Vagina Junction, What’s Your Function?

…Taking in sperm and spitting out babies!

Hey everyone! It’s the latest installment of “What’s up with SJ’s crotch?” brought to you by the good people at United Healthcare.

Really, I didn’t plan on writing anymore but you know, I keep getting emails from people so I guess I shouldn’t leave you hanging, Internet.

Okay, so long story short. I have made calls to Customer Service, Customer Care, the HR department at The Hubs’ company and The Crab People. (Yes, I am aware that I have now referred to both South Park AND The Family Guy in this little post. Sue me.) I have also made calls to the birthing center as well.

Insurance company: Lies, lies, lies. False promises. We don’t know what we’re talking about.
HR Lady: Calls, calls and more calls. Finds the lies. Finds the false promises. Apologizes for not being able to help.
Birthing center: The insurance company is full of lies and false promises.

I have pretty much exhausted every option. I’m currently working on my last option, which is a letter that uses “legal-type” words that really don’t make much sense to me. Objection! Jurisdiction! Mandate! Electric Chair!

Basically, if the Insurance People say “no” to this letter, well, I’d be beating a dead horse.

Going on to the Birthing Center. They are willing to help set up a payment plan, but they still want their money by my 36th week. I understand. They’re a little place, trying to pay their bills and get by in the world. They need their money. Still, it adds up to $1700, payment plan or not. It is not in their policy to do sliding scales for people who show up late in the pregnancy. That’s fine. Again, I understand.

The hospital: Does not do water births. The insurance company: Does not cover any midwives (practicing on their own) in our area. Of course, why would they? They’re too busy playing circle jerk with the hospital!

The deal is, I know the hospital is nice. I’ve seen it. I’m sure there are plenty of nice little ladies in there that would love to look at my cootch. But? I just don’t want to be at the hospital. I’ve done it and well, I’d like to leave it at that. I wanted a different experience this time, considering this is our last kid. I wanted to do things MY way and My way does not include laying prostrate on a birthing table while a marching band of 50 nurses dances around my bed.

So, you see the Ads to your right. I cringe at the ads. I hide my head at the ads. I do not think the ads will help much. I’ve been getting “put up a damn paypal” emails. Again, I am cringing. Not because I know that some of you don’t want to help, but I want you to use your money to do your thing and not feel like giving chairty to some idiot that just can’t suck it up and show her cootch at the hospital.

Once I found out for sure yesterday that things were going down the crapper, I started to feel nausious. Seriously. Felt like vomiting when I thought of The Hospital. But then, there’s a part of me that reminds myself that hey, I wanted cloth diapers and hey, I have to go to that “Mothers of Multiples” sale on Friday to buy a used bassinet and used bouncy chair for LJ.

That part of me is also begging for a haircut.

She also wants this diaper bag because her white one got covered in some nasty brown paint that, ha, resembles poo.

Even though my decision has pretty much been made for me, I am still feeling hesitant. So, really, I don’t know what’s going on yet. I guess, if for some reason, a Paypal link appears, well, I’m a sellout and will be trying the birth center route.

Until then, I will continue on with my Mantra. “I hate rich people. (Okay, wait. Not you if YOU are rich. You’re pretty. The “other” rich people.) I hate people with good insurance. I hate doctors.”

Therefore, I really hate rich doctors with good insurance.


  1. Why not just have the baby at home? Gazillions of our ancestors did it. Who needs a doula or midwife? Cozy up in your bathtub with a margarita and wait for the fun to begin!

    Comment by mrtl — 11/15/2005 @ 1:06 pm

  2. Hee…you quoted Family Guy! Ok, I just had to express my excitement on that one. Ok, back to reading your posts…

    Comment by Erica — 11/15/2005 @ 2:12 pm

  3. i fucking hate United Healthcare.
    i know how you feel.

    Comment by amp — 11/15/2005 @ 2:35 pm

  4. Man, a white diaper bag splattered with brown paint that looks like poo is so authentic! You should visit all the local high schools with it – I bet it would serve as an excellent deterrent against 14 year olds having babies! But obviously, tell them all it really IS poo.

    Comment by Nothing But Bonfires — 11/15/2005 @ 3:18 pm

  5. SJ- Frequent reader, here just south of WPL (central Houston). Maybe UHC would have different policies if you decided to deliver the baby right there in their “Customer Service” Department?!! Have you tried the Motherhood Center? They have lots of resources and might be able to negotiate for you?

    Comment by elb — 11/15/2005 @ 3:23 pm

  6. Ugh. Stupid insurance companies. If they would just wake up and realize that they would SAVE A LOT OF MONEY by offering to cover alternative birthing options… I just don’t know why they can’t wrap their heads around that. Hmmm, pay for a $6000 - $10,000 hospital birth or fork over $1700 - $2800 for a birth center or a home birth midwife birth. Um, stupid much?

    Anyway, the payment plans aren’t bad - we paid out of pocket for our $1400 midwife in Utah and again for the $2400 midwife here - both needed full payment by the 36th week so that’s pretty standard, but with the payment plan it wasn’t bad.

    Comment by Very Mom — 11/15/2005 @ 4:43 pm

  7. I have a hot tub. You know where I live. Free.

    Comment by Debbie — 11/15/2005 @ 4:55 pm

  8. Come on over to my house. Jet tub. Vinyl gloves to do dishes with. Clean towels. boiling water. two kids to help calm your nerves, lots of entertainment. hubby that watches college football all day on saturdays, make it a saturday, yea. dog that licks its ass. clean house, mostly. and best of all. free.

    Comment by Aimee — 11/15/2005 @ 5:22 pm

  9. I hate insurance companies too, and would totally help you out (as a matter of fact I am going to do some serious ad clicking when I finish with this comment) if you put up a pay pal account, and I would be helping you out because IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE A SAFE GENTLE BIRTH CENTER BIRTH and that is what I want you to have despite the insurance company. When I wanted to have my home birth, I was able to and didn’t have to worry about what the insurance didn’t pay, so the least I can do is pass along a little support in the way that you need it. And you need some cash, so while I am clicking ads get to work on the PP account.

    Comment by clickmom — 11/15/2005 @ 6:02 pm

  10. I totally and absolutely hate to say this, but insurance is a benefit and not a right. I live in Ren-Ville, and our insurance says that we must use Methodist Willowbrook. That’s 22 miles - one way. I had to take my husband in severe pain with acute appendicitis there last year.

    Unfortunately, that’s just life these days. You are LUCKY to have insurance at a reasonable rate to afford to stay at home and have two children. Really.

    We pay 950.00 per month for HMO (full coverage/no dental) for a family of 4. Our co-pay is 20.00 for the doctor and 20.00 for generic meds and 40.00 for brand meds. Off formulary- forget about it - there is just no way.

    You can definitely make it to the birthing center 50 miles away, either that or go to the hospital. But certainly, get off the pitty potty and be thankful for what you DO have.

    I’m sorry, SJ, but this ain’t Kansas anymore. You are facing the reality of having a family and tough choices. Look at Auty, her husband, and their 3 kids- they are a prime example of choice versus sacrifice.

    Peace and good luck in your choice(s).

    Comment by Surfie — 11/15/2005 @ 6:47 pm

  11. access to healthcare that meets your needs (whether it be a decent hospital or a nearby birthing center) *IS* a basic human right and currently a huge portion of our population is denied that right. which sucks. a lot.

    surfie, i’m sorry that you and your family have to use a hospital that is far away from your home. that’s really unfair. also unfair is telling someone else that they have no right to be upset about their crappy insurance because other people have it bad too. that’s a GREAT reason to be pissed off about it – the more people who are pissed off about insurance companies, the more likely things are to change.

    &SJ? set up a paypal account if you want. that’s not selling out. you’re not MAKING people give you money; if people donate, it’s because they care about you and want this birth to be the best experience possible. and i hope it is. good luck with everything.

    Comment by tracy — 11/15/2005 @ 8:22 pm

  12. (((Hugs))) and I love the diaper bag.

    Comment by Mabel — 11/15/2005 @ 8:23 pm

  13. I have to agree with Tracy. Just because someone else has it worse than you doesn’t mean you can’t be unhappy with your situation. That’s like telling me I should be glad that I’m just fat and not 1000+ lbs. and housebound. All that does is say that you don’t think my feelings are valid. Try telling yourself that next time you’re upset about something and perhaps you’ll understand a little better. But enough about that.

    SJ, you have every right in this world to have the kind of childbirth you want to have. These are the biggest, most important days of your life, and it freaking sucks that insurance companies try to dictate how they play out. Hell, even if they weren’t huge life events, they’re still YOUR decisions to make. I hate the healthcare system here, and I feel your pain. I’ll click your ads every day if it’ll make a difference.

    Comment by Shylah — 11/15/2005 @ 8:33 pm

  14. I am sorry to hear about your insurance problems and you are right to be upset with the insurance rates and policies. I don’t believe it’s a god-given right but also don’t think that it’s reasonable to charge $900 per month for basically worthless service. If people like you don’t continue to write about the stupidity of these policies things will never change. There are many inefficiencies in the health care system and a lot of powerful entities that have a lot to lose if people started using some of the lower cost alternatives to many things.

    I still think you should do a “best of SJ” summary book from the last couple of years and put it up for sale. I’d love to buy one for my wife and possibly a few other people for Christmas. Like I said before I’m not a regular reader but do read your blog every now and then when I have time. I think you do a fantastic job.

    FYI - I did some ad clicking though I don’t know how much you get for the insurance ads but hope it helps. Putting up a “Donate” button is not selling out though I completely respect that you don’t want to go that direction. I’ve got to believe that you have a good following and you definately have some talent. You should not feel guilty about trying to make money off of your talent.



    Comment by David Brown — 11/15/2005 @ 8:34 pm

  15. Hey sellout, you know how much time you’d save me by putting up the Paypal link? What is it, like 33 clicks to get a dollar for the ads? I’m sending you a check, then.

    I have a bouncy seat and bassinet. No idea how you’d get the bassinet home, but well money is money, honey. We’ll get you to that damn birthing center, if it’s the last thing we do, dammit!

    Start clicking people!

    Comment by ieatcrayonz — 11/15/2005 @ 8:58 pm

  16. i am going to get my ass kicked for this dud. i am all about letting people advertise on your site. all about it. but the pay pal thing? not so much. i think it’s wonderful if people want to send you money (you know i would if i wasn’t so broke) but when i see pay pals on people’s sites for things like this it works my nerves. it’s like if i were to ask people to donate money so that i won’t be in 80,000 of debt when i get out of school. shudder. (please remember that i’m also all about empowering women and i want you to give birth in the way you choose to) don’t give up hope. you will find a way. also it sounds like there are a lot of people who are going to donate money to the birthing cause. which is awesome. dud these things have a way of working out. keep your chin up (and your chest out proud like)

    Comment by Curly Girl — 11/15/2005 @ 9:09 pm

  17. I just clicked on each ad and I will continue to do so…and I never click on ads. But SJ, what you do every day, by being a mom and living and keeping a wonderful sense of humor and getting through two pregnancies is so BRAVE and NOBLE. I fear having children and staying home with them because I respect it so much and I wouldn’t be able to measure up to people like you. And pregnancy and labor are such huge things…there should be no reason that you can’t have things the way that they are best for you. Why is such a wonderufl thing turned into such a cold, sterile thing that’s run by an industry? For all you do as a mom, you DO have a right to a gentle and caring environment in which to have your baby. That’s why I really wish you would do PayPal (though I understand your reasons against it), or else consider emailing me your address so that I could make a meager donation. It would make me feel a lot better. And if not, I respect that and you have 100% support from me.

    Comment by LCA — 11/15/2005 @ 9:20 pm

  18. yeah, insurance companies suck. i know this sound small in comparision, but our last insurance company wouldn’t cover my husbands a.d.d. meds because “adults don’t get a.d.d.". that meant $120/month we couldn’t afford. long story short, we were standing with our mouths hanging open when we got our new insurance and they actually covered it.

    with that said, american health care is NOT fair, and it makes no sense whatsoever. if people like us didn’t complain things is never gonna change. it still might not, but hey, at least we’re trying.

    i’m off to do some clicking. good luck!

    Comment by karyn — 11/15/2005 @ 9:40 pm

  19. Are the ads invisible? ‘Cause I can’t see them. But I’m 40 now so it COULD just be my eyes failing.

    Sorry about insurance. I disagree with the ‘priviledge’ person a bit. I don’t mind paying for it, but when it’s so fucking bureaucratic that they can’t seem to make a sensible decision to save their LIVES, I feel we have every right to complain about how fucked up it’s gotten.

    Am I allowed to say fuck in your comments ‘cause I’ve done in THRICE now (thrice is one of those words I feel the need to use a British accent on even though I’m from Misery, um, I mean MISSOURI).

    I have an idea – push little jizzy out at home and then send the insurance company a bill for $4,700.00 for use of your property for a medical procedure. Make it even more interesting and put them in the middle of a HUGE war between you, the customer, and you, the premisis provider. Fight it tooth and nail from both sides. They won’t know what hit them and at LEAST you’ll have the satisfaction of a little quid pro quo.

    Comment by JustLinda — 11/15/2005 @ 9:50 pm

  20. Dude. As long as LJ is cool with pink trim, come borrow our bassinet. Plus we also have a cool bouncy seat you can borrow, and other stuff. Come see. NOt that that will adress the whole birth place issue. What can I say? It sucks to live ina country that thinks nothing of spending BILLIONS OF DOLLARS on a war, but can’t afford its citizens basic healthcare…which escalates into unbelievably expensive healthcare for all of us.

    PS. The MOMS sale is awesome….I cleaned up last year for Nell.

    Comment by casemnor — 11/15/2005 @ 10:04 pm

  21. i want to click on the ads, but i dont see ‘em

    Comment by Curly Girl — 11/15/2005 @ 10:56 pm

  22. Put up the damned paypal already. I’m ready to pay up because I want you to be able to give birth wherever you want to.

    Comment by RisibleGirl — 11/15/2005 @ 11:15 pm

  23. GIIRRRLLL! I know ALL ABOUT some crappy insurance! My hubby was in the military. I had to have a surgury or die. The doc. told me if I didn’t have this surgury I would die within 6 month. I have a rare heart disease. Anyways, I have 3 kids and did not want to check out of this life yet! Instead of the insurance covering me for this surgury, my husband got “out” of the military! He was in for 12 years, and all of a sudden I get sick and they tell him that they don’t need him anymore! WTF! He got an honorable discharge and I ended up with a heart surgury bill of $45,000! I went ahead and had it done. The doc. told me to do it anyways. SO, my moral of this TRUE story is, the military would of rather me of DIED then pay for my heart surgery! I still have the bill in the “bill drawer” of this desk, and refuse to pay any of it! I am here with my kids almost 2 years later. That is all that matters to me. So, I know how you feel. Do what you feel is best for you. It is your baby, and your body. I will support you and help you the best I can! Hang in there babe!

    Comment by Seglenda — 11/15/2005 @ 11:44 pm

  24. I used to be insured with United Healthcare. They suck monkey balls. I feel for you, girlfriend. Hopefully your legal mumbo-jumbo letter will do the trick.

    (and if it doesn’t do the trick, maybe you can go with a midwife at the hospital? I dunno.)

    Comment by dillygirl — 11/16/2005 @ 7:16 am

  25. If you can’t see the ads, please make sure you’re on the main page (no comments) and the scroll all the way down.

    Comment by yonzie — 11/16/2005 @ 9:38 am

  26. It’ll all work out. Maybe not the way we plan, but in its own way.

    I love the idea of a “best of SJ” book for purchase.

    Comment by coolbeans — 11/16/2005 @ 10:28 am

  27. If you were lying prostrate during your hospital delivery there may indeed have been something wrong with your hospital. I was pretty much supine when I delivered. ;^)

    That said, yes, insurance companies do suck: “Hey, pay us lots of money so we don’t have to give you what you really need!” Total suckage. I hope you do find a way to deliver at the birthing center, but regardless of where you go, that will be just one day of your life. Nothing happened according to my birth plan, and it was irritating at the time, but now it’s a distant memory. And kind of a funny story. But yeah, this stuff is a big deal when preparing to give birth, so…

    Um, what was the question? ;^)

    Comment by Beth — 11/16/2005 @ 10:52 am

  28. I just want to throw in my two cents about UHC and the healthcare “industry". UHC, in my lowly opinion, is a joke. They charge outrageous rates, increase them by over 20% every year and then basically laugh at you when you file a claim. When I see that Grisham movie with Matt Damon representing the family of the kid that died because Great Benefit’s policy was to initially deny all claims, I can’t help but think that that is actually common operating procedure for these corporations. What the hell was the name of that movie! Crap. Anyway, you get my drift. And no, I’m not bitter…much.

    My assvice after dealing with UHC for over two years to get a claim paid: keep calling and keep asking for a manager. And write down every person you speak with, the date, the time, length of the call and just be as anal as they’re being on their end so when you do get to talk to someone that has any power at all, you can point to specific contradictions/lies/assholes you had to deal with to get the service you have paid for.

    Sorry, didn’t mean to write a novel! I’ll shut up now. Eek.

    Comment by Dawners — 11/16/2005 @ 4:22 pm

  29. Dawner, was that move the Rainmaker?

    SJ, set up a PayPal button already. I want to help.

    Comment by Kateri — 11/17/2005 @ 11:29 am

  30. Have the baby at home and if anything happens dial 911. Seriously. I would come and deliver if you were closer, I have popped 3 out myself so I would consider myself qualified.

    Comment by Mrs. Strizzay — 11/17/2005 @ 1:23 pm

  31. EWWWW! Used to have United Healthcare. They suck balls, but I’m still having to fork over $1240 for the birth center with my new insurance. Luckily I made the switch at 12 weeks, so it wasn’t quite as bad of a financial strain. This little bugger better be worth it.

    Comment by Adrienne — 11/17/2005 @ 4:42 pm

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