Sleeping My Way to the Top

I’ve never been really “good” at anything. I watch the Olympics wishing I could be half the athlete of a Michelle Kwan or whatever swimming crazy person they have out there. No, I’m scared of (most!) balls, have bad math abilities and am a somewhat mediocre runner.

But? I am a champion sleeper. So champion, in fact, that if there were an Olympics in Sleeping, you would be reading the official blog of the gold medal winner. I’m just that good.

I love to sleep. Some people, like my therapist, don’t get it. They think I sleep because I’m depressed. Heck! I sleep because I have a king size bed with a pillowtop mattress and multiple pillows to choose from. I sleep because I have a nice ceiling fan and comfy sheets and plenty of room to stretch out.

God didn’t rest of the seventh day. He invented my bed.

Once this child came into the world, I felt determined to bring her to “my side” of the sleeping plan. The Hubs, you see, is one of those people that need two hours of sleep and doesn’t nap. DOESN’T NAP! How the heck can one person go through life without napping?

So, I took great pride once I got my child onto my sleeping pattern. We make a good team on most days. Heck, there have been times where I had to wake her up at 10:30am because Hello! The View is on and I have nobody to watch it with!

Gestating a baby while dragging around a drooling 12-month-old has its setbacks, I admit. But? I have to admit that my favorite part of this setup is naptime. She naps? I nap! It is a PERFECT SETUP.

But then we have the days where Miss NapsALot decides to crap her pants while she sleeps. Who in the Hell craps while they sleep? I mean, I have dreamed about peeing while I sleep and once wet the bed well past the age of acceptable peeing in one’s sleep, but for the most part, that’s it.

I’m getting really tired of opening the door to her room and smelling poop.

Today, however, she decided to not take her nap for 3 hours and 15 very long minutes. She’d scream, she’d snot, she’d do anything she could instead of sleeping. We rocked. We watched waaay too much A Baby Story. We ate. We played. By “we played” I mean she sat there, holding purple thong underwear in her hand, as I repeatedly told her how I gave birth to her, dug poop out of her butt and let her suck on my tit for 7 months.

Seven months of breast pumping, Ellie! Do you even UNDERSTAND what that is like?

Finally. She went to sleep.

The thought of having another come along, another that might inherit its father’s sleeping genes scares me. What if this baby wakes up at 6am every day?

We, those of us that do not leave the house during the day, do not wake up at 6am. Anything before 830 is pushing it.

My friend Robyn just HAD to mention McMuffins in an email today. Don’t you know the rule that thou shalt not discuss food in front of a pregnant woman unless you are ready to provide that food at a moment’s notice?

I felt in a quandry. Do I wake up early and get the McMuffin or enjoy my beautiful, wonderful sleep? Since Captain “I’m Too Good for a McDonalds Breakfast” won’t play along, I decided to just pack the anklebiter in the car and go thru the drive-thru.

I’m not making this up. In fact, my McMuffin could use a good “sausage” right now, but I feel the sleepies coming on. Yes, you’ve heard that right, Internet. I choose sleep over the hokey pokey.

Besides, isn’t the hokey pokey what got me into this mess in the first place?


  1. I am a fellow championship sleeper. I have the room darkening blinds the always running fan, the king size pillowtop matteress and the drool worthy sheets. Unfortunately I have also married a non napper and spawned a child who morphed from a 3 nap a day baby into a five hours of sleep a night 9 year old. Five hours is a good nap not a night’s sleep!!

    Comment by CraZmom — 8/9/2005 @ 10:17 pm

  2. Joe and I have 6 pillows on our bed. My mom doesn’t get it, but I love them and must have them. She kept saying “but I have pillows on the guest bed” so I only have three right now, and two of them aren’t mine, and it’s just not right.
    As for the mattress though, we have been sleeping on a regular (old) mattress in a waterbed frame for the last year. Our landlord wouldn’t let us use the water one, and we couldn’t afford fancy one.
    It sucked.

    Comment by Jack’s Raging Mommy — 8/9/2005 @ 10:34 pm

  3. Luckily, I married a nightowl, sleep-til-noon napper. I’m blissful in my sleep world. And, in addition to two other pillows, I have a body pillow. *sighs*

    Comment by Lab Kat — 8/9/2005 @ 10:58 pm

  4. you are pregnant and have one child already. as far as i am concerned you needn’t do the hokey pokey ever again. you can sleep instead. :-)

    Comment by jenB — 8/9/2005 @ 11:14 pm

  5. I would so get you a McMuffin if I lived closer! And hash browns.

    Comment by robyn — 8/9/2005 @ 11:32 pm

  6. Holy Shit is all I can say. You totally just described my life except change ellie to a 2 1/2 year-old autistc boy. I mean shit! My hubby is just liked yours also!!! I am shocked!!!!!

    Comment by Kellie — 8/9/2005 @ 11:41 pm

  7. I have some sad news for you. There is a rule that states: If a happy sleepy person has one sleeping child, with a lovely sleeping schedule, that person cannot have a second sleeping child. What it means is Jizzy will be a non-napper. I kid you not. In my house, baby #1 slept through the night at 7 weeks. Napped twice a day for an hour. In bed at 8, up at 8. Baby #2? Doesn’t need sleep. Ever. Hasn’t slept through the night yet. He’s 16 months. Has not slept 6 consecutive hours in his life.

    Comment by Tammy/averagemom — 8/10/2005 @ 1:18 am

  8. Hubs and I are cut from the same cloth.
    G-girl is somewhere in between (naps at noon for about 2 hrs. sleeps from 8pm-7 am through the night).
    Wife is just like you.
    Guess who gets up to start the day when the baby sometimes mistakes 6 am for 8 am??
    I sometimes wish G girl could crank out the morning sleep like Ellie, but then I think….her sleeping is pretty normal for a 14 month old. I would just like to sleep in on the weekend, though.
    When does THAT happen?
    When they’re teenagers??
    Also…tell my wife to stop working so much. Her daughter is getting sick of her Daddy’s sleep-deprived face.

    Comment by Robotnik — 8/10/2005 @ 5:53 am

  9. I’m on the bus with you about reasons why you sleep instead of depression. With a great bed and sheets and comfy temperature, why on earth would anyone not want to be in bed? I get up and eat breakfast and then go take a nap while it digests.

    Comment by Chickie — 8/10/2005 @ 7:45 am

  10. I too LOVE my sleep. Trouble is I tend to wake up early. Like 6:30 early. Sometimes my body decides at 5:30 that it’s time to wake up. I love napping, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever have a child that doesn’t nap.

    Comment by Jessie — 8/10/2005 @ 7:46 am

  11. Now I want an Egg McMuffin too! Cravings like this are contagious, I tell you. Though hopefully I am not craving one for the same reasons you are. If I find out that I’m pregnant again with my current baby only five months old, I’m going to freak right out. I am certain I cannot catch -that- through the computer, though :) Wishing you good naps today, because I have a feeling you’re going to wind up with the McMuffin this morning.

    Comment by Laura GF — 8/10/2005 @ 8:33 am

  12. Around casa_debu, we only want to sleep during the week, when we actually have a need to urgently get up and leave the house. Then on the weekends, my child automatically gets up at the crack of ass.

    I covet your sleepability and may swap children with you sometime. Not like you’d notice or anything.

    Comment by debu_goober — 8/10/2005 @ 9:50 am

  13. Oooh…a king-sized bed WITH a pillow top? I am jealous. I have serious sleep issues. I want to, but I have insomnia. I am working on convincing my husband that a new Queen pillowtop mattress might be just the ticket to get me to sleep. (Asking for a king is just too much for me…too much luxury and space. I might die from the sheer euphoria of it!)

    Comment by Crazy MomCat — 8/10/2005 @ 9:52 am

  14. Never fear it can happen. My son (2.5) and I co- sleep and we SLEEP! All my friends hate me. When DD came along 9mts ago I was so worried… will she fall in line? And yes it can happen she does wake up every two to three hours to eat but goes right back down and naps like a champ too! There are times it is 10:30am and I need to wake them up.

    Comment by AMC — 8/10/2005 @ 10:17 am

  15. Mmmm, McMuffin. This is the part where I get to yell at YOU for mentioning food to a pregnant woman and not being able to provide it at a moment’s notice.

    Hmmm, Houston is not that far of a drive from Dallas. If you leave now, you’ll be here in plenty of time to deliver breakfast tomorrow. START. PACKING.


    Comment by Ninotchka — 8/10/2005 @ 11:12 am

  16. He didn’t want McDonalds breakfast? What the hell is wrong with that man?

    Comment by Antonia — 8/10/2005 @ 12:31 pm

  17. dude, i’m still waiting to get the job as a sleep technitian ("they are trained in SLEEP!") at Jordan’s Furniture!

    (for those of you in new england, you know what i’m talkin’ ’bout)

    Comment by honey bunny — 8/10/2005 @ 12:39 pm

  18. It’s the first sentence that compelled me to comment. Never really been good at anything? Um, HELLO?! I guess being witty writer counts for nothing? Oh, what do I know. I’m just the 18th person to COMMENT ON YOUR DAMN BLOG TODAY! GAH :)

    Comment by Surcie — 8/10/2005 @ 12:59 pm

  19. Queen Size, egypitian cotton sheets with 4 fluffy squishy pillows all to myself…yes Im a sleeper. *claps*

    Comment by Fellow Eskimo — 8/10/2005 @ 1:18 pm

  20. Eli only pooped when he was sleeping. He did this until he was at least two. I am such a sleeper. Why don’t you live closer?

    Comment by Crazy Us — 8/10/2005 @ 1:32 pm

  21. I used to be like your husband, SJ. Now that I have a child though, all I want to do is sleep. Sadly, the boy is like I used to be and hardly ever wants to nap. So I’m still running on fumes here. And the husband gets to enjoy HIS sleep.

    I swear I’m knocking him out of bed tonight to take care of the child so I can sleep for once.

    Comment by Jessica — 8/10/2005 @ 2:16 pm

  22. The past few weeks I’ve felt the need to sleep a lot. Unfortunately, my children and the heat don’t allow it. It’s gotten to the point of my getting up in the mornings, preparing a breakfast/snack/juice, and then sleeping on the couch, so just in case one of them gets hurt, I’ll wake up to their crying. I get to sleep until 10am this way.

    Comment by NinaKaye — 8/10/2005 @ 2:31 pm

  23. I’m the same way about sleep. But wouldn’t you know it, I ended up with not one but TWO children that don’t appreciate the joy of sleeping past 7:00 in the morning. Luckily they’re old enough now that Mommy doesn’t have to get up and turn the cartoons on for them. I seriously cannot wait until they are teenagers.

    I love your site! :)


    Comment by Carrie — 8/10/2005 @ 3:25 pm

  24. Bah@sleepers lol. I’m an insomniac and whoop for joy if I manage to stay asleep for 6 hours, usually I live on 4 or 5 hours a night. Both my kids were good sleepers though.

    What’s a pillow top?

    Oh and Carrie, be careful what you wish for. Teenagers = hell on earth lol.

    Comment by mushster — 8/10/2005 @ 4:31 pm

  25. Egg McMuffins, mmmmmm, I could eat ‘em all day every day, and supersize myself.

    Oh, wait, I already did that and now I am liviing a life of culinary deprivation in order to regain the girlish figure of my youth (AKA pre-pregnancy weight). *sigh*

    Comment by clickmom — 8/10/2005 @ 4:42 pm

  26. Why be awake when there are so many wonderful things to dream about that are way more exciting than day to day life? I live for my king size pillow top with a down comforter and velvet duvet…..mmmm……sleep.

    Comment by Adrienne — 8/10/2005 @ 4:59 pm

  27. I take great pleasure in telling you that I had TWO fucking egg mcmuffins for breakfast.


    Comment by Y — 8/10/2005 @ 5:27 pm

  28. I once did that too - I vividly recall what I thought at the time was a dream sequence where I sat down on the throne, had the most amazing yoga-stylee sense of relaxation wash over me, and then I let the pee come forth - bad luck I was in bed, and not actually dreaming - I was peeing, in the bed, on the big, squishy, brand new, pillowtop, 500 count gorgeous sheets.

    Comment by Karyn — 8/10/2005 @ 7:20 pm

  29. I’m glad I’m not the only one suggestable about food while preggers. No one is allowed to bring up any food item in front of me or any restaurant they might be attending. My friend brought up a place she was taking her mom and I had to go to it and happened to see them both there. It was very embarrassing, really. I’m a food stalker.

    Comment by shannon — 8/10/2005 @ 7:51 pm

  30. I seriously need to investigate this pillowtop thing.

    I can sleep anytime, anywhere - bed, couch, armchair, car, bus, floor, disco. My DH’s buddies laugh at me when we all get together to watch movies, coz I never make it through without nodding off.

    Comment by Mellissa — 8/11/2005 @ 4:57 am

  31. I’m 7m preggo and have been reading a book about food science recently, which is fascinating but has the unfortunate side effect of making me decide on a whim that I really must have whatever food was just discussed in the chapter I finished. Thus far it hasn’t caused too much of a problem, except when I read the chapter about wine and started craving an ice-cold glass of a nice white wine. Just one glass. Couldn’t possibly hurt. Baby’s already formed. Yet everyone I mention this to looks me up and down with disgust and says “What, you don’t know about fetal alcohol syndrome?” and as much as I know that one glass of wine does not a FAS baby make, I have yet to partake of that wine. Argh.

    Comment by Cynical — 8/13/2005 @ 11:54 pm

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