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My Normandy

If I knew more about the actual fighting part of World War Two, I could make better analogies. Instead, I will just tell you that I am fighting a battle on two fronts. For the sake of humor, I get to be Germany.

Miss E will play the part of both the Allies and the Russians.

So, there were those Germans. They were all proud of themselves like “Hey! We’re Germany! Look at us, kicking butt!” Much like yours truly. “Hey! I’m Mommy! Look at me! Naptime? Totally going great! I kick butt!”

But then, you know, I got cocky. The Allies and the Russians heard and came to give me a whoopin.

On one front, we have The Allies, which are my child’s teeth. She has seven and I guess she’s trying to sprout a few more. I don’t know. I’ve only heard of them but haven’t actually seen them.

On the other front, we have The Soviets, which is an analogy for The Sippy Cup. Yes, my 15-month-old still drinks from the bottle. She doesn’t have any other vices: No pacifiers, no thumb sucking, no favorite toy she carries around. For us, the method of comfort is the bottle.

Someone, we shall call him “The Hubs” seems to think that you know, perhaps we should get rid of that bottle.

Just to make life a little more fun, we shall get rid of the bottle while she is teething.

It has only come to mind recently that she is teething. Before that, I wasn’t sure as to what was going on. We had diarrhea, which could be explained because she goes to church day care on Wednesday mornings. She had a fever, which could be from the aforementioned squirts, but could also be from one of those four shots she had last week. She wasn’t sleeping well, which we decided was because she is trying to go all Omen and kick my butt.

Waking six times between the hours of 12am and 6am is not acceptable. Neither is coming into my bed and hitting me in the face because she’s in pain and I did not stop it.

Every time I put my child to bed, I try a different concotion of things that might get her to sleep. Some allergy medicine in case she has had some milk. Tylenol. Gas drops. Teething tablets. Heater, no heater. Fan, no fan. Music. Voodoo priests standing over her crib, chanting.

Monday was a very long day. After meeting for breakfast with the very funny, very charming (and, might I mention, very cute) Debbie, we came home. Time for nap, right?

WRONG.

Eight hours later, my child still had not slept. For those of you that don’t have little ones, eight hours without a nap is pretty much the end of the world. Seriously, these things shouldn’t be possible.

By that point, they scream if you don’t hold them. They scream if you do. All the while, you’re sitting there, wondering just how much alcohol one could slip into a bottle to make the child sleepy.

And by bottle, I totally mean “sippy.” Rrrrriiiiigggggghhhhhttttttt.

I’ve had a zillion older ladies tell me stories of how they gave their kids whiskey. Not that I would, because I don’t even own whiskey, but I mean, these people turned out “okay.”

So today, I decided to take a different approach. Tylenol. Teething tablets. Then I pulled out the Baby Orajel. Unsure of where exactly to put it on her gumbs, I slathered her entire gumline in it.

She’s laying there, staring at me while I repeat “Yum Yum Yum” over and over while I numb her entire mouth.

I set her in bed, pulling out my phone, ready to call the local White People Land Shaman.

Before I can even mutter the word “Exorcism,” she’s asleep. Halleluiah!

Now, Internet, I can look back and tell you with certainty, that if we had just put a little Baby Orajel on Hitler’s teeny weenie, then perhaps he could have stopped thinking about it constantly and stopped acting like a dick.

25 Responses to “My Normandy”

  1. mmc
    October 25th, 2005 13:25
    1

    I actually bought a case of the stuff at Drugstore.com, and have used it well. It’s the cure-all.
    Also, I see your “thread” hasn’t broken….hang in there. Better days are ahead!

  2. Nothing But Bonfires
    October 25th, 2005 13:28
    2

    What, the voodoo priests don’t work? God, now I’m NEVER having children.

  3. Debbie
    October 25th, 2005 13:43
    3

    Let the record show that THIS older lady did not give the whiskey advice. If I did, I would have recommended it for you not E.

    And, I think you are making this all up. Miss E. was perfect yesterday! As I told my hubby - she never even fussed or cried. You are just making this stuff up to have something to blog about. ;)

  4. Eulallia
    October 25th, 2005 14:08
    4

    “Hitler’s Teeny Weenie” sounds like a really nasty brand of hot dogs.

  5. Steph.
    October 25th, 2005 14:19
    5

    Ha! Love the Orajel advice with Hitler. Maybe once we track down Bin Laden we can dip him in a vat of the stuff?

    Teething really sucks. I won’t try to offer solutions because you’ve listed everything I have tried. But, I commiserate, because it really does suck!

    Let me know if you suceed on the bottle. I’m trying to find a way to make our “passy” go poof in our house too!

  6. JustLinda
    October 25th, 2005 14:31
    6

    Man, you brought that home, didn’t you? Best post ending ever. hahaha

    What if you just left the whisky out, uncorked, and looked the other way? That’s not the same as GIVING it to her, right?

    Not that I would ever do anything like that. I mean, you know… I’m just sayin’ ….

  7. MamaQ
    October 25th, 2005 15:23
    7

    If the bottle makes her nap, I say let her keep it until she leaves for college. Taking away the bottle during teething is like trying to quit smoking and go on a diet at the same time.

  8. Crystal
    October 25th, 2005 16:03
    8

    She’s probably getting those damned molars. Or eye teeth, if she doesn’t have them. Those bastards SUCK. As far as the bottle thing, you’ve got to go cold turkey, and expect to not sleep for about 3 days. Time and the trauma of it all has fogged my memory a bit, but I distinctly remember chatting with my best friend one night one, and her telling me “DO NOT GIVE IN!!!” because the kids were NOT HAPPY, and I thought we would all die that night. She promised me it would be over in 3 days, and it was. Of course, you could let her self-wean, I’m sure it happens at some point, as long as you don’t mind the stares and whispers from other moms.

  9. Seglenda
    October 25th, 2005 17:10
    9

    I think I may have told you this before, but I used Anal Ease on my Makenzie’s gums. I went to my sister’s sex toy party, and when the toy lady was telling us about it she said she put it on her babies teeth when they were coming in. I swear it is the best stuff! last a lot longer than Oragel. It is just straight Benzocain. I know it sounds crazy and weird. I just pulled off the label before I put it in the diaper bag! Might want to try some!

  10. warcrygirl
    October 25th, 2005 17:16
    10

    Now, Internet, I can look back and tell you with certainty, that if we had just put a little Baby Orajel on Hitler’s teeny weenie, then perhaps he could have stopped thinking about it constantly and stopped acting like a dick.

    Absolutely priceless. Everytime someone tells me a little alcohol never hurt a child I always think of Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, it never hurt him, right?

  11. Susan
    October 25th, 2005 17:20
    11

    A friend of mine tried the whisky-on-the-gums trick (although I think she used cheap brandy) for teething. Didn’t work (possibly because it was cheap brandy and not good whiskey).

    And NO, it wasn’t me. It was my FRIEND. You don’t even want to know what *I* did.

  12. clickmom
    October 25th, 2005 18:02
    12

    Borrow my mantra “It’s just a phase, it will pass. It’s just a phase, it will pass. It’s just a phase…….” Got me through many many long nights.

  13. ands
    October 25th, 2005 20:06
    13

    if only she was old enough to were chocolate and ice cream would make everything better.

  14. Eulallia
    October 26th, 2005 00:44
    14

    By the way, those pumpkins are really really scary.

  15. Jessica
    October 26th, 2005 00:59
    15

    I’m about ten seconds away from buying a bottle of Jack Daniel’s for Jason’s teething problem. Then again, I’d probably drink it all.

  16. Stefanie
    October 26th, 2005 01:01
    16

    i would like to comment on both this post and the last post. First off, regarding the last post, I agree. It’s hard. And I have a husband who’s home and it’s still hard. Second post - I prefer baby motrin to tylenol. I go throught the same fan, no fan - warm pajamas, light pj’s, stay up later or go to bed earlier, is it a cold or teething…why do you think that humans take so long to mature enough to just tell us what’s wrong?

  17. Kris
    October 26th, 2005 01:36
    17

    I was told not to use too much of that orajel…apparently studies have shown that too much can numb the back of the throat and cause problems with breathing/swallowing. Now orajel freaks me out! But I have ot say when I did use it it saved me a lot of sleepless nights.

    K.

  18. AMP
    October 26th, 2005 05:53
    18

    whatever works. that’s the advice.
    i wouldn’t worry about the bottle. mine’s on a pacifier fixation lately (15 mos. old), also she’s reverted to a nighttime bottle right before bed.
    whatever.
    she’s not gonna ask: baba baba (bottle) forever.
    same with the paci. Who cares. She’ll probably end up throwing it away.
    whatever works.
    and screw theother mothers who give you looks when E-girl is sucking on a bottle and she’s 2 yrs. old. let THEM deal w/an infant and a toddler who won’t sleep.

  19. Jack's Raging Mommy
    October 26th, 2005 08:14
    19

    Jack doesn’t quite find the Orajel to be “yum”. Which means he makes hilarious faces and I laugh uproariously while I give it to him. ‘Cause I am evil like that.

  20. Jessie
    October 26th, 2005 09:44
    20

    Hooray for finding a cure for the non-napping! Hopefully you get to nap now too.

  21. Beth
    October 26th, 2005 10:19
    21

    You are so damn funny. I feel your pain. Oh, how I do.

  22. Antonia
    October 26th, 2005 11:08
    22

    Hilarious post! You always say it so well.

    I fretted over the pacifier, and after a week of hell it was forgotten about. Then I worried about the thumb. Then he got sick, couldn’t breathe through his mouth, and forgot about it. Now he only has ‘Paul’ the blanket and he can take it to college for all I care.

  23. cupcake aka Leslie
    October 26th, 2005 15:00
    23

    “Hitler’s teeny weenie” has a sister brand, “Anne Frankfurters.”

    I don’t have kids, but I used to be a tour guide in Europe. And your Normandy analogy had me very confused. I don’t think the Russians were there.

    I think it would probably all make sense if I had kids. That’s got to be a war that only its own veterans understand.

    Still, I’ll wear a yellow ribbon to support you. They ought to have little ribbons like that for parents. What color would it be? Baby puke green?

    Enjoyed your writing.

  24. Sarcastic Journalist
    October 26th, 2005 16:02
    24

    The Russians were not at Normandy. But, the Germans were getting their butts kicked by the Allies and since my child is both the Allies and the Russians, she gets to kick my butt.

  25. MamaQ
    October 26th, 2005 17:45
    25

    Nevermind Normanday, did someone really say they put ANAL EASE on their child’s gums?
    OMFG, this is why I come back here every day.

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