A Girl Has Gotta Eat

I think there is a rule that once a woman becomes “with child,” someone gives her a copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Really, this book should be known as “How to feel like a horrible mom even before the kid is born” because that’s what the book is about.

A friend of mine loaned me her copy and I poured over it like a preteen boy and Playboy. I read all about the “pregnancy diet” and how IMPORTANT it is to eat Only Good Food.

You don’t think your kid is going to get into Harvard with you only eating Twinkees, do you?

So, I came up with a plan on how I’d follow that diet. I introduced things that I would NEVER eat under any circumstances, such as cottage cheese, to my palate. Let’s just say I will NOT be eating cottage cheese any time soon.

Considering I had hyperemesis, I quickly gave up that way of thinking and moved on into the “Whatever makes me happy” camp. I have a feeling that if they check Ellie’s DNA, she is made up of at least 75% macaroni and cheese. I couldn’t get enough of the stuff.

By the end of my pregnancy with her, I pretty much only ate two things: Blue Bell Ice Cream and Sonic Slushies. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I only gained 28 pounds in that pregnancy, with the last 6 coming on in that Very Long Final Month.

Although I do not eat as much macaroni and cheese this time around, I have an even worse vice: SWEETS. I have been known to head to the grocery store at 8:30pm to buy myself a cherry pie and ice cream. I had a Very Large Cherry Danish along with a nice big cup of white chocolate mocha this weekend. I just can’t help myself: THE SWEETS, I LOVE THEM.

I’m lucky enough to have married a man that overlooks the fact that my dinner consists of cherry pie a’la mode. I’m even luckier that when I reply to his “what do you want for dinner” with “I don’t want any of your stinky, yucky, doodoo food” that he doesn’t take it personally.

In theory, I have 21 weeks left in this pregnancy. Even though my “due date” is at the beginning of Feb., I am planning on having a nice May birth. I tend to have a very happy uterus that keeps its inhabitants very snug.

I’m trying to get all my consuming of the goodies in now, without gaining TOO MUCH weight, because I know that once Little Jizzy comes along, the fun will end. No more candy. No more juice. No more coca-cola, even if it is caffeine free.

No, I will be surviving on margaritas alone. Since I have a low tolerance to alcohol anyway, I figure that means I can’t drink too many. Even if I do, heck, I’ll need it. With two kids 18 months apart, I think it gives me the right to become a lush for a few months.

And, no, you won’t find that tip in “What to Expect the First Year.” I think they look down on drunken mothers.


  1. Wow, I’m the first to comment? Drunken mothers is my speciality. I say the first two months you will need to survive on Mimosas alone. Alcohol is very healthy for new moms. Alcohol and any Vicodin you have left over from the hospital. In fact, if you have any left over Vics, I suggest you send them to me to help me through the second year blues!

    Comment by Stefanie — 9/13/2005 @ 12:46 am

  2. Fuck that diet. I ate whatever I wanted and didn’t give a damn. And Jason? Perfectly healthy. Hell, he eats more veggies than I ever did (or ever will). Oh yeah, and my pregnancy was perfectly fine. Low blood pressure, no gestational diabetes, normal weight gain. HA!

    Remind me to send you a bottle of the finest liquor I can afford after you have Jizzy. I’ll even send you my personal stash of painkillers. :-D

    Comment by Jessica — 9/13/2005 @ 2:10 am

  3. First baby: No caffeine, no white sugar, vegetables every day. Baby premature, has bad vision, autistic spectrum issues.

    Second baby: Lived on Starbucks coffee and Pop Tarts. Baby full term, healthy; only member of family not to have spent a DIME of his health care allotment for this year.

    The choice is yours. Oh, and my first son? TERRIBLE eater. Second son? Will ASK for peas. So all that hoo-ha about how you can ‘train’ their taste buds by eating well during the pregnancy? Pure hoo-ha. Eat crap–it makes the baby want good food when it comes out.

    Comment by Susan — 9/13/2005 @ 5:40 am

  4. None of this shit is really related to the baby–I don’t care what “they” say or write. L’s first baby (18 years ago): she ate right, salads, rices, wheat pasta (wheat pasta???), cottage cheese, etc. Baby was fine, except hated everything that was not processed. Baby lived on shite. Second baby: L ate whatever she felt like it, baby now asks for peas, corn, rice, cous-cous, carrots, pears, pineapple, bananas, fresh pasta w/homemade red sauce, apples, oranges, tangerines, mellon…pushes away anything processed, doesn’t dig meat that much and will devour her veggies before she even looks at a piece of chicken.

    Use those books in the fireplace to warm yourself this winter. Ah well…it’s Houston, but still… Give them to Ellie so she can shred the paper. Put Ellie and mine together and we have a serious document-shredder; no need for that electric shite.

    Comment by AMP — 9/13/2005 @ 6:00 am

  5. That pregnancy diet crap is pure B.S. I was forced to follow it with the first baby. My husband refused to buy me any junk food. One time we were at the grocery store buy fruits and veggies and I tried to sneak a MilkyWay into the pile. My husband saw the candy bar later and took it from me. He actually took a candy bar from a pregnant lady. I love soda and the moment I found out I was pregnant according to him I couldn’t have anymore. I remember ordering food from the local sub place (I had no license so I couldnt get the junk food myself) just to order a 2 liter soda. I would hide the soda behind the sofa just so that I wouldn’t get yelled at.
    Luckliy he left me alone the second time around.

    Comment by Cristina — 9/13/2005 @ 6:35 am

  6. I am with AMP. Burn the book- and then make some s’mores with the blaze.

    I found out I was preggers with my first while in Europe, only had What To Expect, and by the time I got home was convinced I had every pregnancy complication in the book. Next two pregnancies– I read smut. Then I was much more relaxed and rested for the birth. (Oh! The birth!! Owwww!)

    Also- with my first I was teaching in the South Bronx, and thrilled over spanish food, that is until one day when I didn’t eat my fried plantains right away, only to discover they had turned into a solid block of white crisco later in the afternoon. yeeeewww~ Pie and ice cream sound safer.

    Comment by clickmom — 9/13/2005 @ 6:36 am

  7. mmmmm….pie.

    Comment by Sarcomical — 9/13/2005 @ 6:59 am

  8. I got the WTEWYE book when I was pregnant with my 3rd child and I laughed the whole way through it and never picked it up again. My diet changes were that I cut down from 6 cups of coffee a day to 2 lol. My 2 youngest are 2 years minus 1 day apart. The first year was ok, it’s just now I feel like pulling my hair out. Good luck!

    Comment by Lauren — 9/13/2005 @ 7:02 am

  9. I sustained myself during one pregnancy on poptarts, cherry slurpees, and TUMS.

    Unfortunately, this is the child who prefers dog kibble to any real food and, well, we’ll see about Harvard. I’m not holding out much hope….

    Comment by JustLinda — 9/13/2005 @ 7:07 am

  10. different cravings all four times, and actually with the fifth as well, even though he’s a romanian import. they all eat real food and junk food. like lauren, i think those books are hysterical.

    Comment by chris — 9/13/2005 @ 7:34 am

  11. I have that book and I agree that it’s one true goal is to make every pregnant woman feel like crap. I just ecently found out I’m pregnant with my second and got the book out the other night. What was I thinking? I’ll probably just put it back in the cupboard and only use it as a reference to how big the baby is. (I have the combined what to expect and what to eat literary treasure)

    Comment by Bente — 9/13/2005 @ 7:53 am

  12. My first pregnancy, I was hooked on chili and cheese hot dogs and chili and cheese fries, Arbys, Taco Bell, any fast food. I couldnt’ get enough. My daughter eats healthier than I do.

    Comment by Priscilla — 9/13/2005 @ 8:19 am

  13. Taco bell would stay down, not a lot else with taste during pregnancy. I was not real strict with babies diet either - well, it was breast milk for a long time. But I didn’t fight with her through the toodler years and now at five, she’s trying new foods and liking them. She’ll ask, ‘Do I like this Yet?’ cracks me up.

    Comment by rhonda — 9/13/2005 @ 8:27 am

  14. Snickers, Coke and Cherry Hostess Pies.

    I’m not saying you’re kid is going to invent something that will save lives, but it will give her a sassy attitude and smart mouth when she’s 13.

    You might not want to listen to me, I have 5 kids and the only one that is good is the child that survived only because I had a salt lick on the kitchen counter.

    Comment by kristine — 9/13/2005 @ 10:02 am

  15. for the first six months of pregnancy with my son, i tried to follow every rule out there. i ate fruits and drank water and had no caffeine, which is a big deal because i am a huge caffeine addict, even sustained from sex and taking baths. if i read something that might even possibly harm the baby, i wouldn’t do it. the last three months, however, all hell broke loose. i’d eat anything that was in front of me. i did, basically, anything i wanted. of course, the boy is fine and healthy. next time, when there is a next time, i don’t think i’ll pay near as much attention to what “they” say.

    Comment by crystal — 9/13/2005 @ 10:03 am

  16. harvard is over rated. trust me, i work there ;)

    Comment by honey bunny — 9/13/2005 @ 10:10 am

  17. Pregnancy #1 was overloaded with starches and spicy food, with jalapeno poppers the snack of choice. I’m convinced my taco bell dinner is what made my water break. That kid just loves spicy food. I rarely had heartburn (except that last shitty month) and was ok with smells, etc for the majority of the pregnancy. He’s 6 now - and joins me at the table with spicy stuff while his dad and little brother sweat and cry if there’s too much oregano.

    Pregnancy #2, I basically lived on Ritas Water Ice. I was frequently nauseated, sensitive to everything and miserable. Little guy has “digestive issues,” and can’t tolerate any form of starch.

    By all means, stop doing shots and smoking crack. Cherry pie? Have at it! Worry about training the baby’s palate when it’s time for solids.

    Comment by SuperMomIsDead — 9/13/2005 @ 10:15 am

  18. With my first pregnancy I used that book as my bible. I was young (20) and terrified that I if I didnt’ read (and follow) every word from every parenting book I could get my hand on then I wouldn’t be a very good mother. Five years later when I was pregnant with my twins I was too tired to read. And too tired to care. For the last two months of my pregnancy I ate a Whopper from Burger King and a Large as you can get Mr. Misty slushie from Dairy Queen EVERY SINGLE DAY. And my husband just got in to the routine of running by Burger King and Dairy Queen every day for me. He’s so sweet. With my third pregnancy it was sour patch kids and pringles. Yummy. But just to through the whole pregnancy diet makes a good eater theory…one of my twins is a great eater and the other is so picky it’s hard to feed him. He doesn’t even like cheese. What kid doesn’t like cheese?!? And they came from the same uterus at the same time.

    Comment by Christine — 9/13/2005 @ 11:16 am

  19. I HATE that book. With my first pregnancy I kept throwing it under the sofa, then feeling guilty, dragging it back out, eating a buttload of broccoli and feeling guilty some more. Second pregnancy, lived on key lime pie and B&J’s Phish Food. Child number two is taller, has no allergies and a vocabulary that startles strangers. I warn friends who are pregnant for the first time about that evil book…

    Comment by Kelli — 9/13/2005 @ 11:18 am

  20. God, I miss Sonic. When will Southern California get on the ball and build a Sonic?

    Oh, that’s right. Never. Must be a skinny ninny to live around here…no Sonic for you! Jackasses.

    Comment by whoorl — 9/13/2005 @ 11:54 am

  21. Weird - I posted about the What to Expect book today as well. Stupid frickin’ book. Also: you and I are about the same amount pregnant, and I, too, have been suffering with hyperemesis. The Zofran worked for me at first, but not so much any more.

    No real point to this comment. But! It’s my first comment! Hi there!

    Comment by amberlyn — 9/13/2005 @ 1:21 pm

  22. What to Expect When You’re Expecting is an evil, evil book. Never has so much guilt and self-doubt sprung forth from one published work. I swear by “Your Baby and Child” by Dr. Penelope Leach.
    And I say a piece of pecan pie, warmed, with a scoop of Breyer’s vanilla gets the job done, but I know you loathe nutz, so…maybe a brownie??

    Comment by MamaQ — 9/13/2005 @ 1:50 pm

  23. ok that made me really VERY hungry. and i am not with child and therefore should probably not eat like that. i am also craving a margarita, but i’m at work. why dont they have margarita machines in all major public spaces? i mean, COME ON. tequila is good.

    Comment by Curly Girl — 9/13/2005 @ 1:56 pm

  24. My husband has no patience with my eating habits. This pregnancy could be officially Sponsored By: Taco Bell, Panera and Jamba Juice. He makes me eat healthy when he is around, tho. He also makes me take fish oil pills, “So the baby will be smart.” He also makes me eat fish at least twice a week. He is so mean.
    Thank God I can sneak my fast food at lunch when he is not around.

    Comment by Amy — 9/13/2005 @ 2:24 pm

  25. I don’t know what my kid’s “mom” ate when she was pregnant with them, as I am their stepmom. I do know however that they love vegetables! The especially enjoy cut up bell pepper pieces with salt on them-I know salt is bad-blame that on their “Nana". Today the both got suckers from school and threw them away when I offered them some grapes!

    Comment by Stephanie — 9/13/2005 @ 3:13 pm

  26. my favorite part was about the uterus that keeps its inhabitants cozy. Nice!

    Comment by PLD — 9/13/2005 @ 3:17 pm

  27. The authors of those holier-than-thou pregnancy books are going straight to hell.

    Comment by kim — 9/13/2005 @ 3:19 pm

  28. I’m one of those terrible pregnant women because both this time and last time I still consumed a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I also often have tea before bed - with a couple of cookies. Shame on me, consuming caffeine! I’ve heard the “no caffeine!” lectures but I’m still way below the limit that doctors specify so too bad.

    I try to eat reasonably well overall but I’ll still devour a bag of chips or a whole sleeve from the chocolate chip cookie package without even blinking.

    Comment by sherry — 9/13/2005 @ 3:41 pm


    Comment by coolbeans — 9/13/2005 @ 4:10 pm

  30. Don’t forget chipotle!!! Must have chipotle!!!!

    Comment by fireladie — 9/13/2005 @ 6:02 pm

  31. I think I’ll join you in those margaritas since my kids will be fifteen months apart once I pop the second one out next May. Cheers!

    Comment by Amy Steier — 9/13/2005 @ 7:39 pm

  32. My favorite line is the one about “Once in a while, treat yourself to something you really shouldn’t have, like a bagel".

    Comment by Cynical — 9/13/2005 @ 9:57 pm

  33. I say eat whatever doesn’t make you throw up. That’s what I had to do. Basically, I lived on ice cream and animal crackers. I gained 75 pounds during my pregnancy but my son is perfectly healthy and such a good eater.

    Comment by Justin’sMommy — 9/14/2005 @ 12:03 am

  34. I skimmed through that diet when I was pregnant, and thought there was no way I’d be able to stick to it. I ate whatever I wanted. I did develop an appreciation for guacamole, but the biggest craving was fruit punch Powerade. It had to be fruit punch and it had to be Powerade. I once went to 4 different gas stations before I finally found it. That was the only thing I drank. Now I can’t stand to even look at the stuff, although I could go for some guacamole now.

    Comment by Brandi — 9/14/2005 @ 5:05 pm

  35. I hated that “good sense diet” crap they hock in that book.

    Here’s my theory…you take the prenatal vitamins and you can eat anything you want. Your prenatal vitamins are Twinkie insurance.

    Comment by Laura — 9/14/2005 @ 6:27 pm

  36. My parents came to visit a month before Jack was born, and I had NINE different types of desert in the house. They weren’t for the vist, or even for Joe and I, they were all mine. Deserts were the only thing that ever looked appetizing at the grocery store.

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 9/14/2005 @ 7:23 pm

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