Cats and Dogs

I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and said “Hello Little SJ. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.” I knew, when I was little, that boys had that weird thing between their legs when we changed their diapers.

Someone should have told me that it goes far beyond penises and vaginas.

First things first. Last Sunday, The Hubs committed two Faux Paus within minutes of each other. He arrived home from the grocery store with my donuts in hand (one white with sprinkles, the other a glazed twist) and asked me if I had taken a shower.

I was standing there, my clean hair freshly blow-dried and styled. I was also wearing makeup. (His defense was that I told him that he didn’t have to take a shower and since I “don’t stink,” it is hard to tell if I have bathed or not.) A few minutes later, I leave the bedroom wearing a jean skirt and white shirt with my pink cowboy boots. I felt very proud of myself because my dangly pink earrings went with the boots and I felt just a tad bit stylish.

“Are you seriously going to wear that?” he asks.

Yes, I seriously am. (His defense: Most people don’t wear pink cowboy boots to church.)

Even our language usage can be quite different. He “has to take a dump” while I “really, really need to go to the bathroom.”

Now that Little Jizzy is “officially” the proud owner of a set of balls and a wang, we have to come up with a boy’s name. Too bad, I guess, because I’m pretty sure we had decided on one for a girl already.

Anytime someone asks us what name we have chosen, I feel my blood pressure rise by several points. Why? Because we are never going to have a name!

In fact, our child will go to college with the name “Sarcastic Baby Boy” on his birth certificate.

“Why, Dr. Sarcastic Baby Boy, you did a great job with that surgery on my spleen!”
“Hello, I’m Sarcastic Baby Boy and I’ll be your lawyer today.”
“Vote for SBB! He’s a winner even if his parents couldn’t decide on a name!”

I am currently feeling like we will never, ever decide on a name. He has the names he likes and I have mine. The problem is that he likes far fewer names than I do. He’s picky. I tell him all the time about how he is no fun to pick baby names with because he says no to everything.

Or, even better, sometimes he says yes only to admit later that “I didn’t really like it that much.”

I’ve learned to deal with it. Figuring that he will eventually have a teenage daughter, we will gang up on him to say things like “Um, do you really think that outfit matches?” or “Dad! Your combover is starting to slide.”

And then, when we’re on our way to the retirement center to play Bingo, I’ll look at him and say “Are you seriously going to wear that toupee?” so he can feel just a little self-conscious for the rest of the day.

It’s only fair.


  1. I think LJ would work just fine, Just tell him it stands for something else. Leonard James. Lyle Jason. Lawrence John. You know ; )

    Comment by Chloe — 10/2/2005 @ 11:25 pm

  2. You are funny.

    Well, if it had been a cat, surely she was to be a Lassie or Belle, but a dog, how about Fido, or Spot, or Rover. Just a (verysillywaypastmybedtime) thought.

    Another - we also could not agree on a name, many told father to be that once he sees me L&D and eject two watermelons from my “cat” (twins), he’ll let me use whatever name I want. He vehemently denied he would ever let that happen. It did. Keep that in mind?

    Comment by nancy — 10/2/2005 @ 11:30 pm

  3. When I was pregnant with Daschel, Mike’s favorite name was Kermit. KERMIT. Somehow we finally agreed on Dash the night before he was born.

    Comment by Paige — 10/3/2005 @ 12:58 am

  4. I liked this book, but we could still never agree on a boy’s name. Thank goodness we had girls!

    Comment by Eulallia — 10/3/2005 @ 1:03 am

  5. Start harping on him now! Be relentless, have passion. It is the only way. Eventually he will give in to your names simply because he can’t take it anymore.

    and, uh, Paige, Daschel? Kermit? Are you guys aliens or something?

    Comment by clickmom — 10/3/2005 @ 6:18 am

  6. We always have agreement issues with the names. My hubs is picky too. A month away from baby girl’s appearance…..still no progress…..
    Agree with #2. comment from Nancy. Also, who had the final say for E?

    Comment by mmc — 10/3/2005 @ 7:31 am

  7. boys names are absolutely tougher to choose in our experience. it’s nice if hubs likes the name, but in the end if he won’t decide on one, you get to grab the voting device and say THIS is how it’s going to be!

    Comment by chris — 10/3/2005 @ 8:04 am

  8. Me and the hubbie had a hard time naming our son too. We didn’t agree on ANYTHING! Why are they so opinionated anyway?

    Comment by Stacey — 10/3/2005 @ 8:06 am

  9. Paige, I had my heart set on Grover, which didn’t fly, so I think Kermit is funny.

    We finally came up with a name half an hour after he was born. It was the only name I could remember from our short list.

    Comment by supa — 10/3/2005 @ 8:43 am

  10. I knew the middle name of my son the minute I found out I was pregnant. It’s a family name that is the middle name for my brother, dad, grandfather and the maiden name of my great grandma. So I told hubs, here’s the middle name and he said he wanted a family name too. So I said, lay them on me baby. So he told me the male family names on his side and really there was only one acceptable option and luckily I love it.

    We had a heck of a time picking a girl name. SO we decided to wait for the sex ultrasound to see if we needed to be arguing over a girl name or not and low and behold he is a he.

    Anyway, for us a boy name was easy but we had a limited playing field to begin with.

    I can imagine crooning Kermie, Kermie to a little newborn. So adorable, so easy being green.

    Comment by Rayne of Terror — 10/3/2005 @ 9:04 am

  11. Go with Niles Von Krapen Dorf. At least you could guarantee that no one else in his Pre-School would have the same name.

    Jason and I are trying to get pregnant and are hoping that we can choose a name that is not in the top 100, not a family name (boring) and not something that will make his friends wonder how sane we really are.

    Comment by Holy Schmidt! — 10/3/2005 @ 11:01 am

  12. What, no pink assless chaps for Sunday services? If you’re going to go all out, you might as well make the church ladies quiver in their knickers. The pink boots sound darling. I don’t think Jesus really gives a flying fuckaroo about your wardrobe.

    Can you combine the two names you both like and give him some initials, sort of like the LJ comment? If that fails, just start referring to him by the name you have chosen. It will stick eventually. I vote for Ebekineezer.

    Comment by ieatcrayonz — 10/3/2005 @ 11:25 am

  13. Just call him “Little Jizzy", it really has grown on me. My husband was the stumbling block on our names too. He claimed that all we ever talked about was a baby name and buying another house. Now that we have the name out of the way, it leaves more time to bug him about the house.

    Comment by Corrie — 10/3/2005 @ 12:14 pm

  14. Same horror here, but the hubby is partial to traditional Irish names, the kind that no one can pronounce. (I try not to complain. If we were having a boy, he’d be all up in the European names, trying to get me to accept Hans or Nikolai – hockey names.)

    Comment by mrtl — 10/3/2005 @ 2:13 pm

  15. it’s so hard to come up with names everyone agrees with. our second child was the hardest. i was on pain meds and about to leave the hospital when my husband yelled out the name with a middle name i didn’t like. oh, well, at least she’s named and we didn’t have to fight about it anymore, (even though i dislike her middle name.)

    Comment by gorillabuns — 10/3/2005 @ 2:35 pm

  16. Aw, I bet you are adorable in your pink boots. I want some!

    Comment by MollieBee — 10/3/2005 @ 3:29 pm

  17. My dad didn’t want to name me until he got to know me and my personality, so in the meantime he thought a good name would be “generic” - Generic Gerick. Yes, he’s a chemical engineer (i.e. a dork). Yes, he thinks he’s oh so funny.

    Going with the LJ thing could be cool - I always liked the name “Levi".

    Comment by MunchkinMama — 10/3/2005 @ 3:59 pm

  18. All three of my babies were 2-3 days old before my ex and I could agree on a name. He was exactly like yours!

    The candy stripers are tenacious little bitches and will hound you. If you leave the hospital before you agree, you have ten days, but DO it because they will happily register him as Baby Boy and you don’t want to have to explain that him as a grownup.

    Comment by Mindy — 10/3/2005 @ 4:01 pm

  19. Boys names are much harder to agree on than girls, in my experience. Lance would never come up with a name, he’d just veto all my suggestions. Men.

    Comment by Amy — 10/3/2005 @ 6:26 pm

  20. I’m delurking to make you feel better – If I don’t go into labor with baby boy #2 by next Monday, I’m going to be induced, and we still don’t have a name either!

    And next time I post a comment, I promise it’ll be way cooler than this one.

    Comment by Teresa — 10/3/2005 @ 7:34 pm

  21. I think the name thing trips up most men. My husband wanted to name our first Xavier (it is cute), but only so he could call him “X” while crossing his arms in front of him.
    With baby number 2, the OB was pretty much forcing us to name him because she “hates delivering no-name babies". We had a couple of names ready, but it helped us choose one :Sean Matthew. The OB approved :)

    Comment by Elizabeth — 10/3/2005 @ 7:59 pm

  22. Oh, the drama. Husband and I could not agree on a name for the Bear until 8 months - then he picked a name and said he didn’t care what it said on her birth certificate, that’s what he would call her. I eventually talked him into a longer name so that we could use his choice as a nickname and she can scrap it when she grows up and doesn’t like it.

    I’ve already laid down the law on this one. I have a boy name all picked out, and he can just kiss my ass. Just go ahead and find one you like, then stick with it like a bulldog - he’ll never stand a chance.

    Comment by Erin — 10/3/2005 @ 8:05 pm

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