You can’t make this stuff up

Today I caught myself thinking that I should enter The Publisher’s Clearinghouse you know, so I could win a million dollars on Thanksgiving. Forget the fact that we won’t be here on Thanksgiving so they’d be knocking on an empty door, forget the fact that we don’t order things through them, I want that money!

Since I now have No Life, I like to watch America’s Most Wanted on FOX. Sure, the re-enactments are okay, but I am watching to catch a crook.

I figure, out of all the weirdos that have come in and out of my life, at least one of them has to be on America’s Most Wanted! Even better! What if he/she is and there’s a reward? It would be like Christmas twice over: I’d get to turn someone in AND I’d get some money!

Mama’s got a new pair of shoes thanks to turning in Uncle Lenny!

Internet, I wish I could tell you about all the psychos/creeps/crazy people I know. Man, the stories are good. But, I have to keep them “somewhat” anonymous considering that it seems you know, people in my family like to read this little site.

I have this one relative that met his wife at a strip club. Where she was the dancer. They eventually broke up and she had several children in prison.

One of these kids, I’m not making this up, was a crack baby named “Heaven Leigh.”

That sounds like something Britney would name her child. The reason I know about the crack reference because my cute little grandmother said “That baby, she was born addicted to the crack.”

I honestly can’t count how many cousins I have. Once it gets into the double digits, I stop counting. Besides, these people are humping like bunnies. You turn around and someone else is dropping a baby out of their crotch.

The funny thing is, when I first got pregnant with Miss E, I told The Hubs “Ha, yeah guess I forgot to tell you how fertile my family is.”

Speaking of dropping kids out of your crotch, have you heard of the Scientology Birth?

It is a completely quiet birth experience where there should be no sound WHATSOEVER during the process.

Excuse me? Wait?

“It’s just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them (babies) in their future.”

So that’s what’s wrong with the world! Women moaning while something the size of a watermelon shoots out of their twat. Whatever, Tom. I have a feeling that guy can’t take a crap without wanting to jump on Oprah’s couch to shout about it.

And, if she is giving birth to the AntiChrist, won’t it be a little hard to keep quiet while the horns tear your cooter to shreads?

27 Comments

  1. i have heard about the no noise business. apparently kelly preston “did it". my ass.

    Comment by jenB — 10/6/2005 @ 10:32 pm

  2. The concept of a noiseless birth is kind of silly when one considers that YOU POOP DURING CHILDBIRTH!

    Comment by Dad Gone Mad — 10/6/2005 @ 10:50 pm

  3. I totally agree with you on Tom Cruise. I think most women who adored him are re-thinking a lot about his stability. He is not a nice person. Nicole is lucky to be divorced from the creep.

    Comment by MICHAEL MANNING — 10/7/2005 @ 1:40 am

  4. I think that stuff about being calm and relaxed and quiet during labor and childbirth is for the OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM! Not for the benefit of mom and baby. I felt better moaning with the pain. It seemed natural and normal. But everyone wanted me to breathe and be quiet which made me push when they didn’t want me to so they got cranky about that.

    Tom Cruise shouldn’t be reproducing. It creeps me out.

    Comment by coolbeans — 10/7/2005 @ 1:51 am

  5. I remember Kidman after she divorced him saying: “now I can wear heels.”
    Jesus, what a fucking nut.

    Comment by AMP — 10/7/2005 @ 5:54 am

  6. Oh my God, I can’t believe this article, what the F…. silent birth! So ok, do I take it to mean, it’s uneccessary for women to express any pain during birth and were just attention seeking when we let any rip and moans and groans while an eight pound, volley ball makes it’s merry way down our birth canal. Patronising bull ***** ! I can’t believe Tom Cruise knocked up little Joey from Dawsons Creek. Oh my gawd that’s all the world needs, a perky little hybrid of those two.

    Comment by ginger — 10/7/2005 @ 6:06 am

  7. Did Katie know about this before she got pregnant?? So, now she can’t whine with the baby blues OR scream obscenities whilst in labor?

    Tom Cruise is gay anyway and she is a cover. Maybe in the delivery room she’ll scream THAT out! That’s a show I would buy a ticket too.

    Comment by Debbie — 10/7/2005 @ 6:52 am

  8. You have got to be kidding me? GIVE ME DRUGS! sorry to yell on your site, but giving birth hurts. Bad. Silent my a**. I respect women that do it naturally, without drugs, or at home with a mid-wife. But, I’m betting they’re not silent.

    Comment by lawbrat — 10/7/2005 @ 8:15 am

  9. I just hope poor Katie doesn’t have PPD after she has the baby.
    You know, I am sure she will be fine with just excercise and vitamins!

    Comment by Tuesdayef — 10/7/2005 @ 8:21 am

  10. What would be GREAT is if the Publisher Clearing House person knocks on your door and you recognize the guy from Americas Most Wanted!!! Yeah, baby!!

    Heaven Leigh is a character from a VC Andrews book and I read ALL of those when I was in high school, so I’m assuming this relative was FOURTEEN when she birthed little Heaven, right???

    As for Tom Cruise, I read someone say that Katie should grow her nails out REAL long and squeeze his ball sack each time she needs to get through a contraction. THEN let’s see how silent the birth is. hahahahah

    Comment by JustLinda — 10/7/2005 @ 8:53 am

  11. Ugh… Tom and Katie… or Kate I should say. You know, I look at Nicole Kidman and I look at Tom now and I just get all squicked out thinking of them together. She seems like such a class act and he seems… just… so… well, crazy!

    Comment by Angela — 10/7/2005 @ 12:12 pm

  12. Oh and I forgot to say… whenever I get one of those Publisher’s Clearing House envelopes that say I’ve won a million dollars, I always totally believe it, because just *maybe* *this time* it’ll be real!

    Comment by Angela — 10/7/2005 @ 12:13 pm

  13. I want so badly to make some sort of joke about the silent birth but it just makes me too angry. L Ron Hubbard was a frickin’ lunatic and so are the rest of them.

    Comment by sherry — 10/7/2005 @ 1:06 pm

  14. Oh my God…so much to say!!!

    1. I’d turn my husband over to the Feds in a heartbeat if they’d pay off my mortgage and pay me child support. I really would. I’ve been thinking about it quite seriously.

    2. I’ve worked with a Heaven Leigh. Actually, she wasn’t my kid. But she probably was born addicted to crack.

    3. Good luck to Katie (ooops, KATE) with the whole “having birth without making a sound” shit. I’m laughing hysterically just thinking about it. UM….Tom??? L. Ron was a MAN wasn’t he? I’m guessing L. Ron never gave birth to anything but that stupid pseudo religion. Proportionately speaking, passing a baby out of your vagina is the equivalent of passing a grapefruit through your penis. Try to do THAT in silence, will ya?

    Comment by Laura — 10/7/2005 @ 1:54 pm

  15. oh he is a big time fruit! he is the stupidest most retarded man alive.. the things he has said and done latley pfft

    Comment by beth — 10/7/2005 @ 2:25 pm

  16. I don’t know the first thing about Scientology, bit I sure did come super close to having a silent birth. During my labors I am known to scream “NO TALKING” while my head rotates 360 degrees and I spew green vomit between contractions. I am woman ~roar~

    Comment by clickmom — 10/7/2005 @ 3:07 pm

  17. I did a search for poster contests. There are alot of them out there and they all have cash awards attached to them. Given all the Boobiethon experience you have, I bet you could come up with some doozie posters.

    Comment by Happay — 10/7/2005 @ 3:37 pm

  18. They say it’s because they want the birth to be peaceful for the baby, not to frighten the baby with too much noise. The irony is that the womb is VERY noisy; louder than a vaccuum cleaner. So, wouldn’t total silence FRIGHTEN the baby?
    FREAKSHOWS.

    Comment by Torrie — 10/7/2005 @ 4:02 pm

  19. I may not be able to finish this comment, because DAMN IT, my keyboard is dyyyyyying. (ha! ha! ha! biotch)

    ok. First of all, I love how these men of scientology get all up in wimmins faces about issues involving vaginas. THE HELL?

    Oh, I’m going to have to finish this later…dyyyyyyyying.

    Comment by Y — 10/7/2005 @ 4:03 pm

  20. I Linked your site. Cool stuff!

    Comment by MICHAEL MANNING — 10/7/2005 @ 7:40 pm

  21. Strange but true.. I have been with women who were nearly silent during birth.

    I worked with a lay midwife for a few years and saw many different things in regards to birth.

    This one woman was so quiet I really though it was a mistake and she was not in labor.

    She was so in tune with her body that nothing else existed. Not a single moan escaped her lips. Once her baby was born, she scooped him up and cooed and gurgled at him and welcomed him into the world.

    Those were the first sounds I had heard her make in the nearly 10 hours we were there with her.

    I’ve also been with women who would have made a sailor blush with their cursing.

    Whatever works eh?

    Comment by Janis — 10/8/2005 @ 5:54 pm

  22. Tom’s baby is going to be worse than Brit-Brit’s.
    I’ve very scared right now

    Comment by Annie — 10/9/2005 @ 1:33 am

  23. Following the logic of the silent birth method, they should also enforce silent humping. I mean, the moment that man and woman get together do The Nasty in order to create Life is a very pivotal moment in the unborn child’s life. Therefore, silence should be observed. I wonder how Tom would like THAT one. His fat mouth hasn’t been silent in over a decade, I’d bet. Damn, his assistant or speech writer or publicist or WHOEVER it is tells celebrities what to say and, more importantly, what NOT to say should be fired. Maybe George W. Bush would hire them.

    Comment by spoonleg — 10/9/2005 @ 1:44 am

  24. Well, the crack baby thing is interesting, but the only kind of crack I’m interested in is women’s butt & cleavage cracks!

    Great post! As always, you are very witty and entertaining!

    Comment by Mr Eccentric — 10/9/2005 @ 10:23 am

  25. did you see that you got mentioned at Blog crush? congrats

    Comment by david — 10/9/2005 @ 11:07 am

  26. That’s pretty crazy stuff! That name Heaven Leigh is like..too much..

    Comment by mrsmogul — 10/9/2005 @ 4:02 pm

  27. The Scientology “silent birth": did you see that on ET too? (I swear it was the one day in like the last decade that I’ve watched that).
    I’ve never given birth, but I’m pretty sure if I ever do being silent will not be a top priority. Like the blog.

    Comment by Danielle — 10/9/2005 @ 7:53 pm

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