Parental Gluttony

The problem with having Halloween on one day and then moving apartments the next is that it is hard to get your thoughts, pictures and well, self together in order to tell a story.

Thoughts? Not together. House? Not together. Pictures? Somewhere in a box. But, the show must go on.

Things were going well on Monday until The Rainstorm From Hell came in, just in time for Trick or Treating. Several people called me (and by several, I mean my Mom and The Hubs) and asked if we were still going Trick or Treating.

Me: “I don’t care if there is a hailstorm and five feet of water. We will canoe down the street for candy.”

In case you didn’t know, my big pregnancy cravings include candy and sweets. I will, in fact, eventually weigh 783 pounds! Woohoo!

So, back to Halloween. We head over to my Mom’s house, which is in a nice neighborhood where rich people with big houses have small children and stuff. Eventually, we decide it is time to go out and pimp our child for candy.

Me: “Ellie, do you want to go trick or treating?”
Her: “Doggggg!”
Me: “Ellie! Let’s go trick or treating!”
Her: “Doogggggggg! Waaaaahhhh!”
Me: “Okay, let’s put on your costume!”
Her: “Mwaaaahhh ahhhhhh mmmm wwwaaaaaaaahhhh!”

Cue tantrum.

The first house? We placed her, in her bee costume, in front of the door and rang the doorbell. She dropped to the ground, started screaming and crawling away. The man (from what my Mom says, he’s a lawyer) opens the door while my child is freaking.

“Trick or Treat!” I said. “She really wants candy. And by she, I really mean me.”

Things got better from there. She stopped screaming and actually walked down the sidewalk, holding her Nana’s hand. All the little girls that opened the door ooohhhd and awwweddd at her for looking so damn cute in that bee costume.

Yes, there are pictures. Yes, they are bad. Tantrums do not a good picture make.

Overall, the experience went well. We had some candy, none of which she could actually eat due to that milk allergy. Since I’m a good mom and I didn’t want her to break out in a rash, I took the candy away from her. And ate it. All.

Actually, before I could eat it, I sat at the table, freaking because she was running around the house with her bucket. Was I afraid that she’d break something? No. Hurt herself? No. I was afraid she’d drop the candy, someone else would find it and eat it and I would not get any of the wonderfulness of the Skittles to enjoy on my own.

The Hubs looked at me and said “If it is that important to you to have candy, I will stop at the store and get you some.”

In true sugar-induced crazy fashion, I looked him square in the eye and said “It’s not the same.”

I’m the Candy Pimp and my cut is 100%. If you don’t like it, find someone else to dress you up in a bee costume.

25 Responses to “Parental Gluttony”

  1. EverydaySuperGoddess
    November 2nd, 2005 12:55

    Oh lordy, for years I pimped TWO kids, schlepping two 5-pound pillowcases for block after block, yelling, “You’re not tired! There’s more candy to be had! Quit yer crying and RING THAT BELL!”

  2. Mir
    November 2nd, 2005 13:12

    There’s milk in Skittles? Or is there “milk” in Skittles? (Otherwise known as, “Sorry honey, Mommy has to keep that one….”)

  3. Nan
    November 2nd, 2005 13:18

    HAHAHAHA, I can’t stop laughing. This is great.

  4. Dawn
    November 2nd, 2005 13:40

    “Don’t make Mommy have to choke a bitch for the candy”

  5. yonzie
    November 2nd, 2005 13:47

    Milk, it does a mommy good.

    C’mon throw her a skittle or a Smartie already!

  6. Cristina
    November 2nd, 2005 14:17

    You and I are so on the same page! I was three weeks from giving birth with the second kiddo but that didn’t stop me from dragging a two year old around to get some free candy.
    And tell your husband that it is not the same at all. On Halloween you can get a milky way at one house and get airheads at the next. You could never pick that type of variety up at the store. Plus does he forget the fact that it is free?

  7. Chuck
    November 2nd, 2005 14:25

    I told the kids on the way home that stopping for food was going to cost em 2 handfuls each. They were not pleased, but it was good.

  8. Ninotchka
    November 2nd, 2005 14:46

    “I’m the Candy Pimp and my cut is 100%. If you don’t like it, find someone else to dress you up in a bee costume. ”


  9. Nancy
    November 2nd, 2005 15:09

    You are so right, it’s not the same to buy candy at the store. So much more fun to have your kids get it for you through trick-or-treating. Heck, that’s the whole reason I have little ones in the house.

  10. Priscilla
    November 2nd, 2005 15:27

    I am reading this as I am sitting here eating my kids’ candy!!

  11. AMP
    November 2nd, 2005 15:33

    Dude, I pimped out mine (dressed as a ladybug…kept going BZZZZ-BZZZZ) and got some seriously good loot. I mean the good chocolate stuff–Reese’s PB Cups, Milky Ways, Snickers, someone even gave her mini-Toblerones. Sorry to hear Miss E threw the usual tantrum. Mine actually dug the entire experience, including her costume which she wore the next day for a few hours (otherwise: cue tantrum). We have pictures. If you give me some of yours, I’ll forward some of mine.

  12. Mama Duck
    November 2nd, 2005 16:04

    My first time here and I could SWEAR you were writing about my first born, Daughter #1, who is just a few weeks shy of 2 years old and if she continues the way she has been, she just might not make it to the celebratory day.

  13. Bil Browning
    November 2nd, 2005 16:29

    My favorite story this Halloween came from the Indy Star. Seems the governor of Indiana dressed as the Cowardly Lion (HA!) and gave out jump ropes and Almond Joys. The newspaper had some quotes from kids about the loot he gave out… ALL the kids gave negative marks on the jump ropes (my favorite - I’ll give it to my mom. She’s overweight. I’ll keep the candy to help her out.”) And one of the kids gave him losing marks for the Almond Joys - “That’s old people candy.” You just can’t win with all constituents, I guess…

  14. Anne Glamore
    November 2nd, 2005 16:51

    You’re right– it’s not the same. Nothing tastes as good as that snickers bar stolen from a shoebox in your kid’s bedroom during school hours.


  15. Sherry
    November 2nd, 2005 16:54

    Heh. My five-year-old son was laying facedown on someone’s lawn and saying, “Mooooom, I just wanna go to bed!” and the SuperMom in me replied, “Get up. Mom needs more chocolate.”

  16. Dawners
    November 2nd, 2005 16:59

    I think you may have given me the reason I should have kids. I had no idea I could be a Candy Pimp! And to think of all of the other things I could get pimping out kids…By George, I think you guys are on to something!

    How has this never occurred to me before?

  17. kim
    November 2nd, 2005 17:01

    I have THREE kids! ;-)

  18. Debbie
    November 2nd, 2005 18:27

    I blogged about a lady like you….at least you had a child in tow unlike the bitch who showed up at my door.

  19. Amy Steier
    November 2nd, 2005 18:30

    I took my eight month old son Jack trick or treating and I know deep down people were thinking, “That candy’s for you, Bitch.” Damn right it is.

  20. MoxieMomma
    November 2nd, 2005 19:25

    omg, that last line? fresca out the nose. i swear it.

  21. clickmom
    November 2nd, 2005 19:34

    If you really want to make out with some major candy—My eight year old son decided at the last minute that he did not want to wear the Darth Vader cosume my husband, the fool, had purchased for him 6 weeks before halloween. Men! So, the eight year old dug an anfgel costume out of the costume bin in the playroom. Folks were so happy to see an 8 year that wasn’t gruesome that they were practically shoving candy at him, even the folks who gave out full sized bars were giving him two or even three!! My adorable 4 year old, who did the same route didn’t make out as well.

  22. Eulallia
    November 2nd, 2005 22:43

    The rain couldn’t stop us either. All of my kids candy is now hidden in a secret place known only to me. Muwah ha ha haaaaa!

  23. supa
    November 2nd, 2005 22:57


    That’s it. I’m taking notes. I want to be just like you when I grow up.

  24. ands
    November 3rd, 2005 19:24

    I did Halloween Disney style…where you don’t get dirty looks for asking for candy even if you are over 20yrs…..in fact I’m so cheap I picked out the candy I didn’t like and planned on giving it to the trick or treaters…..I live in an old people neighborhood so we didn’t actually get any kids!…now we will have a bowl of smarties and suckers around if anybody wants to come down and have any.

  25. coolbeans
    November 4th, 2005 00:55

    I scolded the children this evening for not bringing home more Butterfinger Crisps.

    All the Almond Joys they collected were taken immediately to my dresser Monday night.

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