming to the more subtle but no less grating:”Mama, Mama, Mama, Can I have some dessert? Can I ? Can I have some dessert? How bout now? Now can I have some dessert? No? Now? Can I? Mama? Mama?

  8. wordgirl
    November 18th, 2005 10:49

    Two under the age of 25 months. Both boys. I feel your pain, really I do. This, too, shall pass. I kept a journal in those days and it’s a real eye-opener. My two (followed by another boy four years later) were into EVERYTHING! And now? They’re a sophomore and junior in high school. They drive. We’re looking at colleges. And neither seem to remember who they were when they dragged out the can of Crisco all those years ago and massaged it into the carpsets, the tv screen and each other. Oh…to have one of those days back. Believe it or not, no matter how horrible these days are (positively soul-killing), they’ll look sweet next to the prospect of saying goodbye to them on some far-off college campus. The days are long, but the years are short!

  9. david
    November 18th, 2005 11:05

    wow - and how did you keep track of all that?
    I am of an inferior gender who could not pull off
    half of that. if it were up to men to raise the babies,
    our kind would have vanished with the dinosaurs.
    in 18 years you will be so proud as the graduate, it will all almost be worth it

  10. coolbeans
    November 18th, 2005 11:25


    She’s coming along nicely.

  11. Surcie
    November 18th, 2005 11:52

    That’s a difficult day, even when you’re not pregnant. I hope you’re getting lots of hugs.

  12. Torrie
    November 18th, 2005 11:59

    Are you trying to convince me not to get pregnant? ‘Cause you’re doing a really good job.

  13. Sarah
    November 18th, 2005 11:59

    I feel for you. Mine are farther apart, but when I was preg. with #2 there were days when I thought about tying #1 up in front of the TV while I took a nap.

    One a better note, 10 month old started following 3 1/2 year old around yesterday. They were playing hide and go seek or something…

  14. Corrie
    November 18th, 2005 12:02

    Can I join your alcoholic club? I got nine weeks to go and I will have THREE kids under the age of four. I seriously get dry heaves thinking about it. I think I uterus at Target last night…

  15. clickmom
    November 18th, 2005 14:46

    Hey SJ- guess what, TOO LATE!

  16. Erin
    November 18th, 2005 17:29

    That day sounds strangely like mine, except we don’t have a fireplace and I don’t watch the View. But substitute “Ellen” and “dryer” (not in that order) and yeah, we’ve living the same life right now.

  17. mixedupmama
    November 18th, 2005 21:24

    and when do you have time for the net?

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