Phallus Malice

I come from a long line of vaginas, which is kind of funny, considering I was born by c-section. If you ever go to a family reunion of mine, which you won’t because we aren’t the type of people that want to reunite, all the women that are related have different last names.

Basically, our hypothetical family reunions are not sausage fests.

So, it came as quite a surprise to some that Little Jizzy would, in fact, live up to his name. Everyone on my side expected a girl, even though everyone on The Hubs’ side wanted a boy. (And by everyone, I’m just saying that because it sounds better to make generalizations on here.)

After we saw the ultrasound of Little Jizzy, I jokingly refered to him as “tripod.”

I’m down with spreading the vag lips to clean poop. But? Wiping poop off the ol’ twig and giggleberries? That just doesn’t seem right. Vaginas are all nice and neat and tucked out of the way and there’s that penis, shouting to the world “hello, here I am. Don’t I look perfectly ugly today?”

Gone are the “power to the vagina” comments. Now I’ll have to be all “Power to the penis and the vagina,” though I’ll whisper behind my hand to Miss E that we really still do have “vagina power.”

I have prepared myself for buying tampons for my daughter. I will bring her to buy bras and go to the gyno. But? What the heck do I do with a boy? Do I teach him about checking his nuts for cancer?

At what point do I take him aside and explain that if he trims the downstairs hedge, that his PeePee will look longer? Or? Is that something the father does?

I can not talk about erections without erupting into giggles and shouting “boner!”

I hope to create a household where my kids feel comfortable talking to me about things. I mean, as much as I enjoyed watching the TV show “Roseanne” (when I was 9) and then asking my Mom what a period was (Darlene got her first one) and soonafter, my mom returned with a FREAKING BOOK, I’d like for my children to not be as perverted as I am. I have a feeling that having access to a book that showed a man going from little baby to um, full-fledged adult, all the while nude, had something to do with it.

Okay, I know, that’s probably not going to happen. My kids will fill condoms with shaving cream and soak tampons in ketchup. That’s a given.

I’ll just hope that my children can grow up and manage to stifle their laughter when they hear words such as box, beaver and erect.

33 Comments

  1. My mom totally did that too. How did I learn about the way babies were made? A book. Peer pressure? Book. Masturbation? Book. No conversations mind you, just a book waiting for me on my bed when I came home from school. Yes. I am now very screwed up.

    Comment by Eulallia — 10/12/2005 @ 10:01 pm

  2. Oh. Just wait. As I said in the post where you announced it was a boy, you’ll finally get to experience the PURE JOY that is cleaning poop off of balls. Oh, and the stories I can tell you about questions like “Mom, why does my penis get big when I touch it?”

    It’s all balls. All the time. And then, they grow hair on them.

    Pure awesomeness, man. The Penis is Great Fun!

    Comment by Y — 10/12/2005 @ 10:03 pm

  3. My mom did TOO! Man, how sad is that–it must have be the way “you handled things” with the kids back then. Sad. Very sad.

    Oh, and I have experience with both boy and girl diapers now. Let me tell you, ugly penal areas aside, boy diapers are SO much easier. The twig and berries keep the poop in back. There’s none of that lovely vaginal “poop caulking” that goes on with baby girl’s. I’m telling you it is SO much better…that is, until your son decides to pee on you while you are changing diapers. Watch out for that one!!!

    Comment by Steph. — 10/12/2005 @ 10:10 pm

  4. Steph is right about the boy diapers being so much more tidy. When my daughter had spectacular poop explosions I always worried whether I’d really gotten every nook and cranny clean.

    Now with my son, I often find myself saying things like, “You know, you can let go of it sometimes, and it won’t fall off or anything,” or “Yes, it’s quite lovely, but I think it’s time to stop showing it to everyone now.”

    Comment by Mir — 10/12/2005 @ 10:29 pm

  5. I’m the oldest of three girls and I have three sons. I can’t picture cleaning the mess out of all the “folds” that a baby girl has. The boy thing was…well…a surprise, but not as bad as it sounds. Actually, I think I prefer it. Just learn to lean waaaaaaaay back when changing the diaper. Or..throw an extra something over the exposed area, and that will keep you from getting hosed in the process. Good luck….I’ve loved every minute.

    Comment by worldgirl — 10/12/2005 @ 11:26 pm

  6. In the spirit of snickering: Teacher’s Guide to Words That Make Kids Snicker. During slow or tense moments with my eighth graders, I’d put an overhead up of this and wait for the tension to ease. It worked every time.

    Comment by mrtl — 10/12/2005 @ 11:32 pm

  7. OMG, that’s hysterical! I come from a family with lots of women, and often thought the same things. Since we could only see our boy’s bits in the first ultrasound, I PRAYED I wouldn’t have 2 boys, it would have killed me!! Now, I adore having a son, he’s so much closer to me than his sister. Of course, I’ll leave all the explanations to his dad. It is more fun teasing Shane when he’s nekkid, “I see your weiner!! I see your weiner!!” With Maddie it’s like “I see your tushie!” because the word “vagina” makes N cringe. ***Sigh*** We’re SO mature in the Insanity household!

    Comment by Crystal — 10/13/2005 @ 12:33 am

  8. Things to teach? How to aim is a big one around my house (mom of 3 B). One day as I was cleaning around the toilet wondering if any of the piss actually made it in and realized, “Why am I cleaning this? I don’t miss!!!” After that my boys clean their own bathroom and it was AMAZING how their aim improved once they had to clean it up.

    Second thing to teach…."No, mommy is not missing something or is anything less than you are because she has no penis.” Yes, they automatically graded girls as lesser than because we didn’t have one. Funny how that male brain works (oops, an oxymoron!).

    Comment by Debbie — 10/13/2005 @ 6:21 am

  9. No one every told me that triming my hedge would make my peepee look bigger. Maybe I should try it.

    Comment by mace — 10/13/2005 @ 7:06 am

  10. I was very girl-centric. One of the edvantages of being a birth mom is that I didn’t have to clean my eldest’s junk. Jack’s penis on the ultrasound almost elicited a louder “shit” than the pink stripe on the pregnancy test. And it is difficult, especially when the junk is still healing from it’s trim. But I’m mostly used to it now. Except when he pees straight up in the air.

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 10/13/2005 @ 7:48 am

  11. I have two boys and I always assumed that Hubby would be the one to take care of those things (checking the noots for lumps and all). My oldest would never talk to me about those things; my youngest will most likely yell it from the rooftops. Just wait until he learns that if he plays with it it’ll grow. The, of course, there’s the Boy Juice talk…

    Comment by warcrygirl — 10/13/2005 @ 7:55 am

  12. Ha ha…

    At least your mom taught you about stuff. Mine thought it was dirty to even mention the word “vagina” let alone “S-E-X.” I had to piece it together on my own.

    Don’t know what I’m having yet….but I’m sure the poopy diapers will be fun either way.
    Don’t

    Comment by Adrienne — 10/13/2005 @ 9:35 am

  13. That’s so funny. My daughter is due in about 3 weeks, and I’m so used to little boys, I’m a bit intimidated by the vagina….sounds absurd coming from a woman, but it’s true. Boy parts are all out there, nothing hidden, easy to clean, and make sure that it’s clean. Girls on the other hand….all those hidden folds, nooks, crannies…..I’m a bit apprehensive!
    On the boy front, it becomes soooo clear how men got the way they are about their penises…..they start early! Too funny.

    Comment by mmc — 10/13/2005 @ 9:52 am

  14. My oldest son is 12 and physically maturing. We are way past the diapers, and on to even scarier territory. His father just can’t bring himself to have the talk, so I decided to attempt it. Apparantly he had heard it all in health class already and informed me that he hadn’t had any wet dreams , and wouldn’t be discussing them with me when and if he ever did. The end.

    My own talk with my mom was even briefer, the night before she dropped me off at college she asked if we needed to talk about sex. I said “No” and that was it.

    Comment by clickmom — 10/13/2005 @ 10:26 am

  15. I lost all hope in having a relationship with my mother when, in front of all the kids at a footbell game, she yelled, “Melanie! Don’t hug boys!! Your breasts will rub against them and they’ll get a boner!”

    KILL.ME.NOW.

    Comment by Holy Schmidt! — 10/13/2005 @ 10:36 am

  16. I learn so much just reading the comments here. I know nothing about babies except what I have already learned from my 15 month old little boy. I never expected him to find his crank (Daddy’s term for “it") at such a young age. I also never expected for him to smile so adorably at me all the while he pulls on his foreskin. I never expected for him to have a baby erection, much less for it to flop around at me while I change his diaper. The crank probably provides us, the parents, with as much amusement as it provides E, we are the ones who make up songs about it.

    Comment by Happay — 10/13/2005 @ 10:46 am

  17. I had just the opposite reaction with my kids. I started out with two boys -and trust me, it is much easier to clean poop out from under and round nuts than it is to clean poop from all the folds and crevices on a girl. I felt so dirty the first time I had to clean my baby girl. Just felt like I was violating her. Trust me, cleaning boys will be WAY easier. Just a piece of advice from one mom to another - keep washcloths or cloth diapers/burp rags nearby whenever bathing or changing a boy - because they get little baby erections AND then pee! So, they shoot pee everywhere - in your face, in their own face, in their own ears … it is just cleaner and easier to have a little baby washcloth there and you can see it get darker if baby boy is peeing. That is a much nicer surprise than getting shot in the ear with baby pee!

    Comment by Army of Mom — 10/13/2005 @ 11:34 am

  18. Army of Mom said it all better than I ever could. I bought one of those 12 for $2 stacks of washcloths at Tarjhet and keep them handy in the diaper stacker on the changing table at all times. Having worked daycare a good portion of my high school and early college life, baby boys are without. a. doubt. a million times easier to change dirty diapers. However, it’s the potty training stage that I’m about to enter with son #1 that should be a real joy and treasure…

    Comment by robyn — 10/13/2005 @ 12:53 pm

  19. Zkat, for some reason, thinks a boys thing is a peanut. Because that’s what her cousin (a boy) called it.

    I never knew that a vagina wasn’t called a cooter at least until like high school.

    Comment by debutaunt — 10/13/2005 @ 1:17 pm

  20. My hubs is so funny when cleaning our son’s poopy balls. He dabs and dabs and uses probably 6 wipes. I just wipe them off and don’t nancy pants about the issue. My husband can’t believe how “rough” I am. So I think women have a bonus about not knowing exactly how delicate the little nutters are. My son is not a peer. I think I’ve been peed on only 2 or 3 times in 9 months. He does however like to spray in the tub. V v funny.

    Comment by Rayne of Terror — 10/13/2005 @ 3:11 pm

  21. Just wait until he starts grabbing his poop covered junk. I tell you from fecal-hand experience, it’s pure joy.

    Comment by BIYF — 10/13/2005 @ 3:30 pm

  22. I was one of three girls, and now I have three boys. That’s 3 penises and 6 balls, if you don’t count my husband’s equipment. I’ve already attempted The Talk, and it went nothing like I expected. (I actually wrote about it– it’s in July Archives: It’s Natural But It’s Rated R).

    Prepare yourself. Those peckers are pesky early. Good Luck. Anne

    Comment by Anne Glamore — 10/13/2005 @ 3:35 pm

  23. I still snicker at the word, “wood.” I’m a total dork.

    Comment by Amy Steier — 10/13/2005 @ 5:32 pm

  24. Oh man. This post brought back some memories. In my son’s journal [which I write as if he’s writing it…because I’m a geek] I wrote:

    So anyway, I had a little accident and I was leaking out of my diaper. Mom took me in to the bathroom to clean me up. She lifted up my legs to wipe my bottom. Next thing she knows my face is all wet. Then she realized that I had just peed all over my face and I was still going. She felt awful and quickly covered me up. Once I was done, she cleaned me up and took me back out to my awaiting family. Of course she had forgotten to bring an extra outfit, so I sat through the rest of breakfast in just my diaper and wrapped in a blanket.

    I have four boys and one girl –all out of diapers now– and I barely remember changing her diapers. But I have some hilarious stories about the boys peeing half way across the living room or in my best friends lap or on their doctors. Boys offer hours of laughter and some good blogging material.

    But I agree. Us girls…we still have the “vagina power.”

    Comment by Christine — 10/13/2005 @ 11:12 pm

  25. Hee hee. You said spreading.

    *blushing*

    Comment by Torrie — 10/14/2005 @ 8:09 am

  26. OMG too funny! And please note - a little boy will play with his penis many times a day from the moment he is able to reach it…I don’t think that EVER stops…ever. And little boy erections are truly HILARIOUS, esp. when 3 year old says “Look Mommy! My penis gets bigger when I touch it!” What on earth do you say to that?

    Comment by nancy — 10/14/2005 @ 10:31 am

  27. my brother was 10 when my father died. our mother bought him a set of books to explain the changes he would be going through in life. The biggest change, however, was the stream of little boys going back to his room to look at the books.

    My partner and I are raising her 3 year old nephew (we got him when he was 9 months). His favorite thing to do when we are riding in the van (I sit in the back with him - he in a safety seat - me in my wheelchair), is to pull his penis out of his pants so that the tip sticks up beyond his seatbelt and then call my name so I will look. Holly says just ignore it. I say just don’t jam the brakes. How would you explain this in the emergency room?

    Comment by Morgan — 10/14/2005 @ 12:48 pm

  28. CONGRATULATIONS! Before long (tee hee, I said “long"), you’ll think that little penis is the cutest thing in the world. The bonus to you is that the Hubs gets to tackle such topics as wet dreams, erections and condoms. You’re OFF THE HOOK! Yay!

    When I was pregnant, my in-laws announced in their Christmas letter that they were hoping for a boy. I have two girls, thankyouverymuch!

    Comment by Laura — 10/14/2005 @ 9:21 pm

  29. I think boy babies are easier to clean because there’s no gaping v-hole. It’s a good thing, too, because boys usually take longer to potty train.

    Comment by Texas T-bone — 10/15/2005 @ 11:45 am

  30. OOOooo lala I like your new banner. It’s perverted AND festive, I love it.

    And wiping baby boy nuts can be quite entertaining, especially when they pee in their own eyes.

    Comment by Susan — 10/15/2005 @ 4:50 pm

  31. I always figured that my husband would teach my son whatever he needs to know when he gets to that age. Because i figure my husband wouldn’t want to be the one talking to our future daughter, if we have a girl later on, about her first period.

    Comment by denise — 10/15/2005 @ 7:54 pm

  32. Oh, SJ, where are you? I miss you so.

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 10/16/2005 @ 6:52 pm

  33. Are you kidding me, being able to laugh at adolescent toilet humor is the Number One best thing about having a son. And it’s true about the Meat and Two Veg holding the poop at bay – usually.
    Congratulations, SJ. Enjoy your son.
    I am one of five sisters, and my mom’s whole side of the family is TOTALLY vag-centric – positively lousy with women. It’s cool, but the drama is enough to make me thank Jeebus I have a son.

    Comment by MamaQ — 10/17/2005 @ 8:33 am

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