Mozart in the Making

My child has a pretty decent taste in music, if I do say so myself. Sure, she likes to dance to the beat of any commercial we hear, but she knows a good tune when she hears one. Por ejemplo: I’ve turned around in the car multiple times to see her bobbing her head up and down to Weezer.

Since she seems somewhat musicially inclined, I think that I should start a band to reach her. In my band, I’m going to make songs to teach children all the important things in life.

A few ideas I have floating around:

Diarrhea is not for touching.
We call it naptime, not craptime.
Please do not tug on daddy’s weiner. (For the bath)
Mommy’s nipples aren’t that funny.
If you hide the remote control one more time, I’m selling you to the Gypsies.
Nobody thinks it’s cute when you throw your shoes in public.

I figure that will at least cover the first album. Eventually, I might put out another album for when the kids get a little bit older.

Sometimes a man loves a woman, but sometimes a man loves a man.
Letting him go to third base doesn’t mean you’ll be Prom Queen.
Please stop adjusting your penis.
Are you going to the mall or to your job as a hooker in that outfit?

I think my band will go over well, even if I don’t have an ounce of musical talent in my body. I mean, hello, if Madonna can do it, so can I.

30 Responses to “Mozart in the Making”

  1. Heatheranne
    October 18th, 2005 21:18

    Aw man, don’t diss my girl (Madonna). My son calls her “crazy person” because he saw a part of her tour dvd. He’s actually kind of pissed at me right now because I used his stereo to listen to my newly downloaded “hung up” single. See? There are all kinds of fun ways to torture the kids.

  2. Eulallia
    October 18th, 2005 22:34

    Can you please do one called
    When I go into the bathroom it means I need some alone time

  3. Hillbilly Mom
    October 18th, 2005 23:06

    Could you please include:
    “Don’t stomp the foot of the convicted felon in line beside you at the license bureau?”

  4. Lujza
    October 19th, 2005 00:05

    lol…sounds like you never have a dull day.

  5. mrtl
    October 19th, 2005 00:54

    dios mio - that’s some funny shite

  6. Beth
    October 19th, 2005 07:16

    You are laugh out loud funny!! But you already know that!

  7. Lucinda
    October 19th, 2005 07:17

    Great song ideas…

    My baby prefers Kelly Clarkson, unfortunately, although she expressed a liking for Jolie Holland yesterday, which left me hopeful.

  8. h.m.
    October 19th, 2005 07:50

    How very Phoebe Buffay of you…

    “sometimes men love women….sometimes men love men…and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they’re kidding themselves…”

    “oh the cow in the meadow goes moo….oh the cow in the meadow goes moo….then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up and that’s how we get hamburgers! noooooowwwwwww chickens!”

    Ah, Friends. How I miss thee.

  9. Dawn
    October 19th, 2005 07:57

    Might I add

    “The cat food is for the cat”
    “Toilet Water really is different”
    “If you don’t sleep through the night Mommy and Daddy can’t have sex and we will end up divorced and it will be your fault”
    “Please don’t repeat what we say at home”

  10. Star
    October 19th, 2005 08:49

    Perhaps one of two for when they get older:
    1)Twenty three year olds DON’T stay with their mothers
    2)The washing machine is the relevant appliance for soiled clothes rather than the bedroom floor
    3)Digs money - what you give your mother in return for her allowing you to stay. mess the place up and give her grief


  11. Sam
    October 19th, 2005 08:53

    Oh go for it! Please pen a song titled, “Pen is for paper, not human skin”

  12. Ninotchka
    October 19th, 2005 09:08

    Dude, I’m loving you. You make me laugh every. single. day.

  13. Y
    October 19th, 2005 10:05

    “We call it naptime, not craptime.”

    I smell a grammy.


  14. coolbeans
    October 19th, 2005 10:50

    SO? like? today is food day at work? and I’m eating at my desk? and then I read this? and then I almost shot a meatball out my nose from the laughing?

    Sort of painful.

  15. Mir
    October 19th, 2005 11:13

    May I pre-order your album?

    May I come do a special guest spot on my own very touching version of “No I will NOT marry your father again, it’s bad enough I did it once?”

  16. Heatherg
    October 19th, 2005 12:10

    How about…….
    “No, mommy’s bed is not YOUR bed”

    (Yes, i have shame. My son has a room he doesnt even use.)

    I’m sure you will be a hit with all your new music. I would buy it.

  17. clickmom
    October 19th, 2005 12:29

    I would like to make suggestions for the older kids versions:

    You are 12, I don’t clap for your burps anymore.
    When you gotta go, don’t hold it in. just freaking go already.
    Get your dirty socks out of the den.

  18. Seglenda
    October 19th, 2005 12:51

    I would totally buy your album! So, we could be a duet. I can play the piano and you could sing the songs! We will be fabulous! My little one loves Weezer too. She sings along with them and knows every word to Beverly Hill. She is 4. I am trying to convince her that the sweater song is cooler, but she disagrees! Oh well. Let me know when we can get together to do our album and become famous! lol!

  19. poobou
    October 19th, 2005 14:36

    For some reason, this reminded me of that Broadway show “Avenue Q”, which is like a gay Sesame Street thing. Actual song titles include, “Everyone’s Just a Little Bit Racist” and “You Can Be As Loud As the Hell You Want (When You’re Makin’ Love)”. I swear I’m not making that up. I’m trying to get tickets when we go to NYC next month.

  20. Laura GF
    October 19th, 2005 15:03

    You are hilarious. I love your song list, you clever thing.

  21. JP
    October 19th, 2005 15:36

    SOLID GOLD, Baby!!! Seriously…move over Britney…or Christina…or whoever the hell has that other one is…

  22. Laura GF
    October 19th, 2005 17:02

    You are hilarious. I love your song list, you clever thing.

  23. Amy Steier
    October 19th, 2005 17:07

    Hey! How about a new belly pic? It’s been a while. I will if you will.

  24. JustLinda
    October 19th, 2005 19:21

    I’d like to dedicate a few to my lovely children…

    For my 9 year old “Your teacher does NOT know more than your mother”.

    For my 3 year old “After a 1 hour tantrum, give it up, you have lost”.

    For my 22 year old “Calllll your mother now and then…”

    For my 17 month old “Long distance is for grown ups and 9-1-1 for emergencies only”

  25. Elizabeth
    October 19th, 2005 19:32

    I love your blog, hilarious!
    My kids do not like Weezer, nor Ben Folds Five… they like rocking remixes!
    They are nuts. Hopefully they will grow to love Live. I have yet to turn my husband onto the Afghan Whigs, but I’m sure he will give in soon.

    Seglenda- “The Sweater Song” is totally so much better than “Beverly Hills”.

  26. Kari
    October 19th, 2005 21:09

    Love your song list. If the band does not make it, you could always sell the lyrics to They Might Be Giants. I love their no song; “No is No, no is always not, if I say no it means a thousand times no” Ah good things for kids to learn. You may have a whole new career here.
    May I add:
    The stove is hot, do not walk on it.
    I may be in the other room, but I can still hear you

  27. single girl
    October 19th, 2005 22:42

    Ha! Those are great! Can I be a groupie?

  28. warcrygirl
    October 20th, 2005 08:01

    The only song idea I can come up with is “The Entire Restaurant Doesn’t Need To Know You Have To Poop”. My four year old has this penchant for announcing bodily functions.


  29. ~Tim
    October 21st, 2005 19:31

    Check out the (disbanded) trio Uncle Bonsai. You are very much on the same wavelength!

  30. Sandra
    October 30th, 2005 14:43

    I feel your list is incomplete - every album you make for the purpose stated above should have the closing tune entitled : “Because I say so”
    Without this your child will not be able to process much of the meaning behind these songs and thus the learning-through-music cycle would be ineffective.
    My sprout is very young still (barely 6 months old) but I am already dreading the onset of the WHYYYY? Syndrome - I bet experienced moms know a thing or two about this awful disease that seems to strike all kids by the age of 4 or 5 and continues through to puberty (and beyond?) Is there no vaccine against this? Somebody contact Merck, Roche, GSK… ANYONE?!

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