Make Room for Baby

When I thought about having a baby, the things that I “worried” about were not things that actually matter in the long term. Sure, you have to change diapers and yeah sometimes the baby wakes up at night, but really, that’s not the big deal.

No, what is the big deal is how your entire life changes.

Did you know that some people go out to eat and it is an enjoyable experience? Did you know you could go out to eat, sit at a table, order food and go “Hmm, this is good food.” Perhaps you order dessert and coffee.

Then you have kids. Going out to eat is no longer fun. In fact, it is what I’d like to call One of the Levels of Hell.

I have submitted myself to other levels of hell for two days in a row now. On Friday, after yet another night of “I will not go to sleep because I am growing molars and they hurt and boy do I hate you, you stupid evil whore of a mother that gave birth to me” came probably one of the stupidest things I’ve done in awhile.

We went and got professional portraits taken of Miss E. (And, by professional portraits, I’d like to say “JC Penny.”)

Before I go any further into this story, I am putting a nice little warning down. There is at least one person in my “family,” someone that I do not get along with that reads this website. Even though I think I have made it very clear that I do not like you very much, you continue to read. And then? You go and tell everyone that we both know about this site and its contents. So, when I find out that you told everyone that I got the baby’s portraits done, I will hurt you. Here’s a hint, idiot: They are Christmas presents. See if you can keep your big yapper shut just once. End note.

Anyway, my Mom says “Hey! Let’s buy a pretty dress! And pretty shoes! With a matching bow and pantyhose and put a very sleepy, very teething 15-month-old into them! And make her take pictures!

After waiting for WAAAAY TOO LONG, we go into the portrait studio, where Operation: Kill Mommy begins. Operation: Kill Mommy is a very fun operation. First: You don’t smile. Ever. Second: You refuse to look in the direction of the camera and when you finally do, make sure to make hideous faces the entire time. Third: Refuse to take any pictures without “props” such as stuffed animals, fake fruit and cell phones. Fourth: Try to jump off the table.

I’m serious, Internet. I have never wished so hard to not be pregnant because, man, I needed a very stiff drink after that picture session. A very, very big drink full of alcohol that would make me forget all about the climbing and the pointing and the whining and the crying.

Since I’m a glutton for punishment, I drove down into Houston the next day, with a baby, by myself. We made a total of four stops: An antiques store to buy a sign I saw on Craigslist, a friend’s apartment, The House of Pies and Whole Foods.

The antiques store went off well. So did the friend’s place. Someone was getting a little testy at the House of Pies, but it was managable. By the time we reached Whole Foods?

Let’s just say that the Rich Hippies down in H-Town don’t seem to find a screaming 15-month-old covered in some form of cranberry goo (from a sample they were handing out) to be that cute. I mean, come on, Rich Hippies, was is the fact that she threw everything I handed to her? Was it that while you waited in line to buy your 10-year-old a double espresso (Yes, I heard him requesting it and I heard you agree to it) that you had to listen to Miss Screaming Mimi while I waited for my Iced Mocha?

Know what, Rich Hippies? Babies have feelings, too. Maybe she thought it was rude of you not to offer her a truffle sample or a sample of beer. But, she dealt with it.

And then, she went home and loaded herself up on blueberries. She heard on Oprah that they were good for you. And then, well, what happened next is something that Oprah and The Rich Hippies don’t tell you about. Yeah, I’m onto your secrets. I know the truth behind this flaxseed and blueberry diet.

Blue diarrhea. It’s kind of like a Smurf exploded in her diaper.

35 Responses to “Make Room for Baby”

  1. Em
    October 30th, 2005 21:59

    Its not the molars. Its part of the secret baby terror code. The portrait place IS the battleground. No one believed me and I couldn’t handle mine at the Picture People anymore so I brought my mother-in-law as a witness. She will testify in court that my well napped, well fed, nothing-to-complain-about children grew horns and tails and tore the shit up at the Picture People. I kid you not, a photographer GAVE UP and sent in someone else. That just isn’t supposed to happen at The Picture People. Its the Disneyland of one hour plastic propped memories. And I am not someone who lets their children act like assholes in public, I don’t have a high asshole tolerance for my kids but I had NO CONTROL. They won.

    So please, don’t blame Miss E, don’t blame her molars. Its The Code. She was just doing her job.

  2. Jack's Raging Mommy
    October 30th, 2005 22:29

    The evil woman at our local “professional photographer” waited until Jack was bored with sitting to try to take pictures. Here’s a hint lady- he was only holding his arms out to you since you were standing in front of him. If you’d stepped back to your camera we’d all be happier people.

  3. Mir
    October 30th, 2005 22:50

    I hope it was Smurfette who exploded. She was really annoying.

  4. Sierra
    October 30th, 2005 23:54

    blue smurf… thats funny…

  5. Chickie
    October 31st, 2005 02:56

    I am so tempted to eat a bushel of blueberries just to see my own poop turn blue.

  6. Amber
    October 31st, 2005 02:59

    Maybe it was a de-caff double expresso? But really, you should see the tar the kids over here drink - and nobody’s even trying to be a Cool-Rich-Hippie. Blue diarrhea - cooooool, with 4 kids and 10 years of parenting I have never seen this one! Way to go Miss E!!

  7. Sarcomical
    October 31st, 2005 05:09

    blue poop?!? blech.

    boy. you make me want to go and have a baby right now. ;)

  8. Debbie
    October 31st, 2005 07:53

    So, is this still the Christmas present? Socks are always a nice gift.

  9. Laura
    October 31st, 2005 08:30

    Is there some award I can nominate you for? This was the best blog entry I’ve read in a loooooooooooong time. You had me spitting my drink all over the place!

  10. Texas T-bone
    October 31st, 2005 09:36

    Taking a kid out to eat gets easier over time (I swear). My almost 3-year-old son rarely throws fits or anything, but we usually place bets on how long it will take and exactly what he will spill on his shirt. You shoulda seen the time he got hot El Chico queso down his pants! It was a riot!

  11. Pregnant Blogger
    October 31st, 2005 09:57

    I’ve been to that Whole Foods (or one of the many like it in Houston)….you have nothing to fear. Trying going to an HEB on a Sunday afternoon….the people aren’t white hippies, but their kids can certainly scream with the best of them.

    I recently had a “playdate” where my urchin sceamed for two solid hours. I haven’t been invited back. I think kids know when something is important or when Mommy is trying to make friends. Sucks.

    Blue poop on the other hand….very funny.

  12. Dawn
    October 31st, 2005 10:19

    I used to be ready to whip out a boob at any point in baby picture taking. I didn’t care if the photographer was embarassed. Happy Memories Mother fucker, Happy Memories!

    And, in my Years as an infant Caregiver in Child care….You’d be amazed at the things you can find in diapers. My fav: an orange ear plug that one baby had gotten out of her ears, and eaten.

  13. poobou
    October 31st, 2005 12:21

    I think I’m more shocked about the kid getting a double-espresso than anything else. Although I don’t know why that surprises me, since my mother practically weaned us on Tab (obviously, I am a child of the 70’s).

    Thanks for giving me a lot to look forward to in this week of “will I get my period or will our first month of trying to make a baby pay off?”

  14. snarflemarfle
    October 31st, 2005 13:49

    Smurf poop? That’s great! The Blue Cotton Candy ice cream at Maggie Moo’s does the exact same thing…and I don’t have kids yet so don’t ask me how I know…

  15. Autumn
    October 31st, 2005 16:08

    Now you know that only Rich Hippies can get proffesional pictures of their children taken without blue diarrhea happening.

  16. Heatheranne
    October 31st, 2005 17:25

    Don’t worry, when the kids get older and start getting invited to spend the night with friends, you can once again order dessert.

  17. The Merry Widow
    October 31st, 2005 17:54

    So I’ve been out of blog world for 10 days now. At least, that’s what the mad commenters have been telling me on my blog. So…I’m just now catching up on SJ blog reading and here’s what I have to say:


    There. Now you can say you have 2 friends to invite.

    Oh yeah, and blue diarrhea??? That’s just freakin cool.

  18. clickmom
    October 31st, 2005 18:36

    Wait, your Whole Foods has a coffee bar????
    Damn, I have to make two stops to get decent coffee and Whole Foods!

    Personally, I’d rather have a photo of my kid smiling and covered in mud than a sappy one from a portrait studio, the obvious proof of that is my realization last week that I never picked up the boring portrait studio portraits I ordered last November.

  19. Kris
    October 31st, 2005 19:04

    OK..first off why the HELL would a caregiver be putting ear plugs into a child’s ear?? Dawn, you need to explain that to me..of all the potential choking to death hazards, ear plugs would be high on my list if they fell out while a child was sleeping and they put it in their mouth (which obviously they did)…YIKES. After writing that I can’t remember what my comment was going to be…EAR PLUGS in a CHILD’s EAR!!! OMG.


  20. Kris
    October 31st, 2005 19:05

    …oh yeah…I would love some footage of a smurf exploding…poop or not! HEEHEE


  21. RazDreams
    October 31st, 2005 20:29

    dood, if that person squeals like a pig, i must say that s/he is mostly hurting those s/he tells about the portraits, not so much you. i mean, that actually gave me the willies, thinking that someone might be so sad as to ruin Christmas gifts. here’s raising a very large whiskey and soda that your presents are surprises.

  22. Nothing But Bonfires
    October 31st, 2005 21:31

    Seriously, there’s a place called the House of Pies? I MUST GO THERE.

  23. Mariselle
    October 31st, 2005 22:12

    Went out to dinner this past weekend with husband and 12 month old boy…I think I set the record for inhaling calamari, a ceasar salad, pasta bowl and a piece of cheesecake while holding down the tablecloth, salt shakers, spoons and glass ware with barely two hands. Check please.

  24. Susan
    October 31st, 2005 22:25

    Next time Miss E throws a fit, make her wear a shirt that says, “Jesus put a yodel in my soul.” And take a picture.

    Sure, it may LOOK like smurf-poo, but I bet it smells more like Gargamel. *kneeslapper* Ha!

  25. Lisa
    October 31st, 2005 23:36

    Forget dinner out. Thats like a nightmare around here. People say oh you want to go out for dinner? I am like NO, I have a 20 month old and they look at me as if to say SO your not crippled. I am like yeah you will be if you take us to dinner. Its no fun at all. I can count the amount of times we have actually made it though a meal out with her….yeah once. The rest of the times we were asking for the check and a doggy bag before the meal hit the table. They were like why didnt you just say carry out? Thats how long we were there.

  26. Amy
    October 31st, 2005 23:56

    But where is the photo? (Of the baby, not the blue poop.)

  27. Steph.
    October 31st, 2005 23:58

    Oh, my! I have been offline for a few days and what a laugh I got from this one, SJ! I relate on so many levels:

    1. My almost 19-month-old is also getting in teeth and waking up having violent tantrums during the night. (We suspect and ear infection too. I’m sorry for letting you know this–because now you realize that Ellie has at least 2-3 more months of teething hell ahead of her..and so do you.)

    2. I had a similar photo-licious experience at Sears, only my wild toddler went straigt for number 4–over and over and over. Our pictures turned out with her lunging at the camera, her running towards the camera, her mid-rise in her chair. Lovely.

    3. I’m lovin’ the Rich Hippies comment. How TRUE is that!

    4. Smurf explosion. Hmm…here’s a deep question. If you could be any exploding smurf in your baby’s diaper, which would you be? Papa? Smurfette? Brainy? (yes, my older kid watching this on Boomerang, so I’m down the the Smurfs…)

  28. Laura
    November 1st, 2005 07:16

    You’re giving me flashbacks, woman!!! Last time I got professional portraits taken (Target), my baby had colic and my 2 year old was refusing to cooperate. The photographer asked me not to come back without help. Then, along the lines of the colic-y baby (God save you from this fate), I remember shopping with a furious baby, dead tired, and getting the stink eye from the other shoppers. They seemed to think it was inappropriate to shop with a screaming child. What they didn’t realize is that she NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING. If I didn’t shop, we didn’t eat. End of story. Aaaaaargh!

    Oh yeah…I remember when eating out was fun. I remember when I could just drop into the QT for a Coke. Good times….good times.

  29. Surfie
    November 1st, 2005 08:53

    Blue doo reminds me of a little story. My firstborn started having neon green poo. I was freaking out thinking she had some kind of wierd sickness; so, I called the nurse at the doctor’s office. She asked me, “Has she been drinking Kool-Aid?” I said, “Yes.” She informed me that the Kool-Aid was the culprit. I can’t remember if it was the red or the blue Kool-Aid, but I sure felt like an idiot.

  30. halloweenlover
    November 1st, 2005 13:08

    Poor SJ! That sounds like a LONG day. Did the mini-terrorist dress up for halloween?

  31. Anne Glamore
    November 1st, 2005 13:18

    You won’t believe this, but you made me a little nostalgic for the blue poop. It’s been quite a while since we experienced that here!

  32. Krista
    November 1st, 2005 14:36

    Hahaha that’s good laugh.
    And I hope your “family” member doesn’t spoil your Christmas present surprise. That would suck.

  33. Abbey
    November 1st, 2005 16:19

    You are a riot girl and had to comment after this one and compliment the blog - fantastic writing. I’m not sure I’m rich hippie but def a DINK (double income no kids) who just really love living vicariously through other people’s baby experiences for the moment. I suppose the cute smiles and cuddles make it all worth while…..keep writing. you rock.

  34. ands
    November 1st, 2005 17:31

    um…I want pictures of the moving…of you directing the whole thing..sitting….and pictures of your beast child!…please

  35. Helen
    November 2nd, 2005 08:31

    *Sigh* it’s when you get to 6 kids ranging from 2 -20 that the very idea of blue poop is so exciting you almost rush out and buy blueberries just to see it, that’s when you realise that so many years of not getting out to eat, or do anything has taken it’s toll! I have ( I think) no more than 3 professional pictures of all of my kids, those were taken in the times when I had forgotten just what hell it is trying to get them to sit still or smile or just not scream…….I remember it so well now that I take the pictures myself!

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