The Hanger Just Seems Too Over-the-Top

There’s this magical part of pregnancy, which happens around the 28th week or so, that one hears about but doesn’t think much of. I call it the Late to Bed, Late to Rise phenomena. It happened with Ellie, but I blew it off as a fluke.

You see, at this point in my pregnancy with Ellie, I had just been fired for this little website. So, instead of going to bed early and waking up early, I shifted my sleeping patterns and started staying up late. You know, it can be pretty hard to fall asleep when you just keep asking yourself over and over “What have I done?”

So, I was kind of surprised when my recent natural bedtime went from 11pm to 1am. Every night, I lay in bed, on my side, trying to get comfortable. Eventually, after moving around and inevitably cutting off circulation to my left arm, I fall asleep.

Then, Ellie wakes up. Recently, she has taken to having some of the nastiest, foulest smelling diarrhea a person could gander. So, we wake up in the middle of the night to change her diaper. Even if I don’t get out of bed, I wake up and usually say something to The Hubs.

But you see, Internet, there’s not just three people awake now. No, there’s four of us.

Yup, Ellie also wakes up Little Jizzy.

In order for Miss E to go back to sleep, several things have to happen. First, she gets a bottle. Then, I must turn my head towards her. After that, she climbs on me, laying across my chest, snuggled under my chin.

Basically, she sleeps on my neck.

So I have one kid on me, sleeping on my neck, hitting me in the face with a cold bottle, and another beating the crap out of me from the inside. I can only imagine him saying things like “Damnit, woman! Can’t you see I’m sleeping in here?”

I can’t deal with the backtalk. I’ve already got one child here, abusing me. Two abusers? I don’t think so. That’s why I have got to nip this in the bud before it starts. I’m not going to let some fetus tell ME what to do.

If I say “Kick for Daddy,” he better kick for Daddy. If I think it is time for bed, well, I better not feel a peep until 9am.

I’ve got to start some form of discipline plan. Can I put him in time out? If he doesn’t stop kicking after I’ve been laying in bed for 20 minutes, aren’t there repercussions? I’m having troulbes thinking of ways to show him who is the Boss.

Even though he’ll probably yell “You’re not the boss of me” at least 40 times in my life, I am the boss right now.

Don’t make me whip out that hanger, young man. Because then, I’ll really mean it when I say “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”


  1. Has he started jumping on your bladder yet? That’s the best.

    Comment by Autumn — 11/13/2005 @ 11:44 pm

  2. hows about the dancing foot under the ribcage? had that yet? it’s HEAVEN.

    Comment by nine — 11/14/2005 @ 12:42 am

  3. Maybe you could spin around in circles til he gets dizzy?

    Comment by Chickie — 11/14/2005 @ 1:28 am

  4. Eat something really spicy, that’ll show him.

    Comment by Eulallia — 11/14/2005 @ 2:32 am

  5. No. More. WIRE HANGERS!

    Comment by robyn — 11/14/2005 @ 9:00 am

  6. heh. Chickie. “Dizzy Jizzy". i LOVE it. ok… back to my coffee. *yawn*

    Comment by nine — 11/14/2005 @ 9:22 am

  7. I would get my body pillow and lay on her to smoosh her to quiet the internal Mardi Gras. Then she came out and kicked my ass for the past 7 years straight. Who’s laughin now - bee-yatch!

    Comment by Dawn — 11/14/2005 @ 10:33 am

  8. Who’s the boss???

    Tony Danza?

    I don’t think so.

    You’re the boss!

    Comment by Torrie — 11/14/2005 @ 12:01 pm

  9. the smelly diarrhea thing could be the soy. for one, it definitely is digested easier and 2 it causes flatulence. i experimented with a couple different brands and finally found one that doesn’t cause it. good luck.

    Comment by michelle — 11/14/2005 @ 12:36 pm

  10. Maybe he’s practicing the Riverdance. That’ll be totally useful for Christmas concerts for the relatives five years from now. Or school plays.

    Comment by Nothing But Bonfires — 11/14/2005 @ 1:35 pm

  11. I hate to tell you this but my #2 woke me up doing a little shift/dance thing every night at 4am for the last 1/2 of my pregnancy and don’t you know, he was born and BOOM, every night at 4am Wah wah wah, feed me, hold me, love me.

    The good news is that he sleeps through the night alone now, it only took 8 years.

    Comment by clickmom — 11/14/2005 @ 2:03 pm

  12. Super Nanny would know what to do.

    Comment by Sara — 11/14/2005 @ 4:30 pm

  13. It’s the baby getting you ready for the cronic lack-of-sleep you’re going to live with for the next ywo years (minimum). Sorry.

    And, um, better you than me.

    Comment by kim — 11/15/2005 @ 3:52 am

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