I’ve made the comment recently that if I knew how Miss E would act once she turned one, I might have waited awhile to get pregnant.

The terrible twos? Yeah I’ve heard of them. But man, we have the Evil Ones.

For the most part, I can deal with The Evil Ones when we are at home. Sure, she climbs on things and may pitch a fit when I put her on the ground. Sure, she may try to swat and headbutt. But? We’re in the privacy of our home.

But get the child out in public? The Child refuses to get held. No, she has to walk. And by walk, please know that I mean run wherever she wants, whenever she wants. Since I know better than to let her do that in public, I hold her hand. That can work well for a minute or two, until she decides that she does not want to do that anymore.

At that moment, we play Stop Drop and Lay on the Ground. Sometimes, if we’re feeling incredibly fun, we’ll each take an arm and drag her along, with her feet touching the ground.

Parenting is fun! All the time!

Most people are cool about our offspring showing her inner demon in the bath section of Target. There are a few, you know the type, that give us The Look. I usually want to smile and laugh while screaming that “We could stop her at any time! In fact, I’m making her scream just to tick you off!”

Ellie is really learning by leaps and bounds. If you come over to my house, be prepared to endure a very long show where I name off body parts and she points to them on me. We also have “tree,” “dog” and “ball” as words and, I’m happy to tell you, she can tell you exactly where the light, fan and sun are.

But, besides those words and a few choice animal words (duck, mouse?) she pretty much speaks jibberish. In fact, she speaks her very own language that sounds very close to Ewok. The fun really begins, however, when she gets mad.

Not only does she repeatedly hit herself in the face when you tick her off, but she also starts screaming.

It’s not just a scream, though. You want to practice her scream? Take in a deep breath and hold it. Now roll your “R” while screaming from the back of your throat.

That is the Ellie noise.

She tends to do it in short bursts, which makes the entire show even funnier. The deal is, and I’m not making this up, she sounds like someone having a tourettes outburst. I have a feeling that in a few years, we might be hearing some interesting words coming out of her mouth during these outbursts.

I guess it would probably be a good idea to wean her off all that South Park we let her watch. Because, what if a Grandparent makes her mad and one of her outbursts involves something about licking a donkey’s balls?

Seriously, since she is my child, she would be in that small percentage of Tourettes people that actually use dirty words in their tics. And, yes, I’m sure it would be about something’s penis. Could we honestly expect any less?

23 Responses to “Semantics”

  1. robyn
    October 4th, 2005 22:23

    Now see…we actually got that child the second time around… The first was our false sense of security that “it can’t be that hard - he’s really easy”. Still is. The second has involved more hurried-family-planning for this supposedly infertile couple than you can possibly imagine!

  2. MollieBee
    October 4th, 2005 22:29

    When Stinker let “fucking shit” fly the other day I knew it was time for a change in my language. Kids repeat things at the worst times. I say “shoot” instead, but it just doesn’t have the same flavor. I miss my cusswords.

  3. Y
    October 4th, 2005 22:57

    Gabby’s been doing The RRRRRRRRRRRRRR Scream since she was 6 months old. But now, it’s only when she’s tired. When she’s pissed, she does just a FULL ON GIRL SCREAM. And? She scratches your face. I currently have a row of nail marks on my upper cheek because I took the phone away from her.

    Also? Today in my post I wrote how I spend all day teaching her things, like her body parts, but she still refuses to show them BACK to me, HOWEVER, if you say “Gabby FARTED”? She’ll turn BLUE trying to push a fart out and when she finally suceeds, you HAVE TO CLAP REALLY LOUD WHILST CHEERING.

    Ok, then. HAHAHA I totally went off about my child and I’m sorry about that. hahahah

  4. beth
    October 4th, 2005 23:08

    aww hunnny the terrible 3s are 10 times worse! she is adorable though! love the belly pic too so cute! hugs
    belly rubs

  5. Misti
    October 5th, 2005 01:49

    My older son would sit on the floor in a shopping center and scream “Mama, you’re KILLING ME!” i think he was two. he would get those big aligator tears rolling. i had one little old busy body battle-axe threaten to call family services when i picked him up (screeching the whole way) and hauled his butt outta the store. i love being a mom. (really i do… the little one just started making weird “whale” noises when strangers tell him he is cute in a store) sometimes i wonder if my boys are retarded. then i think “no, they are just boys”

  6. AMP
    October 5th, 2005 05:58

    There are no ‘terrible twos.’ People must’ve gotten that wrong by a few months. At that point they can communicate somewhat w/you and you w/them. I had been warned by my wife about ages 13 mos. - 18 mos. This is the time when they’re always frustrated and can’t communicate other than that awesome back-arching and screaming shit. Or the dropping on the ground and rolling and whining shit. Oh yeaaaa….parenting is so much fun. And to all the bastards who claim: “enjoy it, time goes by so fast” I challenge them to come take over until 24 months. and ‘enjoy it.’ Fuckers! Time can’t go by fast enough for this age.

  7. clickmom
    October 5th, 2005 08:27

    While I am reluctant to admit that I can count on my fingers the total number of tantrums my three sons had-combined-(OK- now you know I have jinxed myself and will pay for it during the teenage years) I do recall an interesting guest we met at a four year olds birthday party. This little girl let out a low growl followed by a sharp yipping kind of barking. This was her signal to her parents that she was upset over something. It also served as a kind of parting of the waters as we all picked up our kids and let the barker through. While strange doesn’t even begin to describe the sight, it definitely was effective.

  8. clickmom
    October 5th, 2005 08:39

    My first comment didn’t go through, so I figure it is an omen and I wont tell you how easy my kids were. Instead I will tell you about a little girl who we met at a party who was instructed by her parents to make animal noises when she found a situation upsetting. She would make a low growl and a yippy-barking noise. It was quite effective, because when a yipping barking red faced four year old enters a room, every one clears a path for her not daring to get in her way. Weird definitely , but effective none the less.

  9. Critter's Mom
    October 5th, 2005 09:18

    My family physician does not believe in the terrible two’s but instead prescribes to the “odd years are the worst” philosopy. This is proving true with Critter. :)

  10. JustLinda
    October 5th, 2005 10:23

    Oh, my favorite is the ’stop, drop, and become a limp, wrangly twenty-pound octopus’maneuver. It has to be the most effective and GENIUS move that a baby-turning-toddler could possible conjur up, right? And they have a knack for knowing that you have your arms full of something that you have no where to set down in order to deal with them.

    You can practically see the wheels turning “She can’t pick me up, she can’t just sit here all day - the only option is to giving into my egomaniacal demands! Ha ha! I shall perservere! I shall conquer! My quest to take over the world shall be a brilliant success! I control you like a PUPPET, Mother! Submit! Surrender! Bow at my little tiny feet!”

    Several times, I’ve considered trying that maneuver myself in my professional life but thus far haven’t had the balls to carry it out. I’m quite convinced that if I did, I’d probably be CEO at this point…

  11. karyn
    October 5th, 2005 10:37

    my husband’s cousin liked to call people penis wrinkle. it kind of makes me wish i had been around when he was little.

  12. warcrygirl
    October 5th, 2005 10:47

    My oldest lets out this wail that sounds like a wounded animal and to me it’s almost as bad as nails on a chalkboard. My youngest just cries and tells me what it is that’s pissed him off: “I WANT CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST NO FRUIT NO COCOPUFFS JUST CHIPS I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE FOREVERRRRRRRRR!”

    I like to tell people that I purposely train my kids to do shit like that in public with the sole purpose of making the DINKS lives miserable. You know, that’s the only reason we Breeders have kids, right?

  13. Lujza
    October 5th, 2005 11:31

    Are you sure about all this? She seems so quiet and innocent in pictures. lol….trust me, I know exactly what you’re talking about.

  14. debutaunt
    October 5th, 2005 13:02

    I just never went out in public with my kid until she was 5. Now she just wants to wiggle her loose teeth for people. (kiddin’. sort of). Just put a leash or one of those harness thingies on her. That will keep the looks down to a minimum.

  15. Lisa
    October 5th, 2005 13:33

    I totally feel your pain. Gwyn is 19 months and acts the same way. We had two family parties this weekend and next time we will opt out of those. She was a terror. Yes, the terrible twos start way before 2…nobody told us that though!

  16. Crystal
    October 5th, 2005 13:48

    Oh, just wait until the breath-holding starts. Maddie is my “holder” she had one episode at the park where she locked up, peed herself, and Nate had to do a sturnum rub to get her to breathe. The people nearby were looking at us like we were beating her, little did they know my hubs is TRAINED to deal with such situations, and they may one day face a “holder” of their own. Asshats!

  17. Kris
    October 5th, 2005 14:34

    When Little E. starts a fit in any one of many stores I now avoid…I get those looks from women who 1. either have no kids 2. do not shop with their kids or 3. are just bitches…I turn to them and say “it’s ok he’s mentally retarded”. The look on their faces is priceless.


  18. kristine
    October 5th, 2005 15:56

    *deep breath*
    I may be sick today…but at least i’m not pregnant. Ohhh yes. Granted I have a 15, 13,12,8 and 7 year old…but I have no babies. Thank you for reminding me…it could be worse ;)


  19. Justin'sMommy
    October 5th, 2005 17:32

    My son started throwing the tantrums at 10 months……I am so in for it.

  20. Chuck
    October 5th, 2005 20:44

    We learned (After 6 we damn well better have learned somthing) practice the walking inside, then when the stop and drop hits you can just let em hang and scream till they relise it is not alot of point.
    I also am a fan of throwing em upside down over my shoulder when they get to bad, but usually the doing it at home and the same reaction every time will kill it quick.

  21. Ashley
    October 6th, 2005 10:57

    I’m just the MEANEST MOMMY according to my daughter. Then again, my son decided at Chuck E. that he wasn’t my son (he didn’t want to leave), and I couldn’t prove it ’cause our stamps had all washed off. Of course, all my pictures were at home an hour away. My only saving grace was a friend who was there to help convince the guy guarding the door that he WAS my son and I COULD take him home..

  22. chris
    October 6th, 2005 19:13

    they nail you to the wall at will, don’t they? S1 has been ejected from a chinese restaurant in windsor, banned from a flooring store in town, and barred from ever taking gymnastics at a place across the way. you have sooo much more to look forward to! and then when there’s TWO of them- the balance of power shifts forever!

  23. Tammy
    October 7th, 2005 12:34

    It’s OK to put kids on leashes.

  • Etc.

    • www.flickr.com