Happy Endings?

When it comes to parenthood, there are good days and bad days. Good days include the times when your child takes five hour naps and Oprah actually has something on that doesn’t involve celebrities. Bad days include a child that refuses to nap, temper tantrums and finding that all the cheese in the fridge, in fact, has gone moldy.

It seems, for the most part, that I’ve been having more bad days than good ones. So bad, that I’ve had troubles dealing with “normal” people saying “normal” things to me.

Hippy: “Save the whales!”
Me: “Screw the whales and SCREW YOU TOO for telling me what I need to save and not save.”

Husband: “Where the heck are all the baby’s bottles?”
Me: “I don’t know and F you for insinuating that I had something to do with all the missing bottles in this house. Don’t you know that our child is a thief?

Waiter: “Would you like a drink?”
Me: “Do I look like I can have a drink? Hello, I’m PREGNANT here. You see this big huge gut? It’s not all Taco Bell in there, buddy. There’s a baby. A human baby that might be posessed by aliens and it is trying to claw its way out of my gut and wouldn’t you just go and offer a pregnant woman a drink you bloody evil whore?”

Okay, I’m not that bad to strangers. But, the deal is, I’ve been on the verge of an emotional breakdown for a few weeks now and I knew that something needed to be done. So, finally, I arranged for my Mom to watch Miss E while I took a few hours of “me time.”

I have driven by a place that offers hour-long massages for $35. For those of you not down with the massage prices, that is INCREDIBLY cheap. Mucho cheap. Two dollar hooker cheap. Even though the lady on the phone seemed a little scared about massaging someone that is almost 24 weeks pregnant, ("I’ve only done it once!") I didn’t care.

Her only massage expertise could have been massaging dogs anal glands down at the “pet salon” and I would have paid for her to rub on me. Yes, I was that desperate.

So me and my homicidal tendencies head on down to the salon, which kind of seemed a little RedNeck-ish for my White People Land tastes. I tell myself to stop being so judgemental, hello, look at what I was wearing, and be thankful for a massage.

We head into a back room for the massage. Most places have a decent-sized room, calming colors on the wall, perhaps a Christmas light string or two, and overall ambience. This place had brown walls, which seemed hastily painted, some kind of wood-like vinyl flooring and a floor fan that pretty much drowned out the typical “serene” music they were playing.

I didn’t care as this place was also missing any type of baby. No babies! None! A baby-free zone! But, this “baby-free zone” did seem to be a little “backroomish” if you know what I mean, wink wink, nod nod.

So, I get nekked and climb atop the black sheets. Usually, when it is massage time, I find myself hurrying to get under the covers as fast as a virgin on prom night. This time? I’m totally serious here, I thought “Hmm, I should lay on top of the sheets, naked.”

Okay.

The girl that rubbed me down was nice. A young mother herself, she could appreciate my need for an hour that didn’t involve hiney wiping. She was friendly, we chit-chatted. But? There was one thing that was odd.

I swear she was massaging me with Astroglide.

In my massage experience, they usually use lotion. No, this stuff looked (and felt) just like Astroglide, right down to the small, clear tube it came in.

At one point, and I don’t know how I always have massages that turn to this conversation, she told me how some of her male clients um, pitch a tent, when she starts to rub on them.

Mental note: The Hubs will not be getting a massage from a woman in the near or not so near future.

She told me that the majority of her clients are, in fact, male and that she’s had a few that decided to do what I thought about and lay on the table naked and uncovered when she walked into the room.

After she finished me up, which I’m happy to say, didn’t include any form of mounting whatsoever, I realized I was a little slippery.

I’m talking head to toe, covered in sexual lubricant slippery. My feet were not having good traction on the vinyl flooring. I paid my $35, left a tip and went home to wash off because no respectable woman can go to Starbucks to read a book while covered in crotch oil.

After awhile, part of me began to wonder if this was supposed to be a happy ending massage. I mean, the back room, the astroglide, the tent pitching?

I will just have to assume that as a fellow “Mommy,” she could realize someone that would rather lay still with her eyes closed rather than get off.

29 Comments

  1. OMG! You DO KNOW that Houston has a freaky number of places called “Spas” on their front doors that are, in fact, sex shops? And, the happy ending thing, they’ve written about places that feature this all up and down 1960. Seriously! I am laughing out loud at the image of you sliding in your shoes with the sex oil on. Dang, until that last part, I was going to ask you where this was. $35 is an awesome price for a massage.

    I have a friend who swears by going to a massage school and letting the students massage you. It’s about half the price and the students in training are very careful and precise.

    Hope your sexy massage made you feel rejuevenated though! Sounds a lot better than what I did today–weeding my flower beds. UGH!

    Comment by Steph. — 10/16/2005 @ 11:32 pm

  2. HAHAH! that made me laugh so hard! astroglide has a distinct odor to it, too…even though it’s supposed to be uncented. that would have freaked me out a tad as well. but at least you got a cheap massage and a great story to tell out of it!

    Comment by honey bunny — 10/16/2005 @ 11:42 pm

  3. HAHAH! that made me laugh so hard! astroglide has a distinct odor to it, too…even though it’s supposed to be uncented. that would have freaked me out a tad as well. but at least you got a cheap massage and a great story to tell out of it!

    uh, had to make an edit ;)

    Comment by honey bunny — 10/16/2005 @ 11:43 pm

  4. Thanks for the giggle oh slippery one.

    Comment by Terri — 10/17/2005 @ 12:04 am

  5. Good thing it was the kind of Astroglide that “heats up"!!!

    Comment by Lujza — 10/17/2005 @ 12:47 am

  6. Oh gosh, we use Astroglide when we do it. I cant imagine being lathered up in it for a massage. Yes, that is quite odd. We have those places here but they are really a front for a sex shop. Maybe you did get lucky and your werent really laying on a table covered in the jizzy of a million desperate men. Lets just hope. Next time, maybe you should shell out a few more bucks and get one with REAL massage oil. LOL!!!!!!!!

    Comment by Lisa — 10/17/2005 @ 1:37 am

  7. I had to google astroglide to make sure it wasn’t some car lubricant. No I’m not a totally inexperience virgin, we use something called KY (snigger, snigger) in the UK. It’s totally clear and in stopmotion animation world its great to use as immitation water. Can you imagine walking into a chemist (drugstore) and asking for eight tubes of it! Yes I got some funny looks, I think they thought I was running a brothel.

    Comment by lynne — 10/17/2005 @ 3:52 am

  8. 5 hour naps?
    5 hour naps?
    5 HOUR NAPS???!!!!!

    have you been sneaking valium in to Miss E’s food again?

    i couldn’t load the Astroglide page for some reason, but i pretty much deduced what it was by reading further into your post.

    Comment by AMP — 10/17/2005 @ 6:00 am

  9. So the rage? I was on a med once that just killed me. I kept having the urge to throw the VCR through the TV. And scream at everyone. Except I kind of did that one.

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 10/17/2005 @ 7:34 am

  10. If it was astroglide…you must of been slippery. me? allergic to it.

    Comment by Fellow Eskimo — 10/17/2005 @ 7:46 am

  11. I have heard of astroglide before but we mostly use the KY stuff like Lynne mentioned. :) Ky Jelly to be infact. And no they do not make it in Kentucky. I get that question alot. Sounds like you had a interesting day SJ. I wish I could get a massage and a break. I would take the $35 massage. *L*

    Comment by Kristie H — 10/17/2005 @ 8:07 am

  12. Umm, SJ? You were totally in a brothel. But hey, if the massage was good, who cares, right?
    I once went on a “spa” raid with the cops in the town I was covering. It had theme rooms (Wild West, Ancient Greece, etc.) so the johns, er, stressed out moms, could really get into the experience.
    Unfortunately, we found out after the raid that they also had a sophisticated closed-circuit TV system recording everything. So umm, yeah, I’ll be looking for you on the next episode of “Cathouse.”

    Comment by MamaQ — 10/17/2005 @ 8:23 am

  13. That’s so funny! I don’t even know what to say… I just can’t stop laughing.

    Comment by dillygirl — 10/17/2005 @ 8:54 am

  14. I wouldn’t know what astroglide smells like, I’m too pure and innocent for that.

    Comment by Y — 10/17/2005 @ 10:32 am

  15. Oh my gosh, I’m dying laughing here! That is just too disgusting for words though! The thought of lube covering my body is just the most uncomfortable thing I can think of…

    Comment by Angela — 10/17/2005 @ 10:33 am

  16. um, i’m still stuck on the five hour nap thing….

    Comment by MoxieMomma — 10/17/2005 @ 10:43 am

  17. I’m laughing so hard here! You were totally at a Rub&Tug, lady. Next time ask for the ‘House Special’ ;-)

    Comment by kim — 10/17/2005 @ 10:52 am

  18. Ya know, I’m thinking a happy ending massage wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Provided the person giving the happy ending massage was male and hot.

    Comment by Heatheranne — 10/17/2005 @ 10:57 am

  19. Was the chick asian?? There are lots of Asian brothels fronting as “spas” here you know. Too funny though!!

    My hubs and I went to New Orleans and we both got massages at the same time (both masseuses? were male). They had us on our bellies and of course your face is in that hemmoroid looking pillow thing and you can’t see anything but the floor. So afterward, I told my husband that I loved it when the guy was rubbing my ass —just to see his face!!! It was hilarious!

    Glad you got out.

    Comment by Debbie — 10/17/2005 @ 12:01 pm

  20. This one time, in the mountains…

    We stayed in a hippie-crunchy type place we really like and I decided to get a massage. First I was instructed to get totally naked in the locker room and WALK down a hallway to the massage room, where I was greeted by semi-darkness and 6 tables, each with their own naked chick under a sheet and massage therapist. It was the strangest massage experience ever, but also the best body work I’ve ever had. Communal massage. You heard it here first.

    Comment by MollieBee — 10/17/2005 @ 1:06 pm

  21. Uh-I am going to the spa this weekend for a massage/facial-there better not be ANY happy endings there. I also do not feel like being lubed up with Astroglide. I laughed so hard at your story. Poor SJ, all you wanted was to relax and you get ripped off! What’s up with kids driving knocked up chicks crazy? Mine have driven me insane for weeks now!

    Comment by Corrie — 10/17/2005 @ 5:38 pm

  22. Oh my dear God, you sent me over the edge with the pet-salon gland massage. I can’t stop laughing.

    Comment by Jenn — 10/17/2005 @ 8:17 pm

  23. Um, I definitely think you walked into a Whack Shack. Houston does have more than it’s fair share of those. Go with the massage school next time, they definitely don’t use Astroglide. **wink**

    Comment by Crystal — 10/17/2005 @ 8:54 pm

  24. oh what i would give to be covered in astroglide right now….ah yes…huH? i’m kidding. really. i’m glad you took the time out for a massage even if it was a sketchy one. sometimes those are the best kind.

    Comment by Curly Girl — 10/17/2005 @ 9:15 pm

  25. At least when you’re pregnant the rage is somewhat accepted. I haven’t been pregnant since 8/2004 and the “temper” is still here. Actually, I think I’ve been pissed since 12/2001 when I got pregnant the first time.

    All I could think about was how pissed I’d be that the massage lady was talking so much. Totally cuts into chillaxing. See? Always pissed.

    BTW, we are really going to have to find a different lube, now that you are going to be associated with Astroglide in my mind.

    Comment by Arianne — 10/17/2005 @ 10:14 pm

  26. I want a massage too!

    Comment by denise — 10/17/2005 @ 10:32 pm

  27. Hubby & I are big fans of astroglide!

    Comment by nancy — 10/17/2005 @ 11:08 pm

  28. Save the Whales! Collect the entire set.

    Your readers know WAY more about massage than I do. And I’m laughing at the thought of you slip sliding away…

    I’m also reminded of the “love” scene from Caddyshack.

    Comment by ben — 10/18/2005 @ 10:31 am

  29. Yeah, when you’re pregnant, I’d say a happy ending is being able to drift off to sleep while someone rubs anything BUT the naughty bits…

    Hell, I’m not pregnant and I think that would be a lovely happy ending for me.

    Comment by JustLinda — 10/18/2005 @ 10:35 am

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