Might as well put it on speed dial

For anyone playing along at home, it took exactly 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks and 1 day for me to have to make my first call to Poison Control for my daughter.

You see, The Hubs has this “grand” idea that I should let Miss E see me sitting on the potty so that she is aware that one sits on the potty to do their business. (For any of you wondering, I only let her see me go #1. Nobody watches me poop.)

He keeps saying “If you don’t let her see you on the potty, she won’t learn!” Therefore, not wanting to be the one inhibiting her learning, I let her watch.

She was busy in the living room, playing with a tension rod for the curtains and watching Oprah, so I jotted off to the potty. I left the door open, you know, to please The Hubs, but didn’t plan on inviting her in to watch me tinkle.

Next thing I know, here comes Miss E, tension rod in tow, into the bathroom. She takes one look at me on the toilet and makes a run for the drawers. You see, it is hard for a Mommy to stop a baby from ravaging through drawers when her own drawers are around her ankles. Before I could do anything, I saw her with a bottle of contact cleaning solution.

“No, Ellie,” I say as I finish up my business. “Put that up!”

I rush across the room and pull the bottle out of her mouth. Yup, she was drinking contact cleaning solution.

I think I mumbled a 4-letter-word as I read the label. Not feeling sure of what to do, I call my Mom, who tells me to contact Poison Control.

After finding out that the boric acid in the solution might upset her stomach, though she would be okay, Sal, the guy answering the phone asks me a few questions.

“What is your name?” Sarcastic Journalist.
“What is your zip code?” 77—
“What is your child’s name?” Ellie.

She is also healthy, not allergic to anything but milk and is 15-months-old.

I have a feeling they keep these records for future purposes. Perhaps they compare the calls into poison control with the juvenile court cases in ten years?

“Oh, yes, Ellie. She drank contact cleaning solution and now she’s setting houses on fire.”

I guess it explains it. I accidentally poisoned myself with a roach bomb in high school (nausea, vomiting, sweating and plain out nastiness followed) and now look at me! I’m “The Sarcastic Journalist!” Some random idiot on the ‘net, telling people about my child’s bowel movements.

I guess I’ve already messed up Miss E. I guess, for Little Jizzy, I will only use organic cleaning supplies. That way, I have a fifty/fifty chance of having at least one normal child.


  1. Hey don’t feel bad. I drank a half a glass of Shout laundry stain remover when I was 2 and I’m completely normal. At least that’s what the nice people keep telling me.

    Comment by April — 10/11/2005 @ 9:19 pm

  2. My kid drank calamine lotion while staying with my mother. She freaked and called poison control. It’s these fast and nosey kids that keep those poison control people in business.

    Comment by NinaKaye — 10/11/2005 @ 9:31 pm

  3. Give up on Ellie. Concentrate on Jizzy. You’ve already screwed up the first one. Why bother trying to set the record straight when you’ve got a clean slate ahead of you???

    (I imagine the only thing contact solution would do would be to make a kid’s poop runny)

    Comment by Laura — 10/11/2005 @ 9:38 pm

  4. at least your child wasn’t drinking pee like my kid did last week. i think it’ll be a miracle if my kids survive me as a mom…

    Comment by gorillabuns — 10/11/2005 @ 10:31 pm

  5. so that’s why they ask you those questions. Lexie is doomed then. I’ve had to call twice for her now. I wonder what vicodin and anti-fungal cream will do to her as an adult?…

    Comment by christina — 10/12/2005 @ 12:25 am

  6. Ahhh, the good old Poison Control Centre, the neurotic parent’s best resource. I called once because my first son sprayed Static Guard into his mouth. Another time when he ate kitty litter. Yet another time when he was bitten by a snake (as it turns out there are no poisonous snakes on the west coast of Canada, but whatever…)

    I even have a friend who called once when her son swallowed the toothpaste instead of spitting it out into the sink. She thought he was going to have flouride poisoning and end up in ‘the special class’ for the rest of his life.

    Don’t worry, by the time you have more than one child you actually wait until they pass out and turn blue before calling because, hey, you don’t wanna look crazy or anything…

    Comment by kim — 10/12/2005 @ 2:26 am

  7. Holy crap! I’VE been drinking contact lens solution for years and didn’t know it was poisonous! Seriously, I am happy to know she turned out okay and didn’t turn into a contact lens bottle.

    Comment by mrsmogul — 10/12/2005 @ 3:47 am

  8. Jack has gotten a bit too mobile, and I am still a bit too much of a slob. Yesterday alone I found him with plastic bags on two separate occasions (yes, they are all put away now) and once with coax cable wrapped around him. Peeing is the most dangerous thing a mom can do it seems.

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 10/12/2005 @ 6:28 am

  9. Boric acid is good; you know, for keeping out ants. So you should be all set with Ellie repelling those fuckers for the next few weeks or so.

    Comment by AMP — 10/12/2005 @ 7:50 am

  10. I’m a little suspicious of calling Poison Control, and what might happen if I call too much, so I try to call from different numbers each time - my home phone, my cell phone, my husband’s cell phone. I also vary the accents and just plain make up names. I figure with as many calls as I’ve made, better safe than sorry.
    And I’ll save you one call– you can eat 13 holly berries before you have to go to the hospital. Apparently it’s #14 that sends you over the edge!

    Comment by Anne Glamore — 10/12/2005 @ 8:32 am

  11. I’ve never had to call, but expect to virtually everyday. Glad it wasn’t anything serious.

    Comment by mmc — 10/12/2005 @ 9:28 am

  12. I hate how the poison control center takes down all your information like that. I had to call about 2 mos ago because my then 14 mos old little girl decided to chew on the wall around my window and got quite a bit of paint off and in her mouth and plaster and whatever else is around the window *L* They said she would be fine, since there was no lead in the paint. So now you will know it is safe if Ellie eats paint, if your home is built after 1970 or something *L*

    Comment by Kristie H — 10/12/2005 @ 9:34 am

  13. I called poison control once for my son. If I remember right, I think it was Goo Gone that he drank a bit of. Nothing ever happened, they just told me that he would have a belly ache.

    Comment by Priscilla — 10/12/2005 @ 9:43 am

  14. Welcome tot he “I know the poison control number by heart” club.

    It was inevitable, I too have made THE CALL. Our non toxic treats have included orange scented air freshener, children’s multi vitamins (half a bottle), and peeling paint chips. I always give true information and then swear I’m a good mom, and pray no one from social services shows up at the door.

    Comment by clickmom — 10/12/2005 @ 10:01 am

  15. Did you taste it? The solution?

    Kids are so weird. You can’t get them to eat food that’s perfectly delicious, but they’ll drink bath water and anything else. Maybe it would help to yell, “NO! Don’t eat that! Put that down!” at the dinner table.

    Comment by mrtl — 10/12/2005 @ 10:17 am

  16. Luckily my child doesn’t eat anything except hot dogs and pizza and refuses to put anything else in his mouth so hopefully I won’t be calling Poison Control anytime soon.

    On the other hand, I ate rat poison when I was his age and had to have my stomach pumped and spend the night in the hospital for observation just in case b/c they didn’t know how long it had been since I ingested the stuff.

    Comment by Julie — 10/12/2005 @ 10:20 am

  17. I never called Poison Control for my two oldest kids. Not once. With my youngest…3 times in the last few months. The culprits? suncreen, shampoo, and those cone-shaped airfresheners with the gell on the inside.

    He’s also eaten a rock, a nickle, a penny, an earring, and his big sister’s poop.

    Comment by Autumn — 10/12/2005 @ 10:28 am

  18. I drank a bottle of that throat numbing spray when I was five. I had to swallow charcoal stuff to make me throw up…was putrid. It got on my mommys new carpet too.

    Comment by Fellow Eskimo — 10/12/2005 @ 11:38 am

  19. You should cut off the solution label and paste it into her baby book.


    Comment by MollieBee — 10/12/2005 @ 12:45 pm

  20. My daughter ate Ben Gay.

    Yeah. Not the same kind of tingle as toothpaste.

    Comment by coolbeans — 10/12/2005 @ 2:15 pm

  21. My friend Hunzer’s son ate three of her birth control pills the other day. It happens. My own dear boy shook a jar of Strawberry Quik powder all over the kitchen. That was special.
    Me, I was a drinker. Half a bottle of orange cough syrup and a capful of shampoo. No wonder I’m messed up.

    Comment by MamaQ — 10/12/2005 @ 6:13 pm

  22. When my sister was 3, she waited till mom and dad were watching the news (the only thign they did together when we were kids) then went into the pantry and dumped a bag of rigitoni on the floor. Then she went into the locked cupboard under the sink and got the comet out. you guessed it, she sprinkled it on the rigatoni and began eating it. SHE was OK. She got itchy and broke out in hives, but she continues to live, even to this day. However, when I was cleaning up the mess, I swept all the rigatoni into the dust pan and carried the dust pan outside to put in the big trash. I dropped one of the rigatoni and some of the commet on the ground. Out of the garden comes this little grey mouse. He sniffs the rigatoni, then went lick lick lick. A second later, it dropped onto its side, convulsed for several seconds, then died.

    Comment by Tammy — 10/12/2005 @ 6:17 pm

  23. At least, she’s okay!

    Comment by denise — 10/12/2005 @ 6:23 pm

  24. Z baby got me with a spray of Lysol in the mouth. I got chemical pneumonia when I was like 3 from drinking charcoal lighter fluid. My neighbors thought it would be helpful to keep it in a Coke can.

    Just use a catheter. E won’t be able to get into anything ever again.

    Comment by debutaunt — 10/12/2005 @ 9:52 pm

  25. De-lurking to say it was amazing that I lived past four. I ate powdered laundry soap, potting soil, bar soap, Easy-Off oven cleaner, almost drowned four times, and fell enough times that by the time I was five could Ace bandage my own ankles. Ahh, the fun of my youth.

    Comment by Eeek — 10/12/2005 @ 10:02 pm

  26. I knew a chick who drank bleach, burned herself while wearing a shirt she was ironing and got run over by Santa Claus in a Christmas parade.

    Comment by Texas T-bone — 10/15/2005 @ 11:46 am

  27. Charlie (he’s 3) drank 3/4ths of a bottle of Children’s Motrin a few weeks ago. Yep, the kind with “child proof” tops. I called PC and when they asked me what happened I became hysterical. I was sure he would drop onto the floor and start having convulsions any minute.

    I was pretty unsure of the amount he drank since I couldn’t remember exactly how much was in the bottle. It really freaked me out when the PC guy kept trying to pin down exactly how much he had ingested (why was it so important to know? if I’m off by a tsp or two does it mean he will die any minute?), so we had to basically go with worse case scenario. Thankfully it turned out to be one of those “he’ll be sleepy and have a tummy ache” situations.

    At first I thought PC asked all those questions so they could call to follow up, but they never did. Now it seems like they are keeping track so they can come to my house and arrest me. Why else would they need a record of all the stuff we “allow” our kids to get into? I felt like such a loser admitting Charlie had gotten into the Motrin. It was like admitting I wasn’t watching him (which, I wasn’t!). Doh.

    Comment by Arianne — 10/15/2005 @ 9:01 pm

  28. Hi,

    Guess who spent yesterday at the hospital getting nellie tru-sers leg xrayed b/c she thought she’d broken it when she fell over (naked and wet) with naked wet wriggly baby thursday night? That’s right, thursday nigh. What happened friday you say? Well, she seemed ok so I took her to the children’s museum. As you do when you are the world’s worst mother and you might have just broken your baby’s leg…you take them out of a fun day the museum.

    Officially it is not broken. Officially? I suck.


    Comment by casemnor — 10/16/2005 @ 9:19 am

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