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Nemesis

For the longest time in my life, I was blessed to have my very own bathroom. You know, my own room where I could “do my buisness” and leave clothes all over the floor without worrying about someone splashing water on them.

Then I went to college and learned the horrors of the community bathrooms. That’s an entirely different story but let’s just say I trained myself to go #2 at 4am when everyone else was sleeping.

So, last night, I’m laying in bed when I feel a pain in my belly. I’m sitting there thinking that it is either cramping or gas. I’m the type of person, however, that does not do well with any type of belly pain and must sit on the toilet at all times. I swear, if they would have let me, I would have had my kid on the potty.

I hurry into the bathroom, my new People Magazine in tow, and figure I’ll just sit there until the pain subsides. I’m about one page in, when out of the corner of my eye I see The World’s Biggest Roach.

(Note: The apartment people have told me in the past that the very big roaches are “tree roaches” and that no amount of extermination will get rid of them. Nice.)

Roaches are on the top of my Things That Make Me Want To Die list. Even the word grosses me out. In fact, if I were one of the unfortunate people that had the last name Roach, I’m not kidding here, I would legally change my name.

I screech as quietly as possible and run back into the bedroom, where The Hubs is asleep. It is 12:45am.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” I yell. “There’s a roach in the bathroom and it is very big and you must go and kill it now because I need to sit on the toilet!”

He runs into the bathroom to do his manly duties. Meanwhile, I’m wandering around the living room, trying to do deep breathing because man, my belly hurts. Wow. It really hurts. Deep breath. Hurt. Hurt. Pain. Pain. Pain.

OH MY GOSH I THINK I AM GOING TO POOP MY PANTS.

I rush back to the bathroom and swing open the door. “You’ve got to get out. My belly REALLY hurts!”

At this point, and I’m totally serious, my underwear-clad 6′4 husband looks at me with a very serious look that could rival The Crocodile Hunter and says “I have him cornered. Ssssh.”

I huff, explain the need to potty again, and leave. Finally, I’ve had enough. Why don’t we have two bathrooms? There are two of us. What if we both need to be in there at once?

I kick him out and rush to the potty. While I’m sitting there, I see my evil nemesis, the roach from hell, walk out from under the dryer. He takes one look at me and runs back under.

I die a little.

Eventually, after tummies have settled and roaches have been killed, The Hubs comes back to bed. I thank him for his manliness and turn out the light.

“Yeah,” he says. “It was so great how I was sound asleep and you come running in here, screaming. I think something is horribly wrong and you tell me it is a roach.”

“Well,” I reply. “That was a big roach. And, besides, you took so long, I almost had to poop in a pot from the kitchen. I think we’re equal now.”

22 Responses to “Nemesis”

  1. Seglenda
    October 23rd, 2005 21:26
    1

    I am with you! I know how you feel. I HATE bugs! I HATE ROACHES! Tree kind or any other kind! lol! I have also gotten the husband up out of bed in the middle of the nite to kill bugs. Man, they must love us! I was taking the dog out in the middle of the nite one time, and stepped on a huge frog! I am not scared of the frog, but I was having a nervous break down because I STEPPED ON IT! BAREFOOT! I just had to wake the husband up to tell him all about it and let him watch me run around the bedroom like a freak for a few minutes. Gol bless our husbands!

  2. Eulallia
    October 23rd, 2005 21:45
    2

    I am such a shy pooper. The worst is when my husband’s family gets together every year for their family reunion, and we all share a house. I do the middle-of-the-night poops then. Because, #1 what if someone heard my splashes? And #2 (hee hee, #2) what if someone comes in afterwards and smells it? We’re talking major anxiety complex here!

  3. Nancy France
    October 23rd, 2005 22:02
    3

    Palmetto bugs… bad. They do look like roaches, and worst of all, they fly.

    and you CAN get rid of them. Get the large size roach baits, slide them under the big appliances and that should help.

    the other bad news is that they tend to come in during dry spells looking for water, cold spells looking for warmth and wet spells looking for someplace dry to be.

    Yes, I’m evil.

  4. Jeff A
    October 23rd, 2005 22:16
    4

    I hate bugs, especially when I am on the pot. Spiders will get me up and out of the room in a fraction of a second, which can be very embarrassing.

  5. Alice the Brit
    October 23rd, 2005 22:42
    5

    Well living in Florida, we are privileged to encounter the odd flying palmetto bug, which can almost be the side of Herbie the love bug - EEEKK - But I am hardened and will grab the nearest shoe or magazine and whack the crap (ooh a #2 reference again!! score points there!) out of it.

    And with 4 kids, and 2 inquisitive dogs, my gosh I haven’t pooped alone for 15+ years - not shy at all - better post this before Wilma stomps us and I lose power!!!

  6. Elvira Black
    October 24th, 2005 01:24
    6

    LOL…that is priceless! Why do they always come out in the dead of night like that, anyway? Ugh.

  7. Q
    October 24th, 2005 04:30
    7

    Oh my God… two of the worst things in MY life… #2 and roaches… not only do I do the middle-of-the-night poops and the alone-at-home poops or the i-am-alone-in-the-office-poops, (because holy shit, what if my fiancé hears or smells that I am a normal human being???), but I come screeching and hyperventilating at the tiniest insect in my place. I have been known to wake my fiancé from deep sleep to kill a 4mm itty bitty mini roach in my bathroom. But if I were to be faced with a roach WHILE having to do #2, I think I would rather die than to come to a decision between tolerating the vile insect, or waking up my fiancé to kill it and letting him know that I have to poop…

  8. Debbie
    October 24th, 2005 06:15
    8

    “I think something is horribly wrong and you tell me its a roach” - send that man back to husband-school. There WAS something HORRIBLY wrong. And, it made you shit your pants….almost.

  9. Dani
    October 24th, 2005 08:14
    9

    Man, I hate insects of any type and my personal bane are spiders and bees. But, I’m determined not to put this phobia into my daughter. So, a few months ago a bee landed right on me and my daughter looked over at it. I could’ve one an Oscar. “Oh, look…What a beautiful bee. They make the flowers so pretty.” Meanwhile sweat was breaking out on my brow and my body was so tense it hurt. My hubby was kind of enough to sushh it away, all the while trying not to laugh ‘cuz he knew I was dying inside.

  10. Jack's Raging Mommy
    October 24th, 2005 08:41
    10

    I won’t even pee if there is someone else in the room, even just Joe.

    BTW, Great banner! Me likey!

  11. Jack's Raging Mommy
    October 24th, 2005 08:42
    11

    I screwed up my code, but you get that I like the banner, so I suppose it works out ok.

  12. JustLinda
    October 24th, 2005 08:46
    12

    I broke my ARM because of a roach. OK, well, it was a water bug but I classify all those disgusting bugs together. And this kid, Frankie, he was CHASING me threatening to put it on me! Well, you would have rode your bike like a madman too. Of course I crashed and fell. And yes, the arm was broken.

    But it was all worth it not to have that ROACH on me!!!!! As if…

  13. coolbeans
    October 24th, 2005 09:40
    13

    This weekend while I was dinking around at the computer, my daughter came in and pointed at my favorite coffee cup that was filled with my favorite coffee and said, “Mom…your…cup…has a thing…”

    Big brown ugly bug on the edge of my coffee cup. You know. WHERE I PUT MY MOUTH. So I had to pour out the coffee and use a less groovy mug and then I killed the bug and smooshed its guts reeeeeeeeeeeeally good because it deserved it.

  14. Dawn
    October 24th, 2005 10:18
    14

    I have made my husband speed to get me to our home bathroom in time to race and in lock myself in.

    And it would be as if Biggest spiders in the world had perched themselves on the rim of the bowl and were threatening to shank me with their 3 foot fangs.

    Shuuuuuudddddddeeeerrrrr.

  15. feithy
    October 24th, 2005 11:58
    15

    I should blog the story of my first encounter with a palmetto bug. (Tree roach). I learned to live with them. :)

    Feith

  16. Happay
    October 24th, 2005 13:56
    16

    See, me and the roaches, we gotta get along. First, because the hubby actually uses them to do research on learning and memory (we’ve even joked about making Cockroach Learning and Memory Bracelets like the Livestrong bracelets because cancer research has tons-o-money and the study of learning and memory has very little) and second because cockroaches are only one of two things that I’m not actually allergic to. The other is birds, which I’ll agree, are much nicer than roaches although their poopies are kinda gross.

  17. ands
    October 24th, 2005 14:54
    17

    My roommates like to corner bugs and put them underthings (buckets, trashcans, lids..ect) and then come and get me so I can kill them…one time one roommate left a roach under a trashcan, when I went to dispose of it, it was dead so I just flushed it down the toliet…an hour later that roommate went to pee. She came out screaming b/c the bug didn’t flush and it was just floating there…hehehe

  18. clickmom
    October 24th, 2005 18:09
    18

    I grew up in NYC, roaches were part of the scenery. Seriously, we’d get an occasional one, but then suddenly we were swarmed. We were told we probably had a nest so my mom took every single thing out of the kitchen to no avail, she looked to the heavens for help and there it was, the answer, our flourescent kitchen light, mom removed the cover, and OMG she found the mother load. A bit if panic and a case of raid later we went back to the occasional roach.

  19. Orange
    October 24th, 2005 18:39
    19

    Dude, just poop in front of the man already. It’s for the greater good: the removal of a giant goddamned roach from your living quarters.

  20. Stephanie
    October 24th, 2005 23:07
    20

    I hate bugs of any kind and have often told my husband that I can “feel” them looking at me if there is one in the room, lol! Here’s a story for you…My husband and I were renting a house that had to have the kitchen flor replaced. Our landlord came over and started working on it, but didn’t have the time to finish the same day. Little did we know that he left an opening where the baseboards used to be. I had just turned on the oven to start fixing dinner and heard this horrible scratching/sqeaking sound when all of a sudden out came the biggest rat you have ever seen in your life!!! Apparently it had gotten into the drawer part of the oven and when I turned it on it got a little too hot for it’s liking so it ran for it’s life. It ran across the kitchen almost on top of my foot and back into the whole the landlord had left. Needless to say, I totally freaked out and screamed bloody murder. My husband came in there so fast he saw it too and immediately called the landlord. Once he got him on the phone he said “My wife was cooking dinner and a rat the size of a puppy just ran across our kitchen, she is hysterical and you better get out here now and do something!!!” By the time the landlord got there, my husband had gotten out his skill saw and some old lumber and had already covered the opening. That was the first time I had ever seen him use that saw too!!!

  21. Laura
    October 25th, 2005 05:59
    21

    Oh the joy of married life! My husband and I would’ve discussed at length the stinkiness of the poop and how I could’ve smoked the roach out, suffocated it, etc.

    And I’m bypassing the “no comments” technology of your following post to say here…”I’M RIGHT WITH YOU, SISTA”!

  22. Beth
    October 25th, 2005 07:36
    22

    We used to get huge roaches when we lived in an old rental house. All of the older house in the area had them. My son’s dad caulked all the baseboards and any timy open places (like around the showerhead arm), and the problem went away. We would’ve put boric acid powder down, but we didn’t want the baby getting into it. I’ve heard, though, that chili powder can keep roaches away — might be worth a try.

    And I’ve stepped on a roach while barefoot — so not fun. I’ve also pooped in an unusual place out of desperation, and I ain’t gonna say anything about that. ;^)

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