Would you like to touch my Feathersword?

In case you didn’t know, The Wiggles are banned from this house. You see, I interviewed one of them once, I really can’t tell you which one as they all look alike, and well, he had NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

Okay, they don’t all look alike. I know there’s an “Asian” one and he wears purple and has a sleeping problem. See? The Wiggles are teaching children that anyone who is not white has issues! Asian men don’t make lots of money! That’s the old stereotype! All they do now is sleep!

So…no Wiggles. Actually, I find their songs very annoying, therefore I avoid them like Michael Jackson does anyone of legal age.

I will admit that I’ve let myself slide as I turn on PBS Kids in the morning so I can get in a good 30 minutes of sleep before my child craps her pants from the glee of watching the Teletubbies. How could I say no to the Teletubbies? They taught her how to wave “byebye!”

I let the TV teach my child for me!

I know that the majority of the Internet is disturbed by the fact that my child usually wakes up at 9:15ish am, but that’s how it is. Sometimes she wakes up earlier, sometimes, later. Therefore, she may end up watching Sesame Street, Barney, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Dragon Tales and Teletubbies.

Actually she usually watches one of them and I sleep on the couch while she hits me in the head with shoes.

Last week, we went to the doctor for Ellie. We were left in a room for 20 minutes while they ran a test. What would they leave in the VCR for us to watch?

Barney the dinosaur.

Now, I remember seeing Barney back in 1992 and wondering what the heck I was watching. Over time, from what I understand, Barney has changed not only in costume but his location.

The episode I saw had him going “camping” with the kids. You see, he met them in their “sleep” and brought them out to the Dark Woods.

And then? I’m totally not making this up, Barney wanted to Pitch a Tent. As in, “Hey kids! I have an idea! Let’s pitch a tent! I’ll go first!”

So, from what I “get,” the Old Barney used to come to kids in their sleep. Then he met them at the school. Now? The most recent episode I’ve seen? He’s gotten so brazen, he’s out meeting them in the park. There he is, pitching tents with the kids, with people just walking by.

Barney is getting a little brave there, dontcha think?

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want my child playing with a big purple dinosaur. Especially after I saw a Video Commercial for the video Waiting For Santa. In the clip that I saw, the kids were doing a dance.

So yeah, a dance. What’s the big deal? Nothing, except this one had CROTCH THRUSTS IN IT.

Who the heck does crotch thrusts while waiting for Santa? Santa does not want to think about some pre-teen’s little weenie flopping in his tidy whities. Santa only wants his cookies and for your butt to be in bed so he doesn’t have to see you.

That’s right, Santa hates children. Its better for you to learn it from me, Internet.

So go ahead and let your children watch the Pedophile, I mean, Barney. Me? I’ll take my chances with Tinky Winky. At least we know that Tinky Winky isn’t going to ask my children to roast his chestnuts in their mouths.

35 Comments

  1. lol omg :) you crack me up! my daughter has never ever seen barney or the wiggles .. so far he obssesion is blues clues (eeeek) and caiullo) cant spell lol
    OMG UR PREGGO! I DIDNTK NOW :) CUTE BELLY PIC! IM 36 WEEKS 3 DAYS YAY :) LOL
    STOP BY SOMETIME!

    Comment by beth — 9/6/2005 @ 10:30 pm

  2. I’m with you – getting a little extra sleep or just getting a break while your child is in front of the television for a bit is not such a terrible thing for the kid and can really make a difference for you. I don’t see Barney making his way into our house (I mean through the television, not in a more drastic and frightening way) anytime soon, though.

    How is it going with your volunteering goods, etc. to the shelters there? I’d love to hear more about it from you.

    Comment by Laura GF — 9/6/2005 @ 10:31 pm

  3. I truly believe that will be vintage/classic SJ some day. I laughed so that I had trouble swalling my cereal.

    Thank you, for being so funny. And true.

    (I have “sing and dance” and bought “waiting for Santa” for my Godson 10 years ago!)

    Comment by Kris — 9/6/2005 @ 10:46 pm

  4. P.S. Even my kids hate the Wiggles

    Comment by Kris — 9/6/2005 @ 10:47 pm

  5. I’m sorry, it is imperative that I know which Wiggle you interviewed. I am in love with Murray, and if it is him with no sense of humor, I shall cry bitter tears. So tell me, was he wearing red?

    Comment by Eulallia — 9/6/2005 @ 10:55 pm

  6. LOL! No wiggles in my house either… OR Barney. I have my hands full with Dora the Explorer AKA Satan

    Comment by Annie — 9/6/2005 @ 11:21 pm

  7. Have you not listened to a word I’ve said, woman?!

    Comment by Dad Gone Mad — 9/6/2005 @ 11:34 pm

  8. I knew I loved you for a reason…..

    Comment by robyn — 9/7/2005 @ 12:22 am

  9. You know what? I grew up with the Cockroaches singing in the 80s. They were average, but sometimes they could make your ears bleed.

    I grew up and the Wiggles became big and they still make my ears bleed - but worse.

    Yes, the Cockroaches became the Wiggles! Couldn’t cut it in the real world!

    Comment by Sam — 9/7/2005 @ 1:03 am

  10. It will be a cold day in hell before that satanic purple dinosaur enters this house. I HATE Barney. My sister was a fan back when she was little, and I just wanted to shoot her stuffed Barney doll. Annoying little thing because it talked. Gah.

    Comment by Jessica — 9/7/2005 @ 2:51 am

  11. You’re not a Wiggles fan? How sad. The Asian bloke represents Asians in Australia pretty well. He’s rich, mega rich, and so is most of our Asian population. You don’t usually find them in the soup kitchen.

    Comment by brilly — 9/7/2005 @ 5:25 am

  12. [sung to the Barney theme music]
    Here’s the news, Barneys dead, a big T-Rex bit off his head., His purple guts all spilled out on the floor, now there is no Barney anymore.
    Baby Bop, she’s dead too, she stepped in some tarry goo. In a million years she’ll end up in my tank. Serves her right – she was an annoying skank.

    Comment by Geo — 9/7/2005 @ 6:48 am

  13. Please tell my father that Barney is a dope. He really wants to buy one of his grandkids a Barney doll. I’ve hated Barney from day one. But now that I know how Barney is really thinking about children, there’s no way my precious little boy is ever going to know who Barney is. Thank you.

    Comment by Happay — 9/7/2005 @ 7:22 am

  14. Please tell my father that Barney is a dope. He really wants to buy one of his grandkids a Barney doll. I’ve hated Barney from day one. But now that I know how Barney is really thinking about children, there’s no way my precious little boy is ever going to know who Barney is. Thank you.

    Comment by Happay — 9/7/2005 @ 7:22 am

  15. Which Wiggle did you interview, and what joke did he not laugh at? Say it wasn’t Anthony! ;^) We’re medium-level Wiggles fans around here, as they’ve been replaced with SpongeBob and Dora the Explorer (soon to be replaced by Dora’s more exciting cousin, Diego). But I’ll bet every last Wiggle laughs all the way to the bank.

    Comment by Beth — 9/7/2005 @ 7:39 am

  16. Oh! Forgot to mention – Have you seen “Death to Smoochy"? If not, you have to rent it, mainly for the Barney parody in it. I laughed my ass off over that one, as my son was in his Barney phase then and I couldn’t stand it! :-)

    Comment by Beth — 9/7/2005 @ 7:41 am

  17. HUH? You mean to tell me you find Barney more tolerable than the Wiggles?! What is wrong with you, woman! My boy has never seen Barney and never will, if I can help it. (Gawd, that creature’s voice is so annoying.) We saw the Wiggles in concert about a week ago (because I want my 2 yr old to think I’m the best mom in the whole wide world) and I have to say, I *heart* Anthony. My guess is, you were interviewing Greg (yellow shirt). He’s kind of the Beyonce of the group.

    Comment by Surcie — 9/7/2005 @ 8:47 am

  18. What, you’ve got a problem with narcoleptic Asians?

    Comment by MamaQ — 9/7/2005 @ 8:53 am

  19. The most wonderful thing my daughter has ever said was not “I love you". It was “I don’t like Barney.” I was thrilled! Any time the television happens to be on when the show starts, she reminds me that she doesn’t like him and asks for Sesame Street instead.

    We neither love nor hate the Wiggles, but I do like the guy in blue.

    Comment by sherry — 9/7/2005 @ 9:35 am

  20. My husband taught our daughter to say “teletubbies are EBIL” (well, we tried to teach “evil” but it came out “ebil"). Hate the tubbies… hate ‘em.

    But I’m not so down on the Wiggles. Of course, I work outside of the home so I’m not forced to watch them more than once per week. Maybe that’s why? I kind of had a crush on the Blue one (Anthony?) but if he has no sense of humor, it’s OVER (or ober as my little one might say).

    Because, really, who doesn’t enjoy a little wiggle in bed???

    Comment by JustLinda — 9/7/2005 @ 9:42 am

  21. I love PBS. Except for Caillou. Who the hell names their child Caillou? Even my 5 year old thinks he whines way the hell too much. I hate that kid!!

    Comment by debutaunt — 9/7/2005 @ 9:57 am

  22. The tots who sleep late in the morning are The Very Best Kind of Children. Those suckers whose kids wake up by 6 a.m. are just trying to persuade themselves that it’s the natural order of things, but that’s a total crock of hooey. During my son’s toddler years, I got the best sleep of my life. It was awesome.

    Comment by Orange — 9/7/2005 @ 10:09 am

  23. Barney was the best babysitter my kids ever had. They’d actually SIT for an HOUR when they were little guys. Don’t be hatin’ on Barney.

    Comment by Y — 9/7/2005 @ 10:17 am

  24. are you insane? No one is DISTURBED that Ellie sleeps until 9 am. We’re just jealous.

    Wiggles in this house, yo! Wiggles and Higgley Town Heroes and Sesame Street. If I have to hear “Put Down The Ducky” one more time, I’m gonna kill myself.

    Comment by Robotnik — 9/7/2005 @ 11:07 am

  25. Beth is right. See Death to Smoochy. We own it. It ROCKS!!

    Comment by Robotnik — 9/7/2005 @ 11:09 am

  26. RE: The volunteering. I live in the suburbs and there’s a shelter “somewhat” close-by. I’ve been calling for days and FINALLY got through today.So I will most likely be volunteering next week or the one after that, which is good because I’m ready to help out.

    Comment by sarcastic journalist — 9/7/2005 @ 11:29 am

  27. Is it tidy whities? I though it was tightie whities… you know, because they tend to be snug. Not all whities are tidy, are they?

    Comment by Staci — 9/7/2005 @ 1:26 pm

  28. I always thought Barney was pretty sweet, and my niece adored him when she was very young. However, if she didn’t get to watch Barney every day, she would go through this strangely hysterical withdrawal and start screaming for him. So, I don’t think he’s all that sweet. He’s demonic.

    Comment by Vanessa_AR — 9/7/2005 @ 1:40 pm

  29. I only allow Barney while I’m in the shower and can’t here him. I did allow Tubbies, and yes, they taught Girl Terror to wave bye bye, and say “wha’s dat?” Now, it’s all about Zaboomafoo.

    Comment by Tammy/averagemom — 9/7/2005 @ 11:36 pm

  30. At least we know that Tinky Winky isn’t going to ask my children to roast his chestnuts in their mouths.

    OMG - you KILL me!

    roflol

    Comment by Ninotchka — 9/8/2005 @ 3:02 am

  31. Forget death to smoochy Death to Barney!!!
    My Boys NEVER NEVER NEVER watch Barney I go so far as to erase him if on a tape we get for them has a preview on it.
    I was 13 when barney started and I couldn’t stand the sound of anything barney then and i still cant now !!!!!!!!
    My boys are more wiggles and Rolie Polie Olie (try saying that three times fast Ha!)
    so yep I gotta agree with you Death to barney!! :)

    Comment by Ang — 9/8/2005 @ 10:17 am

  32. We love Teletubbies here and even though it’s obvious that Tinky Winky is gay but we don’t care. Gay people are nice too! We also watch Pooh on video and Pippi Lonstocking and a dutch show called Knofje. My 2 year old son seems to have a thing for redheads already haha! OH you know what else he loves? KidSongs. They are sooooo extremely.. outdated? We got each dvd at walmart on a US visit for like $5 a pop. Great deal, we bought them all.

    Comment by Laura — 9/8/2005 @ 2:15 pm

  33. The only show which immediately stops my 3 year old from whatever destructo behavior he’s got going on is Little Bear. Used to be Caillou but currently THAT whine-ass is on my no show list.

    Comment by Morgan — 9/8/2005 @ 11:10 pm

  34. And the Asians surname is FAT. Heh.

    Has Hi-5 infiltrated the US yet?

    Comment by Mellissa — 9/9/2005 @ 12:46 am

  35. Will you marry me?

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 9/9/2005 @ 9:43 pm

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